Pinkshell4u

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Yesterday we went to Busch Gardens.  I've been there several times (we live close) so I know what the walking is like.  Last time we were there I weighed about 40 lbs. less.  I was miserable this time.  I dont own any shorts so I wore demin capris.  I bought a shirt especially for the day, maternity of course, big and floaty enough so it wouldnt stick to my sweaty body. I also wore sneakers.  It was the hottest day on record so far, 97 degrees but with the heat index it got up to 103.  Fun huh?!
I was determined not to ruin everyones day so I did the best I could.  I'm in such bad shape that I had to sit and catch my breath every so often.  My knees and back were killing.  I was sweating so hard that my shirt and pants were soaked within an hour. I ended up sitting in the shade with Avery while Sydney and Joe went and rode the rides. ( I refused to even try and get on most of the rides, I was sure my ass wouldnt fit and I didnt want to try it in front of everyone)  I felt beaten down and miserable.  I swore that we would come back next year and I would ride everything, by then I will be lighter and in much better shape. Close to 155 by May 08 is my goal.

Today I ache, my feet and hips and back.  I just wanted to stay in bed all day but forced myself to get moving.  We set the pool up and started re-filling it with the hose.  Hopefully there will be no more holes this summer, it is a real pain in the ass to fix them.

Tomorrow makes it exactly 1 month until surgery.  (Knees knocking, chewing nails) I'm fine, I actually feel good about it and wish the day would get here sooner.  I'm ready to start working on my health.  Speaking of which I forgot to take my vitamins, gotta go!

Yay for Sydney, she weighed in this morning at 103 lbs.  That's 6 pounds in 4 weeks!  She is very excited and I'm glad she can drop it so easily.

As for me. Well, still the same but thats okay.  I'm not sure if my surgeon is going to make me do a week-long liquid diet before he cuts me.  From what I've read it seems like a relatively normal thing to happen.  I'm not worried about it, I can do a week of fluids.....too bad BEER isnt one of the fluids though! HA! 
I'm continuing to read and research everyday, I bet I'll know more than the doctor eventually.  I've come across some real sad and depressing stories but on a whole, they are few and far between.  I just keep a positive mindset and know that I have a very capable doctor. 
I've learned that there is a huge difference in proximal and distal bypass.  It's the amount of small intestine that is bypassed.  Proximal is under 150 cm and distal is over 150 cm.  Some people say that their surgeon does the same amount for every patient, some surgeons do it according to how much weight they think you have to lose.  I'm going to ask my doc if I can be right in the middle, you know, not too big, not too small.  I probably dont get a say in how much but its worth a try to ask. All he can say is NO, right.  Also, the stomachs fundus is what produces the ghrelin (the evil substance that makes you hungry), its a hormone that fat people seem to produce more of.  I'm probably pumping it out by the gallon cause I am never NOT hungry.  The first year after surgery (the honeymoon period) your ghrelin is kinda not around too much.  The fundus is in shock and doesnt start pumping again until about a year or so after the procedure.  I'm gonna ask him (plead with him) to disable mine permanently, if thats possible.  Now, it may not be because I've read that it has some sort of connection to brain function as well.  And we all know how much I love my brain.....cant put it in jeopardy. A regular pouch can hold about 15mL after the surgery.  About the size of a big syringe (I had one of those medicine syringes left over from when Syd had a cough) I filled it with yogurt and squirted it in my mouth, IT WASNT EVEN A MOUTHFUL. Wow. I know once I am eating these micro-portions it will be enough but it boggles my mind now.  
I've learned that I'm going to probably lose my hair. Hopefully not all of it, HA!  Through much perseverance I have managed to grow it down past my shoulders again.  Took me about 2 years.  Many of the other women find that cutting their hair short makes it harder to tell they are losing any.  I dont wanna!  Grrrrrrr.  I guess it's going to depend how bald I get.
And the thing that is still freaking me out about this whole operation to the point of panic?  I've been told that I will DEFINATELY have to have a central line in my NECK.  Just typing that makes my skin crawl.  I dont understand why it has to be in my neck. I'm a good arm stick, I've never had a problem getting a needle in my arm or hand!  Why does it have to be the neck?  Why oh why oh why??!!?? Gah. I guarrantee you that the anticipation of that jab in the neck will have me sobbing like a baby and maybe even barfing the morning of my surgery. I'll bet money on that.
Its 32 days and counting. Tick tick tick. I want it to get here and I dont. I'm sick of wearing this fat suit but I've been wearing it for so long that it's scary to let it go.  I'm concentrating on being as healthy as possible now. I take my pre-natal vitamin, my B-12 and try to walk as much as I can.  I'm eating well, never exceeding 1800 calories per day. I stay away from fat and sugar. The hardest part so far is learning not to drink when I eat (its like automatic) and sometimes I still do. 
Well, I guess thats enough for today!  I have my first pre-op next Wednesday, its just the easy stuff. I'll fill you in then.

I've only just started this journey and already I feel like the people around me wanna scream "Shuddap!"  I dont blame them, I know I'm obsessive.  From reading thousands of posts here I know I'm not the only one though.  I think its a requirement for pre-op patients.  As I lie in bed last night I decided it was time to clear the air with my husband.  
"I know I mentioned seeing a shrink a few days ago, do you remember me saying that?"  He nods and adds "Why would we need to see a shrink?"  "Well, it seems to me that divorce is fairly high among GB patients."  "It is?"  "Yep, and I dont want things like jealousy or anger to drive us apart."  We talk about it some more and for once I think he was really listening and understanding.  I will probably end up being smaller then when we first met 17 years ago.  That kinda freaked him out but he lisened. Not that he's a dipshit or anything, but lets face it, men dont listen.  I explained to him that the next year would "seem" to be *all about Shell* and that it would be that way because my whole way of living would be changing.  Its not an exaggeration either.  I'm only trying to prepare him for what is to come and since he wont do any research on his own, I end up desseminating the info to him in easy to understand format.  
I'm having some worrisome thoughts though.  My dear, sweet husband is overweight.  He is also in denial.  Big time.  He wont even consider eating better.  He sneaks food.  I find dozens of candy bar wrappers in his car (not that I'm looking for them, they fall out when I open the door!)  He's six feet tall and 265.  Not a behemoth but far from fit.  His joints are shot and he no longer has much stamina.  I fear that at this rate he will balloon up.  I fear for his health.  He never wants to talk about it so I keep my big mouth shut now.  I did however tell him that I would no longer be his enabler, so I dont buy anything that I myself wouldnt ingest.  This made him mad at first but now he just buys his own crap.  I had to draw the line.  I also asked him to keep the crap he eats out of sight of his daughter who is struggling to stay on her eating plan.  
It's been about 4 weeks since we started eating Phase 4 and its going good.  I havent lost any weight but Sydney is down to 106 and that is great.  She weighs in every Wed. and is so excited when the scale moves.  I'll be happy if my weight just stays the same until surgery.

I know what it is.  I have it.  I fight it desperately every day.  So, what do I do about it?  How do I fight it permanently?  Ok....maybe a hobby.  Read a book.  Clean.  Beat my kids. (kidding)  I've been trying those things.  My mind cant seem to focus on the activity.  Hmmmmm.  I dunno. I'm gonna keep working on it.  I'd like to have some answers before I actually have the surgery.  Its nice to be prepared.

I've been watching TLC's Brookhaven Mini-marathon today.  Scary.  Man.  I dont know how you could let yourself get to 500!  I feel like death and I'm only 240.  And alot of them are in denial!  How can you possibly be in denial when someone has to wipe your ass for you????  I dunno.  I just wanna shake these people and say "Wake up! You're dying!"  One of them got GBS and then ordered take-out!  Incredible.  Boggles the mind.

My 9 year old, Sydney, was very disappointed when she woke up to *rain*. Damn.  We were supposed to be spending the day at Busch Gardens.  So now she's moping.  She's been doing so well at watching what she eats.  Better than I thought.  She's lost 3 pounds in 3 weeks by just eating better and moving more.   She made a summer goal of 15 pounds.  I dont think thats unreasonable. I just hope I can help her stick with it.
Joe is home today.  I have no idea what I'm going to be able to do to keep him and 2 kids busy.

My hip hurts, my back hurts, my knee joints hurt.  I'm a mess.  I dont even have to DO anything, I just wake up this way.  
I've managed to get breakfast into everyone and now theyre mezmerized by the Nintendo.  Horrah!
I read someones blog last night who is starting to have problems at more than 2 years out.  She doesnt dump so she can eat whatever she wants.  Why would you even test that?  I mean, I want to dump.  I want the fear of dumping hanging over my head.  Because of that fear I will succeed.  Now she's back to where she started and theres nothing she can do except diet, the hard way.  I want my pouch to stay tiny for as long as I can keep it that way.  Stretching it out kinda defeats the purpose of doing this in the first place. A friend of mine said "You're losing weight on your pre-surgical diet, why dont you just keep going with that?"  Thats the million dollar question isnt it.  One that I just cant answer to her satisfaction.  No one can understand unless theyve been fat.  I dont have enough control, I need another tool.  
Well, here comes another weekend.  At least we will be going to Busch Gardens on Sunday.  That will break the monotony that is my existance these days.

Well.  Another late night for me. Go figure.  I'm babysitting a friends kid so her and her old man can have some quality time.  I dont mind even though the kid is creepy.  My daughter keeps her busy so they stay out of my hair.  
Today was another day of ....blah.  I mowed the front 2 acres which took about 2 hours. Wheeee. Took a shower and did some housework.  Realized we were out of...everything.... and sped to WalMart. It was hot and humid, my two least favorite feelings.  Ran into a friend ( i thought she was a friend) from school while I was there.  She eyeballed my cart.....my sons poptarts right on top.....and looked up at me.  "Sooooo, you're having that gastric thing right?"  I knew immediately what she was implying and I had a vision of me ramming the poptart family pack down her scrawny throat.  "Yes, in July." I croaked through clenched teeth.  "Well, good luck with that." She rolls her eyes, wiggling her fingers in my direction and drags her 112 lb. carcass out the door.  Judgement.  I should be used to it, but I'm not.  
I've read so many blogs lately.  I like sucess stories and hope I can write something similar.  Overall I think I'm ready. I do get headhunger and my PreMS choco-crave is a bitch.  It will be a challenge to overcome those. I guess we'll see.

Is it crazy that I would love to be put into a medically induced coma right now?  Time is just barely squeeking by.  I honestly have nothing to do all day.  It's probably a good thing anyway, I have nothing to wear.  I managed to get grease splatter on my last decent shirt last night.  So officially every shirt of mine has stains or spots on it and I refuse to buy more. REFUSE! 
Ok, enough self-pitious whining. 

I dont feel like a miserable person, I'm actually very happy mosttimes.  Lately though I've been feeling angry and pissed.  I see someone glancing at me (with what I perceive as disgust) and it sets me off.  I dont ever say anything out loud but I definately curse them out in my head. I know, weird.

I had a bad day today.  Drank my protein breakfast and threw it up an hour later.  Had toast and laid down.  I havent even had surgery yet dammit.  Ate a sandwich for lunch and got deathly ill, had to lay down and nap to get through the feeling.  My husband wanted to fool around, he didnt really seem to care I felt crappy.  I started crying and now he's all freaked out.  I have no idea why I was crying, I mean I've fooled around when I felt shitty before.  I really have no clue what the hell is going on with me.

1am. Dammit, cant sleep.  I've always been more of a night person anyway.  A friend of mine (who is skinny)  once told me that if I slept normally I would be happier and therefore I would be thinner. (He's not what you would call a "thinker") I just nodded and smiled, hoping the diatribe ended there and I wouldnt be faced with another 6 degrees of separation.  Youu know my friends never had issue with me being fat....well, chunky.  I was chubby and cute, round and sexy.  My step-sister was tall, thin and blonde. Do I even have to explain what kind of pressure this put on me?  Short, wide and brunette.  Ugh. She went after the handsome men, I went after the "quirky" guys.  If she threw a handsome one away, I may on occasion pick him up, dust him off, salvage what I could.  I had a sense of humor, she still doesnt.  Lets just say, in life, I came out on top in the end.  We dont speak, even after I tried reconciling with her and she called me a fat cow from hell.  Oh well, I'm better off.  For years I would be the one to apologize, just to be accepted.  I've outgrown that and now I could give a shit what she thinks. Yay for me. 
I started college last year.  An old fat white lady in a classroom full of tiny blonde fetuses.  I swear, everyone looks 12.  I dont even think I speak the same language as them and I'm scared.  I clutch my books and try not to make eye contact, fearing someone might ask me something.  Well, it took me a semester but I'm better now.  In fact, I'm everyones Mama.  I give advice and comfort and even tutor.  They have become my second family.  I'm happy in school, its where I belong and I thrive.  Nothing but A's. And no one judges me by my size, its all about brains there and I got a big one. Hehe.  My English professor told me it was impossible to write a novel in 30 days so I proved her wrong.  I finished a week before finals. She was dumbfounded, it was great!  I joined the literary magazine and published a great deal of my other works too.  I'm a writer at heart but my major is Biology.
Criminy, I gotta try to sleep.