sallyj

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I hate winter here.  It is getting really difficult to get through this horrid cold and snow.  There is something so wrong with thinking, "Hey, it's not too bad out this morning" when it is eight degrees.  Eight degrees should never be "not too bad"!

I can't go out for a walk, I get cabin fever, I get grumpy--can you tell--and everything just seems a waste of effort.  Any area of discontent is just that much worse.  I've even applied for a job in Saudi Arabia just to get out of here.  So let's think about this--isolated northwest Iowa vs. a culture in which I wouldn't be allowed to drive, go out in public without being covered from head to toe, and as a single woman would be, at best, suspect in any situation.  Hmm, and that looks like an improvement.  I so need to get out of here. 

A friend of a friend even wrote a little poem that seems to get it just right:

WINTER  Poem

It's winter in Iowa
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Iowa
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Iowa
I'm frozen to the friggin' ground!

But, I am trying to do better--even if it is just one hour at a time.  I did horridly yesterday, but am doing better this morning.  I've even gotten 30 min. of exercise in at lunch.  I keep reminding myself that even if everything else is out of control, I can control what I put in my mouth.  And it does matter.

I'm going to join my workplace's health challenge.  It is with the state program and we set our own goals.  It will be good to have others to be accountable to.  I could just report my efforts, but I think I'll go with using the health center's scale, just so I know that someone else will see it.  Can't fudge it that way:)

I know that once I get really started, I'll be fine.  It is just getting going again.

Too d*** cold!  I hate waking up to the weather report of, "It's currently negative 20 and today's high will be between zero and five degrees."  Yeah right, that makes me want to get out of my nice warm bed.  And there is yet more snow predicted for tomorrow.  Well, at least it is getting me to exercise outside--shoveling snow.  Endless shoveling of snow, sigh.

I am finding that it is easier to get the exercise in at lunch than it is to stop grazing at night.  And Mondays are not good days.  I work until about 11:00 p.m. Sunday night and have to turn around and be at work 7:00 Monday mornings.  I am too tired to think straight much less make good choices.  I did walk 20 minutes at lunch, hoping it would give me some energy (not so much), but at least I did that.  I need to organize my evenings better so I have something to do rather than graze.  I'm think this cold and snow is making me grumpy.  And when grumpy, I don't want to do anything productive. 

I think my next task is going to be to clean out my refrigerator and cabinets of anything I would snack on.  And I need to stay away from the popcorn.  I tend to eat it instead of a high protein meal--not a good choice.

But I will get there.

Well, here it is, yet another new year.  I know the date is arbitrary, but it does provide a nice structure for setting goals and starting new habits.  So I'm starting my new year's resolutions despite my sorry mood (it is too d*** cold here).  The goal is to get down to my lowest weight, 158, and keep it there.  But more importantly, the goal is to develop a mind set that keeps making healthy choices in the forefront and for their own sake and not just for weight control.  So part of it is about weight, part about health, and part about control. 

I was thinking about the reasons I want to lose the regained weight.  After all, I am still so much better than I was, I'm healthy, and most people wouldn't think of me as fat even though my BMI is in the "overweight" category.  So why bother?  That's when the self-control piece came to mind.  I want to feel like I am in control of my eating and be a not mindless eater.  And there is always the slippery slope of a small weight gain leading to a larger weight gain.  And then there is the ever present ego.  I want to be successful at this not just for the success itself but also for the fact of being successful. 

So, I need to keep that in mind.  I need to figure out how to express this in a way that is meaningful and easy to remember so I can continually remind myself as I make choices of what I'm eating.  Just what are the motivators for the change in thinking and behaving?  Long term--health in so many areas, agility, disease prevention, better quality of life, etc.  Short term--vanity, ego, health, improved mood.  So much of my short term motivation is based in things I was always taught were bad things, vanity and ego.  So how do I turn them into good things?  How does one find the balance between healthy self-esteem with ego feeding pride?  And vanity?  Is there a good version of that?  And can that be a strong enough short term motivator?  Maybe if I break it down to smaller things like being able to wear the clothes I like, to not worrying about fitting into chairs or airplane seats.  It seems like the long term goals are easier (and nobler), so maybe I should focus on those.  But maybe, the development of self discipline and ability to deny self for long term goals is a value in itself.  And that has to be worked out in short-term decisions.  I'll have to work on this.

Last day of the year, so time for thinking about new year's resolutions.    While I do try to focus on behaviors, I do also have some goals.  So here goes:

1.  Exercise a minimum of 150 min. a week (this is the amount research suggests is necessary for general health and longevity)
2.  Eat seafood a minimun of twice a week--with the goal being three times
3.  Eat three servings of fruits and veggies a day--with the goal being five servings
4.  Decrease intake of simple carbohydrates such as bread and sugars
5.  Limit sweets to one treat a week
6.  Be more intentional, and picky, about eating--eat only what really tastes good, that satisfies, and that meets nutritional needs
7. Don't buy foods I know are trigger foods for me
8.  Be thoughtful about change in behavior and what habits of thought hinder me
9.  Do new things, especially physical ones such as snow sledding, horseback riding, and trying the climbing wall
10.  Laugh more and end everyday with gratitude

My goal with these resolutions is to  reinforce my better eating habits and exercise.  I want to become stronger and to focus on fitness as well as health.  I want to be able to do the climbing wall come spring, so I need to start working on some upper body strength.  And I'd like to see if I can get some more flexibility out of my knees.  The weight goal is to get back down to my lowest weight and maintain it.

If nothing happens today, I will have managed to go an entire year without winding up in the hospital--first time in four years! 

I think I want to find an exercise buddy--someone to be accountable to.  Especially someone who knows about using exercise bands as the walking and biking bit is easier for me.  I am thinking about joining the Hy-Vee 10 week program just to have some accountability.  And it could be a way of meeting new people.  It costs money I don't really want to spend, but it is affordable and cheaper than a gym.

So here's to another great year with new adventures--and maybe one with a winter somewhere warmer.  I've been doing a lot of snow shoveling and wearing my shoulder out.  But in the midst of all the "enough of this already,"  I have to say, there was a touch of pleasure at even being able to do it.  A few years ago there would have been no way.  When I was heavy, I was stubborn about being able to do things--being strong enough despite my size.  But then, with the weight loss, there was also a loss of muscle.  And I didn't have the ego need to have to be strong; and there was even a bit of feeling more feminine because I wasn't strong in that way.  But now there is a new pleasure in being able to do physical things, so I think my mind is in a better place to start intentionally building strength.  And, it is a good thing to be strong as one ages.  Helps keeps one healthy and capable of taking care of one's self.

 

The weekend just flew by!  I am so behind in getting ready for Christmas.  I just decided Saturday to make an afghan for a gift and didn't get the yarn until Sunday.  So I have just three more days to get it finished--and a mincemeat pie and a batch of sugar cookies that I told others I would make for them.  But at least when I'm this busy, I don't have time to get myself into too much trouble.

I went out to eat twice Saturday--not my normal habit--but found I did pretty well.  I tend to do okay at most restaurants because I really don't like their food that well and it does seem to be pretty filling.  And they always give so much!  I worry that people will think there is something wrong with it.  (Usually it is just underseasoned or of just average quality.)  This area is not known for great food, so that helps with things not being that enticing.  And most of the people I go out with aren't into desserts--my weakness.  So that helps too.

Just one more Christmas party and a New Year's Eve party to go and then everyone will be in the healthy eating (for a few weeks) while trying to stick to their New Year's resolutions!  My resolutions this year are to eat seafood at least three times a week for at least two weeks out of the month and to limit my bread and sweets to one a day.  Those are my temptations.

I didn't get home until almost midnight last night and then stayed up another 30 min. knitting (got to get that afghan done!), so was not excited about getting up this morning at 6:00.  But I did go ahead and exercise for 15 min., so I am pleased with myself.  I'll get the 20 min. walk in at lunch today, so that will keep me on track for the week.  And as much as I wanted to stay in bed, I know I do better when I get my morning biking in.  Oh how I hate it when exercise proves itself useful and good for me! 

Goal today--no sweets.

Thank goodness--the end of the "eating season" has finally come at work!  We are way too good at throwing Christmas potlucks.  Every floor and building seems to have one as well as the offical Christmas luncheon.  I just got an email that the last one, planned for next Monday, was cancelled.  I never thought I'd be so relieved.  I try to be selective and smart about my choices, but I'm not always as good as my intentions. 

But I am still getting in my walking every day.  And I've started a new knitting project to help with the evening boredom eating.  So my goals are still in place. 

I suspect I am starting to go through some early perimenepause symptoms--sleep disruption and an occassional "warming."  Not hot flashes yet, but definitely warming.  I can't decide if that's a bad thing as I am usually cold!

Only one or two more Christmas parties to make it through; I can do this.

I've been getting in at least 20 min. of exercise--pretty moderate--most days and cutting way back on the baked goods for a couple of weeks now and have already lost about 11 of the 20 lbs. I want to.  I know, as always, the first weight is the easy weight, but I'll take it.  Part of it just shows me how much I must have been eating--it's easy to forget how many calories cookies and muffins have.  I appreciate how some of the better cooking magazines, Fine Cooking and Bon Appetite now have nutrition information available.  Boy will that shock you out of reaching for that piece of cake! 

My goals are pretty managable--2 lbs. a month until I'm at my lowest weight and then maintaining.  I know I can go up or down a pound or more just within one day, so I have to keep that in mind as well.  Next I'll be sure to get an a.m. appointment not when it's pms time!  In the back of my mind there is always the "why not try for a 29.5 BMI and be at a normal weight."  I just don't think that is reasonable for my body.  Now if I could just take the extra weight off my legs--hey, then I'd go for it! 

But back to goals:  to achieve them, my plan is to 1) exercise at least 20 min. a day for six days a week and 2) allow myself only one bread/baked product per day.  So if I have toast with breakfast, no crackers at lunch.  And if I want a cookie/muffin as a snack, well no toast with breakfast. 

That seems like goals I can achieve.  After all, I figure this is a lifetime process, so I need to make my behaviors things I can do for a lifetime.

I have been trying to get in a minimum of 20 minutes of exercise a day and cut back on my treats this week.  So far I haven't been "perfect" but I can already tell the difference in my clothes and on the scale.  While I know part of the big number is water weight, it is good to see what I do making a difference.

A few days ago, while my mind was rambling as I biked, I thought about how I typically don't see any success I have as being of my doing (yet I'm always quick to accept blame!).  Even with the loss of 240 pounds, I didn't really see that as an achievement because it was "due to the surgery."  I know people say how it still isn't easy, that the surgery isn't "the easy way out," but in some ways it was for me.  It was easy because I didn't have the hunger, I got full, and the weight came off.  The surgery was the difference between this effort and all previous weight loss efforts, so surely, it was the surgery's doing, not mine. 

But then I regained--and I knew exactly why.  It was because of what I was and wasn't doing.  So the success/failure really was of my doing.  I would have lost weight with the surgery regardless of my efforts--at first and to a degree.  But not as much.  I can "take credit" for my success.  Maybe for others, this isn't a big deal, but as someone who struggles with self-esteem, this is an effort.  So as I continue to link my behavior--both eating and exercising--to my weight, I'm going to try to let that encourage me.  I still believe that a lot of weight issues are beyond one's control, I need to take control where I can.  That's one of the things about the RNY that is important to me: it doesn't make it so I never have to diet again, but that when I do, my efforts make a difference.  My body is working with me instead of against me.

Here's to getting back down to my lower weight.

Had my four year check up and, yes, I have regained the dreaded 10%.  Well, not quite a full 10% but close.  Why is it that the weight gain is more "powerful" when seen on the doctor's scale than on my own?!  Time to do something about it.  This time next year, I will be back to my lower weight and have maintained it.

I am a big believer in internal motivation (which I do have), but I also recognize that sometimes external motivation is necessary as well.  I've always had a bit of the "please the authority" motivation in me.  It worked well for me in college--didn't want my professors to think I was an idiot--so I might as well use that to my benefit again.  I don't want the doctor to think I can't keep the weight off.  Pride rears its ugly head so I might as well make use of it. 

I've made an appointment to meet with the exercise person in the program next week.  I need to get some specific goals and some ideas on how to reinvigorate my exercise program.  Maybe develop a couple of routines to switch out.  With winter coming (too cold to exercise outside), I need some exercises that will work with my stiff knees and arthritic feet.  And a dog that jumps and barks everytime I try to exercise in the house (other than my stationary bike).  I don't know if he doesn't like the unfamiliar movement (which says something about how infrequent I do it) or just wants to play along.  But it makes exercise a bit more of a nuisance. 

I know my lack of good sleep isn't helping either.  Tough to want to get up early to exercise when you've only had four hours of sleep.  I keep thinking it must be stress, but I don't know that I am really all that stressed out.  I've been stressed out before and it didn't feel like this.  I feel fine, not fretful or worried, just tired.  Part of it is just my schedule--working 60+ hours a week will wear on a person. 

But now it is also time to quite the baking and eating of sweets.  I've gotten back into that habit.  Why is it the things that are bad for us are just so easy to eat!  I need to work on finding ways of meeting the carb/sweet cravings with other things--beans? fruit? spicy foods?  And I want to get more fish in my diet.  Ah, so many plans but now it comes down to the doing.  I guess I can see this as a jump on the New Year's resolutions.

I'm having Thanksgiving with a friend's family (who doesn't know about my surgery), so it will be interesting to see how they respond to how slowly I eat.  Last Thanksgiving was with a friend who had the surgery so she understood.  (But I still ate too quickly!)

Even with the weight gain, I am so very thankful for the surgery and the difference it has made in my life.  I do remember the physical pain and the psycological discomfort the weight was causing.  The quality of my life has drastically improved.  There is just so much to be grateful for.

I have hit the four year mark.  I have my yearly check up next week, so I'll see how everything is going nutritionly then.  I was a bit low on the protein last year, so I hope to be up a bit this year. 

I have put on a few pounds, but I know why--and what to do about it.  I've been "frustration" baking.  I get frustrated at work, so I bake.  I do give most of it away, but I do still taste and try more than I should.  It allows me to be creative--and complete a task and involve others, which is a bit different from the knitting.  The knitting is creative and I, usually, complete the project, but it is more solitary. 

Also, exercise has been less attractive, shall we say.  I am not getting enough sleep most nights to want to get up early enough to bike.  I need to develop another exercise plan--maybe one that involves walking at work.  Winter is coming, so I know I won't want to walk outside.  And I am needing to watch my pennies, so no gym membership.

So, while I need to get myself in gear to lose these ten pounds, I still know that I can.  I know how to say no, and if I think before I eat, I can say no to myself.  Usually the food isn't even that tasty.  I think my taster is off.  I just don't take the time to think before hand. 

I am going to try to finish my dissertation, so maybe I can draw up a parallel exercise and dissertation time table! 

I'll post again after my yearly check up.