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Well yesterday I started my vegetarian- low Gluten diet.  The vegetarian part was simple....the low Gluten part was SO HARD.  Everything has gluten in it.  I went to the store and got gluten free cake mix and this yummy coconut pecan gluten free icing and baked a cake.  I only at a tiny sliver of a piece but it was delicious.  I think I had to show myself that I could still have a few yummy treats because I was sitting in my room looking at all the things that I couldn't eat and it was overwhelming.  I had a yummy Boca Burger with feta cheese for dinner....as good as any regular cheeseburger .  I also found this really good Cinnamon Chex cereal that is gluten free and an organic soy milk...also gluten free that is really tasty.
Sounds great right....well I woke up this morning and decided I would bring my breakfast to work instead of eating at home.  Got my son ready....we get in the car and I start to feel super tired.  So I stop and get a 5Hour Energy.  I drank it probalby 30 minutes ago and I am feeling the tightness in my stomach.  I haven't even started to eat my breakfast and already feeling the beginnings signs of bloating.  So since I drank the 5 Hour Energy on an empty stomach....that just might be the culprit of my morning bloating.  Which is upsetting seeing that I use those energy drinks to get my morning motivation.  I am sure it is another "addiction" in my head.  I think that I HAVE to have the energy drinks or I will be so miserable and tired all day.  I just have to find the will power to NOT drink them for a week or so....and make sure that I go to bed at a normal time and I am sure I will be fine.  Everything leads back to will power, motivation, and responsibility.  If I know it is going to make me miserable....why drink it....and at the same time....I am still yawning so obviously it didn't do that much for me in the first place LOL
So today I am having:
--1/2 cup of Cinnamon Chex with organic soy milk
--medium pear (maybe)
--Amy's Rice Mac and Cheese (never had this but I am going to give it a try)
--Cottage cheese with a little garlic feta
--Morningstar Buffalo Chik'n wings

If I can stick to this I will be at around 900 calories....which is right where I want to be.  

Happy Monday!!!!!!!!!



Day Two Update---- so the Amy's Rice Mac & Cheese was DELICIOUS...and made me bloat up just like a balloon.  I had to go walk it was so bad.  I would recommend this to ANYONE who likes a good Mac&Cheese.  The rice noodles were amazing and the cheese sauce....perfect!!!  I think tomorrow I am going to try a veggie stir fry in a light sauce or just some garlic and olive oil.  Trying to change things up a little bit so I don't get bored!!!

As some of you know I am from Southern Indiana.  I moved to Florida rather quickly in 2007....needed something new, was sick of my job and the people I was associating with so I up and moved one day.  I went back home Thanksgiving 2008 when my father had open heart surgery.  I haven't been back since....BUT I am super excited to say that my vacation request has been approved for November 23-28th so I am going home for Thanksgiving and my birthday (Nov 26) this year.  It is going to be SO VERY nice to see all the people that I haven't seen since 2008.  It will also be nice to see the looks on their face when they see that I have lost a few pounds!!!!!  LOL    I booked my hotel today and since I just got a new car a few months ago I think I am just going to drive it....show it do my dad!!  LOL.
I have so many close true friends in Indiana so it will be so nice to see those who were good friends before I had surgery and who was there for me when I was dealing with the issues with my weight.  I remember going to appointment after appointment trying to get approved in Indiana and never got anywhere.  A friend of mine had an open RNY in like 2005-2006 and lost a TON of weight.  So it will be nice to share stories with her and compare our experiences.  All the guys that I had crushes on and they never even knew that I existed.  And the girls from  high school that was always so negative towards me because I wasn't the long haired cheerleader LOL.  I will get to see them ALL.  I am from a very small town and its sad but not a lot of people have ventured outside to other places.  So I look forward to seeing each and every one of them!    My grandmother has never seen my son, she was in really bad health right after I had Alex so we never went to visit, so I look forward to seeing her.  I also want to take him to my mom's grave so I can introduce him to my mother...his grandmother!  It should be a very fun, exciting, emotional trip.  And I CAN"T WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I have even more reason to stop BSing around with my food....and get things back going in the right direction!  #motivation  LOL

Last night I was in the bathroom for HOURS....TMI I know LOL.  But I am going to look at it as a positive and NOT a negative.  I woke up this morning and honestly felt better, less bloated, lighter....the scale didn't seem to think so as it read 188.6....but even that is ok too!  For breakfast I had an egg over easy and a few slivers of onion.  I tried to pay attention to chewing better and counting to at least 20 between bites (which is something that I struggle with every day). I felt pretty good.  But all that bathroom action had me feeling drowsy so I stopped and bought a 5 Hour Energy.....instant bloat.  Now I am sitting at work miserable in my tight size 11-12 pants wishing I had wore something different....wanting nothing more than to unbutton these darn things and release the jaws of life grip that they have around my stomach.
While occuping the bathroom last night I did quite a lot of reading on my phone about IBS, dumping syndrome, bloating, RNY issues, and then this morning I read up on gluten intolerance.   I guess I never realized that dumping syndrome consists of MORE than just vomiting.  You can have early stage and late stage symptoms of dumping syndrome.  I think I might be experiencing some late stage dumping syndrome symptoms.  I paid close attention to what was going on last night as I ate some sugar free chocolate covered almonds.  About 30 mins after I ate them I got this super hot flush feeling over my face, neck, arms.  A fatigue feeling, uncomfortable.  Then my stomach started rumbling, the tightness returned....and then I rushed to the bathroom (again).  Looking back these are the symptoms that I get A LOT!  Especially the hot feeling and the rumbling of my stomach.  It literally sounds like waterfalls or something of that nature.  It is very strange.  But when that happens I know that I need to high tail it to the nearest bathroom.  What is strange is that you can have the EXACT same symptoms from dumping syndrome, IBS, and a gluten intolerance.  About 20 mins after eating the almonds my stomach bloated up again was super extended and the pressure pain was there.  It is really strange.
So...my first "note to self" stay away from 5 Hour Energy drinks....this is going to be something hard to do because I wake up every morning feeling like dog poo.  I don't think I am sleeping as good or as long as I should be.  There is simply not enough hours in the night!  Second plan of action "note to self' stay away from Gluten products.  Gluten is found in wheat, barley, rye, malt.  Gluten can also be added to foods as a thickening agent (Dextrin).  Dumping is caused when the contents of the stomach are "dumped" into the small intestine too quickly.  Foods to avoid include sweets, sweetened drinks, candy, cakes, cookies.  But some articles have stated that people "dump" off different things.  So while it MAY be sweets for me it could be regular bread for someone else.  I read that taking Fiber suplements can help...this is something I have not been doing.  Drinking lots of water....something I plan on doing right now, and keeping a log of what foods affect you and what foods dont.  My list is pretty short right now....5 Hour Energy drinks, and chocolate covered almonds are on the DO NOT eat list for right now.  I am on my first 20 fl. oz. bottle of water and plan on drinking at least 2 more while I am at work.  For lunch I was going to have a salad....but with the salad dressing, cheese, veggies, meat there is a lot going on.  So instead I am going to go to Fresh Market and get some olive and cheese mixture.  It is basically....olives and either feta or mozz cheese mixed together.  Simple tasty and not a lot of ingredients....and good on the wallet.   I also brought some cottage cheese for a snack....we will see how that goes.  And I plan on drinking at least one maybe two cups of hot tea.  Hot tea always seems to calm my stomach....and right now the way these pants are cutting me in half I need something to make the bloat go down and stay down.
Still no reply from my surgeon's office or my email to the NUT....although that is not shocking to me at all.  Honestly I probably will NOT hear from them at all.  I am going to check with my job today on when we will have insurance so I can find a PCP and start addressing issues like this with them.
So....just so I can put it out there--Foods I am Going To Avoid:
Potatos, breads, pastas, rice, fatty foods, fried foods, processed foods

Foods I am Going To have More of:
Cheese, lean meats, fresh fruits, veggies, cottage cheese (maybe), low fat dressings/toppings for salads, some lettuce (lettuce sometimes upsets my tummy).  I am going to try the Boca Burgers, Tofu, and different veggie dishes as well.  Might as well try a little bit of everything while I am experimenting with what makes my tummy happy....and meets my protein needs.
I have not been drinking any protein shakes as when I was I was having the same bloating run to the bathroom issues.  But maybe I need to add them back in there, a sugar free flavor and see how that works.

Well ITS FRIDAY!!!!  And I CANNOT wait till 5:30!!!!!!!

It simply has to be....because when you hit rock bottom there is truly no where to go but up right!?!?!?!?!?  I am completly frustrated with myself today.  Today is my 2 year anniversary at my job so they ordered in lunch.  1/2 salad and 1/2 sandwiches from Panera.  I had planned on having soup today for lunch.  But when the salads got here I had probably 1/4 of my coworkers salad.  Then about an hour later I decided to eat another 1/2 a salad (they were portioned out in 1/2 size servings).  Then about 2 hours later I ate the roast beef and cheddar cheese off the sandwich and threw away all the bread.  Might not sound like much....but it really is considering I shouldn't be eating like that.  While the thought of stretching my pouch is SO very real I truly think I have a food addiction.  If it is there I want to eat it.  I sit at my desk, and the afternoons are even worse, and I think about food.  It is crazy.  Maybe when I finally get health insurance I will do see a therapist because this is clearly an addiction.
I really want to work on getting this food thing under control.  With the intense bloating that I have had going on, over eating is CLEARLY not going to be a help.  I would really like to remove meat products from my diet all together.  But that is going to take willpower.  Just like turning down the 1/2 salad, or simply not eating the roast beef and cheese off the sandwich takes willpower which I clearly do not have.  My stomach has literally been upset all day long.  So there is no real reason for me eating as much as I did.  So tomorrow IS a new day.  And if I can't promise anyone else anything I am going to promise myself that I WILL NOT overeat and I am going to literally watch everything I eat and write down what causes the bloating and what doesn't.  Today....everything has caused it.  From the egg I had for breakfast, to the cottage cheese snack, to the lettuce, to the roast beef.  I emailed my NUT so hopefully she will get back with me.  I also called the surgeon....but they NEVER get back with me so I don't see getting a call back from them.  
Tomorrow I am going to try something a little different.  Super small portions and tons of water.  From my reading water is suppose to help with bloating.  I also read that bloating can be a sign of dumping....but is it possible to dump from something I ate last week and was fine?  I have been eating cottage cheese since the very beginning and never had an issue.  I haven't ever had an issue with hot tea either but today even that caused my tummy to stick out a little further.  I do that pregnancy wobble when I try to walk it is that uncomfortable.
I promise myself right now TODAY 10/13/2011 at 4:41PM (it should be 5:30 by the way) that I WILL NOT allow myself to feel this way for even one more second.  If it IS because I am eating the wrong things or too much that IS something I have complete control over so there is NO excuse to be miserable.  Going to take a long walk tonight, and eat very light if I eat anything at all.  And tomorrow I will start over!!!!  Can't break a promise to myself right!!!  Why would anyone else keep their word to me if I can't even keep my word to myself!!

For the last 2-3 days I have been SO super bloated.  I literally look 3-4 months pregnant....and I am clearly NOT pregnant!  It is painful, makes simple tasks seem so hard and I even catch myself breathing different, like the pressure and distension is literally affecting everything.  I must admit that I have been eating things that I probably shouldn't eat and more than I should so TODAY I have promised myself to get back to the BASICS and see if I can get this feeling under control.  I had been teetering between 184 and 186, but  yesterday and today I was up to 189-190.  And I can feel every single ounce.  I had stopped tracking my food and calories.  I know that I eat way too fast and take big bites.  So today I am focused on changing that.  I also was drinking a lot of coffee, energy drinks, and regular soda......I know....walking a thin line.  So today I am sticking with my hot teas and water.  For breakfast I had 1/2 an egg with a few slivers of onion.  For snack I am haing 1/4 cup of cottage cheese and 1/4 cup neptune salad.  For lunch I brought Portobello Mushroom soup....I am a little worried about the sodium in the soup though....only going to have about a cup and see how that goes.  For dinner I am having fish, talapia (baked).  
It is strange because I have been eating different things but the bloating and extremely distended abdomen is still there.  It goes away somewhat at night but as soon as I eat something it is right back again.  Not sure what is going on....but it does worry me a little bit.  I read online that it could be an obstruction, I could have IBS, or UC.  There is a list of possibilities.  I had my gallbladder taken out in 2003 so I have always had "bathroom" issues.  But this bloated madness is pushing me over the edge.
Right now I have taken about 3 bites of cottage cheese and the pressure and tightness is so bad I had to sit back away from my desk.  Not sure what is going on....but it needs to go away ASAP!!!

So I see all these great BEFORE AND AFTER photos everywhere so I decided while I was sitting at work waiting for my motivation to come back I would make myself a BEFORE AND AFTER photo.  It is kind of a significant process that I think is very important.  You never can know and appreciate where you are now unless you truly know where you have been.  I think for me it is so enlighting and a positive thing to see actual progress.  I look at myself in the mirror everyday, so while I can sometimes see a difference in my head I am still 301 pounds.  When I go shopping I still go to the plus size section.  I still go staright to Lane Bryant when I go to the mall.  LOL  it is funny how my body is one thing yet my brain sees/remembers something else.  I guess that is what happens when you are use to something for so long.
My one year surgiversary in 11-29-2011....right around the corner.    So...if you are reading this...reply with your before and after.  Or blog about it!  I would love to see how far other have come and help congratulate and celebrate with you ALL!!!

P.S. if anyone sees my motivation running around please send him back my way!!!  Thx

Last night all I could think about was food.  I literally laid in bed and thought about every single piece of food that was in the fridge.  The block cheddar cheese, the pizza, the left over chineese food, eggs, cottage cheese LOL, I thought about it all.  Why?  I wasn't hungry, I had already ate.  HEAD HUNGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I try to hide from it or act like it doesn't exist...but that is impossible.  It is funny sitting here thinking about it I realize that it is simply part of life.  Does that mean that I am a failure?  No.  Does it mean that I am the only one that sits around and thinks about food?  No.  It is funny, I spoke with another woman who had RNY and she swore that she never had head hunger, never thought about food, only ate what was on the plan...basically she claimed to be perfect.  But I honestly believe that no one is 100% perfect.  That is what makes us unique individuals and clearly if we were perfect we would have never had the issues that we had in the past that led us to have surgery in the first place.  I am an emotional eater.  I eat when I am upset, sad, stressed, unhappy, worried....and the list goes on and on.  I am someowhat obsessive compulsive...I obsess and worry myself sick sometimes.  I worry about food, I worry about calories, I worry about everything from time to time.  Does that make me a "failure"? No.  It just means that I am human.  I am sure that most of us have our different "FOOD" related issues.  When I first had surgery and started eating regular food, potato chips were the one thing that went down good, stayed down and didn't cause me any pain.  So I ate potato chips.  Not all the time but every now and then.  I got over it finally but it was something that I had to deal with.  I use to be horrible about drinking my water, but now if I don't have water I can literally tell a difference in the way that I feel...so water is my friend LOL.  Protein, I use to not worry a lot about protein.  Now I think about it all the time.  I try to eat my protein rich foods first that way even if I get full and eat nothing else....I at least got my protein in.  So what am I trying to say?  I am trying to say that we are all unique, we all deal with things differently.  I post my issues on this blog for the OH world to see....that may be a good thing and it may be a bad thing.  Some people don't talk about their issues...that is ok too!  But just because we slip, slack, fall off track...does not mean that we can't get back on track.  Tomorrow is a new day and can be a new start.  I have to learn that I cannot compare myself to those people who think they are "perfect".  No flaws...sounds fake to me!  I accept the "flaws and all" like Beyonce said LOL.  This is a journey to not only becoming slimmer but most importantly to becoming healthier.  People can lose weight and still not be healthy.  It is a complete lifestyle change, not just a number on the scale.  Of course I could be like those that completely stop eating and lose a ton of weight....but would I be healthy?  Probably not.  Today I am 317 days out from surgery...10 months and 13 days.  I started this journey at 301 pounds.  This week I have been going back and forth between 187 and 184.  My original goal weight was 180.  It is a journey like no other.  I am thankful to have embarked on this great experience (finally) and to have come this far and made such great friends in the process (and got rid of some not so great ones as well )
I am learning to accept who I am, what I look like, and what I weight.  Flaws and all!!!

Monday already....I don't understand how the weekend goes so quick and the work week seems to drag on forever.
Well...I moved and then moved again.  I wish I could say that everything went as planned, but it certainly DID NOT!!!  I realized that me and my so called friend really didn't have that much in common after all.  At 31 years old I simply cannot live with someone that is going to tell me how to talk to my son and then in the same breath tell me that she is trying to get her man back in the picture....to live with her.  I don't want to be moving today and then again tomorrow or next week all because you randomly beg your man to come back and live with you.  That wasn't what I signed up for when we discussed being roommates.  AND then...it rained 90% of the weekend here so I am trying to move all my stuff in my Camry in the rain with my 8 year old son and she tells me that she is going to throw the stuff that I did take to her house OUT!  Right...so NO I didn't end up getting that freedom and independence that I wanted.  Yet somehow I am the one at blame for all of this...in her eyes!  Anyway....things are going to be ok.  I am bound and determined to make things right one way or another.  
So...today is a new day and while I am SO VERY tired since I was still up moving stuff at midnight....I am here and today is going to be a great day! 

Food wise....I am feeling back on track with my eats.  I had a week of feeling super hungry and wanting to eat everything in sight.  But I went to the store last night and stocked back up on my healthy, delicious, nutritious treats!!  LOL  Cheddar cheese, cottage cheese, protein (fish, chicken, tuna), eggs...all the stuff that I should have been eating this entire time...yet wasn't!  My weight is at 184.....4 pounds away from goal.  WOO HOO

Happy Monday Funday!!!

Friday....Finally!!!!  OMG I am so glad that it is the weekend!
I cannot express how happy I am that today is Friday.  This has been one of the longest weeks of my entire life. Between packing up stuff, and the ex dragging on moving out his stuff, and work, and life in general....I am literally exhausted.  This morning it was so hard just to get up out of bed....but I am here bright eyed and bushy tailed LOL.  This weekend should be a positive one.  Finishing up my move on Saturday.  And going to St. Augustine to the outlet mall on Sunday.  I need new pants....a girl at work asked me what the heck I was wearing today because my pants are so droopy.  LOL  So hopefully I can find some really good deals as they are already discounted AND they are having their Columbus Day Sale on top of that.
My son wants a jacket and a new backpack with only one strap, the kind they wear across the chest LOL.  Of all things.  I honestly just need the time to breath and be out of this small town and see something new.  There is something about driving that seems to calm my nerves.  Driving, the radio on (loud) LOL and just the open road beautiful scenery.  I love it. 

You know the stress never seems to fully stop.  But it is crazy that things seem to always happen for a reason.  This man has relied on me for so long.  And now he is having to rely on himself.  He called me today and told me that he didn't have the money to pay his first months rent.  LOL, I laugh because I told him that he needs to humble himself.  He went out and bought an expensive living room suite and now can't pay the 1st months rent.  And of course it is my fault.  He almost had me feeling sorry for him as usual.  But I just can't.  Ive told him before that you reap what you sow.  And Karma is a Bytch.  He never wanted to listen.  He was living this fake facade that he had everything under control  because he clearly didn't believe that I was really going to move on.  And now he knows.  He has to stand on his own two feet.  He can go talk to his mom, his friends, seeing that they all mean so much to him anyway.  He can even talk to his landlord/boss for all I care.  I refuse to change my weekend plans or my life to be able to help him.  Those days are so over!!!!!!!!!

I woke up this morning and the scale said 184.4!  I did a small "happy dance".  FOUR pounds from my original goal of 180.  I think once I get there I will probably set a new goal LOL, but just getting there is going to be so exciting.

Strength-where do we get our inner strength from?  That is what I woke up thinking about this morning.  My ex BF came over last night and laid on a good guilt trip.  He of course wants me to move with him, continue paying his way, and continue being miserable.  But for the first time ever...I stood up for myself and said no.  With him it is his way or the highway, like I fool I said we could remain in some type of contact but that isn't good enough for him.  He doesn't understand where I am coming from and probably never will.  So his attitude and his "way of thinking" put us right back where we were in the beginning.....at the END!  I think that God has a way of speaking to us when we are reaching a dangerous point.  God knows that in my heart I just want to be happy and be able to provide for myself and my son.  So when our conversation started out with him and his slick anticts God knew I would easily fall for it.  So he allowed the true attitude to shine through.  Then the cussing started, and that "ghetto" came out and it went down hill fast.  I have learned that it is better to just shut up and let him talk and not say anything.  So he continued to tell me that it had to be this way not that way and that if I moved with my friend then he really knew it was over.  I told him....and I quote "the first load of stuff is going over to her house tomorrow"!  WOW...did I really just stand up for myself and NOT let him change my mind? Where did this attitude come from?  The strength to stand up is an strange overwhelming feeling.  And then I remember that I am not a weak minded person.  I am the woman that raised her son alone.  The one that went through surgery without a man by myside.  Who recovered with no one buy my son at the house with me.  So why at this point and time should I continue to be weak over this man (boy)?  His priorities are different than mine.  We are not in the same place in our lives and honestly he doesn't even know who I am.  And I partly blame myself for that because since I met him I have put myself last and him first so even I forgot who I really am.
I am the person that would give the shirt off my back to someone in need.  Who would do without so that someone else can have.  So taking that attitude and turning it around is something that feels a little strange.  Putting myself first seems strange, maybe selfish.  But I have this desire in my heart to be happy and to do better for myself AND my son.  I want to create memories with him that he will remember forever.  I want to take him places that he has never been before.  Experience new things, see his face light up.  I want him to go to school and tell his friends about his amazing weekend with his super cool mom LOL.  I want to educate him, excite him, help him to open up and become passionate about things as well.  I want to show him everything I can, because when you come right down to it....tomorrow is promised to no one.  The true priorities have to be taken care of...the foolishness has to be left to the side.