Braven05

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

Yesterday I went in and saw my surgeon's PA...I was resitant to seeing her because I didn't know if she'd be as good as him at accessing my port and even though I don't like my surgeon at all just the thought of him actually being a surgeon was comforting.  Anyways, I LOVED the PA!  I'd like to see her every time but unfortunately she's only there on Tuesdays and thats insanely inconvenient for me.

When she walked into the room I was looking at the little fill chart on the wall that talks about the yellow zone, the green zone, and the red zone.  She looked at my chart and noticed that I'd lost 21 lbs in 8 weeks since I'd last been there and asked me if I had restriction.  I laughed and said, "I'm pretty sure I'm in the red zone right now!"  and she just started laughing.  Said she wasn't laughing at my situation but at the fact that I was laughing about it  Then she asked me what was going on, why I thought I was too tight, what I was having trouble with, etc.  I was shocked, she was actually listening to me!  I wasn't used to that.  So then she said she thought it was obvious I would need an unfill and asked me why I waited so long!

If only I could have said what was really on my mind about why I hadn't been in early.  I know the process yesterday wouldn't have been as easy if I had been dealing with Dr. O'Jerk!  So anyways, she got my port with a little bit of digging (more than usual but nothing I couldn't handle) and she drew it all out to see how much I had in there - 5.5 cc like I had thought - and then she put back in 5 cc.  So she removed .5cc.  I'm hoping this wasn't too much and I'll still feel some restriction...but I'm glad not to be so tight anymore.

The relief is obvious.  She told me to do liquids and mushies for a couple of days in case of irritation.  I can already tell I'm not irritated but I'm following orders anyways.  The biggest thing is I can just feel that I'm not as tight anymore.  While it feels WONDERFUL...its also scaring me a little bit.  But I guess I won't really know until I go back to solids.  Keeping my fingers crossed!

I do believe I'm too tight.  I'm going in on friday to ask him to remove .5cc and see how that works out.  Just returned from an 11 day business trip in Florida and it was HELL...so yeah..I'm admitting that I was wrong.  Make note of it...it might not happen again for years

Its been a rough few weeks since my last fill.  I'll admit that.  Its been an experiment in eating all over again, and a test in the endurance of my patience.  I don't believe that I am over all too tight.  But I do believe that sometimes I get too tight.  Especially in the morning through lunchtime.  Dinner I am okay and can eat without much worry of getting stuck.  Pills have been a challenge as I have gotten stuck on pills 3 or 4 times.

Unfortunately I have had many many sliming episodes and at least 3 PBing episodes.  But I'm being dilligent about chewing well, taking small bites, and paying more attention to whether or not I'm full (still gotta stop trying to clean my plate even if I only took a small amount in the first place).

Asking for an unfill isn't possible.  I fought so long and so hard for this fill (4 months) that I won't go to him and ask him to take some out.  I can just see asking to have .25 cc taken out and him taking out a full cc or more.  I know with increaed weightloss the band will loosen up anyways, so thats where I'm looking.  Like I said, I don't think I'm TOO tight.  I could lose probably .25 cc and be ok restriction wise, but I'm able to still eat solid protein as long as I'm careful and its moist.

Anyways, this morning I woke up and stepped on the scale - 252 lbs - thats 2 lbs away from my first goal weight and 90 lbs lost since I started the process on December 9, 2007 (13 months ago).  90 lbs in 13 months!!  Thats crazy.  Somedays I feel like a completely different person and some days I don't.  The other night I was looking in the mirror and noticed how pronounced my collarbones are.  Its almost creepy!  When I lose more weight those things are going to stick out so far!  I never would have guessed that.  Anyways...frustrating as the past couple weeks have been both with band-related things, and non band-related things (car accident, horrible plane ride, allergic reaction) I'm still happy.  And thats a good thing.  Happy Friday everyone!

So, as worried as I was about not getting a fill last week, my doctor gave me a full cc, bringing me up to 5.5 cc in a 10 cc band.  NOW, after 9 months, I finally know what restriction is!  Holy crap is all I have to say!  I thought I was living by some strict rules before, its nothing like now!  And I love it.  It takes a lot of patience and I had one day where I was VERY frustrated because I was getting stuck on water and I was thinking I was overfilled.  But I seem to have loosened up.  I just need to take it slow and easy and keep aware of what I'm doing, which I should have been doing in the first place.

I had packed on a couple of lbs over the holidays (don't tell anyone!) and as of saturday morning (6 days ago), I was 267 lbs...this morning I weighed in at 258 lbs.  I've been losing like a lb a day.  Its about time.  The scale has barely moved in 4 months, I KNEW a fill was all I needed to get me going again.  It feels wonderful!  I know it will slow down eventually but this week I am in HEAVEN!  I just calculated it and I need to lose 20 more lbs to reach the "halfway mark" in my weightloss journey.  And in 16 more lbs I will be down 100 lbs since my initial consult and official weigh-in. 

I was wishing and hoping to make it to 100 lbs lost in the first year.  While I'm not altogether sure thats attainable by April 2nd...its 37 lbs.  If I lose 2 lbs a week thats only 22 lbs, putting me 15 lbs below target.  Even so - 85 lbs in a year would be freaking fantastic!  Anyways, these are my ramblings for today....that is all

Hope everyone reading had a wonderful holiday!  Mine was very nice, filled with good times with family and friends.  Ok and some good food too...but we're back on track for the most part.  Very anxious about my upcoming fill in 5 days...sooo nervous he won't fill me.  But I think I've only lost about 2 lbs since my last one...and it wasn't on pupose.  I'm kind of afraid he'll think it was on purpose and refuse me again.

I don't know, I just think its ridiculous that I'm stressing about this.  I shouldn't have to be.  Anyways, just wanted to wish everyone Happy Holidays, Happy New Year and hopefully this next year will be just as great, if not better for weight-loss.  Here's to finding the new me in the new year!

10 days and I go for my "fill".  I put it in quotations because who knows if it will actually happen.  If we go by weightloss it should happen because I don't think I've lost more than a pound since my last appointment.  But if we're going by what my doctor will actually do, then who knows.

Maybe if he wakes up on the right side of the bed that day I'll get one.  I'm completely frustrated right now because I feel like I've wasted the last 3 months screwing around waiting for my doctor to give me a freaking fill.  Since the end of August I've only lost about 10 lbs.  Thats completely unacceptable and it pisses me off.  I'm usually a pretty positive person, but not when I'm not in control, haha.  Not that I have a control problem, but usually when I set my mind out to do something - complete a task, change a behavior, etc -  I'm in control of it and if I fail I only have myself to blame so I usually try not to fail.  When someone else is holding the reins and is not giving me the 110% I'd give myself - it pisses me off.

I can eat wayyyyyy too much and lately as the holidays have crept up it seems I am doing just that.  I know I haven't gone completely off the deep end but I feel like I am losing the control I once had and it scares me and makes me angry.  If I hadn't hit this roadblock, I would have never started indulging the way I have been lately.  But then that pisses me off because this is a lifestyle change and I should be stronger than this and I should be doing what I'm supposed to be doing regardless of whether or not I'm losing. 

Its just discouraging to have this tool inside of me, to have gone through months and months of researching and debating about whether this was the surgery for me because my BMI was so high, to have lost my pre-op weight, gone through the surgery, recovery period, and to be at a damn stand still not because of my lack of effort, but because of a lack of effort on the part of my doctor.  It just makes me want to scream.

The day I get my fill is the day I'm recommitting myself.  Whether the fill gives me restriction or not.  No more screwing around.  But if for some reason I don't get my fill, I'm still recommitting myself.  To stopping with the splurging, and to finding a new doctor who will take me on for aftercare.  I can't keep fighting for fills.  Because I'll hurt someone

Happy Holidays to everyone.  Enjoy the time with family and friends and remember to stay strong! 

I started my pre-op diet!  How time flies when you're having fun!  I attended the nutritional seminar, thinking I still had some time to put off the pre-op diet but learned that I needed to start because at my next nutrition appointment I would be weighed. 

So a year ago today I started losing the 17 lbs that was 5% of my body weight at the time.  It was required by my insurance to prove that I was serious about the work it would take to have the band.

This time a year ago I weighed 342 lbs.  I had no idea I'd gotten that big!  Today I weighed in at 264 lbs - thats 78 lbs lost in a year.  I was hoping and crossing my fingers to make it to 80 lbs lost but, hey its close enough!

No matter how much I've stalled out over the past few months and how little I think I've lost, 78 lbs in a year is nothing to scoff at!  Sometimes I feel myself getting down, thinking I should be losing faster and I always need to remind myself that I chose the band because its slow!  It took me 28 years to get as big as I did.  Its not going to come off overnight!  And I don't want it to. 

But I want to get moving again!  I can't wait to get another fill to bring me closer to my perfect restriction level and get losing again.  Unfortunately that won't happen until after the New Year.  I just need to hold strong, be patient, and pray that I'll keep moving in the right direction.  I just can't believe its been a year since I started my pre-op diet!  Whew!  What a ride!

Yesterday I returned home from a 9 day vacation in Puerto Rico with my mother.  We stayed just outside of San Juan, PR.  It was a beautiful, wonderful trip.  The entire time there it didn't go under 82 degrees and it only rained once, two days after we got there.

Now, I decided before going on this trip that I wasn't going to obsess over my diet.  The two of us planned on going to the grocery store and buying things so that we could eat breakfast and dinner in the hotel, using our little microwave.  Lunch, we would eat out at different Puerto Rican restaurants.  We bought things like yogurt and oatmeal for breakfast, and some frozen dinners.  Traditional food in Puerto Rico is rice, beans, plantains, and a lot of chicken or pork.

I definitely ate well during the trip and didn't feel guilty about splurging and having some things I haven't had in months or don't have regularly, like pumpkin pie, ice cream, etc.  For the most part I tried to follow the band rules by concentrating on protein first and then moving on to the starches (because vegetables are not plentiful there!).

We did a lot of walking but I only visited the fitness center (a treadmill, stationary bike, and weight machine) once.  One day we went on a hike through El Yunque rainforest (3 miles up and down hills) and climbed to the top of a tall observation tower.

So last night when I got home I approached the scale with fear.  I figured I'd have 3-5 lbs extra on me that I'd have to spend time working off for the next couple of weeks.  It was a sacrifice I was willing to make, to be able to enjoy my vacation without completely overindulging like before surgery.  I stepped on the scale and I was 2 lbs lighter than when I left!  What?!  2 pounds??  How is this possible?  I don't know but I'm not going to question it.

I'm back to reality now, ready to hit the gym and get back on track with food.  All I have to say is - I love my band!!

So my plan has gone out the window and its very frustrating.  Especially when I read about people who are only 2 months out of surgery and they have more in their bands than I do.

Monday I called my surgeon's office to ask if it was possible to talk to the PA about getting in early for my fill.  I am leaving tomorrow for Puerto Rico (woooo!) and I wanted to try and get in the next week for a fill.  The receptionist said that it wasn't possible to come in early because my surgeon was booking out past the date of my appointment.  I then asked if there were ever any appointment cancellations and she said if there are it only lightens his load because he's overbooked as it is.  This pisses me off for a number of reasons.

#1 - If he had given me a sooner time frame after my last appointment, say, 4 weeks, I wouldn't have this problem.
#2 - Whyyyyyyyy when you're dealing with people who need aftercare would you book yourself up so much that you now become unaccessible to those that need you???????  It doesn't make any sense!!

I told the woman I was talking to that I thought it was ridiculous and that I was very unhappy with the aftercare I was receiving and all she had to say was, "Okay, I'll transfer you."  She clearly didn't want to hear what I had to say.  I left someone a message but of course they haven't gotten back to me.

Yesterday I was with someone who had surgery a few months before I did and she has 7.5 ccs in her band.  I am so furious that my doctor thinks 4.5 ccs is alot of fluid!  So after I talked to the receptionist I decided that I was going to try to find a new aftercare center but I was quickly discouraged by finding out that a lot of surgeon's won't take on someone else's patients and if they do they will charge a hefty out of pocket fee - which I don't have.  So then I looked into FillCentersUSA - closest one is 224 miles away. 

What does this mean?  I'm screwed.  And I'm at the mercy of a jackass.  This really bothers me.  But all I can do is suffer through the holidays and make it to January 2nd.  I won't have lost a pound.  At this point I've stopped losing even though I'm working out 5-6 days at the gym and eating appropriately for me.  I can't really do much more.  I need a fill.  I'm so frustrated I want to scream.  I wish I had known I was going to run into this wall ahead of time.  Its completely sucky because I'm doing everything in my power to be successful with this band and its someone else who is impeding my progress.

I am still angry at what transpired at my doctor's last week but I am calmer about the situation.  I still feel like screaming when I think about it, but I'm restraining myself.  I have a game plan.  I've been able to talk to people and get some support and now I think I will be able to stand up for myself when I need to.

I think the first week in December (after I return from Puerto Rico), I'm going to call the office and try to speak with the Physician's Assistant.  She never does any of the fills and I've only seen her once but I figure it'll be easier getting her on the phone than my surgeon.  I am going to talk to her about my concerns about the appointment last week, how I felt I was dismissed and how I'm educated about this surgery and its offensive to be talked to like I'm an idiot.  I will see if I can get her to talk to the surgeon to let me come in early for a fill before the holidays.

If that doesn't work I will wait it out until January 2nd.  Honestly the way things are going right now (scale stuck in place) and the holidays on their way I don't see me meeting his goal of 1-2 lbs a week.  But on the off chance that I do meet the small end of the goal or fall just short of it and he doesn't want to fill me I will insist on one.  If he refuses I will tell him that I am going to look into finding a surgeon that will take on my aftercare because I believe that having to fight for my fills - fills that are a neccessary part of the band in the first place - is counterproductive and detrimental to my weight loss.

If I have to I will look into Dr. Mecenas in Ithaca or Dr. Simon/Dr. Cunningham at University to take on my aftercare and fills.  I don't like having to do that because in theory Dr. O'Malley is the best person to do my fills because he was the surgeon that placed the band, but I can't keep continuing to fight for what I need.  The band is made to be filled.  If it isn't going to be, then whats the point??