Old habits die hard

Jan 25, 2013

I currently weigh 187 lbs. and I am in my old size 16.  I have to stop and admire how nice I look in my 16's.  It's hard to imagine that this time next month I may weigh 177 lbs.  Years ago before the weight gain I took pride in how I looked--before I went out my clothes were pressed with a crease, I had a fetish for shoes and I kept an appointment with the hair salon every week.  I changed my hair almost as much as I changed my shoes.  I can even remember when I would take shopping trips to other states because I loved to shop.  After the weight gain, seems as though I lost pride in myself.  I stopped ironing my clothes, wasn't so worried about my hair or shoes and didn't really want to go anywhere anymore.  Since, the weight has come off I am starting to feel like the old me as I have begun taking pride in myself again. Now that I'm finding me again, there are parts of the overweight me that I can not allow back in and it is hard for people in my life to understand and adapt to it.  Lately, I am beginning to realize that some of the overeating may have developed as a result of a bad marriage that's mentally abusive.  We come from "two different sides of the track" which causes stress from friends, and family and stress between each other because he refuses to leave his past behind and move forward with me.  Of course, he says that he has left his old life behind but his actions are different whenever we visit his mother.  He also has behavior issues whenever I work so I have put my career on hold several times to avoid having to deal with his attitude.  In addition, I almost have a Master's Degree so there are very few people that I have much in common with like his friends, acquaintances, and family.  He also does not have an education.  Yet, by divine intervention we met and married with the only commonality between us being martial arts movies.  I say by divine intervention because I have always traveled in completely different circles.  For example, I volunteered and my father was a pastor so I was brought up in the church, attended church religiously and had Christian friends.  He on the other hand never knew religion, never cared to know religion, and have lead a more than questionable lifestyle.  Out of all this we met and married.  I have nothing in common with these people from his past.  In fact, he is the only thing I have in common with his mother. I have explained that I have nothing in common with these people, and that they make me feel uncomfortable.  In the past whenever I've felt uncomfortable I've looked to food for comfort.  Food can no longer be my crutch, I have to deal with things face value and this thing between us keeps coming back to make me feel uncomfortable so I really don't know how to deal with it other than to face the facts that my 12 year marriage is in trouble and may be ending in divorce.  He openly stated that the last two birthdays have been awful because I had a tantrum, but on my birthday I never take him anywhere where he feels uncomfortable or unwanted like an outsider observing.  I think the difference is that I have too much consideration and respect to do that to anyone and he just doesn't care.  And while these things may be commonsense to some they are trivial to me therefore, I need guidance--what do I do????  I'm tired of blame always being shifted to me, I'm tired of always feeling like you're sending out the signal that you are single, I'm tired of always having to apologize for being me or feeling how I feel--why should I have to apologize.  If this is not a healthy relationship that makes me feel loved, respected, cherished, protected and safe to return love then it is unhealthy and I cannot do unhealthy right now.  My best friend said "it is obvious he does not want to change, he has had opportunity and has not, he goes back to the same every year once a year because he is not ready to move on with you so it's time to let it go, he will never be who you want or need him to be because he is fine with being who he is that is no one."  I think she is right.

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