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JULY 9th between 8-noon is the DS day!! ....I am planning on BIG time pain, ….huge belly aches, …..Horrible unbearable discomfort beyond belief ...with every conceivable complication ….SO then MAYBE…. I will be so pleased with the pain level and lack of problems ….I will feel I breezed through it like a vacation on the beach and a picnic (please pass the potato salad) …..BUT IF in the event it is bad…..WELL THEN HEY…. I WAS EXPECTING IT!!
YES---ha ha  I WIN either way!!  
On the serious side..I guess I am feeling a bit hyper this afternoon...not anxious or nervous but a bit hyper...can't sit still can't focus..   
I cleaned out all my cabinets oh my goodness what a waste of money on all the new unopened food I had bought..tossed and gave away several HUGE BOXES of pastas, flour products carb stuff where are all those starving kids could have sent them a bunch!! Gave a whole bag of Hersey kisses and hugs 8 bags of unopened candy to my sister!! BOY She won't feel like hugging or kissing ME!!  I didn't even try one piece...
HOWEVER I have been enjoying every food and meal as a Last supper for the past week!!  I hate the thought of getting on the scales!! 
I wrote my letters to all the family members cried writing some of them,,,had to laugh at others. 
I believe I am as mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically and environmentally ready as I can be think that about covers it ALL!

Well here I am----- 7 days from now I should be (HOPEFULLY) in recovery or my room...on my way to new life. 
I guess it is only natural from what I have read that I would begin to question myself...I have been compiling info for 18 months and tossed most of it as it was RNY specific...so I started again in November of 07 to gather info on DS..
I have HUNDREDS of pages of info. I am trying to organize and read though sift though finding what I need NOW- pre op and post op then farther out..It can become quite overwhelming...
Today spending hours trying to read through stuff...I begin to wonder CAN I do this!? The pain, discomfort, vits balanced and correct fluids I already have trouble with getting enough water in, I already forget to eat…I HAVE to make overall life changes or DIE with or without surgery!  It all seems so much..BUT and here IS the B U T... 
But I KNOW the pay off will be worth it. AND I CAN do it!! ...I HAVE to do it! I WANT TO DO IT! YES I WILL DO IT!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL BE SUCCESSFUL AND MAKE THIS WORK!!!
Guess that was my 1 week freak!!! Well that and I am freaking that something will happen to delay it or post pone surgery...I am SO mentally ready for this! I am scared something will happen and I won't get it...That has been my FEAR for over 18 months of waiting for this!! Worrying that I will be the one that falls through the cracks. 
I KNOW God is in control and I have had a great peace about all this...guess it is just human nature to "worry" about the unknown. 
I have a call into my PCP...I was at the DS meeting Monday night and felt something on my leg..I looked down and there was a stream of black stuff on my leg...I thought I had gotten sauce on it but when I tried to wipe it off it was dried hard. I got a napkin but it was hard to rub it off...THEN I realized it was dried blood. As I washed it off a small puncture began to bleed again...Fresh dark almost black blood. It was all over my leg, other leg and hem of my pants. 
It ended up bleeding for 20 minutes not gushing but bleeding. 
On Weds I had caught a mosquito scab and it pulled off and began bleeding pretty heavy...same. Dark red blood very red on the towels. It didn't bled as bad or as long but TOO much for a small scab from a week ago!
I then noticed that my BM's have been black for a few days...noticed it Monday for sure when I was sick at the restaurant and went to the bathroom a few times...later is when the bleeding happened. 
I began to worry that something may need to be looked out prior to surgery next Weds. I have a call into my PCP to see what he think...Oddly my husband didn't want me to call anyone...he kept saying that they were use to lots of bleeding in Surgery and they could control excessive bleeding etc. not to worry that I wouldn't want anything to postpone the surgery next week...BUT then my son and others encouraged me to go ahead and get it checked out now while I still have a week...
The ONLY change I have made in the past week is to up my Protein with shakes, and added vits B12, Dry D.and 3 proboitics. 
Today just to be safe, I dropped all the other stuff and went back to JUST my REGULAR Meds.  The pre natal AM and multi vit PM 1/2 tablet blood pressure, 1-prozac and one RX antacids.       
I PRAY that this will not be a problem.

 I feel environmentally ready....I have rented a seat lift recliner to be delivered Tuesday morning, purchased a raised toilet seat, just a drop and other bath/room deoxidizer, have my butt buddy, wet wipe flushable, boxes of protein samples, sugar free puddings, jellos, cases of water, all the recommended vitamins, loose cloths to and from the hospital, a journal for notes at the hospital, bought a belly brace with cold pack for at home, T-shirt for under the binders, working on my daily spirometer and the number is going UP each day! SO I feel I AM READY mentally and as physically as I can be!! EMOTIONALLY I have been at peace and calm---- well that is until this bleeding stuff...
I have kept myself VERY busy over the past month made the time go much faster...BUT think I will only be able to breathe a sigh of relief WHEN this is really over and done with and I have HAD the DS and I am REALLY on my way!  Guess I feel I will not believe it until it has happened! 
WELL the PCP just called and they want to see me to do their own blood work up tomorrow Thursday AM..PRAYING all will be ok and NOTHING WILL STOP THIS SURGERY!

 

13 days to surgery…I think I have realized something about myself today….I am eating things I have denied myself for over a year…drank a diet coke recently haven’t had one of those in over 18 months! Drank some coffee don’t even LIKE coffee…drank a BIG cup of Chi tea…kept me up all night!! Eating (too much) chocolate!! Weird stuff like olives, and more bananas, and fruit than usual. It dawned on me today that each time I am eating something I am saying to myself  I will NOT have this again for a long time or I may not enjoy this again…So I seem to be saying good bye to all the foods!! Somehow my brain is saying good bye even though my common sense says that I don’t NEED to say good bye just so long for a while…as a result I have GAINED more weight again…I still have not received any info from the surgeons about the surgery day..I contacted tehm with some questions I had got a note back. They said I should be taking Vit D…no one told me that…Also said I have gall stones…good thing the gallbladder is coming out. They said they never send out surgery info they just call..but that they already had my info so not to expect a call…They again changed my appointment date for the follow-up now instead of moving it to Aug 28 they have me back on Aug 4. I thought 7 weeks was WAY too long to wait for a first follow up appointment. I have also noticed I am second guessing myself about the surgery...what am I doing to myself!! Why couldn't I do it without surgery etc...I of course KNOW the answers guess it is just all part of the freaking out process...Still haven't had to take any Xanax yet...but I do look at it!!    

I am really keeping myself busy in an effort to NOT think about the upcoming DS surgery in just 15 days...JULY 9 8:30 AM....Sigh..
I got though VBS and am now TRYING to catch up on all the yard and house work I have been behind in due to the broken toe and preps for VBS...Only problem...I find when I am so exhusted I cant' hardly move and am trying to get to sleep...I am still thinking of the DS surgery ...I am even dreaming about it...no nightmares thank goodness but obviously on my mind...I am now telling people I NEVER thought I would tell that I am having surgery ...So I am talking about it more.
Dr Inmans office called a few days ago...the gal asked how I was...I said that depends on WHAT you are calling about...is everything still ok with my surgery? She said yes no problems. I could breath again and said then I am fine...She was calling to tell me Dr Inman would not be able to see me for my FIRST post op appointment until AUG 28! that is OVER 7 weeks after my surgery. A tad scary..I asked her what would happen if I had a problem? She said call the office...
Ok...guess I need to get back to "work" I am dwelling too much on it right now..

II had a scary meltdown Saturday 6/7/08 I am sure part of it is was due to the fact it has been dark and stormy here for way too long...Anyway I got a letter from the hospital in the Saturday mail. I MIS- read the info and thought they had postponed my July 9th surgery till Aug...I FREAKED out and cried then realized the dates were all wrong...After calming a bit saw it MUST have been for a post op appointment but it didn't say anything about that...I was still worried something was wrong so I sent an email to the office manager at the surgeon. God love her she ANSWERED on a Saturday!! Said no it was not my surgery but that the date was too far in the future to be for my post op. After all the drama I sat down and had a huge long meltdown cry all the "what if"...and “what will happen”, etc...Guess I am glad I got it out of my system. 
Yesterday I did the Pre op testing at the hospital...I was very disappointed that the doctor (not surgeon but a doc assisting her) was supposed to check me over and go over test results with me...she didn't...literally all she did was ask questions which I had answered MANY times...She said it was all info to submit to insurance! SO basically she was just doing her paperwork to get paid for me sitting there...She spent 8 minutes with me AFTER the paper writing...I checked my watch! She looked in my ears, mouth, didn't even take time to ask me to say ahhh!!.--Just a fast look at my mouth! She did listen to my heart and lungs then bye bye...I said wait I was told you would go over my labs and test results with me...she said I don’t' have them...I said will would I know if there is a problem? She said I don’t know why there would be you look good for surgery to me. then she was gone...I should mention that we arrived at her office an HOUR early for the appointment we were there and nothing else to do NO one was in the waiting room the hour before nor when we left empty!! AND She was 35 minutes LATE for my appointment it was to be at 1PM she didn't arrive until 1:35 and all I got was a full 8 minutes...NO wonder insurance is so high!! RIP OFF for all of us...I would have liked to have known if I was low in any of my labs!! Would have like to have had a copy to compare for later...on the upside I am THRILLED I am DONE with everything and the next time I go to that hospital it will be for my DS surgery July 9 LESS than 4 weeks away!!

I just updated my weight from the pre op class weigh-in boy did that BMI JUMP UP! I was down to a 42.7 BMI and about 247 pounds then gained a bit up to 251 but held around that mark January till April...After the accident without exercise since April my weight has gone up to 266..and the BMI up to 45.7! .BUMMER OUCH ...hurts to see go up so far so fast. Good news I am able to exercise again this weeks. So hopefully I will be able to lose some weight prior to surgery to make my liver smaller and safer. I had lost the 56 pounds last year but nothing really since Jan of 2008. This weight gain just shows how much I need the surgery! Scary to see it creeping back up again. Hope I can lose some in the next 4 1/2 weeks!  With the slow start to exercise this week I have noticed my hunger and cravings are not as bad when I exercise. 

Well this is the day--- -5 weeks till surgery NOW I give myself permission to freak and freaking I am...so stressed I can't think straight today...I am trying to keep my mind occupied...don't know why 5 weeks would be the magic number but seems to be. I know part of it is planning for VBS which starts June 16-20 and I still have NOT finished the lessons nor puppet skits for it haven't purchased snacks or finished the last 40 plaster crafts. The VBS staff meeting is Sunday so I am feeling pressured by that. Next week is Pre op testing June 10. Now add to all that I want to do a surprise birthday party for my husband on June 28 so major house cleaning is in order and lots of yard work to catch up with since my broken foot has kept me down it has all built up since April 17 mix in the July 4th holiday and surgery July 9 and I have a lovely recipe for FREAKING.
So I give myself permission to freak get it out of my system now-then hit the ground running. 
There is so much to do so little time to do it in. I should be plenty busy in June and then July will be here so freak now (hopefully) no time for it later! It would be SO nice if they would just put ya to sleep when you get the surgery date and wake us up after surgery is finished..But then where would be the drama of life?!    

Tomorrow is my preop class it is an exciting day not that sitting in a “classroom” all day is my idea of exciting but the fact that the Pre Op class is another step closer to the reality of the DS surgery..Time is going quickly at this point…wish the healing of my foot would! I am having a bit of panic creeping up when I take time to think about it less than six weeks away…so I try not to do that…All my efforts for a sterile clean home are out the window since injuring the foot…I am disappointed that I have gained so much weight in the past month since the foot injury but will have to make more effort to lose some prior to July 9.

May 29 CLASS UPDATE: Interesting day. Even though they tell you to arrive by 8:30 the class doesn't start until 9:30 for that first hour they just have everyone fill out extra paperwork comparing your answers to the ones given a few months ago at the consult. Then you wait to be called in. When they call you in they take your weight. Mine was the highest I have been since my dieting last year..Now up again to 266 pounds. IN January my scales weighted me at 247…(guess that is better than the 303 of January 2007!) But I am feeling lousy with the extra weight gain lately. My last weight at home a few days ago was 262. So guess 266 IS my official pre-surgery start weight..more to lose. I think that just proves exercise is important to weight loss..Hate that I have gained so much in such a short period of time due to the foot injury! 
After the weight they took pictures of the front and side views. They go over allergies again and ask a few more questions but all of that part still only takes a few minutes per person. We were done pretty quickly but everyone still had to wait for the dietitian to start the class at 9:30 which is when she arrived.  

Class actually went well better than expected. Learned a little info we didn’t know not about the surgery after care and about the hospital procedure of arrival etc. David and I knew more about DS surgery than the gals teaching it. I was a bit disappointed that only 2 other DS patients were there no one with them. So a total of only 4 of us -including my husband and I.

 The other 2 never said a word all day; we asked them questions hoping to get a bond as this is an important part of the weight loss journey for me. Others had told about taking pics developing friendships etc So I had been excited about this part but nothing....during the two breaks we tried to talk to them they just  didn’t seem interested in talking at all to anyone not even each other. No one was introduced so we don’t know their names. We did manage to get them to tell us their surgery dates -the man is having his Friday June 5 the woman July 2 and myself July 9. Both of them had already received info packets from the hospital concerning pre surgery testing and the procedure for the surgery day of arrival. Bonnie suggested I write Colleen that I had not received any info since February and certainly nothing that talked about what NOT to do prior to pre op testing –guess there are some antacids that I should not take 2 weeks prior to testing since my testing in June 10 I thought I better just stop everything. No vitamins etc not know what was ok or not. Guess they will tell me what I need AFTER testing if the blood tests show I am low in anything. 

 The dietitian kept referring to the stomach as the funnel..I corrected her and said DSers have a normal working stomach but she said that Normal persons INCLUDING prior to any surgery all have a “funnel” type stomach..She said she was referring to the fact of drinking prior to during or after meals that drinking FILLS up the tummy too fast. Sounded to me like she changed the info but oh well. I think she was a tad thrown off and it reminded her that we were DSers. The other 2 didn’t’ seem to have a clue about anything as they never said a word. SCARY. 

My husband and I were a bit embarrassed to be the only ones talking but in the afternoon Bonnie the nurse, even said she was tired of hearing herself talk and wished someone else would say something so my husband and I asked questions we didn’t really need answers too…such as does the binder itch, what about preventive blood clots, do you need to make a reservations for the extra bed in the room etc. 
It was not a waste of day but still not as informative as I wish. The note book is quite tiny with very little info and what info there is I question if it is correct for DSers with the diet, and vitamins suggested. We did learn for the first time that my husband will have to give me 2 blood clotting shots per day at HOME for a few weeks! SURE DIDN”T KNOW THAT!! Better be awfully nice to him!   They sent everyone home with a lunch bag with a St Vs. card to give at restaurants that you had WLS and needed the Childs menu, also in the bag was a sippy cup and baby spoon. They also gave the kit for the post surgery anti blood clot shots a DVD to learn how to give them and a kit with info on the shots.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is 10 years ago today my parents both died from a car accident they were in earlier in the month...May is always a hard month for me now...Today is a bit worse due to the cold- dark and rainy day, and add my recently broken foot is hurting much more today and have gained weight as a side effect from the pain meds I was on..
I am also thinking of the blood clot that killed my mom and realizing I am in a much highter risk of blood clots for the DS surgery in 47 days since breaking my foot. It is all getting to me today...Guess we are all entitled to our down days once in awhile. Tomorrow is a new day- thank goodness...  

Tuesday May 13 2008, I went to the PCP in the morning to discuss my desire to have a medicine for the anxiety of the upcoming surgery 8 Weeks from today!  I am already stressing a bit.-mostly fearful that it won’t happen, or that I won’t have the success of others…and of course the pain what will it really be like considering the problems I am having with my toe/foot how can I handle major surgery??!?! and the worries about blood clots etc etc…He is bright and got the idea that I needed a Chill pill....so he gave me a RX for Xanax ---ONLY to be taken sparingly prior to surgery. I feel better having it on hand IF needed. I also talked to him about the hugh doses of Ibuprofens I had been taking for the swelling and pain in the broken toes ---it has now caused tummy problems, severe heartburn, and black tar BMs. Etc. SO Doc said no more Ibuprofen for awhile he told me to DRINK Maalox several times a day! Plus get back to the RX heartburn meds and double up on them...I told him when I take the double dose they cause dizzness for me. Guess I will have to deal with it short term to get this under control prior to surgery!  

In the afternoon I went back to the foot specialist he did more X-rays the breaks in the bones are almost completely healed!! I credit (God of course) and the increase in the vitamins, calcium etc that I have been taking since Late March…The injury was 3 weeks ago he had said breaks take 4-6 weeks to heal but the X-ray show they are pretty much healed now after only 3 weeks-he was surprised!! SO why do I have the extreme pain that comes in waves of pain, the constant swelling and awful discoloration? He did a good through 30 minute exam and talked with me…He said all the other symptoms are caused by the crushed nerve. He said that injury was much worse than a broken bone and could take up to 4-6 MONTHS to heal!! It is causing pain all the way up my leg! He said there was a nerve that runs right between 2 of the 3 broken bones so it was crushed...and will cause more pain then the bones. He sent me to begin physical therapy, nice PT guy..The doc also gave me a knee high removable cast boot and a WONDERFUL RX for a drug that blocks nerve pain.-.Lyrica. I felt better after only one dose!

By morning Weds May 14 -the swelling had gone down for the first time in 3 weeks-it had been so swollen that it was like a 5 pound ham!! I had to wear my husbands sock mine were too tight on it...It would throb, go numb, tingle, and of course waves of pain....BUT after the cast, and meds I could actually stand on it and the color was normal within just hours!! Plus I was very happy girl even though it was drab, chilly and raining all day to me it was a beautiful day! My husband was amazed at the overnight improvement in me and decided to look up the RX on the internet…DUH one of the side effects is Euphoria…YEP definitely have that! Another side effect is the dizziness Yep have that…Dry mouth...yep got that too and also the urge to eat ---rats have that too!!!!! I am more worried about that one…I have wanted to lose an extra 10 pounds prior to Surgery July 9 but at the docs yesterday found with my foot in the thinner ER boot…that I have gained 10 pounds in only 3 weeks!! EXERCISE IS IMPORTANT but cant' do it for now!!! Oh I need the DS surgery pretty badly!!
Another fear....according to the research I have done the injury now puts me in a VERY HIGH RISK for blood clots…That is freaking me out…My mom died with a blood clot to the lung died in mid sentence. She had been in an accident and had sever damage to her leg she died 3 weeks after the accident. SO guess that Xanax will be used sooner than later if I spend much time thinking about that…ooohhh sad thoughts and pain…guess it is time for another HAPPY PILL best get the Wonder pill Lyrica!! Wonder If I can get a case of it!? LOL of course! On the upside June 10 is my preop testing and Dr Inman already has me down for a test for blood clots..