Flustrated 5/1/08

May 01, 2008

I am finding myself frustrated at the moment. I broke my toe in 3 places April 19. It is very hard to try to stay off it-per ER doc, PCP, and foot specialist doc’s orders. As a result I have gained 5 pounds just since April 19- less than 2 weeks! I NEED to lose weight not gain! In addition, I tried a new Sugar Free Chocolate Fudge pudding last night and seem to have had an allergic reaction...I have had allergic reactions a few times in my life to ingredients in chocolate or some meds. This was not as serious as the other times but still scary enough...It caused blood my pressure drop and rise, sweats, nausea, BM, headache, dizziness, heart palpitations, very shaky, difficulty breathing, and felt like I was going to faint...after 2 hours and blood pressure med, asthma med, aspirin, lots of water and a banana I felt better but as in the past it left me drained of all energy. I wish I knew what caused this...To avoid it happening in the future.. I do wonder if I am allergic to some ingredient in sugar free pudding -that would make for a problem after DS surgery! The last two times this happened it resulted in near death and a hospital stay so while frustrated I do consider myself lucky that it wasn't worse than or as bad as the other times. Last of all now have 10 weeks till surgery so much to do so little time to do things but yet so long to wait..very flustrating!    

More light on the subject 4/8/08

Apr 07, 2008

Met with the counselor again today...It is helpful to talk things out...She commended me on getting help prior to surgery. She said she feels I will be a great success after WLS as a result of seeking help prior. Sure hope so! 
Today we spent an hour and she pointed out that I need to find balance in my life...I tend to focus on ONE thing at a time in my life and let other things go...then I get stressed and eat...back to the not facing things head on not listening to my emotions but covering them up with food...I need to stop --see what my feeling is --and go to a plan to do something other than eat. Find balance in my life by not spending all my time on one area and neglecting the other areas of my life. NOW I just need to put it all into practice! 


Help is on the way March 31 08

Mar 31, 2008

Lately I have found myself so overwhelmed and confused by things I have read concerning WLS…Everyone seems to repeat the same thought….”if you don't find the cause of your weight gain….you are "doomed" to fail and regain after surgery”  ....THAT scares me to death...I know I have a compulsion to buy food and eat emotionally and out of head hunger....SO I know I must get help to understand the WHYS, ...I MUST find the triggers and get this under control prior to surgery I want to be successful. 
SO I took the first step and contacted the hospital where I have been attending the WLS nutrition support groups since June of 07 (True they are for RNY and lap band but I have still found them to be helpful and very supportive).  Along with the lead dietitian there has always been a sweet quiet councilor there....She never said much of anything but know I see that she is there IF needed. I feel comfortable with her so I called her to ask what she thought I should do who I should see...She said she would be happy to work with me...I was thrilled. 

I saw her today for our first one on one meeting...We talked 2 hours!! She was great and helped me see that I have some main triggers biggest one is I like to please others and when I fail—(as we can’t please everyone all the time) -I seek comfort food. She said I need to have a plan in place when I feel like eating, shopping etc stop think about WHAT brought on that feeling...WHY I want to eat or shop and then force myself to do something from my plan to redirect myself. 
I took lots of notes and she pointed out things that made a lot of sense to me. After the 2 hours both of us were getting up to leave and she said "lots of things in our childhood can trigger emotions later on in life...even a bad Kg teacher."...I laughed and said "Yes I had one of those too...Mrs. Baker"...She stopped dead at the door and shut it turned around and said did you go to school 88? I said yes...She asked my age and we found we were in the SAME KG class and 1st grade...We both sat back down and spent another 30 minutes sharing memories of things in both classrooms. Sadly they were NOT good memories for either of us...BUT we both agreed that these experiences MADE us the people we are today...I chose teaching so I could help other children have a better experience then I did in KG to be a teacher that would be safe loving and nurturing a positive experience for their first classroom. 
She chose counseling and therapy because she had been quiet in KG and the teacher picked on her because of it…she felt she wanted  to stand up for people who needed an advocate- a voice -comfort and someone to help them.  She said we can meet weekly as long as I feel I need to. SMALL world as my husband always says. 

We are precious in His sight March 28 08

Mar 27, 2008

Had a lovely dinner with Indy DSers last night. Looking back over the evening...I got to thinking ...yep I KNOW that is a dangerous thing for me to do....I had yet another epiphany!

Our weight and size does NOT define us as who we are..Surgery will not change the "Real" us. It will only change our clothing size. God and those who love us see and know the real us....

We must do the surgery for ourselves not for anyone else, but because we are worth it- worth the health, to feel better and deserve to live a better life. 

My Dad was a wonderful person...in his older years as a hobby and way to stay busy....he sold "stuff" at flea markets...My mom use to call it junk..but to my dad it was precious things that he had personally picked out to sale. He had a Sweat shirt he would wear that said "God doesn't make junk"....That is so true ----each of us is so precious to God, we are hand picked by Him to be his children..he loved us enough to provide a plan of salvation Jesus give his life for us...He didn't die for Junk...

We are each worth every effort to have a second chance at a healthier longer life though WLS.   




Another Epiphany! March 27 08

Mar 27, 2008

I've had another epiphany! My motto has always been you get out of things what you put into it..such as church, life, friendships you put effort into them you get wonderful returns back.
I just realized that the same is true with food....What you put into your body you get back....such as Junk=extra weight. Healthy food =healthy me....WOW and it only took half a century for me to realize that!!  
I attended the first of my St.V required support groups yesterday-I have already attended weekly meetings for 6 solid months when going for the RNY but switching hospitals and surgeries they want me to attend THEIR meetings...
It was a Large group mostly RNY with a couple of Lap bands thrown in. I was the only DS. However I was pleased that the leader gave some general info which was helpful...
From the book "Mindless Eating" a work page to list only 3 small changes to work on each day for 1 month to improve health...such as not taking seconds, or eating slower, exercising, drinking more water whatever 3 goals each person feels they can do every day for one month to improve their health...Small steps toward a lifelong health goal...I found it good info. 
Also met a fabulous lady Karen we talked a long time after the group and felt like old friends...
So guess that just proves again my motto...you get out of something what you put into it it. I forced myself go to the meeting and told myself I would benefit -I did -enjoy it -and came away with good info and a new friend! 


Surprise! March 21 08

Mar 24, 2008

No surprise that I have been jumping though the necessary hoops to please everyone in order to be rewarded with my DS surgery in July. I now have to attend additional nutrition class and support groups though St Vs even though I have been attending Nutrition and support groups 4 times a month though the other group since June of 2007 -when I was going to have RNY-Since NO one ever talks about DS needs I was no better or worse off to continue to attend the ones I was use to and had made friends in. 
On Friday I had to attend another Nutrition class at St Vs the gal which really didn't seem to even know much about RNY (from MY past knowledge she said several things I believe were in error to the RNY group!) 
Of course there is NEVER any info given for DS only RNY again no surprise there...She handed out a paper to everyone so they would "know" what their surgery would look like. She asked me what surgery I was having I said DS she said WHAT??? I said DS...She looked panicked so I said Duodenal Switch. She said...Oh...ok...hummmm...oh here it is..I didn't know what you meant when you said DS...I said that is because no one seems to talk about or  know anything about DS/duodenal Switch...I continued Sad that it is not offered or talked about unless a person asks for it themselves. She ignored me the rest of the class no surprised there either....
I was surprised, shocked and saddened by the LACK of info the people there had about their OWN RNY surgeries...WHY don't they research it for themselves and make an educated decision instead of letting some stranger TELL them what surgery they are having or need? I sure am not going to put myself, life and health in the hands of someone without doing my own research about it. 
Ok so after the class which was a waste of everyone’s time...There was a gal that said 2 of you have meetings with a nurse...I was getting ready to leave when she called MY name...VERY SURPRISED....I turned around and asked ME?? WHAT??? WHO???WHY??? 
BIG surprise I had no clue I was to have a meeting with anyone that day after the class...Good thing I was available! 
I was told the gal I was to meet with was running late and I needed to hang around for about an hour!! Another surprise...So I wondered around the hospital but never got to see the bariatric ward...The cafeteria food looked nasty and unhealthy to me! But they do have a yummy new eating place in the hospital that sells gelato-(a type of ice cream!) I looked at it the gal asked if I wanted some I said no I better stick with a salad..she said this is low cal fat free healthy as a salad...I don't know for sure if she was just making a sale or not but I tried some --pretty good! 
I returned in an hour and waited another 20 minutes then was taken in to meet the nurse...I asked her why I was meeting with her and why no one had told me. She said they had questions about my physic evaluation (see earlier post on that one)....They just wanted to talk to me about trauma in the past and that it may come up as a problem after surgery and weight loss as I may have used my weight as a cushion to protect myself...duh....we talked for an hour --though I am still NOT sure of the point of the meeting...I guess she was satisfied with my answers and let me go with a smile. 
No surprise I do have to attend the St Vs group meetings each week for the next few months and fax the proof of attendance to their office. Surprises never cease. 

Unlocking the mystery of ME

Mar 07, 2008

March 7 2008 
Been doing some serious deep soul searching trying to unlock the secret as to WHY I am fat and out of control I eat spend or clean sooo I must be broken therefore must be fixed...Ahhhh confused?? Here is what I am talking about:

Been reading ---(a dangerous thing sometimes!) I have read SEVERAL places that unless a person gets to the root of their obesity PRIOR to surgery they are doomed to repeat it and gain weight AFTER 2 years which is when the body wises up and readjusts itself after WLS and can then gain weight back...So behaviors and changes must be in place to continue to succeed in WLS after the honeymoon period is over.Lets be honest after all isn't that the fear ALL of us have...I wasn't successful in weight loss before so NOW I have to have WLS so will I be successful after WLS or fail there too? YEP a big fear we all have so find HOW to be successful and fast PRIOR to WLS!!   

Another article written by a weight loss counselor said people need to find the answers to our weight gain BEFORE surgery the whys and triggers etc that cause us to eat. Obese people often hid anger sadness frustration loneliness and being bored by eating for comfort. Instead we should confront our feelings and emotions not hid them with food. 
Find out what you are feeling when you eat and let the emotion come not the food…such as if sad cry, mad hit a pillow frustrated work it out....bored find something to do instead of using food to cover all the emotions...Sounds good to me!

So I know I must find within ME the mystery of WHAT I am feeling and WHY and DEAL with it…I must look within me to find the keys to unlock my mysteries so I have have WLS success-PRIOR to wls of course! Sounds like a good title for a book.

No one can give me the answers I have to find them on my own because it is different for each person…Deep huh…

So my soul search and quest for answers began. I have done a BUNCH of soul searching hours and hours and hours....cried...written emotions thoughts events down on paper dredged up every memory from as early as I could remember…and I came to a conclusion ..........I don’t have a clue why I am fat or out of control!!!!!!!

My family always said we were big bones...Maybe they were right after all! Because I sure can't figure anything else out as to why......I loved my mom and dad. love my husband and kids, happy with the job and life I have...sure I have had my sorrows and some hard times like everyone else in the world BUT I didn't think any of that made me MO!

I did learn one thing PRIOR to wls ...I did feel better with a good cry and I didn't over eat or over indulge this week even with my hubby away on business! Usually I give myself permission to treat myself with a Smart ones dessert when hubby is away for a whole week...I even bought mini Cadbury eggs ALL untouched this week STILL no desire to eat them..not feeling the need to comfort myself...so maybe I just need a good cry about nothing every once in a while!?! Hey whatever works I guess just so it is PRIOR to WLS!







Another Step Feb 27 2008

Feb 27, 2008

Just heard from Vicki the DS surgery has been set for July 9th Wed. 8:30 AM. I know I should be thrilled but instead I feel let down...I have held on for so long this has been such a long process...It was one year ago Jan2007 when I first started looking into WLS and June 2007 when it actually got going in the process. I was to have already had the RNY in Jan 2008 with Dr Mattar but stopped everything when I heard of DS in Dec 2007...SO now everyone I was in my groups with have already had their surgery and are moving forward. Dr Inman only does One DS per week as it is taxing on her...so I am waiting for July slightly over 4 MONTHS away...as the weight begins to creep back up...My 56 pound weight loss over last year is shrinking down to 52 pounds lost...I am SCARED how much it will be within 4 months....I wonder if this surgery will EVER take place...will I ever be "normal".  
I could have had a quick fix with Lap RNY in January but feel the DS is the right way for me..so I will HAVE to wait..
Patience’s has Never been one of my virtues so now I will have lots of time to work on it! 

Approved Feb 4 2008!

Feb 04, 2008

Just got off the phone with the insurance company BCBS FED and I am APPROVED for the DS surgery!! I am crying…maybe this REALLY is going to happen!! Maybe I really will be “normal”!

Past month was a bad for me!…I was at a restaurant and a man in the table  next to us was staring at me- sure made me uncomfortable I got up to go to the restroom and he LEANED WAY over in his seat like I was too big to go by without touching him!! I was stunned.

THEN I went to Kohl’s and wanted to look at a necklace and the sales gal told me it would be too small to fit MY neck! Took all the joy out of even trying it on THOUGH IT DID FIT!!

Last an acquaintance at church told me she wanted me to read a book about Thyroid problems because I should be able to LOSE more weight by myself and must have a medical problem to be this large! I was most hurt by that than any of the other situations…I told her yes it is a medical problem which I am seeking help for!

NOW I feel maybe I CAN be normal at some point! 
The insurance approval is one step closer in the past 17 month journey of trying to lose weight and be healthier. 
Tears of joy as the reality sets in!

My Rosy Colored Glasses are broken Jan 30 2008

Jan 29, 2008

I guess at some point reality must set in...We can only fool ourselves for so long. I have worn blinders most of my life...and not seen the world as others do. I have had MORE than a few people tell me I wear rosy colored glasses...the first time I heard the term I didn't even know what it meant. The second time I said I would rather see the good in the world than the bad. The next few times I just laughed.
Now I think I have always just fooled myself to see what I want and not what really is. 
Sep 2006 I was walking down the aisle of Wal-Mart after work grabbing supper for home. A young boy of about 5 began yelling from the opposite end of the aisle mommy mommy look at the big fat woman...the more his mom ignored him the louder he got. I finally looked round to see the big fat woman he was yelling about and found I was the only person in the aisle...I was horrified. 
The child continued to yell in increasing volume and pitch..I gave him the death ray stare and thought of going to his mom and pointing out her rude child. But I was at that point too humiliated and all I wanted to do was get out of the store. The only thing that stopped the child’s yelling was when I was NOT in his view. When I again turned the corner he was there with his yells again...and this time lots of people were looking. 
I guess that brat of a child may have saved my life. as I began to diet and vowed to change my life.
Over the years I have had a stranger at a salad bar tell me that "salad dressing is what makes you fat". I was a lot smaller then than I am now! I have had teenagers point and laugh at me...my own 3 year old Grand-daughter ask me why I was so big she couldn't put her arms around me. To that I could only answer there is more of me to love you but inside I was crying. 
I began a diet that took me from September 2006 until December 2007 to lose 56 pounds and 3 clothing sizes I went from 303 pounds to 246-250 pounds. 
I was feeling pretty good about myself and the weight loss but of course looking forward to and planning WLS.  In the past month I have had a man at a restaurant stare at me and when I walked by him to go to the restroom he leaned WAY over in his seat as if I was too big to walk down the aisle and would touch him. I was crushed. But caulked it up to ignorance of some people. 
I looked at a necklace at a store and the sales clerk told me that it would NOT fit me!...I said I would still like to look at it if you don't mind! I was horrified that she would look at my weight and decided I was not worthy of trying on a piece of jewelry! It fit but the joy was gone by her rudeness.  Again I could overlook a stranger’s ignorance. 
A Hispanic couple stared at me and began laughing and rapidly speaking looking at me over their shoulders and enjoying their private jokes (not paranoid again I was the ONLY one in the aisle with them)
But today came the most crushing blow..an acquaintance not a friend but just an acquaintance from church told me I should get my Thyroid checked out that I should be able to lose more weight than I have and I must have a medical problem if I can't lose more. I said I do have a medical problem and am getting help...I then told her I was seeking WLS she of course said that was unnecessary I should be able to do it on my own. I was perhaps more hurt by her comments than those of other strangers. Especially in view of the fact that I have tried so hard and been killing myself over the past 16 months to lose 56 pounds. I see myself as looking better and not as huge. To others my weight is too large to be natural or acceptable. Reality is a painful process to see ourselves as others do.  


About Me
Indianapolis, IN
Surgery Date
Jan 02, 2008
Member Since

Friends 37

Latest Blog 54
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