a_better_life81

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

 This morning I got up, made my shake, grabbed my lap top and went back to my bed. I spent the morning reading some blogs, catching up on emails and nothing that was really important. I am not hungry, nor do I feel like running in to find food. If I had had an excuse to get out last night, I would have hit up taco bell for a meximelt for sure. I of course am glad I didn't. 

My husband called  this morning from work and asked if I had any plans for the day. (Normally this is where the," I am working close by want to meet up for lunch?" would come in..so I was a little worried) Instead he said, good, then just rest today. I think he's a keeper. 

So, I am, I spent the morning reading and decided I needed to pamper myself a bit. My auntie bought me this face peel stuff for my birthday. It's blackberry and smells pretty good. I decided to give it a go. It says to leave on 20 min to dry and then peel off for a gentle refreshed feel. Well, I was a bit worried when it came out of the tube looking a bit like unrefined oil. But it went on smooth and had a cooling effect. I decided I was overthinking this and it would be fine.. It was weird as it dried and I couldn't move my face! Then the peeling came. I kinda feel like I had been misled a bit. I felt like I peeled away the top three layers of my face off...surely I didn't have that much crap on my face! I mean I do feel fresh and smooth, but good grief, I think you'd have to feel fresh if you took off the first two layers. I used a mild cleansing soap after to get the rest of the peel off that wouldn't come off by peeling. FYI..I got a bit on my eyebrow and didn't realize it..I think I waxed some of my eyebrow off...but it did not wax off the fine hair under my chin..I think that is crap! 

Anyway, while waiting for that to dry two things happened. I had to apologize to my husband for being such a brat last night and while doing so I said something I didn't even know I was going to say...

I kinda feel like I want to cry, but I don't think it's the food, I think it's Gram. I think food is just how I usually deal with this sort of stuff and now that I don't have food, I don't know how to handle all of this all over again. 

I have to say that saying that made me realize that it is the truth. I need to learn how to deal with anger and sadness with out food. I immediately got off the phone with him and called the grief counselor that hospice set me up with. (BTW-hospice is wonderful and full of amazing people who volunteer their time to help others. They offer a year of free counseling for those who have lost loved ones whether they were a hospice patient or not) 

The second thing was someone commented on my blog post. She had some things to say about a comment I had sent her and was just going over somethings she had read in my blog... then she said. "I am going to steal your diet mantra" What? I had to go re-read my blog. I had forgotten I had even given myself one.. is that not ridiculous? So, I found it and wrote it down this time. I recommend re-reading your blog if you get down. It helped me to rediscover why this is all worth it and how far I have come already. 

So thank you to the wonderful lady who gave me back my perspective and to my awesome husband who refuses to give up on me or let me give up on myself. This morning I awoke to post it notes all over my house with notes ranging from.. 
You're doing great, I love you.  Keep up the hard work.. almost there to some more private. He also told me late last night that he knows how much this means to me and that he knows how much I want to be thin and stay healthy and have a better life and I could be mad at him all I wanted for him not letting me eat but he was not going to let me sabotage this. How can you not love that man? I know I could not do this with out his support and the support of those of you are going through the same thing right now. 

 Today is not a good day!!! It started out as a good day. A just fine, no big deal kinda day. Now.. I am angry at no one and everyone at the same time. 

I am on day 6 of this stupid pre op liquid diet. I hate it. Day two was miserable. I was miserable. I had a headache that was awful, made me sick to my stomach, then I couldn't "eat" cause I was sick to my stomach, but not eating made that worse. I couldn't even stomach the thought of water.. I was miserable until about 3 am the next day. My week was busy.. chaotically busy. So that was kinda okay. But, I know that if I go too long in between "eating" I feel lightheaded and sick. So I try to make sure that I drink something on time and that I try to get in my water which has been a problem all week. 

No, it's not all bad, I did lose 10 lbs in the past 5 days. But back to my second day. I got a phone cal,l a bad phone call from my aunt. My grandma, whom I call gram and I love more dearly than most others in my life has pancreatic cancer.. non operable pancreatic cancer. Her Dr said it will be what she dies from..we just don't know how long she has left. From early post you may remember that I just lost my dad in April. It was horrific.. I had to "watch" him die from 3 states away. I made several trips and did get to spend some time with him but I was not there when he finally passed...from Cancer..diagnosed this same time last year. My gram is just under my dad on the list of people who would devastate me if they were gone. So first my dad.. then his mom in the same year from CANCER!!!!!!!! see how this did not start out as a good week for an emotional eater??

The rest of the week went okay.. and by okay I mean I was busy and although I missed food I was much to proud of myself to  give into the ten min pleasure of scarfing down ANYTHING-YAY me. 

Today? What changed? It caught up to me I think. I am hungry.. head hungry, actually hungry, emotionally hungry.. just hungry. I don't want my shakes..I don't want the cream-milk consistency soup I can have.. I want to eat, something in my mouth with substance that requires me to chew it and savor it. My husband, who was being nice and cooking dinner so I didn't have too, baked a chicken.. the whole house smelled of it. That was the last straw. I have locked myself in my room feeling sorry for myself and being angry at nothing and everything!! 

Why can I not have the low fat baked chicken, broccoli and cottage cheese? The healthy and oh so yummy smelling food the rest of my family was eating? I mean come on, this whole thing is about eating healthy, better, and I can't have any? It's complete and total BS. I hear all the time of people who were allowed to have shakes and one healthy meal and their surgeries went fine. I know this makes my liver smaller and therefore surgery easier and recovery better and if I can't do this now I won't do it then..blah. blah, blah.. I know all of that and I am sure tomorrow I will wake up in a better mind frame and happy that my husband did not let me have that one small wing I was begging him for..but for tonight, I am hiding in my room, mourning my dad, the ideas of losing my gram...and food! 

 Well my almost big day arrives tomorrow. I have to start my two week liquid diet. It seems a little more real now that I am officially moving forward. I met with my Dr for my pre-op apt and he went over the things for surgery and what to expect. I am getting all excited and nervous at the same time. I hope my liquid diet is not as daunting as some have made it out to be. I shall keep you informed of it. I have said good bye to a lot of my favorite foods today. I also went with a friend of mine to get Mani pedis and my last "bad meal". 

Wish me luck!

 Well, I start my two week liquid diet on Tuesday the the 10Th. So, a lot of people have been wanting to take me out and get one last "bad" meal in. It's hard to say no too, but I have to say that even when I have been going out, I have not done too bad with my choices. I did not have the coke I really, really wanted last night at the movies!  I did not drink anything bad on the fourth of July.. just mega amounts of water. I have not lost any more weight in the past two months, but I have not gained any either. So, I shall call this a win. I was not required to lose any pre-surgery, just told not to gain any.

Last night, I went on a date with the hubby to celebrate our 11 year wedding anniversary. I will be having surgery on the 24Th and our anniversary is the 27Th, so I won't be able to get out and celebrate it then. Plus what is the fun in going out to dinner if I can only sip on water ;) So, we went out to Red Lobster so I could get in some shrimp and white bread. I  know I can have shrimp after but not loaded in butter the way they do it. It was nice. I still managed to eat my protein first, so that was good. 

Then we went to a movie and had a great time. I got some pop corn, but only had a couple of bites. 
This weekend we are going out of town to meet my new nephew. My sister in law is going to cook up some yummy last time for a while foods for me which I thought was a sweet offer. Everyone has been very supportive in my choice and is wanting to do what they can to help me out. I am so thankful for family and friends who while they might not make the same choice I am making have been very happy to offer their support and of course sympathy for the foods I have given up for ever. 

We have a very busy week ahead so I am hoping that keeps me occupied and not missing food as I start my liquid road to health. Next weekend is very busy as well and then we have planned a weekend camping trip for our little family the weekend before I have surgery. My kids have been begging to go and I don't know how long after surgery it will be before I feel like sleeping on the ground again! So, I figured I would go and just make sure I take all my liquid stuff with me. My husband is ultra supportive, so I am counting on him to help me keep liquid diet faithful through the smell of cooking burgers and smores!  My diet mantra is, this will help me stay healthy and safe through surgery and this _____________ is not worth risking my health over anymore! 

What an adventure I have gotten myself into. I am going to have my sister in law take pre-liquid diet pictures of me this weekend. Then we are going to take some the night before surgery. I think I will lose some on the liquid diet, so I want to get accurate pics of both. My husband wants to take monthly pictures until I reach goal so that I can see my changes. I think if you see someone everyday it's hard to see the am mounts of changes they go through. For the first time in 15 years, I am excited about taking some pictures. I am excited because the next time I show them off, will be to say... see, look what I came from! 

 Well, I got the call today from my dr's office that gave me the date for my new start. July 24th is the date. It seems so very far away and yet so close too. I have a few things going on over the next few weeks that should keep me a bit busy. I did not get to pick my date, I of course would have picked sooner, but I am glad that is has been set!  It was a happy call to get and made my birthday a little nicer. I have lots of support from my husband and daughters so that keeps me going pretty strong. 

I have given up soda and caffine and really changed the way I eat most everything, so I am kinda on my way already. 

I think my 2 week preop liquid diet starts on the 10th of July. I am not looking forward to that, so if anyone has tips for making that go easier, let me know!!!

 Well, 
I got my insurance approval form today!! I am crazy excited and crazy nervous! I have a call into my Dr's office to get my date set. 

 Well, it has been a very long while since I have been on here. I had put things on hold for a bit so that I could think about what was going on and how bad I really wanted/needed change. 

First I started playing mind games with myself. I "only" need to loose about 100 lbs. I can do that on my own, I am just being lazy about everything. Then I went on a juice only diet to cleanse and get into rapid weight loss. I lost about 15 lbs and was thrilled. So, I canceled all my surgery apts and kept going. Then I stalled...then I kept trying different things and nothing was working. Hmmmm I have been here before. 

So, I figured I would at least do all the apts while I tried to loose the weight. If, by the time I was ready for the surgery I had lost the weight I wanted to loose, then great, I would not need the surgery. If I had not then at least I would not have to wait any longer for the surgery to come around. So, I started making plans for the apts again that I still needed to get set up. 

I was trucking along and had made all the apts I needed to make. I knew some of them were to be after we got back from vacation in FL. So, I had a little bit of time for those, but I had one set up for the 23rd of April for my upper GI.

Then we got a life changing phone call on the 19th. My father who has been ill for some time, would not likely make it through the night. We had been expecting him to pass away sometime this Summer, but I had plans to do see him after our trip to FL and before my surgery. An hour after that phone call he was gone. It crushed me and I have been having a hard time since then. Instead of having my upper GI apt on the 23rd, we buried my father. I had to take some time off to gather my thoughts and figure things out. 


I am getting back on track. I had my Psych apt last Monday. She and I agreed that while I am cleared for surgery, it would be a good idea to find someone to talk to as more emotions might come up after my surgery. Whew, that ones done. 

Next I had to have this IDEXA scan thing done. I think it's a waste of money, but our office requires it. So, I had that done as well as a cardio coach thing that also, didn't tell me much. I finally was able to reschedule my upper GI and had that done on Wed as well as a couple other tests. So, the only ones I have left is a nutrition/exercise apt next Thursday to set up my plans and goals for before and after surgery. I am pretty excited about that! After those apts I have the insurance waiting game to look forward too. 

Well, yesterday was my apt/consultation. It took a pretty long time. My mom is going through the process as well, so we booked our apts together. The office we are going through is very good at getting all the information out to you and having a lot of stuff done ahead of time. They had an insurance work up for me already with all of the requirements I will have to have. Turns out our insurance does not require a lot. I have to go to several classes and  evaluations through the  center. Plus I have to have the usual testing done. As of right now, I have an apt for every class or test I have to have, set up for March! If all goes well, I will have all my work done by March 20th. That is exciting to me!  

A step forward =) 

 Tomorrow is meet the surgeon day! I originally thought about getting the RNY. Now, I am leaning toward the sleeve. I know the RNY has the best results as far as weight reduction. However, I don't need to loose 200-300 lbs. So, I think the sleeve would work well for me. Plus, I think the sleeve will allow me to live a more "normal" life later on after I have the weight off and life under control. I will see what the surgeon suggests and go from there. I am thrilled about tomorrows apt. Ready to get the process going! 

 I go to see the Dr in one week. I have been looking forward to this apt for a month! I am hoping this will really get things going. I have a whole slew of tests that his office requires before they will submit my paper work to the insurance, so I am hoping they get things moving and I can start knocking the tests out pretty quick.  I've started eating differently trying to get used to Lower fat and sugar foods so it's not such a shock later.

I have not had soda in a couple of weeks and that has been a hard one for me!! I have found a couple of really nice recipes for things like cookies and pancakes I started making out of whole wheat flour and oat flour with skim milk or yogurt and tons less sugar.. I know I won't be able to eat those things for a while,(if ever) but I have a family to feed and one of my girls is a bit over weight and super worried about her weight lately. My husband thinks it's cause I have been focused on losing weight myself. But, shes 9 and I don't want her to have a hard time like me. So, I am working very hard on not only switching my eating habits over, but our family as a whole.

The hubs and kids have been great about it and working very hard on trying new things and be willing to make good changes. 

I am so lucky to have such a supportive family and a strong husband who wants to be there for me and make all of our lives better. He even said he would go on the two week pre-op liquid diet with me. I don't know if he will make it the whole two weeks. But, it's very sweet and reassuring that he's going to give it a try!!