Penguinschick

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I feel as if I'm on some sort of emotional and mental rollercoaster. I spent Friday and part of Saturday wondering if I might fail at weight loss surgery as I've failed at so many efforts to lose weight before. Yet tonight, I found myself thinking, how wonderful it would be to pick out a dress for an event, wedding, party, vacation, whatever and not worry if I can find it in a plus size or my size. For once in my life, I will be able to pick almost whatever I choose, not have to pick from what little bit is available. I never thought I could even dream about that being a reality for me. In fact, not so long ago, I had resigned myself to the idea that I was just going to be fat forever. And that I was going to have to live with that. The stares in public, not meeting men who deserved what I had to give, wearing bad clothes, facing a reality where I always felt like a second class citizen.

I can't even begin to detail to someone who never struggled with obesity the pain being overweight causes a person. Most of society will say it's our fault for being fat, and that we are lazy or uneducated. Yes, for most of us, being fat has to do with taking in more calories than we burn. But the idea that fat people or lazy and should be subject to ridicule is just horrible, but something I can't change, so I have to live with it and the pain. You know, when someone is a liar, cheater, neurotic, violent, mean, an alcholic, whatever, people don't always see that on the outside of that person. I feel like I carry my decisions around on my body: all day, every day. For everyone to see and comment on. And trust me they do. I see it in their eyes.

It's the reason I never walk into a crowded room or establishment first (if I walk in at all). It's the reason why I don't stand up for myself as much as I want to. It's the reason why I can be sweating on a hot summer day and refuse to wear a sleeveless shirt. Its the reason why I get served last at a crowded bar. Its the reason why retail people ignore me in a normal store. I'm the elephant in the room everyone sees, and everyone pokes at, but no one treats me like a human. Fat people are the only group of people who you can make fun of and not be labeled as an ignorant asshole. You can't make fun of blacks, or latinos or asains or any ethnicity without being racist. You can't make fun of religions or genders without being a bigot. But nothing is wrong with making comments about a fat person as they walk by. Nothing is wrong with providing subpar service to fat customers. I'm not favoring a world where everything is politically correct and we shelter everyone and punish everyone else. But every day, I experience some sort of discrimination about my weight and it kills me and my spirit.

You know I started this blog on a really happy note and I'm not sure how I got so angry, but like I said: emotional rollercoaster. Must be time for bed!

I got an appointment with my primary care doctor!!! It's next week!!! Go me for being stubborn!

I did not get to go to the pool this morning because I had my little furbaby gizmo at the vets till past midnight last night. It turns out the little guy has bad knees and he popped his knee out. He's only 4 but at risk for arthritis, and I need to consider surgery. Not fun.

I plan on going tomorrow though, I'm only delayed one day. I can't wait to so my doctor and then this thing is even more real!!

=)

So I called the Dr's office on my lunch break and talked to a receptionist. I explained that I did have an "ongoing situation" in the fact that I was starting a weight loss surgery program and I needed to go on a 6 month doctor monitored diet. I did not want to waste any time. She said she would to talk to my doctor's P.A. and call me back. She called back and said she could get me in on Aug 26, and that my doctor was off this week but she could check with him next week if I wanted to come any earlier than that. I don't mean to be pushy, but I am going to take her up on the offer because yes, Aug 26 is sooner than Christmas, but I think I have a right to be a bit selfish for once in my life. I'm going to go in as soon as possible.

Today was my initial consultation with the surgeon. I was very excited, but once I got to the office I was very, very nervous. I don't have a specific reason why I was nervous, but I was. I ended up waiting to see Dr. Wilcox for a long time. Finally Jamie, the PA came in and explained that my dr was called away for surgery. She was very nice and asked if I had any questions, etc. One thing that I will say for Hope Bariatrics so far is the fact that I never feel embarrassed or uncomfortable about my weight. I know, its a bariatric center after all. But the respect and attitude every person I've spoken with there has been so refreshing and new to me. The don't sugarcoat things, but then again, they don't have to because there is no judging inflection in their tone, no patronization. I've never dealt with anyone in the medical field so helpful and kind.

The snag that I've run into is with my PCP. I called his office today and left a message requesting an appointment. When they called back to schedule me (which they called my office after I left my cell number, for a reason!), they left me a message saying I'm due for a physical and his first available appointment is at the end of DECEMBER!!! That's five months from now. Almost double the six months I already have to be monitored. They did say that if I have an "ongoing situation" I could call and try to get in. Well between wanting to get this program started, which I know my doctor agrees with and supports me, and wanting to ask him about my chronic ear infections, I'm definitely calling back tomorrow and asking to schedule at least a quick appointment, I can still do a complete physical in December, but I need him to see me now or I have to jump ship.

I feel bad, I really like my pcp and he knows mine and my family's medical history. But I have to think of myself and do whatever it takes to see this all through.

I'll update tomorrow once I have called my PCP's office back

Today I started to get a bit worried about the support I will or will not get from my family. It's not that I don't think I can manage myself, but I'm afraid that they might try to hold me back. And my family means so much to me that it hurts when they aren't "there".

I feel like like my mom is half worried, half jealous. She would have wls in a second if she could, but for her its always been "do as I say, not as I do". She's a worry wart, wishy washy and immature at times, which makes for a volatile combination. My dad normally does not meddle, which is all I can really ask of him I guess, and one of my brothers said to me today "you know they're going to make you lose weight to get the surgery."  I guess I'm learning fast that I can't talk about wls or anything about it to people. It's sad and I thought I was doing okay by not bringing it up constantly, but I am excited. I wanted the people I love to share that with me, but I guess they don't and it makes me sad. Instead I feel like they don't think I'm serious or that I can do it or that I shouldn't do it.

The worst part about it is, is that all my life I've been VERY private about my weight and my struggles. I never complained, blamed anyone or victimized myself. I finally got to a place in my life where I accepted myself and accepted that for my health and my future that I needed to change. It's like they'd rather me be fat and struggling.

I don't have an urge to eat this pain, but I do want to cry because I don't think they understand. I have really great friends and co-workers, but that can only go so far. I live with my family, they are going to be there all the time, and I don't know how I will stand it if they don't want to support me or try to understand my feelings.

EDIT:

i know that my family loves me and wants me to be happy and healthy. I have been very lucky and led a very nice life and I don't mean for it to seem like I have bad parents or that they have been unsupportive my whole life. I guess I feel that because they aren't excited or interested in my wls, that must mean that they doubt I can/will do it, or they don't want me to do it , or something like that. Some might say I should take a "prove 'em wrong" stance, and maybe I should but I don't know if it's realistic for me to maintain that attitude 24/7 since I do live with my parents.

I've decided to have surgery, and thats pretty  much where I am at right now. I feel like the next 6 months or so is going to be such a waiting game. Of course this is nothing compared to the past 20 years I've spent as a fat person, but once I make a decision, I'm ready. I've always been decisive like that.

I went to the seminar that my surgeon holds to talk to any interested party about surgery. After that I contacted my insurance company to make sure I was covered and then I made my consultation appointment with him. The appointment is next Thursday and the week after that I have an appointment with the nutritionist.

I've been toying with the idea of gastric bypass for a few years now and I always had let doubt and fear get the best of me. I kept getting in my own way. And sometimes I'm scared that even when I get to a healthy weight or my goal weight, I'll still be that fat person on the inside and that's scary for me. And even though I know I have a nice life and I love my friends and experiences, I can't shake the idea that life would be so much better if I could get on a plane and not have to worry about the flight attendents making me purchase another seat, a fear which has kept me from traveling long distances for a few years now.  Life would be so much better if I could run for longer than 30 seconds without being short of breath. Life would be so much better if I didn't struggle to find clothes to fit me.

My family and friends are supportive, so I really hope this is going to be the best and biggest journey of my life.