pjw19_65

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Hello...out there in OH land. 

Since November I have been home bound due to my post-op physicians' orders.  I was told to wait six months before returning to work.  Unfortunately, I have not been able to follow those orders.  I'll admit I enjoyed being homebound for a while, but eventually it seemed like life was passing me by so I decided to get out and do something constructive with myself.  About four years ago, I was so sick that I had to let my Nursing Assistant credentials go and go on disability.  Last week, I decided to try to pick up my life where I'd left off by at least securing a position as a Personal Care Aide--in hopes to eventually go back to the hospital as a Nursing Assistant and enter a Hospital Administrator Internship.  Today, I went for orientation for my new PCA job...(ah...now that's better, getting out and doing some things) things seemed a little hazy and I was disoriented but I'm hoping things will come back to me soon.  The added cherry on top is that I'm going to see the New Tyler Perry movie tonight.  Wish me the best of luck.

Today was a good day.  I just wish I had more energy to get out and about.  I'm hoping my energy level will improve over the next few months as I transition to eating more and different foods.  In two months I will have reached my goal.  Hard to believe that I begun this journey weighing 237lbs.  Before, it was difficult to take the weight off no matter how hard I tried, but now it's not so hard...of course, I exercise and eat right, but that has become a daily routine.  If I could also do something about the gurgling noises my stomach makes I would be doing a hundred.  The gurgling noises are quite disturbing, but I can live with it.  Until next time, I hope everyone has a great week.

OH I'm backkkk....and officially in a size 14.  I started my journey at a size 22.  It's hard to believe that I am officially in a size 14. I will say that I've been fighting the size 14's simply because it looks provocative and I've never done provocative before.  I like the look but am concerned what others will think.  The suits I've tried on actually fit my body, they are not too big or so tight that I can't sit but you can definitely see my curves so I'm concerned.  I think the concern comes from never having curves or seeing curves under my clothes so it is a new and different experience.  My psy says that if I am concerned that means I am not trying to intentionally look provocative, in fact, the fact that I am concerned reveals that the clothes are probably not as provocative as I think because a provocative person would not question how provocative something was.  She also pinpointed that I can not tell what a person is thinking so stop worrying about what people can be thinking because I'm not a mind reader and there is no way to tell.  I think that was the best advice and I am actually looking forward to wearing my 14's, after all, I'm putting in the work for this body and all my hard work deserves to be shown off sometime--as long as it is not provocatively intentional.

About three weeks ago I weighed in at 182.  This week I went to my favorite retail store in hopes to buy a suit for an upcoming interview.  Immediately, I went for everything in a size 18.  There was a beautiful tan pant suit that I just adored, but when I tried it on the pants were too big.  After that I spent like an hour more trying on size 16's--much to no avail, wait for it.......I tried on size 14.  Spent two hours in the store searching and could only find one size 14 in good taste.  My first comment was I never knew 14's could be so ugly wow they are just as ugly as the size 22's I was once in.  I admit this visit was very disappointing especially since once I lost the weight I thought "hey I should be able to fit into some pretty nice clothes now, but that is not necessarily true as I learned with this visit.  I may actually have to find me a new favorite retail store, now that is really WOW!  Lately, I've been really sore all over, but I still manage to get my 30 minutes in 4 to 5 times a week.  I recently went back to school so I'm excited about that.  I am also learning to walk in stilettos.  I've never been able to walk in heels so this is a huge deal for me and I am soooo excited...wish me luck.   

I currently weigh 187 lbs. and I am in my old size 16.  I have to stop and admire how nice I look in my 16's.  It's hard to imagine that this time next month I may weigh 177 lbs.  Years ago before the weight gain I took pride in how I looked--before I went out my clothes were pressed with a crease, I had a fetish for shoes and I kept an appointment with the hair salon every week.  I changed my hair almost as much as I changed my shoes.  I can even remember when I would take shopping trips to other states because I loved to shop.  After the weight gain, seems as though I lost pride in myself.  I stopped ironing my clothes, wasn't so worried about my hair or shoes and didn't really want to go anywhere anymore.  Since, the weight has come off I am starting to feel like the old me as I have begun taking pride in myself again. Now that I'm finding me again, there are parts of the overweight me that I can not allow back in and it is hard for people in my life to understand and adapt to it.  Lately, I am beginning to realize that some of the overeating may have developed as a result of a bad marriage that's mentally abusive.  We come from "two different sides of the track" which causes stress from friends, and family and stress between each other because he refuses to leave his past behind and move forward with me.  Of course, he says that he has left his old life behind but his actions are different whenever we visit his mother.  He also has behavior issues whenever I work so I have put my career on hold several times to avoid having to deal with his attitude.  In addition, I almost have a Master's Degree so there are very few people that I have much in common with like his friends, acquaintances, and family.  He also does not have an education.  Yet, by divine intervention we met and married with the only commonality between us being martial arts movies.  I say by divine intervention because I have always traveled in completely different circles.  For example, I volunteered and my father was a pastor so I was brought up in the church, attended church religiously and had Christian friends.  He on the other hand never knew religion, never cared to know religion, and have lead a more than questionable lifestyle.  Out of all this we met and married.  I have nothing in common with these people from his past.  In fact, he is the only thing I have in common with his mother. I have explained that I have nothing in common with these people, and that they make me feel uncomfortable.  In the past whenever I've felt uncomfortable I've looked to food for comfort.  Food can no longer be my crutch, I have to deal with things face value and this thing between us keeps coming back to make me feel uncomfortable so I really don't know how to deal with it other than to face the facts that my 12 year marriage is in trouble and may be ending in divorce.  He openly stated that the last two birthdays have been awful because I had a tantrum, but on my birthday I never take him anywhere where he feels uncomfortable or unwanted like an outsider observing.  I think the difference is that I have too much consideration and respect to do that to anyone and he just doesn't care.  And while these things may be commonsense to some they are trivial to me therefore, I need guidance--what do I do????  I'm tired of blame always being shifted to me, I'm tired of always feeling like you're sending out the signal that you are single, I'm tired of always having to apologize for being me or feeling how I feel--why should I have to apologize.  If this is not a healthy relationship that makes me feel loved, respected, cherished, protected and safe to return love then it is unhealthy and I cannot do unhealthy right now.  My best friend said "it is obvious he does not want to change, he has had opportunity and has not, he goes back to the same every year once a year because he is not ready to move on with you so it's time to let it go, he will never be who you want or need him to be because he is fine with being who he is that is no one."  I think she is right.

A week later I'm back where I started weighing in at 196.4 this morning.  The last two days seems as though I've been thinking a lot about losses.  Ughhh....I've allowed myself to become frustrated--mad at life because it threw me a curve ball, that included being put on disability for my illness.  I imagine that those who had started out with me years ago are much farther along then me and little ole' me is just putt puttin along, haven't even got her feet wet in a new career while others have probably had several promotions.  Recovery is definitely going slow for me and while my doctors say it will take a few months, seems like I really didn't get rid of any medicines but added a few.  I'm just so ready to go on with my life but it's all happening extremely slow.  Some may say "Hey, at least you have the opportunity to focus on exercising and eating right," but I think at this point I just want to live my life and come off of the medicines.  Starting to ask:  "Will I ever be able to live a normal life?"

Been 6 days since I posted so, OH here I go again.  Today has been a gud day.  I weighed in at 199.  I'm glad to be back on track after the blood pressure and fluid scare.  Hopefully, the pounds will come flying back off.  People wonder why I like to get out and walk well, it's because I'm bored with sitting home.  Unfortunately, I can't return to work until I see how my Diabetes is going to react to the surgery.  Right now I'm taking four small insulin injections a day, but one of my doctor's say there is hope, another says that if I was going to be non-insulin dependent it would have happened in the first month, but there is hope yet on the horizon...the last three days I have only had to take an injection once a day because it keeps dropping.  This afternoon I will be lowering my night time dose and see how that works.  Overall, my spirits are good and I'm looking forward to seeing the new me.  I find myself questioning how I will react returning to work after so long.  I think the factor that brought me to this point was that my illnesses had become so horrid and complicated to deal with that I had to leave work.  Being Diabetic, having Hypertension, Asthma and a list of other co-morbidities always put me at risk of catching everybody's illnesses around me whether it was a simple cough or more serious virus.  It's no fun having to miss work because you caught something from a co-worker and no fun having to explain to your boss that you need more than a day to get over the cold your co-worker gave you.  Yep...I'm looking forward to the new me.  

Sitting back drinking a  thinking about my day.  Today I jogged and walked for 30 minutes.  At some point, I may have over did it because I got real dizzy and had to reach out for my workout buddy to catch me.  So, if I have learned anything today it is:  When you are trying to regain your strength after surgery, it's a gud idea to have a workout buddy to keep an eye on you or a personal trainer who can help you know your limits.  Either way, I'm proud of myself and am grateful that this is not just my journey but a journey shared by my significant other as well.  It's amazing how something so little or insignificant can help a person put things into perspective, just like sometimes strength comes from the most unexpected places at the most unexpected times.  Though, I miss being in circulation (not working or doing anything productive per my therapist's request), I am still THANKFUL!!!

Today I weighed in at 196.4.  I'm only a little over 4 wks. out and I'm thinking about where to go from here.  I walk at least four days per week for thirty minutes but I'm beginning to worry about the giggly stuff that will be left over after the weight loss.  What's a good point to start looking into a personal trainer or at least a gym?  And how far out do I wait before I start jogging?  Is there a good weight to start jogging?  I guess I'm still trying to gain my strength back but I don't want to miss the bus on toning things up either.

Overall, today was a good day.  I was out and about all day with my special someone.  I lost another 2 lbs.  I'm now 198lbs.  I've been getting complements that I look good--I guess it's opposed to the old me looking bad.  Though I look good, I still feel a little lightheaded or funny--I can't explain it other than using those words but it's not a good feeling.  Lately, family members have been saying things to scare me about my decision to have WLS--either way it's too late now because the surgery has been done.  I think they are afraid of the complications that can occur and in turn their concerns come off as scare tactics.  They really have me afraid that I will die earlier than normal, or that something bad is going to happen to me so much so that I have had trouble sleeping the last two nights.  They make me regret ever having it done though my reasons seemed very logical and valid at the time.  How do I get past this?  How do I move forward if they won't let me?