Cindy W.

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Well , according to the Oprah show today { The show was on the book "The Secret"and some other peoples input... what you think is what you bring into your life hince... you are what you think if you think positive that will reflect on your life and the "universe will give you what you want and if you think negative thoughts that is what the "universe" will give you . You have to visualize { make a vision board }what you want and tell yourself you love yourself and try to live a happy positive life and all will work out . It sounds good to me !!!! but I choose to give the credit to the creator and not the universe . It only makes common since that if you strive to be happy good things will happen  not to mention make it easier on the people around you . Anyway , back to the main event ... I got my fill today { it did seem funny that show was on today of all days } the second one in a month and I have lost 5 lbs. since last month . Nothing to really jump and shout over but still I'm grateful for it . Why did I get a fill one month later ? I had no restriction and now I have 2.4cc in my  10cc band so I"m a hoping that is going to do the trick for me and get the party started with this weight loss thing . I am really really zeroing in on those positive thoughts.....

Well considering I have not been a model banster I can't complain . I still have not make onderland with my clothes on and my weight was up a little bit from last week . I have only lost 6 lbs. since Feb. but I know it is my fault and what I have to do to get back into my routine . No more excuses ! I had such and easy first six months then BAM ! I think I have just gotten lazy . Dr. Lord was very nice and understanding and when I explained to him how I have not adjusted to this last fill and the trouble I was having by eating to much EVIL soft foods he decided I needed an unfill and brought me back down to 2.1ccs. That was Monday and today is Wednesday and I certainly can tell a difference and think I will not have any  more trouble eating solid foods . Who ever coined the saying this band is a fickle b*tch got it right on the money ! It demands to be treated with respect and treated right or else it will rebel  { Gee it kind of sounds like marriage ! } . I have experienced its rebellion three times and that was enough for me . I know I did not get fat overnight and I know I won't lose it overnight BUT I DO KNOW I WILL lose it ! Maybe at times at a slower pace and maybe at times not at all , but I will reach my goal because I am determined to get there and STAY there . All is STILL good .  ~ C

Oh well , I go Monday for a weigh in and I just dread that . I think in the last three months I have lost maybe 14 lbs. I just hope I don't cry . I am not unhappy{ with what I have lost so far } but just not happy with the way I'm handling all the stress in my life . I am in a large and really feel confortable with the way I look and feel . I'm not thin but I don't look really fat anymore either . I want  to look better but feel like I am sabotaging my efforts and using my Mom's cancer as an excuse . When she hasn't been in the hospital she has been at my house since Feb..  I can't stand to see her doing so poorly and her chemo starts next Thurs. so I know things won't be better for a while . Today I got Botox ! It has been something I wanted to try and finally decided to do it . The Dr. told me it would take a week for the full affects to kick in but I am anxious to see how it is going to work . I also had LPL treatment on my face and it seems to have helped some but I think I need one more treatment because there are still some small red veins left . It has made me feel better so why not !  My health woes{  treatment for my   female problems } have been put on hold for a while . I don't feel well , but I'm just going to have to deal with it until my Mom is finished with her treatments or at least doing better . I know its not going to be the end of the world if I start losing really slow and I know there is going to be treatment for my health problems but the hardest thing is waiting for everything to be over and done with . To want things to be back to normal but at the same time thinking { as far as my Mom } things may never be like they were is almost unbarable at this time . I want her to be her old self and I want to be happy and have fun in my life again . I want balance and the feeling of control not the uncertainty and pain that this big C has brought into our lives . Whew ! All of this said because I don't want one more added stress of weighing in . I am afraid the feeling of failure is going to overwhelm me and I'm going to cry . I HATE to cry in public ! I have shed very few tears since my Mom's { and brother"s } illness and I am afraid the failure of not losing anymore weight than I have and owning up to it is going to open the floodgates !   I like order and routine and I don't have either of those right now . But I can make up my mind to do better and I will . I am not giving up or making anymore excuses or feeling sorry for myself . It will get better only if I try harder and MAKE it happen . I've got to start exercising again and stop eating the wrong foods that is the only way it is going to work . This is just a bump in the road of this long journey of weightloss and only I can do it .

My brother has cancer again . It is a lump of all places on his right tonsil a form of agressive skin cancer that is on the inside and also on a lymph node . His Dr. is optomistic .... what exactly does that mean ? Is it better than hopeful but not as sure as definate ... that he will recover . Next he has to get another biospy then a pet scan to see how far it has spread and then surgery , kemo and radiation treatment . We still haven't heard from my Mom's result of her pet scan . I take her to the Dr. on Wednesday . I am numb that is the only word I can use . This is part of my weight loss journey ... good and bad . In another lifetime I would have gorged myself on food the last two weeks but thankfully { because of the band } I am holding my own funny as it seems .... that is the only thing I have control of right now . I am forced to think on other terms and depend solely on the grace of God to get me through this and of course this blog as an outlet not that I would blame anyone for not reading this ! It is really a bummer .