Amanda S.

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Today is Day 4.  I feel like I've been doing this for weeks and that it will never end.  For some reason I've been craving salmon, french fries and creamed corn who knows why but I actually can smell these foods sometimes its really weird.

Things I've learned so far: 
*I do not like the orange crème shake I can't find anything to make it taste good - I have to choke it down - its so gross.  
*I've learned I don't like peach jello. 
*To make my Swiss Mocha shake better I found SF coffee drink mix that is suisse mocha flavored made a huge difference.  
*When ever I have the hunger feeling and its not meal time yet bouillon is my best friend.  
*I prefer jello to popsicles - the popsicles just taste really weird to me.  
*I find that I'm thirsty a lot more that in the past so I have to make sure I'm drinking my water.  
*I have the cloudy feeling most of the time like I can't think straight or that things that I say or type just won't make any sense. 
*I feel fatigued - some nights I can only sleep about 5-6 hours and other nights up to 9.  Some days I need a nap in the middle of the day others not.  I can’t explain it. 
*Since I don’t have any foods that require real chewing – I want something I can chew on so I have found gum to be a friend in this area – I’m not a gum chewer but it does help.

Today was the first day of my pre-op diet. 13 more days to go.

The medifast products do not taste very good so I've started looking for sugar free things to add to them.  This morning to my orange creme shake I added some SF orange jello gave it a bit better taste - I'm going to have to experiment more on that one.  My second shake of the day dutch chocolate I added a little SF carmel syrup I found at wal-mart made much improvement.  For my chocolate pudding which by itself was just something awful I added a little SF raspberry preserves - huge improvement. 

Now since the shakes and puddings were the only products that did not contain wheat I worked with the Nut to find additional items that I would be able to eat.  So I had 1/4 cup organic oatmeal added a little splenda brown sugar very tasty.  I also found gluten free creamy soups, they are basicly thick broth but give me some sort of salt tasting food so not everything is on the sweet side - a welcome change in the day.

And of course I had my daily supply of SF jello and SF popsicles I can see myself growing tired of them quickly.

Today definatly felt like a much longer day that it was. I just need to find something to occupy my time.

On March 16 I get to start the Medifast Diet. Problem is the only products that didn't have wheat in them was the shake and pudding.  So I have to work with the Nut to find other products from the real world that I will be able to have. One can not live off of shakes, pudding, and sugar free liquids for two weeks - I will lose my mind.  I found oatmeal and soup that I can eat hopefully we can just add some protein powder to them.

The more I think about this the harder it looks like it's going to be.  Medifast for two weeks prior to surgery, the week following surgery see through liquids, two weeks out puree, week 3,4 & 5 soft foods.  It's all for the good of my band healing I know but I think this will be tougher than any diet I have ever tried in the past. I just keep telling myself - "it will be worth it" - "I am worth it"

I wonder what pureed ham tastes like. Yum easter dinner!!

It's all leading up to the new improved Amanda.  If I was a computer I guess I'm going in for an upgrade and the diet is working out all the bugs. Ha Ha!!!

The excitement has worn off and now I'm starting to get cold feet.  Am I doing the right thing?  Will I be able to live this way for the rest of my life?  I pretty sure I'm not the only person who has ever felt this way before surgery so I'm not too worried about it.  There's a part of me to that still thinks this whole thing is just a dream and not really going to happen.  I'm very confused and scared.   

The thought of being "a normal size" again scares the crap out of me.  I have hidden behind my fat for so long I can't even remember how it feels to just be "normal".  If someone looks at me weird or doesn't like me I always blamed it on the fat - when I eat too much - it's ok I'm fat.  I won't be able to hide any more - I will have to really feel my feelings and not stuff them any longer - THAT IS SO SCARY!! Nothing to hide behind. Just be me. Have real feelings happen in the moment and work through them. Can I do this?

I really need to continue to build my support team. 

Doc's office called today - I"M APPROVED! 

I go for my Nutrition Class on March 8.
Pre Admission Testing on March 20
SURGERY DATE: March 30

I can't believe it.  I'm having a really hard time putting into words just how I feel. It's a very surreal feeling.  Almost like a dream that I'm going to wake up any minute and its not real. But it is real and a dream come true - a path to a thinner healthier me. I just can't believe it's happening.

I am waiting for approval for my surgery so I'm currently I'm doing non-surgical weight loss.  I wanted to start to prepare myself since the band is just a tool and not the magic fix.  I normally don't keep a food diary but decided to start good habit to have.  I'm am currently in my 3rd week for that. I seem to be averageing between 1500-2000 calories a day with lots of protein. I have given up soda pop I think it's been about a two weeks now since my last one.  I'm trying really hard to give up candy - I had a day where I ate a bag of M&M's and boy did it knock me down (see my blog below).  I'm trying hard to find healthy alternatives to the things I ate all the time.  I was one for those people who would eat a candy bar a day and about 2-3 pints of ice cream a week.  Those have been cut out.  Now if I want ice cream I eat a low fat frozen yogurt/sorbert 1/2 cup only. I'm working on getting all my water in I usually get somewhere between 48oz and 60oz which I think is pretty good. So for the month of February I lost 7.3 lbs.  I haven't started to exercise yet because I have a lot of foot and ankle pain, I know that is really the next step to start to have a steady habit for after surgery.

The whole thought of the chance of getting the band has kicked me in the butt to really take control of my life - I was definatly out of control.  

Ok, so I've been trying to eat healthy and start to give things up before surgery so it won't be as hard after. It's been about 10 days since I had any candy or large amounts of sugar.  Well last night I thought I would have some M&M's what a mistake that was.  About one hour after I ate them I started feeling really strange it almost felt like I was drunk or something.  I felt nauseous, my head was pounding, I was dizzy and light headed, the room was spinning to say the least it was awful.  Any way I will not do that again, lesson learned.

Everything went very smooth - I'm being recommended for surgery.

Things I'm doing to start to prepare:

1. I need to invest in purchasing a scale - don't really want to do that :::I HATE SCALES!!:::  - I've been told that I will need to weigh myself once a week.  I'm having really hard time with this concept.  I would much rather do it once a month. But Jennifer told me that it helps motivate people to see that number every week and it also keeps you in check with eating and exercise.

2. I decided to start keeping a food journal just so I can create a good habit before surgery comes this way it will be easy to pin point areas that need improvement.

3. I'm giving up soda pop - I have three cans left when they are gone I'm done this will just make things easier the sooner I start to make the changes I need to make.

4. I bought a book called food and feelings workbook to help me develop other ways of coping with emotions other than eating my way through them - cause I know that will not be an option after being banded.

5. I need to increase my circle of support.  I know I have OH for support but I need to be able to meet with people and reach out when needed - I'm working on this one.  I'm a bit of a hermit, I kinda keep to myself so reaching out to people I know is a little difficult so I'm working on my network of friends.

Alright 5 goals for now is plenty.  I will be calling Tracy next Wednesday to get status on everything. If all goes as planned I will have a date very soon. Happy, scared, excited, scared, gitty oh and did I mention scared? I know there is nothing to be scared of, this is the right choice, the right time and I'm ready so move over scared I'm on my way!

Today upon a bus I saw
A girl with golden hair;
She seemed so gay, I envied her,
And wish that I were half so fair;
I watched her as she rose to leave,
And saw her hobble down the aisle.
She had one leg and wore a crutch,
But as she passed--a smile.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine;
I have two legs--the world is mine.

Later on I bought some sweets.
The boy who sold them had such charm,
I thought I'd stop and talk awhile.
If I were late, t'would do no harm.
And as we talked he said,
"Thank you, sir, you've really been so kind.
It's nice to talk to folks like you
Because, you see, I'm blind"
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine;
I have two eyes--the world is mine

Later, walking down the street,
I met a boy with eyes so blue.
But he stood and watched the others play;
It seemed he knew not what to do.
I paused, and then I said,
"Why don't you join the others, dear?"
But he looked straight ahead without a word,
And then I knew, he couldn't hear.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine;
I have two ears--the world is mine.

Two legs to take me where I go,
Two eyes to see the sunset's glow,
Two ears to hear all I should know,
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine;
I'm blest, indeed, the world is mine.

Dr. Tennyson Guyer