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soooooo.....today. Didnt got to work. One thing other than surgery approval that makes my job great is that I accrue so much vacation. It is a blessing that I do not have to rush recovery. I have vacation and sick days out the wazoo! But dont ever get it twisted, I earned every one of them! I was saving them up for maternity leave, but God's plan slightly changed. I didnt get preggers! But by the time that happens, at least 12 months from now, i would have saved up more time, no worries...

Ok, so my optifast liquid diet starts on monday. I went to miami today to pick up the 108 shakes. I will only be drinking 105 b/c i will be on the diet for 3 weeks before surgery to shrink my liver, and i was told today i have to lose 5% of my weight by the day before surgery or it will be cancelled. That is the surgeon's policy for all his bariatric patients. OK, i am truly Pat's daughter, 'cause i'm thinking to myself, "yeah right!" cancelled my ass. I am not a charity surgery! My insurance is paying for this shit. You will do the damn surgery if only lose 17lbs! Damnit!! ok. So no worries. The ladies at Dr. Delacruz's office are so nice and funny. they are like: Its gonna be hard the first few days, Don't cheat! i'm like ok cool. No cheating. I'll let yall know how that will go starting on monday.

My second period of the month finally stopped. I told yall how they had me stop taking bc pills in the middle of my damn pack, they couldve told me that crap before i started right? so anyway, an extra week of the crimson rollercoaster. Done with that shyt. HOpe it doesnt start before, during, or shortly after surgery. Actually, if i dont see it for a couple months, i'll be cool with that. Who needs cramps and pain from surgery at the same time? They told me i will be in the hospital on wednesday and at home by thursday night! Some books im reading:

Wls for dummies--my bible!
Before & After: Living & Eating Well After Weight Loss Surgery By Susan Maria Leach--good book, with great recipes, her story is cute, not really realistic to the middle class americans, reading between the lines, seems like she is a food addict. I dont know. but its good information, tips like what to take to hospital, EXCELLENT recipes for mealtimes and feeding your family and yourself. I give it a 7 out of 10.

reading something else, but havent really gotten into it yet so i cant review. well love you guys. thanks for the support.

hollaback!

For my husband:

So Ashad, you told me the other day that the only time you know whats going on in my head about the wls thing is when you read it on here. Last night at red lobster you wanted me to write down all the things I want to do and expect from this surgery and we will start to check off the list......Well i am going to list them here, give you something to do while you're sitting at your desk at work......

First thing i want to do is to continue to Love You. Better. Longer. Stronger. Higher. And Fly--er----(thanks Jill). You are my heart and my real True Love. You are my baby's daddy even though we dont have any kids. You are my It. Under God and his son Jesus...You are the Greatest. right next to my Momma! I love you man.Ok...

2. I want to have another wedding. I want to be a thin bride. I know our wedding was beautiful, whatever. I felt like a christmas tree. All dressed up in sequins and shiny crap and mounds of fabric. I dont want to do that the next time. I want to be a thinner bride... a nice size 12/14 will do!

3. I want to go back to Busch Gardens. Havent been back there since 2003 when i had to be moved to the fat seat b/c the guard rail wouldnt fit over me on the roller coaster.

4. I want to go back to Disney/Universal Studios, we went 30lbs ago, and that was ok, but it wasnt as fun as it couldve been.

5. I want to go back to iTALY. last year i was miserable. I was fat. I was tired and sweatty all the damn time and I couldnt enjoy our trip. Not one bit was I happy, till we got back to atlanta and even then. So we will do Italy again, and i will make it the best damn time we've ever had....and Amersterdam too,

6. Which brings me to this: We will add plenty more stamps to our passport, I promise**.

7. I want to shop at Oldnavy and Lerner/NY and Co. and Ross. I want to undoubtedly shut Ross down!!! (add) I want to be able to buy underwear from Target.

8. When the lease is up on my truck....well nevermind, we'll probably have babies by then, so...nevermind. I'm going to keep the truck. I'm tall. Shut up....ok, I may get a smaller car, but I doubt it will be that much smaller.....we will work on this one.

9. I will start modeling again...I will finally enter the Ashley Stewart competition.

10. We will go to California and Hawaii no later than 2010.

11. I will start to go racing with you on the weekends.

12. We will get matching motorcycles by our anniversary 2010. I promise! Let's buy them on our anniversary! Keep in mind, you cannot put  a car seat on the back of a motorcycle......

Quick thought: People of OH. Answer this for me. this question is mostly posed to the post ops of the world: is there not anyone else around you to take pictures? HOw many closeups of your bathroom, or mirror flash does one have to see? honestly? how desperate are we and drenched with vanity that we can't wait until our friend comes over, neighbor wakes up, or momma brings by a casserole? So hear this: if you get or ever see one picture of my post op fabulous ass, and you see my camera as well, please talk about me.....I will be talking about you. Love you Peeps!!!!

sidenote: MOST DIGITAL CAMERAS HAVE A SELF TIMER ON IT. I JUST BOUGHT ONE A FEW MONTHS AGO, BUT THE ONE I HAD IN 2001...THE NEW HOT 3MP ONE? YEA, HAD A TIMER ON IT. HELL, THE 35mm I had in high school had a timer. Im sure your camera has a timer....USE IT PEOPLE!! HOLLABACK.

ok. so i am not making excuses for my black women who shy away from exercise but i do have this to say:

I actually enjoy to exercise. I really do. But this, although slightly sad, is an excuse as to why i didnt do it often. MY HAIR. ok. black people, women especially. We cannot and must not wash our hair everday. it would break off and fall out beyond belief. So what exactly is the solution to working out? I can tell you i dont know it. Even now, i sweat like whitney houston at a crackhouse with paparazzi outside! I just went for a walk with my dog. i would say i walked 1/2 to 3/4 a mile. not far right, but in florida, in 99 degree weather, its like running a marathon. I am drenched. Sad to say i just got my hair done 2 days ago. Guess what, im going to either have to go back, or wash and flat iron myself.  that takes time and it never comes out looking the way it does when maria does it. honestly. now i see plenty of my sistah on here with all kinds of weaves and hairpieces and thangs, but i live in fort myers. they only know how to do amazing creations. No one with a real job has blonde and pink and purple weaves and pieces. Fingerwaves and such. I cant go to meetings looking like that. So what are my options. The lady that does my hair is puertorican. needless to say, she dont know how to do career weaves or pieces or anything, but what i get. An AMAZING HAIR CUT. and a flat iron. everyone is like: Get a wig. Again, Fort Myers. Demographic: 5% black. The asian shops that carry wigs are all synthetic, and look like a throwback from dreamgirls. Not an option. Does anyone have any workout hair suggestions? B/c as i sit here looking like Splinter from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (the rat for those of u not born in the 80's), i need an option b/c i cannot do my hair everyday!

I JUST WENT TO BARNES AND NOBLE'S. WHO DO I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH TO GET A DECENT BOOK ON THE SUBJECT? HONESTLY? I FELT SO HOT AND OVERWHELMED. SITTING THERE SWEATING IN THE DIETS/EXERCISE SECTION. SO I ASK "PHILLIP" TO HELP ME. PHILLIP WALKS ME BACK ACROSS THE STORE TO THE COMPUTER AND GOES " HOW DO YOU SPELL BARIATRIC SURGERY." SO I LOOK AT HIM LIKE HE HAS 4 HEADS. THEN I SAY "B-A-R....." THINKING TO MYSELF, WHY DONT YOU SOUND IT OUT? PHONICS! DUH. SO THIS IS ONLY B/C IM HOT AND SWEATING OUT MY HAIR, THEN DO YOU KNOW HE SENDS ME TO THE MEDICAL REFERENCE SECTION. PISSED OFF IS AN UDERSTATEMENT. SO AFTER I TOY THROUGH 'ANATOMY AND PHYSIOLOGY FOR DUMMIES," WOMEN'S HEALTH, PROSTATE CANCERS, DERMATOLOGY..." IM LIKE, HELL, IM IN THE WRONG SECTION FOOL. I GO TO THE LITTLE COMPUTER AND TYPE IT IN MYSELF. 12 BOOKS LATER, ONLY 3 OF THEM ARE IN STOCK. CANT FIND BUT ONE OF THEM. THE DIET AND EXERCISE SECION AT B/N IS SET UP TO MAKE YOU ANGRY. NOTHING IS IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER, U THINK YOU FOUND AUTHOR A, B/C HERE COMES AUTHOR B. NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOURE IN THE 'AUTHOR S' SECTION. SO I WAS DONE. I FOUND WLS FOR DUMMIES. $19.99 BOUGHT IT, ALONG WITH ERIC JEROME DICKEY'S SLEEPING WITH STRANGERS, AND LEFT. HERE IS MY ADVICE TO YOU IF YOU WANT TO READ ABOUT IT: ORDER IT ONLINE OR ON EBAY. DONT WASTE YOUR TIME AT B/N.

Not much to say today. Just washed my hair. Want to talk about other websites that kinda annoy me. Facebook. Ok for once,lets break the monotonous weight loss talk for a moment. Facebook appears to be a walking party. Everyone has pictures on there of them doing something. Why does everyone's life have to look so fun, when u know its really not. So i recently joined facebook b/c all my friends are on there from college. But its still annoying. Its too much going on. Does anyone really care "what youre doing right now?" honestly. Ok, Im bitchy. Also myspace, its more subtle. I can leave a message for friend a, without friend b knowing about it, or getting an email saying i left a message for friend a. like who cares? anyway, my husband. came home last night fromwork, he is such a workaholic. I mean i am too, but jeez, you would think we had 8 kids to support....i havent had a decent conversation with him and i havent seen him since...friday. that's so sad. but true. He is always at work. i guess i cant complain, he could be unemployed, or broke. Or both. but sometimes a girl just wants to talk to her husband. maybe i'll address that with him again, for the 98th time, tonight.....what else.
friends: ok. so recently i my ex friend and i started dating again. no worries, im not cheating on my husband, but u know how u spend all ur time with a girlfriend. we call it friend marriage. well we had divorced the day of super bowl. and we are dating again,

anways, that has been adventurous. she seems supportive of the surgery. asks alot of questions. wants me to have a gbp party. like a baby shower type deal. what do u think?....

i WENT TO WORK TODAY. HAD AN OK DAY. GET A CALL FROM MY SURGEON'S OFFICE! MANUELLA TELLS ME THAT I WAS AUTHORIZED BY BCBS TODAY!!!! I TOLD HER SHE WAS LYING AND ASKED HER IF SHE KNEW WHO SHE WAS TALKING TO, SHE JOKED AND LAUGHED, THEN SAID SHE WAS SO SERIOUS. I JUST SAT THERE LIKE A DEER IN HEADLIGHTS. EVEN NOW. I DONT KNOW  WHAT TO SAY. WHAT TO DO. WHO TO TELL. ALL I CAN THINK OF IS NESTING. YOU KNOW HOW MOTHERS WANT TO CLEAN AND MAKE EVERYTHING PERFECT, THATS HOW I FEEL. HOWEVER, FOR THE FIRST 2 WEEKS OF MY SURGERY, ILL BE IN POMPANO BEACH WITH MY PARENTS SO I WONT EVEN BE HOME. IM SOOOOOO EXCITED. I CANT EVEN BREATHE. BUT I KNOW ONE THING, I WILL FINALLY BE ABLE TO SLEEP. ANOTHER THING I FEEL IS FEAR. IM SCARED OF WHAT MY NEW LIFE WILL BE LIKE. SCARED OF FAILURE. ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. IM TRYING AND WILLING TO LET GO AND LET GOD, BUT I TELL YOU, I KNOW I HAVE SO MUCH WORK TO DO.....I CANT EVEN TALK RIGHT NOW. IM AT A LOST FOR WORDS.......I GOT APPROVED! WOW.

JUST GOT A CALL FROM MY PSYCHIATRIST LADY, AMY MULHOLLAND! STD SHE HAS MAILED AND FAXED OVER MY PSYCH EVAL THIS MORNING! NOW ALL IM WAITING FOR IS DR. ALFONSO TO FAX/SEND OVER MY DIET HX, STUFF TO THE SURGEON.

OK SO LAST NIGHT I HAD BOTH MY PARENTS IN THE SAME PLACE AND I DECIDED TO TELL THEM. AND JUST AS I EXPECTED, MY MOTHER BASICALLY HAD A SEIZURE AND BEGAN TO THROW HERSELF VIOLENTLY ABOUT. SO AFTER WE STUCK A SPOON IN HER MOUTH, SHE CAME TO AND REALIZED THAT LIFE IS NOT OVER. SHE WENT ON AND ON ABOUT HOW IM HER DAUGHTER, HER OLDEST, SHE DONT WANT ME TO DIE. WHY DIDNT I CHOOSE TO GET THE LAPBAND (WHY DO WE CHOOSE REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT?) BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. WHY DID I CHOOSE THIS DOCTOR, MIAMI IS A SHADY PLACE, PEOPLE DOING THESE SURGERIES IN THEIR BASEMENTS, ETC. ETC. DID I CHECK TO SEE IF THE SURGEON IS LICENSED, CERTIFIED, RAH RAH RAH RAH. YEA....I COULD GO ON. SO AFTER WE PULLED HER BACK FROM SPACE, THANK GOD MY HUSBAND WAS THERE. SHE STARTED IN ON HIM. SHE'S GOING TO BE SKINNY. HOW DO YOU FEEL. ARE YOU SCARED. NOW SHE'LL BE PREGNANT IN 2 WEEKS, YADDA YADDA. OK. SO MY DAD, SAID ABSOLUTELY 8 WORDS AS HE STOOD THERE WITH THE CALENDAR HE PULLED OFF THE FRIDGE: WHAT DAYS WILL YOU BE IN THE HOSPITAL. THATS IT. NOTHING ELSE. DONT KNOW WHAT TO TAKE FROM THAT.  ANYWAY, IT IS WHAT IT IS.

WE WILL BE BEGINNING OUR "THANKSGIVING FAMILY SPECIAL"  ( AND I CALL IT THAT B/C I SWEAR WE NEED OUR OWN REALITY SPECIAL THAT ONLY OCCURS DURING THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS----D.R.A.M.A!) IN POMPANO BEACH DURING MY SURGERY, SO I WILL BE RECOUPERATING AT THE RESORT! HOLLLAAAAA!!! I HADNT EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT IT. BUT THAT IS WHERE I WILL BE! IM NOT SURE ILL BE ABLE TO DO THE WHOLE POOL, SWIMMY THING THOUGH. PROBABLY NOT WITH THE HOLES IN MY BELLY AND ALL.

IN OTHER NEWS, I STILL CAN'T SLEEP AND AM HAVING BAD DREAMS. NOT ABOUT SURGERY, BUT ABOUT OTHER STUFF. I GUESS MY SUBCONSCIOUS IS ON OVERTIME. NIGHT BEFORE I DREAMED THAT SOMEONE DESTROYED MY TRUCK AND I WAS TRYING TO GET TO THE ON*STAR BUTTON TO CALL FOR HELP. I MEAN MY TRUCK WAS SMASHED, TIRES FLAT, WINDOWS BUSTED, THERE WAS FIRE ALL AROUND. I WAS RUNNING SCARED AND PISSED OFF. I DONT COVET MATERIAL THINGS, BUT A SISTA WORKS HARD FOR HERS, YOU HEAR ME. I JUST GOT THAT TRUCK---THANK GOD FOR GAP INSURANCE!  BUT THAT WAS MY DREAM. AND I DREAMED IM FIGHTING. MIX THAT WITH THE USUAL DREAM, THAT I CAN RUN AND MY TIGOBIDDIES DONT GET IN THE WAY, AND I JUST WAKE UP EXHAUSTED. i DONT KNOW. iM JUST PARANOID, ANYWAY, GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK. IM WORKING FROM HOME TODAY, BUT I GOT A MEDIATION AT 130 TO PREPARE FOR SO ILL HAVE TO LEAVE THEN......TTYL

ok, so i guess the waiting officially begins. i had my psych eval today. wasnt that painful. wasnt painful at all. i couldve been sitting there naked, i felt so comfortable. i got kinda nauseaus towards the end, ironically enough, i hadnt eaten since 1230, my protein shake, and i realized it at about 330 during my appointment. bad move. got kinda sick and shaky, headed over to subway. took care of it. now im back at home. waiting. i guess now is the semi-official waiting game. my psych eval has to be sent over to the surgeon's office. the lasdy told me i have nothing to worry about on her end. she thinks im funny and will do well with the surgery.  so i know the recommendation/psych eval will be good. so im waiting on the surgeon's office to call me and say  that they have submitted all papaerwork to the insurance company. the worst that could happen is them coming back saying something stupid like '6 more months' or something. yall! please pray for me. i need to start this thing and get on with my life!

SO as the days go by and i have one more pre approval appointment to go to, im starting to have dreams. Now, it may be the cold medicine, multivitamin, b12, biotin, or birth control pill talking but this is whats happening to me. Last night i dreamed i was denied initially then on the next page, i was approved. I felt a rush of relief and fear all at the same time. Im so vain, my fear was the pain i would feel the first few days after surgery. HA! Since i dont have any children, i am not a soldier and i have no stories to tell about how i was in labor for 8 years and 35 hours. I dont know what that's like. i guess the most excruciating pain i have ever been in is the gas/cramp pain of pcos. Where you sit on the toilette and you have to scream from the air moving around your ovaries. It shoots up your pelvic area until eventually you pass the gas. Its horrible. That's one thing i will be glad to be done with.

Other than that, im ok. I have really begun to eat correctly--slightly. For example, i love tostitos. Those are my kryptonite! but I have been eating the same bag for 1 week. They are probably stale by now. I went to china buffet and only had 1 plate last night. I am drinking at least 3 atkins shakes a day as meal replacements. I am just really noticing what i eat and try to keep it right. I am literraly trying to get my mind right. And the only downfall of that is that i have a husband to take care of. I have to remember that he has to eat. He can't live on atkins shakes. Its hard to remember to make food available to him. But we've discussed it and i guess he will get over it and we will make it work.

I still havent told my mother yet. Ive only told my aunt, my best friend, my boss, and a few co-workers. I only told my coworkers b/c as i start to disappear and the new keisha arrives, i dont want them to start a rumor that im on crack, or my husband is leaving me, or i have cancer. You know. I have  a job where we spend more time together than we do at home, so some people just need to know so you dont have to beat their asses later. But back to my mother....not sure. my mother is kinda neurotic. Will make you crazy and suicidal with the questions and comments. PUt it like this: i moved out at 18. I havent been back to live since. Part of the reason im am big on success and financial freedom is so that i dont ever have to move back in with my mother. Its the truth. I cant do it. My sanity is priceless.

Even now, im 27 years old and she tells me that i am "flippy" with her. Saying that I have a smart mouth. Im like whatever. I am an adult. I have never yelled, cursed, screamed, or disrespected my mother, but if she says something is blue, and i  tell her the one i have is red, im being "flippy." She hasnt accepted the fact that i am an adult and thinks i am still 14. Its crazy. So ive decided i will tell her after i'm approved.

Im tired, im sick. I have upper respiratory infection ( a cold) and it is kicking my butt. I dont like antibiotics b/c of the yeast infection that always follows, so i just sweat it out. Thats what im doing. Suffering, blowing my nose, and freezing and sweating. How can you be hot and cold at the same time?im rambling. Well, ttyl.

oh, yea. so i lost 6 whole fricking pounds. im not working out. im just not snacking so much. i dont have any cravings. maybe b/c im sick. oh well.

oh, another thing, im deathly afraid of my hair falling out. so ive started to take a biotin supplement daily. it is 333% of the daily recommended value. 150 pills for $2.64. Gotta love walmart. I also started taking the sublingual b-12 2500 mcg. 60 pills for about $4 at walmart. Figure might as well start now get in the habit. And i still take 2 flinstone complete a day, after surgery i think it will be 4 a day. Its easy to remember b/c im on the computer 1st thing in the am--this is where i do my hair for work. and then i get on again before i go to bed. ......ok, time to eat. ttyl.