STILL trying to get a grip

Jan 14, 2009

Carbs.
As soon as I started eating carbs, I was done. It would have been easier just to hire a firing squad and just get it over with.

I'm still stalled and I know it's because I've been eating too much. I started back exercising and went on 2 hikes this week and will probably go on a 3rd tomorrow if I don't go to the market.

I cant help thinking that Im back to the same old pattern again and even though Im aware of what Im doing to myself, I just cant seem to stop...and this is scaring me.

I know some of the eating has to do with how I feel about Eric and Robbie. I'm eating my frustration over both of them and I'm ruining myself in the whole process. The better I look, the more nervous both of them behave and it's not amusing anymore. I keep trying to figure out if I should run to 1 of them or run away from both. In my head I think it would be better to just really try to be by myself and work ON myself but the other part of me is an attention whore and I hate to be alone. Whew! Blogging makes me feel better- I should do this more often!

A Cold.
I've had a cold for closed to a fucking month and I was so warn out that I couldn't keep my eyes open half the time. I just had 3 days off (took a personal day and had my usual Mon/Tues off) and I feel so much better. I needed to get out and play and also just sit and be. If I would have done this 2 weeks ago, I would have recovered WAY faster- I'm sure.

Trying.
I've put it in the hands of the Universe but I don't think it wants to take charge of my failures so now I have to face up to them and you know what- it sucks. I wanted this surgery more than anything and now I'm fucking things up over bread and sugar. An occasional treat is fine, but I can't seem to stop at one...I get it, I really do and I don't like the way I am sometimes.

I let food and emotion become one and until I can seperate the 2, I'm going to be in a sorry state.

 July 2008                                                                         December 2008

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