gonnadoit

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

My mind takes me in circles about my success.  Never in my life have I lost 78 pounds in less than 6 months, but yet, I think I'm not succeeding.  Is 78 pounds on track?  Probably, but I can't help thinking I'm doing something wrong... not giving it 100%... not loosing enough, guick enough.  Why do I have this guilt???

Then I get frustrated because I don't have any clothes (and no money to keep buying new ones).  It's difficult trying to buy clothes for different activities.  I really don't have much to pick from, so trying to get dressed for church was a chore... and I ended up wearing my coat because I didn't feel comfortable (good thing it is always cold in my church!).  I have dressy clothes, but I have to wear them several times during the work week... so the last thing I want to do is wear them on the weekend.

Woe is me!  

Don't get me wrong... I love that I have lost the weight, and I'm actually very pleased with my progress (and take on the plateaus like a pro).  It's just these darn mind games that I play with myself.  I just need to tell myself to shut up!  

On a less dramatic note, I did buy a swimsuit while on vacation last weekend.  I wore it today when I was hanging out on the patio.  I really felt good in it.  Shocking, I know =}  And my husband couldn't even sit by me without bugging me.  Guess he liked it, too.  It's a 3-piece suit that I got from target.  It's got a dressy tank-style top, an under piece and a skirt thing to cover up what the under thingy is holding back.  I wore it pretty much all day, so that's got to tell ya something... as that hasn't happened in a LONG time (like about 15 years).  

On the food front, I'm still hanging in there.  I'm trying to turn good eating into a habit - not just for me, but for the whole family.  I think I went overboard when talking to my youngest daughter today.  She was wearing a sports top and shorts, and her belly was sticking waaay out.  I couldn't help but see me in her, and I probably said some things to her that I shouldn't have... all for the sake of trying to make it so she doesn't end up like me.  Who am I to judge her?  She's still at that innocent age, where the only one who might say something is her sister.  Who am I to say that things won't work out perfectly for her (no matter her size).  There's that guilt again.  Hopefully, I didn't ruin her (yet), but I sure did feel myself knocking her self-esteen down a bit.  (Maybe not, but that's how I feel looking back on the lecture.)

That's enough bashing myself for one day.  Time for bed.  I hope I fall asleep quickly instead of rehashing all the events of today!

When will I get to the point when I can say that I am only eating for nutrition??? 

As I go through this journey, I analyze my eating more than I ever have in the past.  The problem... I don't always analyze at the right time (meaning the food has already been consumed).  I was having a fairly good day foodwise.  I did try to eat protein first and not snack (even though I was on the road).  I didn't do a perfect job, but I did OK... much better than I would have in the past!  

As I'm sitting here at the computer (in the kitchen), I decide to get up and root around for food.  I settle on a 100 calorie granola bar.  Not the worst choice I could have made, but still...  After I was done eating it, I starting kicking myself.  Why did I eat?  I wasn't hungry.  And why didn't I stop myself???

This just makes me realize that I have a long way to go with my habits before I can really consider myself successful.  Eating like this is setting me up for failure (in the long run).  

It's not Monday, but here it goes...

1 - I can stand to do dishes and not end up with an aching back.
2 - I can kneel in church for a long time, without pain (or without leaning my rear on the pew).
3 - I don't plan out an escape route when sitting in a crowded place.  I just sit at whatever chair comes first... versus mapping out an exit route to the bathroom and to the door.  Just in time for wedding and graduation season!
4 - I just made a doctor's appointment, and I'm looking forward to going!
5 - Curves ahead (Woo Hoo)... I got somewhat of a compliment for a co-worker.  She said she wished she was more like me - had curves.  I've begin to notice that I actually have a shape now/again.  Yeah for me!
6 - I can make healthy choices when I haven't planned... such as stopping in the grocery store, buying and eating cheese or deli meat instead of dropping into a fast food place.
7 - I can eat slowly and feel full.  
8 - I can feel full on 1/2 a lean cuisine... versus feeling like I ate nothing after scarfing down a whole freezer meal.
9 - I can walk through the church pew without having to side step it to my seat.
10 - I have energy to stay out late - working in the yard.  It has been a long time.  This is one step that lets me know I'm getting back to myself... back to normal!

Last night, I went shopping right after work.  After I was done with errands, I went grocery shopping.  I bought all fairly healthy foods - no chips, no crackers (other than All Bran).  Since I hadn't eaten, I bought cheese cubes and munched on those on the way home...and had a salad once I got home.  That was a big milestone... cuz it was such a 'drop into BK or McDs and grab something" kind of day.

I'm getting myself mentally prepared for this upcoming weekend.  My husband and I will be going to Indiana for our anniversary... and I want to stay on track.  It's so easy to grab fast food or snack foods.  I've got to make a list of foods I need to take and pack the cooler!  

Today, I'm 5 months post-RNY.  Somedays that seems like a long time, and others, it seems like I just had the surgery.  I'm learning good habits and trying to pass on that knowledge and experience.  I hope that I've been able to help someone over the last 5 months.  

There has been good experiences - losing pounds, gaining confidence, being physically and mentally able to do more, the change in medications and in my CPAP settings.  (I could go on-and-on).  There have also been a few not-so-good experiences - the stricture and getting dilated 3 times, the fast eating and the negative consequences, trying to remember to get in all my nutrition.

All-in-all, this has been a good choice for me (so far).  I hope I can continue to learn better habits and learn to shut out the bad habits that keep trying to sneak back into my life.  And I hope to pass along healthy habits to the rest of my family... to set an example for them.

I was planning to post picture updates, but that'll have to wait.  I loaded th pics onto my computer and noticed that I have really dirty feet.  (I've been working out in the flower beds all weekend . =)  I'll wait until tomorrow...

I'm worried that I'm going to be chalked up as a WLS failure.  Here's why...  I was doing great with changing my eating habit and exercising more.  Then came along the next round of kid events, and it seems that most of my efforts have gone out the window.  I've been absolutely terrible about getting in exercise.  I get home from a full day of work, grab a quick supper (sometimes having to take it with me), and we're off to the event... usually returning home after 9:00 (just in time to put the kids to bed or help them finish up homework).  That's one issue... The other is slipping on getting in my protein.  I've been off schedule for a while now, and I'm finding it difficult to get back on track... but I'm still trying and doing better, and I'm hopeful I'll get back to getting in my entire protein shake (50 grams) before the end of the day.  The last issue is eating carbs (and not the good ones).  I've been reaching for quick snacks (like crackers) and even sucombed to homemade chocolate chip cookies.  I'm not saying I can never have these things, but I definitely had more than necessary lately.  I tossed the cookies, but I just can't bring myself to toss the crackers.  I need to practice healthy habits and control - no matter what food is in my house!  OK, maybe that wasn't the last issue... I started snacking later at night.  That needs to stop, plain and simple (right).  I've gone back to telling myself it is a craving, not a need, and I have to stay out of the kitchen!  It's been helping, but I'm not totally cured.

In a nutshell, bad habits are trying to control my life.  I've recognized that I'm not being good to myself, and I've set change back in motion.

On the vitamin front, I'm still doing good with my multis.  I'm struggling with the calcium.  I have no problem getting in 1000 grams, but struggle finding a way to fit in the other two doses of UpCalD.  I'm going to have to buck up and just dump the stuff on my tongue.  I'm curious to get my next labs done.  At the last one calcium, D and A were all low.  I've stopped throwing up (for the most part) which helps, but I know I need to work on including veggies high in A/carotene and get outside more for some natural D.

I'll be 5 months out next week.  On one hand it seems like I've been dealing with this - eating like this - forever.  (Of course, if that was the case, I wouldn't have needed surgery... he he.)  Yet, it seems so new to me.  I flip-flop like that about how 'normal' I feel, too.  I'll think I'm totally adjusted to the way I look and then I find myself amazed.  I still have a hard time picking up a 1x shirt or a size 20 pants... at Avenue, I even got a size 18 skort.  (Not everything in those sizes fit, but it feels good even to have 1 that does!)  

Speaking of clothes... I was so ticked at the lazy workers in Avenue.  Usually, they are right on ya, but these two ladies were complete opposite.  All they did was sit at the counter and talk or go to the back room.  I had a bizzillion things to try on (with multiple sizes) and they didn't even ask to start a room until I walked right by them.  And when I was trying things on, they only let me take 6 things in (stupid rule!!!!) and then didn't bother to ask me if I needed a different size... So I had to keep getting dressed each time I needed to bring more into the dressing room.  If I wasn't in desperate need of clothes, I would have given them a piece of my mind and walked out of there! 

I received my UpCalD yesterday.  I had planned on starting it today, but I forgot to bring it to work.  I'll have to post my opinion on it later.

I was just reading the funniest post about "you know you need WLS when", and it reminded me about making this entry.  So hear it goes...

1 - I can wipe my B-hind with ease!
2 - I don't immediately asked to be seated at a table... a booth is just fine.
3 - I don't "lasso my foot" when putting on my underwear.  (Thanks for the post Michelle =)
4 - I can see my ummm  "who ha" without having to use a mirror.  (Of course now, I have to pull up a bunch of loose skin... buy hey... it's all good.)   And I can actually shave 'it' again.  (Sorry, TMI!)
5 - I don't feel like all shoppers are staring in my grocery cart to see all the junk I must eat.
6 - I can teach my kids about nutrition and not feel like a hypocrite.
7 - I can get raised and lowered in the salon chair with a little less effort... and don't worry about it dropping to the floor.
8 - My kids can sit on my lap without having to hang on for dear life (for fear of falling off, since they really only have half a butt cheek and leg actually on my LAP.)
9 - I can ride the lawn mower on the ditch and not fear that it's going to roll over from my weight.  (On the flipside, the weight was probably helping.)
10 - I don't cry when looking in the mirror!!!  I'm learning to deal with my body, baggy skin and all.

On Friday, I got a letter from HBC letting me know that my vitamins are all out of whack.  The frustrating part is this is about 6 weeks past my 3 month check up.  

My vitamin A is low, calcium and D.  The  person who sent the letter suggested that once I stop throwing up (from strictures) my vitamin absorption will be better.  

So... I went out and bought some broccoli and carrots and other fruit and veggies and have been munching away.  I'm allergic to carrots, but they are on the high list for vitamin A.  I'm not severly allergic, so I should be OK.  If not, I have my epipen.  Right now, it's important to me to get my vits.

On the calcium front, I've FINALLY ordered some UpCalD.   (Thanks for posting the info, Pam!)

1 - I felt comfortable enough with my weight to jump on the trampoline.  Holy crap is that a lot of work on the legs!  I felt like I was jumping 3 feet high when it was more like 4 inches =}
2 - I can go to the kid's activities and feel confident that the other parents aren't being disgusted by my fatness. 
3 - I love holding my hands together and now like my hands (versus thinking they were just slabs of fat). 
4 - I can look at pictures of myself and feel OK about how I look.
5 -  I sleep more comfortably.
6 -  I don't think twice about where I'm sitting and whether or not I'll be able to get up - or if the chair will break.
7 - I don't feel like I'm going to pass out when I bend over.
8 - I have actually controlled my cravings for fast food (meaning I haven't caved in and gone to McDs for a quarter pounder and fries).
9 - I've started asking friends for a 'girls night out' (versus making excuses to stay home).
10 - I can walk fast - out pacing the rest of my family.