May 02, 2009
I have been in Anxiety Attack mode for the past 2 days. I can't seem to shake it. Out of no where, I start to cry.
I know what it is: I'm lonely as all fuck and I just want to GET OUTTA HERE. Far, far away from everything. I feel unloved, unwanted and like a deflated balloon. Believe me, I'm thankful for my surgery but I just want to look better. Better than this.
AM I going to live my life completely alone forever? Came into the world alone was sold to the highest bidder and now I'll die alone too? What kind of life is this when you constantly dream about being somewhere else or SOMEONE else?
I want to feed myself to calm my loneliness. I look forward to the 1 junky meal I eat per week (on Sunday I have a Hamburger Happy Meal) like it's going to save my life. It's pathetic that my Happy Meal is the highlight of my week.
What the HELL is wrong with me? My heart hurts. I'm jealous of everything and everyone. Why am I NEVER happy? WHy do I need meds to feel normal? Why do I live my life with regret EVERY FUCKING DAY?
Why do I fall in love with idiots? Why do I form crushes on people who could never feel the same way about me? Why do I get encouraged and then discouraged so quickly?
Depression is killing me. I can't stand myself anymore