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"YOUR RENT'S DUE MUTHAFU+*&!"....NAME THAT MOVIE?

OK, ITS THE FIRST OF THE MONTH SO I THOUGHT I WOULD ADD THAT AS A EARLY PAGE HELLO. IT IS 1125PM AND I HAVE HAD A WHIRLWIND OF A DAY. SO EVERYONE KNOWS THAT I HAVE CHOSEN DR. NESTOER DE LA CRUZ MUNOZ FROM MIAMI B/C OF A FRIEND'S REFERRAL AND THERE BEING NO ONE HERE IN FORT MYERS TO HELP ME. SO I GET UP THIS AM, FINALLY GET TO WEAR CUTE NON WORK CLOTHES, GOT SOMEWHERE ELSE TO GO....DRIVE THE 151 MILES TO THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE FOR MY 1030AM APPT.  GET THERE AT ABOUT 1020AM. GUESS WHAT. I DID NOT SEE A NURSE UNTIL 1230PM. YEAH. SO GOTTA GET MY BLOODWORK DONE AND MY UPPER GI TEST (XRAYS OF THE DIGESTIVE TRACT ETC.) SO LETS TALK ABOUT THE DOWNS OF BEING A BIG GIRL. NURSE BETTY, COULD NOT FIND A VEIN INITIALLY IN MY ARM. SO AFTER TELLING NURSE BETTY THAT NO ONE CAN EVER FIND VEINS IN MY ARM, TRY MY HAND, HE CONTINUED TO PROBE AND TIE THAT DAMN RUBBER THING AROUND MY ARMS CUTTING OFF ALL MY DAMN CIRCULATION ANYWAY  OVER AND OVER, AND POKING AND POKING. SO THIS GENIOUS DOESNT LISTEN, STICKS THE DAMN NEEDLE IN MY LEFT ARM ANYWAY. MOVING THE DAMN NEEDLE AROUND AND AROUND LIKE IM A DAMN STUFFED ANIMAL; NOT A HUMAN WHO CAN SEE AND FEEL THIS SHIT. SO FINALLY HE REALIZES, YES HE, REALIZES THERE IS NO WAY, HE TAKES OUT THE NEEDLE AND PUTS A BANDAID ON IT. LIKE THAT'S GOING TO STOP THE NEW JACK CITY TRACK MARKS I NOW HAVE ON MY ARM--SHORT SLEEVE SHIRTS ARE ON HOLD FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK---SO HE GOES TO POKING AT MY HANDS WITH HIS FINGERS. TIGHTENS HIS GLOVES, APPLIES MORE ALCOHOL PADS, RUB RUB RUB, THEN HE PUTS ON HIS GLASSES. IM THINKING TO MYSELF, OK. MY DEGREE'S IN CRIMINAL JUSTICE. IM NOT A DOCTOR, HELL, NOT EVEN CLOSE--BUT I GREW UP ON DOOGIE HOWSER AND I KNOW THAT BY PUTTING YOUR FRICKING GLASSES, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO "FEEL" LET ALONE SEE ANYMORE VEINS THAN WHATS ALREADY THERE. SO HE PUTS THE NEEDLE IN MY RIGHT HAND. MOVING IT AROUND AND AROUND, POKE POKE, FINALLY FINDS THE DAMN VEIN, EITHER THAT OR MY FIST WAS SQUEEZED SO DAMN TIGHT B/C I WANTED TO PUNCH HIM, THAT BLOOD JUST CAME GUSHING FROM NOWHERE. ANYWAY, SO THERE WE ARE WITH THAT 2 VIALS OF BLOOD. THEN HE TELLS ME "THIS IS NOT GOOD." IM LOOKING AT HIM LIKE NO SHIT YOU FUCKING BASTARD, IM FAT. THATS WHY YOU COULDNT FIND THE SHITS, BUT I TOLD YOU TO USE MY FRICKING HAND IN THE FIRST PLACE. DONT YOU GO TELLING ME WHAT IS "NOT GOOD." SO AFTER SECURITY LEFT..........I WAS CALM. OK, NO REALLY, NO SECURITY, BUT HEY HEY, WHEN YOU NEED A LETTER SENT TO YOUR INSURANCE COMPANY, ITS AMAZING WHAT YOU WILL PUT UP WITH....OKAY!

SO MOVING ON TO THE UPPER GI TEST: YOU LAY ON A TABLE. LIKE AN AUTOPSY TABLE, LADIES--IF YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR BRA ON, DON'T WEAR A WIRE. SIDENOTE: IF YOU ARE HAVING THE SURGERY, CHANCES ARE YOU NEED A WIRE, SO MAYBE NOT. GOTTA SUPPORT THE GIRLS, ANYWAY, SO I HAD TO TAKE OFF MY SHIRT AND BRA, BUT I SWEAT LIKE WHITNEY HOUSTON AFTER BODYGUARD, SO I ALWAYS WEAR A CAMI UNDERNEATH EVERYTHING. HE LET ME KEEP ON THE CAMI AND I BEGAN THE DRINKING OF THE BARIUM CITRATE MAGNESIUM BULLSHIT BLAH BLAH FROM THE BOTTLE. ITS NOT THAT BAD AT FIRST. BUT YOU HAVE TO BE DRINKING AND SWALLOWING WITH EVERY FRAME OF XRAY HE TAKES, SO ITS ONLY AFTER THE FIRST OR LAST SWALLOW, THAT YOU REALIZE ITS SOME NASTY SHIT, WHICH ONLY PISSES YOU OFF MORE FOR THE NEXT SWALLOW---LIKE SEX,......HEY-ANOTHER TOPIC, ANOTHER TIME-----ANYWAY, SO ITS LIKE 12 OUNCES, HE'S IN THE "XRAY ROOM" SAYING "SWALLOW.....XRAY....SWALLOW....XRAY...." YOU GET IT. SO IM LAYING THERE ON MY STOMACH DRINKING THIS SHIT FEELING LIKE A BEACHED WHALE B/C MY TIGOBIDDIES ARE SMASHED INTO THE METAL TABLE, WONDERING, "WHY ARE YOU BEHIND A CLOSED DOOR AND IM OUT HERE. IS THIS SAFE?"
SO THATS NOT THAT BAD, THEY TAKE XRAYS OF YOU ON YOUR STOMACH, THEN IN THIS WEIRD POSITION ON YOUR SIDE, AND THEN MORE ON YOUR BACK, THEN BACK ON YOUR SIDE. I FELT LIKE I WAS ON AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL ALL THE DAMN POSES AND STUFF. THEN HIM COMING BACK OUT CRITIQUING ME ON  HOW I SHOULD BE POSED,LOL. ANYWAY. EVENTFUL.

THEN I MEET WITH THE DOCTOR. THE BOSS LADY. THE HEAD HEFFE. THE LADY THAT IS GOING TO WRITE THE LETTER TO BCBS THAT IS GOING TO CHANGE MY LIFE FOREVER. SHE IS HISPANIC AND FLYY AS HELL. SHE TELLS ME, " jU ARE TOO PRETTY, JU WILL GET THE SUR-GE-RY AND JU WILL BE FIERCE!" "JU WILL BE SO MUCH HAPPY." " JUR HUSBAND WILL BE CHASING U EVERYWHERE!" IM LIKE, HEY, WHATEVER YOU SAY J-LO. WRITE THE LETTER!!! THEN SHE LETS IN ON THE REALITIES THAT I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, I AM EXTREMELY OBESE. I NEED TO JOIN A GYM. AND I AM TOO YOUNG TO BE LIKE THIS AND I MUST BE HEALTHY FOR A BETTER LIFE.  AND THAT ONCE I LOOSE THE WEIGHT AND MAINTAIN A HEALTHIER LIFESTYLE, I WILL BE HAPPIER AND WILL NOT NEED BLOODPRESSURE MEDICINE OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. SHE STATED THAT I NEED TO MAINTAIN MY DIET AND I MUST EXERCISE. ON AND ON, DOCTOR STUFF. I FELT GOOD HEARING HER CONCERNS AND HER EXPRESS THEM TO ME B/C HONESTLY, SHE DIDNT HAVE TO. SHE HAD ME GOING ON "JU WILL BE SO MUCH HAPPY."...I WILL HAVE TO GO BACK TO SEE HER 2 WEEKS BEFORE THE SURGERY.  SHE'S AWESOME. DR. TERESA ALFONSO.

SO I GOT OUT OF THERE AT 145PM. FOR SOMETHING THAT TECHNICALLY TAKES ABOUT 30 MINUTES. RIGHT. BUT CAN'T COMPLAIN, HEY DO IT ALL IN HOUSE. IF YOU CHOOSE DR. DE LA CRUZ, GO TO HIS PEOPLE. THEY KNOW WHATS BEST!

SO THEN I DRIVE 5 MORE MILES TO THE LEFT TO THE NUTRITIONIST OFFICE. THE WAITING AREA WAS SO COZY. I WAS SO TIRED, I TOOK A CAT NAP B/C I WAS 30 MINS EARLY. IT WAS GREAT. SO SHE DONT TAKE BCBS, SO I HAD TO FORK OVER $155 FOR THAT---FIRST. BEFORE WE TALKED ABOUT ANYTHING, HOMEGIRL MADE SURE SHE WAS PAID. I LOVE MIAMI. ANYWAY, $155 FOR HER TO TELL ME TO BUY PROTEIN SHAKES, DONT DRINK ALCOHOL, EAT CAKE, EXERCISE, AND COME BACK AND SEE HER (FOR AN ADDITIONLA $45) 2 WEEKS AFTER THE SURGERY. GAVE ME MY PRINTED OFF MATERIALS, AKA HER SCRIPT, AND SENT ME ON MY WAY.

***NOTE TO SELF, BECOME A NUTRITIONIST. IVE DONE ALOT OF THINGS, BUT I HAVE NEVER MADE $155 IN ONE HOUR......LEGALLY. OKAY. WELL. ITS LATE. GOING TO BED. PRAY FOR ME Y'ALL.

I HAVE TO SEE THE PSYCHOLOGIST ON 10/7. $350 FOR THEM TO TELL ME THAT I THINK I AM FAT. WHATEVER. i NEED THIS SURGERY. IM JUMPING THROUGH THE HOOPS, I NEED MY LIFE BACK--BETTER---NEW AND IMPROVED. ILL KEEP YOU POSTED!!!

HOLLABACK.

One more thing i want to say tonight:
AS I AM SITTING HERE JAMMING OUT TO BEYONCE I WANT TO ADD 2 THINGS THAT I CAN'T WAIT TO BE ABLE TO DO.

1. I WENT TO MY FIRST AND ONLY CONCERT IN 2005 TO SEE BEYONCE IN FORT LAUDERDALE. I COULD NOT FIT IN THE SEAT AT THE OFFICE DEPOT CENTER. I SAT ON TOP BETWEEN THE ARMS OF THE CHAIR WITH THE FOLDED CHAIR PART UP MY BUTT WHICH HURT THE ENTIRE 4 HOURS I WAS THERE. ANYWAY, PISSED, AND THE PEOPLE  BEHIND ME KEPT ASKING ME TO SIT DOWN.  WHICH LEADS ME TO THIS: I WANT TO BE ABLE TO GO TO ALL BEYONCE/DESTINY'S CHILD CONCERTS IN THE SOUTHEASTERN STATES THAT I CHOOSE. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THEM!!!!!! MORESO BEYONCE!!!!! WITH THAT SAID, I WANT TO ONE DAY FIND AND TAKE MY HUSBAND TO ONE OF THOSE MTV UNPLUGGED TYPE CONCERTS. THE INTIMATE ONCE WITH ABOUT 100 OR SO PEOPLE THERE. WE SAW JAYZ performTHE AMERICAN GANGSTER SNDTK ON VH1 SOUL AND KANYE'S CONCERT, WANT TO DO THAT FOR HIM AND FOR US.

2. I AM A MEMBER OF DELTA SIGMA THETA SORORITY, INC. WHAT GOOD AM I TO MY COMMUNITY IF MY PHYSICAL AND MENTAL HEALTH IS DAMAGED? I WANT TO ENJOY CLUB DELTA. CONVENTIONS, CONFERENCES, AND MORE IMPORTANLY: STROLL WITH THE COLLEGIATES!!!! I HAVE FAMILY MEMBERS THAT ARE YOUNG DELTA'S AND THEY ARE SOOO ACTIVE, I WANT TO BE THAT AUNT/COUSIN/SISTER.....OK. THANK YOU FOR READING.

SO. I have blue cross blue shield. the one thing Ive learned is that it doesnt matter who your ins is through, but the carrier/your employer. Currently the state of florida carries bariatric surgery coverage. So I'm hoping the hoop to jump through isnt that small. Not sure if ive talked about this before, but i've been going to the same pcp for 11 years and he never said anything to me about my weight, no matter what i said to him, no matter what the scale said everytime i saw him. Im really hoping ins doesnt come back to me with some " we need 6 months of doctor supervised diet crap." He's been supervising my ass for 11 years and hasnt changed anything. Then he retired last week! Love it! So I have my meeting with the nutritionist on 10/1/2008 in Miami (I live 150 miles away) But no one is really doing  bariatrics here in fort myers and i have no time to be nobody's lab rat. So anyway, also have my psych eval on 10/7/2008. Great. SO this is what is the biggest shocker: Whether your insurance covers or not, these people want their money upfront. You fight with your insurance company on your own time. With that said, I have to pay $155 for the nutritionist visit. I have to pay $350 for the psych eval! If and when the insurance does cover it, i will be reimbursed. However, I called bcbs and they told me that they only cover thei first $150 of expenses leading up to the surgery. Ha! Then tell me that all this information is not in the insurance booklet you received with your cards, but will have to be sent to me. The told me when its a surgery that requires medical board approval, its a separate process! So there you have it. I have told my boss at work. No one else. Partially b/c my job requires me to be totally involved with work, always on a time frame, requires many reports, court appearances, etc. Basically I have people's lives in my hands. With that said, They will have to prepare to take on my workload while i'm not at work. So im really hoping my surgery date of 11/17/2008 doesnt change.

Couple other things im looking forward to: My 10 year class reunion is in a few months. I havent seen or talked to anyone since graduation.  My aunt is getting married in August 2009 in Aruba, I'd also like to renew my vows while im there. I want to be able to fly coach by choice, not first class by force. I want to be able to ride a bike comfortably all across this town. I want to be able to do the acrobatic things i used to do with my husband (use your imagination for that one). I want to go to amusement parks, travel overseas again comfortably. The 13 hour flight to amsterdam and italy suck at 360lbs! More importatntly; I WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN. I cannot carry a child comfortably, healthy, and safe in this body. I want to be able to raise my children. Be around for their children. This surgery means more to me than my life. It is my life on the line. Literally. I will be successful. I wonder if insurance companies know how they hold the life of someone in their notebooks. .....

1. Having people call me “big mama.”  (also: Mami Sota, Big Boned, thick widdit, pleasantly plump...)
2. Seeing the looks on the people’s faces that I knew from high school. (10 year reunion in 8 months....)
3. Having family tell me I’ve gained a lot of weight. (Hello family from Gary, Indiana)
4. Taking pictures from the head up, only. 
5. Having bras cut into my sides. 
6. My feet and ankles hurting when I stand up. 
7. Legs hurting when I walk or try to climb stairs 
8. Being out of breath from walking. 
9. My back killing me during the day. 
10.Waking up in the middle of the night from back pain. 
11.Feeling exhausted all the time. 
12.Always being sleepy. 
13.Not finding any cheap stylish clothes my size. (cannot wait to end the monopoly Lane Bryant has on my wallet!)
14.Having clothes from when I was smaller that I just don’t want to throw out. 
15.Not fitting my favorite top. 
16.Getting evil looks from the person next to me on the plane or bus. (Saying goodbye to only flying first class!)
17.Feeling self conscious about how I look. 
18.Not being able to cross my legs. (I don't remember ever being able to do this) 
19.My fingers and toes being swollen. 
20.Having to spend more money than thinner people on my clothes 
21.Having men avoid eye contact with me. 
22.Not being able to give myself a pedicure comfortably. 
23.Having to do the fat people shoe tie. (u know, tie your shoes from the side.) ---Adding, having someone help me buckle the ankle strap pumps!
24.My shoes being too tight on my feet. (no issues with that, but will be saying goodbye to Cloudwalkers and $150 loafers)
25.Having to wear flats instead of high heals. 
26.Feeling like I need a fork lift to get out of the bathtub (Can't remember the last time i sat down in the tub, i wont attempt suicide again.) 
27.Having people at a pool stare at me. (What pool?-havent been in the pool in over a year)
28.Being treated like I can't do anything athletic by small people. 
29.People saying “you’re so soft, I just want to hug you.” (THANKS MOM, THIS IS YOUR FAVORITE--she calls me "fluffy"
30.Not being able to see my feet. 
31.Looking at pictures and not recognizing myself. 
32.Having people say "you’re pretty for a big girl." ( which sucks b/c i'm going to be pretty for a non fat girl too, )
33.Using the big girls stall in the bathroom (aka handicap stall) (AND YOU KNOW IT!)
34.Having my breasts be a net for my food. 
35.Having the bath water only cover half of my body. 
36.Avoiding all cameras 
37.Dreading my jeans in the drier, because you know it's going to be smaller when it comes out. ( I HAVE BEEN DRY CLEANING JEANS SINCE 1999)
38.Taking blood pressure medicine. (LUCKILY NOT HERE AND HOPEFULLY WONT GET THERE)
39.Distant family members thinking its ok to comment on my weight gain. (AGAIN. SHOUT OUT TO MY FOLKS IN GARY, INDIANA)
40. Buying Big Beach Towels and using them as a regular towel. (BED BATH AND BEYOND CALLS THEM 'BATH SHEETS' AND THEY ARE ABOUT $30 A PIECE FOR 1 DAMN TOWEL)
41. Always wearing my business shirts untucked. I look like a fool with them tucked in.  (HAVENT TUCKED SINCE HIGH SCHOOL)

i'm 27, happily married, non smoker, occassional drinker, state employee, African AMerican Female with no children....and I'm a Big Girl!

So I know about 4 people who got the surgery done, including Star Jones. But no one gave me a name of a surgeon, NOt even Star. So one day, i'm at work and my new found friend, Adria, gave me a name and a phone number. I called and the rest is new history. Why is it that a coworker of mine who had it done 6 years ago, talks to me everyday, etc. never gave me a name? Hmmmm, maybe she didnt want to share in the joy of her new found size 8 whereas she used to be a size 32. Whatever......

So I've been "thick" all my life. Pretty much. I began to notice when we moved to florida 1/17/1997, and all my friends were white. Im from detroit, and believe it or not, all my friends were black. Our standards are different in the AA community. In most cases, the AA man's aesthetic is different and what he finds attractive is different. So, while i was in detroit, never heard of an eating disorder, diet , low self esteem, none of that. WE were all just equally fabulous. My friends were a size 4 to a size 14. we were all normal, if that's a good word. 

 I noticed that white girls in high school, in general in florida, are very self conscious of their appearance. especially in high school. so that's when i noticed i was different. I mean dont get me wrong, I have always been fly and always on the fashionista beaten path, but still big all the same. It really didnt affect me and really slap me in the face, until 2 things happened. 1. I went to college in Atlanta with the "Beautiful People." and 2. I went to Busch Gardens, and had to be switched to the 'fat' seat b/c the seat belt wouldnt fit me. Now all of that happened about 50 lbs ago. But it happened none the same.

9/17 i went to the seminar with Dr. De la Cruz and staff. It was awesome. Will say this, and big girls, you can understand, Seeing the food there and dessert was kinda creepy. Now I'm not saying we are strangers of food, but we are creatures of habit. I felt uncomfortable eating at a  weight loss seminar. But i justified it b/c there was cheese, fruit, diet soda, water, and im assumming sugar free dessert. BUt i didnt eat the dessert. Seminar, very VERY informative!!

9/18 appointment with Dr. De La cruz's office, great. WEighed in at a record breaking 366 lbs! Heaviest I have ever been in my life. Great. And I hadnt even eaten that day. Surgery date set for 11/17/2008 (slight guarantee to change). Pissed at my pcp WHO SEEmed to ignore the fact that i was fat and getting fatter. Never said anything. Useless. He retired last week, THANK GOD. So it is the downfall and disappointment of having to see a pcp all over again so they can tell me for 6 months that im fat...i hope not. im hoping 11/17 is the day!

... Had a long talk with my hubby at ihop, didnt go well...Later last night, he apologized after he had 3 hours to think on the long ride back home. We are cool now.

Made attempted appt to see psychologist, called the office, they were with client, waiting on them to call me back.