sleevegirl

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I've had a pretty crappy several days. My back hurts - a lot. It's been burning at the lower left of my spine and I just want to throw things. Add in a freaking skin infection (thankfully, it doesn't appear to be bacterial so won't affect my upcoming back surgery) and a nice new anal fissure and I'm just done.

The skin infection - we don't know what it is yet, still waiting on definitive answers, but we think it might be shingles, which would make sense based on all the stress I'm under. They put me on an anti-viral and anti-fungal just to make sure and to kick it out so I'm not dealing with that on top of recovery. It hurts and is itchy and is making me crazy. We might never know for sure, but whatever.

The fun (!) part is that a side effect of both of those meds is weight gain. It's kind of screwing with my head. I was up to 158 at one point, but am back down to around 155 at the moment. That happening just as I'm working through maintenance was NO fun. I'm averaging 1250 calories at the moment, so there's simply no way it's real weight. If it is and I have to stay that low in calories for the rest of my life... yeah. No.

I also added cereal back into my diet two weeks ago. I've dealt with constipation for many years, but it's been worse being on this hydrocodone for the past few months. While fiber usually causes MORE issues than not (bulking) I decided to try to find some combination that would help with the issue. I also really missed cereal. I cut it out of my diet after surgery. I just didn't feel like I could control myself with it. But after entirely too much deliberation, I decided that I could find a good high fiber and low sugar option that wouldn't trigger me. I've found a few with very high fiber (Barbara's, Fiber One, and my favorite, Bran Buds). I add Mootopia milk (low sugar, high protein, no lactose) and it's a great breakfast choice. The Bran Buds, in particular, seems to help a LOT with the bathroom issues and I'm not triggered to go look for the frosted flakes. That's a win!

So, my back surgery is scheduled for 7/31. He uses the approach directly from my back so he won't be going through my abdomen. He also does minimally invasive so the wounds will be small. Total OR time should be less than 3 hours. I'll be in the hospital for just one night, he said he could do it same-day, but left it up to me and I think having two levels fused, I'd be more comfortable staying overnight - at least to get a jump on pain meds at the very least.

I'm doing some last minute stuff over the next few days. I love having my own business, but it's a bit stressful to get clients and employees settled and everyone knowing what to do. I'll likely be pretty much out of touch for a month and half way for another month or two. Ahhhh! Trying to not think too much about it :)

I went to a friend's trunk show today. She does beautiful jewelry design (shout out to Swoon Gems!), I bought a super cute pair of earrings and a bracelet to match. I had a great little NSV moment when I realized that not only did I buy a bracelet "off the shelf" but that I needed a few links taken OUT. See how pretty?

So, hubby and I went out with friends to a comedy club. I used to hate them. Hello, fat women hate comedy clubs. While they pretty much have done away with picking at the audience, we all (at least, I think we all, had this fear of being singled out for being the fat chick). I've gone a few times, but never really made a night of it.

Well, I bought a dress, a REALLY cute dress. Size medium (um, hello, it's not a 6X or "tent" size). Whoa. It was fitted. So, off we go to see Drew Carey (who was HILARIOUS and not what I was expecting at all - so funny and so inappropriate - I loved it!)

BUT not before I had a bit of an internal freak out. Like a big one. This dress was pretty thin material, very fitted on top and short (for me anyway, I never wore dresses and never above the knee!). I was kind of having a bit of a panic attack, truth be told. It doesn't help that while I see myself as I am now most of the time in the mirror, I'm starting to really be bugged by the bulging skin that is just everywhere. No amount of "foundation garments" will truly help.

Thank goodness for my local support group, who kind of talked me off the ledge on Facebook. *laughing*

Anyway... I decided that this is my body. I want to wear cute dresses. I want to wear small heels. It's not about everyone else. It's about me. So, I went and had a fabulous time.

And, I must say, we're kind of a hot couple ;)

It also made me think after someone posted on the board here about confidence. It's hard. My confidence comes and goes. Usually, I'm okay and I think I'm doing great. Then something happens, smacks me in the head and reminds me... I'm still a work in progress in many ways...

So, I did it. I got on the scale this morning, looked down and it said:

So, I got off of the scale and got back on. It said the same thing. I stared at it. I took a couple of pain pills and laid down in bed and thought about it. So... what's next? I've been easing into the maintenance phase of my weight loss over the past few months so I'm starting to feel more comfortable about what I need to eat to maintain my weight and stop losing (unfortunately, it doesn't include ice cream every night LOL). While waiting for my back pain to subside, I just thought about that for a while and tried to figure out what I was feeling.

There's a LOT of celebrating. I've never felt like a such a success in my life. My weight was always the huge pink elephant in the room. It was the ONE thing in my life that I couldn't control. It was the one thing that defined me. I was always "the fat friend" or "the funny fat lady". I think it's unfair to say that my weight loss hasn't changed me. It has. I like to believe that I'm mostly the same, but the changes inside are so enormous, it's the things that you don't see that have made me as successful as I have been.

I've been very honest throughout this process. It's been HARD. The decision was hard too. You don't wake up one day and say "oh, I think I'll go get my stomach cut out". A lot of thought and planning went into this. As I've said before, I had a pretty bad childhood. Food was an escape and a way to soothe feelings - whether good or bad. Having a party, have cake. Having a bad day, ice cream. Someone called you a bad name, there's always pie. I had to learn about food - really learn about it. I had to learn to deal with stress and feelings. I've been seeing a counselor on a very regular basis now for over two years. I've said it before, but I'll say it again, therapy has been the single best thing I've done for myself, aside from the surgery itself. It's something that is SO overlooked in the bariatric community.

So. I'm at my goal weight - actually, I will lose about 10 more pounds after plastics and 140 puts me right smack dab in the middle of where my doctors say my ideal weight is. Heck, no one expected me to get this far, so they're happy no matter what. Anything under 175 was gravy, this is pure cream cheese frosting at this point. They are THRILLED with my progress. So few get as far as I have given my starting weight.

I feel great. About myself. About my family. I share my success with so many people. My husband, my kids, my support groups, my counselor, my trainer, everyone that's ever said "yay!" to my stream of updates about my weight. I've been so incredibly lucky to have amazing people in my life that have been behind me ALL the way.

My next steps are figuring how how to maintain my weight while keeping a food plan that is something I can live with, allowing for "treats" and good overall healthy foods. I also need more clothes that fit. While I'm sure my size may change a little after plastics, I have a pretty pathetic closet right now. Continuing with therapy and working on my mental roadblocks. Choosing a weight range I want to stay within and keeping an eye on the scale to see how I'm doing. I had my head in the sand for FAR too many years, if I've learned one thing throughout the past two years it's that I cannot just ignore the scale. I have to have some sort of check in for how I'm doing. And, just, living life.

So, I wasn't sure what to post today, to be honest. I mean, I've probably written this post 20 times in my head over the past two years. So I'm going to give you the stats, share some photos and then give some tips if you're supporting someone that is on a weight loss journey (surgery or not). I think that's the best thing I can give right now.

In May 2011, my weight reached it's highest at 375 pounds. I had surgery on June 21, 2011 at 355 pounds. 2 years and 23 days later (aka today!), I've lost a total of 225.5 pounds. I weigh 149.5 pounds. Holy wow. I have a LOT of skin. I'm asked that a lot. It's pretty bad. It keeps me from wearing the right size jeans. Swimsuits without shorts are out of the question, I have to wear loose shirts or there is so much hanging flab that it looks terrible. I'm hoping to figure out how to afford at least a trunkplasty (around $12k). I'm hoping to finance it after my surgery is paid off. I feel great. I can eat anything I want except for pasta, squishy bread and carbonated beverages (all seem to expand in my stomach and cause me discomfort so I just don't bother). My whole family changed their eating habits and we're ALL healthier and happier.

.... and, now, the photos. A before & after and Tom giving me the promised piggyback ride for reaching my ultimate goal. He even ran around the front yard. It was pretty hilarious and SO sweet. I, of course, worried I was going to hurt him. LOL.

In past blog posts, I've given advice for people that wanted to lose weight, but I think it's equally important to know how to support someone that is. So, just a few things that I found helped (or didn't):

• Be there to listen and not judge. If they are having some ice cream, don't judge them for it. Maybe they worked it into their plan for the day. Maybe this is a day off of their food plan.
   
• Don't be afraid to speak up if they're eating ice cream EVERY day. Be gentle and just ask, "hey, you said to check in with you, so don't think I'm judging, but are you taking the week off? I just notice we've had ice cream every day this week..."
   
• Be prepared for them to be annoyed that you asked. LOL!
   
• It's okay to ask about their weight loss, but "how do you feel" is a REALLY stupid question. I always answered this with "oh, just terrible" with a smirk on my face. Yes, I'm a smart ass.
   
• Unless they are truly skin and bones, do NOT tell them they are getting too skinny or that they need to stop losing weight. I HATE this. I was still "overweight" and had a few people that insisted I was losing too much. I learned to just simply say I was working with my doctors about my ideal weight and had it handled, but thank you for your concern. I mean, really. I get that you are used to seeing your loved one a certain size and drastic weight loss really does seem like they are "too skinny", but most weight loss people totally understand what weight they should be. That's why we have doctors. It's made me really feel like maybe I was doing it wrong and nearly sent me down another disordered place wondering if I just wasn't seeing myself correctly.
   
• Don't call your friend "skinny bitch" more than a few times. It gets old and becomes hurtful. Just because we lost weight doesn't mean we don't love you or judge you and it feels bad to feel judged. Luckily, the friend that was doing this caught herself and stopped. I KNOW you don't mean it, truly, but think about how that feels.
   
• Absolutely, 100% tell us congrats and most don't mind talking about it, but there are other subjects. After a while, even we get really tired of talking about our weight. Talk about the Paris Hilton. Or the weather. Or the Nicks game. ;)
   
• Just be there. Be there to celebrate. Be there to high five. Be there with a hug when needed. Just show up and love us. No matter what.

So, that's it. I am VERY aware that this is going to be a lifelong struggle. I meet people all the time that had surgery and gained back some (if not all) of their weight. I KNOW that my weight and food issues won't disappear just because I see a number on the scale. It's something that I will likely have to be aware of for the rest of my life.

But I'm there. I made it. Take THAT fat genes :)

Man, what a week! It started out with me taking my daughter for skin allergy testing on Monday morning, where I pulled her hair up so they could get to her back... where I discovered... head lice! OMG. We went through this a few Summers ago so it's not our first rodeo. I know it's normal and happens to everyone and they have clean heads, but geezus. Gross. I spent TEN hours picking nits out of her and my son's hair that day. TEN HOURS. I'm a maniac about it though, we have to get them ALL or they will come back. The girl next door had them too. Sigh. No idea who got them first, etc etc.

The good is that the scale has been edging down a little. I'm in maintenance at this point, but I'd still like to see that darn 150 on the scale. It was 151.0 this morning, so I'm getting there. I'm not really trying to lose anymore, just finding my way in maintenance. Some days I can eat 2000 calories and others (like today and yesterday) around 900 and I'm stuffed. I'm just going with the whole thing and listening to my body and what it's telling me (and not my head, that wants chocolate).

I had a support group Wednesday. I realized that I spent two hours listening to be talking about vitamins, protein, water, etc etc. But always in a very "newbie" way. I don't know that the group is giving me what I need right now, so I am thinking of putting together a small group of maintenance folks here locally. I need a group that is tailored to what I need. Maintenance is a whole other ball of wax, for sure.

I had therapy today and it's interesting how different my sessions are now. We still talk about weight issues, but we seem to spend more time working through other things, like life in general. I was also hit by how much better I feel about myself, my life and my work. I may have done some things "wrong", but I've found my own way along this crazy road of weight loss and I have come out the other end happy and healthy.

I've also been getting more and more used to being thin and my new normal. It's nice to feel like who you are. :)

20 days until my back surgery. Thank goodness.

"Only" twenty-six more days until my fusion surgery. I'm reaching that point where, yeah, the recovery is going to suck, but I'm just SO sick of living like this. The pain, the weakness in my legs, the narcotics.

I am struggling with my head. I keep gaining a few pounds by binging on something (last night was rice krispie treats and sugar cookies) and then lose them by cleaning up... then it starts over. I *am* maintaining but this is definitely not the healthiest way to do it. At times, it's just that I feel plain sorry for myself that I'm dealing with another fusion. Sometimes, I think maybe I'm scared to reach final goal (I'm still 2-5 pounds from goal, depending on the day) because I've been "the girl who is losing weight" for so long. Or I'm happy and want to celebrate. Or I'm sad and "need" a pick-me-up.

It's normal to have weight fluctuations. It's NOT normal to eat 4 rice krispie treats and 2 sugar cookies over the course of two hours - and decide to space them out that way so I can fit it in. Sigh.

Today, I've been better. All I can do is keep going. I'm not gaining significantly, but I still have a lot of work today. Thank goodness for therapy.

Here's to hoping my spinal surgeon has an opening sooner :)

So, today is kind of a cool day. Two years ago, today, I had weight loss surgery. I won’t bore you with the details, you can read my other blogs here marked “weight loss” for the “skinny”. If you just want to see the photos, scroll down… otherwise, I’ll ramble

Overall, I feel great. I actually hate when people ask me that, “How do you feel?” I am a smart ass and it shows because I tell them it’s awful. I mean, really, I’ve lost an obese person. How do you THINK that feels? It’s amazing, awe-inspiring, a little sad to think about, and I feel freaking amazing.

It’s also nice that my friends and family are starting to treat me normal again. My weight isn’t the first and only topic of conversation anymore. It really does get old sometimes. Yes, I’m proud of myself. Yes, I don’t mind talking about it, but can we please talk about something else like the weather? Or my annoying children? Or how your husband is a big goofball? LOL. Luckily, I see my friends often enough that it’s becoming a non-issue again. Whew. It also gets annoying to hear about Great Aunt Edna’s daughter who gained all her weight back. Thanks for that story. *laughing* No, seriously, there’s the good and the bad and the good is definitely outweighing the bad

I’ve yet to see the magical “150″ on the scale, but I’ve been maintaining at 152-155 for the past couple of months and that’s fine. After plastics, I’ll be well within my goal and that’s fine. I’m on the upper end of the BMI scale, but we all know that’s crap and frankly, I’m happy where I am right now. I mean, hello. I’ve lost a LOT of weight. I can’t be unhappy about that. Considering that I started at 375, met my surgeon’s goal of 250 at week 36, met my goal of 175 at 18 months and am now well below that… yeah.

Note: I’m 5’6″ – I’m not tall – why do people insist on telling me I’m getting “too skinny”. My doctors all agree that I’m great. If I lose another 5-10 pounds, they will be just as happy as if I stay this weight now. It’s a bizarre phenomenon in the weight loss community. I think it’s because we lose it relatively quickly and people don’t realize what your normal weight really is. My doctors all seem to agree that if I can stay between 135-160, that’s ideal. Heck, anything under 200 is amazing for where I started. So, mom… stop worrying. The doctor says they won’t worry about me unless I dip below 125 and I’m definitely not trying to lose more at this point

So, what I did right – journal what I eat and drink, get enough protein, cut out bad carbs, followed my surgeon’s plan, started regular therapy, not beat myself up when I had ice cream or an occasional treat.

What I would do differently – Hmmmm. I don’t know.  I hate to say this, but I can’t think of anything I would have done differently. I think I’ve done a good job, overall and everything I did was part of my own process.

My advice for those seeking to lose weight and/or have weight loss surgery? Do it. But be ready to change your life. I’ve said this a million times, but I didn’t get fat because I was hungry for food. I had a lot of issues to work through in therapy. Get therapy. Then get more therapy. I honestly believe that counseling is the most missed thing in the bariatric community. It’s sad really how many people don’t deal with their stuff. Be ready to change your eating habits. Don’t just CHANGE them – live them. Commit to them. Get support. My husband and children committed 100% to backing me, to cleaning up our eating as a family and to call me out when I’m screwing up. My friends have been AMAZING. I told them what I was doing and why and asked for their support. I have a few other support groups as well. Seek support, use the support. Keep using it, even when you think you don’t need it, show up. It matters. Relax and stop worrying about when you stall for a while, your body has to adjust. I didn’t lose my weight in one line, it was a long process.

At the end of the day, this is the best thing I could have done for myself. I tried dieting and exercise, but this saved many years of my life. I’ve yet to have anyone give me negative judgements and frankly, if they do, that’s their problem. I did what I did for myself and my family. I went public about it to help others and to be transparent about myself – and that has served me well. Knowing that others are watching me has, in some weird way, kept me on the right path

Yes, I had an emergency neck fusion 9 months after my surgery and, yes, I’m looking at a double lumbar fusion late next month. That’s life. It would have likely happened anyway… but recovering will be easier with all this weight gone. Much easier.

Okay, so the before and after photos… I can NOT believe I’m putting up photos of me in a freaking swimsuit, but here ya go. The last photo is GUCCI. A GUCCI shirt. Me! It was a gift from a dear friend...

So, a couple of weeks early, but I had my 2 year follow up with the surgeon today.

He's very happy (hey, me too!). I weighed 156 this morning... even after several days of vacationing and eating a LOT of crap food. Desserts, breads, you name it. It's the same I weighed when I left, so that's good, but yeah... I gave myself really nice reflux with all that stuff, so lesson learned.

I still want to see 150 on the scale, so I'm still trying, but it's slow and I'm doing it to myself - and, honestly, on purpose. I'm okay with increasing things slowly. Heck, it took me this long to lose 219 pounds. I have gained a hand full of pounds over the past couple of months, but I'm not going to fret over it.

Anyway... so, he asked me what my secret was because most folks that start out as heavy as I was don't get down as low as I have. I was honest... hard work. It's SO not the easy way out, as those of you who have had bariatric surgery know. It's hard. It's damn hard. I did tell him that I keep carbs under control and try to eat around 1200 calories per day. So, all good. I felt good knowing that Dr. Ganta considered an "above and beyond" success story.

I also asked THE question. The question I never have asked because I didn't want to know. I hired my surgeon based on his credentials, reviews and his bedside manner. What meant the most to me was that I had the VERY BEST surgeon in the Austin area. I knew all about bougie sizes, but I didn't want that to make or break my success. We were talking and I told him that I had never asked because I didn't want it to matter while I was losing.

And... he uses a 38, oversewn. He said that hears people all the time saying 32 is best but that he feels that the complication rate down the road is too high with 32s and the has seen the best results with 38, oversewn. Good enough for me. I guess that means I'm feeling more confident now... because I DID finally ask :)

So, wow. A "larger sleeve" can work. I've got 219 pounds that says it does :)

So, I went camping. For 3 days. In the woods, like the REAL woods. Tom and I attended Burning Flipside 2013 this weekend.

It was very cool. Basically, 2600 people (or so) start with raw land. They provide you with portapotties (thank god!) and you set up your own camp cities. Our camp was pretty tame, thank goodness, compared to some of the others, but just enough crazy for me. They've spent a long time building an effigy and then they burn it the last night. This year it was a bandersnatch. It's supposed to symbolize different things to different people.

To me, it symbolized my previous obese life and letting go of some things that I needed to. I don't think I fully realized that until this morning after sitting with that for a while. I'm not sure if we'll go back, to be honest, but I'd consider it. We will decide when the time comes.

Photos of me - at 222 pounds lost (I did come back a few pounds up, but I'm not worried in the least). And some photos of the bandersnatch, whole... and burning.

Well, a video of the bandersnatch whole -- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxQQKiZJw3E - it's a wooden structure

... about how I figured... although I wasn't as nervous as I thought... full run down on my personal blog:

http://beauchampfamily.com/2013/05/visit-with-the-plastic-surgeon/

Over-sharing... of course.

So, today I'm 23 months out - 99 weeks out (yes, I keep track, see the very bottom of my profile LOL). I'm up 2 pounds from a month ago. I usually don't count it unless it sticks around for more than a couple of weeks, but it's sticking around. I know it's because of my over abundance of planned over calorie days, my TOM was especially bad this month and I'm sure the steroid injections weren't doing me any favors. Feeling sorry for myself about all the back issues, not moving like I need to be because it hurts. The list and excuses go on and on.

BUT, I'm going to just forgive myself and move on. I cannot control everything and the reality is that I'm still within my maintenance range. I still REALLY want to see 150 on the scale, like actually SEE it, but I can only do so much right this moment. I'm going to buckle down as much as I can over the next month and try to reach my ultimate goal of 150 before my 2 year point.

Life is really good, even with all the curve balls I've been thrown. I'm going camping for the weekend with hubby and friends. The next weekend, my daughter and I are heading to Idaho for a few days to hang out with a friend of the family. I'm doing stuff that I would have never done before. Who can complain about THAT?

I feel oddly at peace today with it all.