Long weekends are rough.

May 27, 2007

Morning.  Not even 7 am yet and I'm up and feeding people.  Lots to do today, laundry, vacuuming, general cleaning-up.  The old man will be home in 30 minutes and then he's off to bed for the day.  
I've made 4 friends since I joined here.  Mostly people that are scared shitless like me.  I wish they were here, I could really use the company. Anyway, I have to go start the day.

The children are dressed, teeth brushed and hypnotized by the TV.  Yay.  Hehe.  I sit at the puter in my pajamas ( I did brush my teeth at least). I've been reading the message boards alot.  I cant imagine my old man leaving me right after surgery, man that would suck.  I know he's gonna be like a kid in a candy store once I'm littler.  He hates the clothes I wear (not more than I do) and we have made a pact, we'll be having a huge bonfire of ugly fat clothes as soon I go down one size. Yay.  Boy, that will be one stinky fire.  He honestly loves me for my brain ( I've been told I have the "Pam Anderson" of brains) Wow. Anyway, we're a team and I'm like his crack, he's addicted. 
I have tattoos.  I had my bellybutton pierced but it grew out. I pierced the top of my ear but its prone to infection so I dont put anything in it nowadays. As for piercing anything "private" I'm a chicken. I didnt want it then, doubt I'll change my mind.  I will, however, be getting more tattoos.  Nothing hideous that I wont be able to hide, I mean I do have to work at a lab eventually.  Many people still consider tattoos a stigma, dummies. 
I havent even had my surgery yet and I already have my "ideal" pair of pants picked out.  Size 9.  They are my positive focus point.  My old man caresses them in a way that makes me uneasy, hehe.
Anyway, I suppose I should shower.

Damn feelings.

May 27, 2007

Went to Target this morning.  My daughters allowance was burning a whole in her pocket.  So while she was browsing I went to the "fat girl" clothes to look around.  Isnt it always like this, when you need something desperately to wear you can never find anything?  And of course I dont WANT to buy any more fat clothes so I see probably 10 things I wanted to buy.  Sucks. I manage to leave without buying anything but B-12 sublingual drops. Whew, close one!
Another boring day of sitting at home.  

I just finished feeding the masses and cleaning up the kitchen.  The old man works tonight so I packed his lunch and sent him on his way.  The kids are in the pool and I have the windows open so I can hear (dont worry my kids are 13 and 9, they swim better than I do) At dinner I brought up GBS and the old man just stares at me with a blank look.  He hates talking about it.  He hates when I talk to him about it.  He doesnt want to hear about it again until the day I have to go to the hospital for surgery.  He's odd but I still love him.
My daughter is 9 years old.  She weighs 107 pounds. Guess who she takes after.  Poor baby. We have a hell of a time finding anything "cool" for her to wear.  Right now I have to buy womens 7 or 9 and it breaks my heart.  I remember my childhood.  Never having anything clotheswise that my friends had, my clothes always looked like adult clothes. I learned to modify my clothes, luckily my sense of design made my clothes cooler than my friends.  Anyway, she and I sat down and really talked about "fat".  She made a short term goal ( 15 pounds by September)and has the determination to stick to it (sometimes, hehe).  I'm stressing the fact that she has to learn to make informed choices and keep her portions small. Her motto has become "Protein first" and in this last week she lost 2 pounds. I couldnt be prouder. Hopefully she will learn the lessons early and not have to resort to GBS later. 

Obsessing, it's my new hobby.

May 25, 2007

woohoo, it's Saturday.  Long weekend.  Whoop-de-doo.  The old man is working all weekend so I'm stuck in the house with 2 bored kids.  I've been online all morning, just putting around.  I'm kinda in a stall, a holding pattern.  My first appointments won't happen until next month.  And so I obsess.  About what could happen, about the way it will feel, the worst that can happen.  I can't say I'm not mildly excited about the prospect of being smaller and being able to wear clothes that dont look like they were made by Omar the tent maker.  When I got a date, I quit buying clothes even though I desperately need them.  Fat people go through clothes really fast dont we?  Maybe its because the quality isnt as good or maybe we dont have as many clothes so we end up wearing the ones we have more.  I dunno. I only know I have 3 bras that have seen much better days, a handful of underwear that I long to throw away and a couple pairs of socks that are close to disintergrating.  I have 4 "wearable" shirts.  By wearable I mean I wouldnt be completely embarrassed to wear them in public.  They are 2X or 3X and I hate them.  It's summer so I have 3 pairs of capris ( I havent worn shorts in......5 years, wow) Its the beginning of the summer so theyre in fairly decent shape.  I go through flip flops quickly, I have to throw them away once they start getting compressed in the heel.  The tell tale sign that I need a new pair? Once I slip them off they resemble a curled peice of orange rind.  
About 7-8 years ago I lost quite abit of weight and threw ALL of my fat clothes away. I was delusional and thought that THIS time I'd be able to keep it off forever. HA! I got down to a size 12!  It was a miracle. I had a huge panni with a few hernias so my doctor said that they would do the tummy tuck.  They assumed that I would continue losing.  We moved, deaths in the family, stress, and a number of other things seemed to redirect my energies and before I knew it I was back up to a size 22. My mother would shake her head and tsk tsk me.  Why would you do this to yourself?  You were doing so well.  The woman has weighed 100 lbs her whole life.  None of my family really understand, well except my husband.  He understands but he still doesnt want me to have it done.  He's too afraid I'll die.  Hell, I'm afraid I'll die.  

I'm sitting poolside, watching my kids play.  I managed to squeeze my big ass into an old swimsuit so that my pastey skin could be exposed to the sun. It's not pretty and I apologize to my kids for having to look at me like this. Seriously, the amount of spandex on me right now could be made into a pretty large trampoline. Nuff said.  
I often wonder how I got to this place in my life. Even as a large kid/teenager/adult I was one of the popular people.  I never had a problem getting or keeping a man.  My self-esteem has always been decent.  I used to love to be active and outdoors, I lived for action!  My husband of 17 years loves me and has suffered through some pretty horrific life ordeals with me.  Even knowing all of my secrets (um, maybe not all of them) and all of my faults he still WANTS me and thinks I'm incredible. After he retired from the military I wanted to stop working and go back to school....he thought it was a great idea.  Living on one income is tight but it isnt forever.  I've done so much in my life that required me to sacrifice or compromise and yet I can't control my eating.  I dont understand.  I smoked since I was about 14, and when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1999, I quit cold turkey.  Havent smoked since. And yet I cant stay on an eating program for more than 6 months.  I blame my stomach only because it cant defend itself.  I say, the hunger pains and the hollow feeling hurt so bad that it forces me to eat MORE. Is that my cop out? Once I have the surgery will the pains stop?  Or will I find another stupid reason?

Insanity sets in

May 25, 2007

I'm bored.  I'm a 40 year old college student and now that the Spring semester is over, I hate it. Nothing to do. My kids are at school till 3:30.  I sat at Panera today and surfed the web. Mostly I read about other peoples bypass stories. I'm glad my surgery isnt until July, I want the time to go slow. I dont know if I'm ready.  I fear for my life.  I cant tell my family these things because they dont want me to have the surgery.  I'm stuck and feel alone. Grrrrrrr.  I'm obsessed with the surgery too, think about it way too much.  I need a hobby.

About Me
Surgery Date
May 24, 2007
Member Since

Friends 24

Latest Blog 84
Back to my old BLOG....oh yeah and 195!
I'm Baaacccckkkk.
198 and surgery tomorrow, yay.
200 and in pain.
201 and my family is back.
201 and relief at last.