sallyj

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Thought I should do an update.  Things have been going well.  I've kept the weight off and now range from 156 to 170 depending on the time of month and my behavior.  When it gets on the high side, I cut back on calories (especially carbs) and do more exercise.  What I love now is that my efforts actually make a difference.  I don't feel like I am always fighting a losing battle against my own body.

I have had both my knees done--total knee replacements--and cannot imagine trying to go through that at my previous weight.  I couldn't have done the physical therapy!  Now when they put the 2 pound weights on my ankle, I can tell the difference in effort.  And to think before each leg was carrying so much more. 

I still go to support group twice a month.  I think it is good to keep me on track and accountable.  I don't want to be one who regains and having people who can tell if I am around helps motivate me.  I had my three year check-up and the doctor was very pleased.  Said I am one of his most successful patients.  I don't know why, but I am very thankful.  I do have to work on getting my protein count up--it was on the low end of normal--so that will be my focus this year.  I did start doing the B12 shots monthly because that was low last year.  But the nurse at work gives those to me, so each cost less than $3.

I'm looking forward to spring and being able to walk around the lake with my new knees. 

I guess I just want to post this to encourage the SMO people that one can lose the weight--even 240 lbs.--and keep it off.  I know it was important for me to find people who had. 

I had my first date on Friday.  I was so busy ahead of time that I really didn't have much chance to worry.  I did have to go straight from work so there was no chance to "doll up."  It was just take me as I am from work.  But I try to dress professionally at work anyway, so I didn't look sloppy or anything. 

The gentleman was very nice, and I had a good time, but there weren't any sparks.  He has some health issues that make him act a bit older than he really is--and he's already older than me.  Actually, I'd prefer to meet someone younger than me!  I don't feel my age and want to go and do and try new things.  This girl just wants to have fun.  So, I'm back at the pond, fishing around.  Maybe the next bite will be more in line with what I'm interested in.  

I needed a professional head shot taken, so I went to a local grocery store that has a portrait studio.  I do hope the problem was with the photographer!  I had so many bad pictures!  It was so discouraging.  I feel so much better than I look.  Thank goodness for the soft focus button.  I did get a couple that worked, but I was so disappointed to see how I really look in my favorite suit.  I felt great in it, but in the pictures, I just look, well, short and dumpy.  

Combining the interest in serious dating and the bad photos, I am more determined to check into thighplasty and a butt lift.  I don't know when or where I'll get the money, but I have too many years left (at least I hope I do!) to always feel this bad about my lower half.  Boy do I need to win the lottery.  

And so far, there's no reduction in my leg swelling from the acupunture therapy.  But it has only been one week.

I had my first acupuncture treatment yesterday.  I am still concerned about the swelling in my lower legs and the fact that my left calf is significantly larger than my right one.  My PCP said it wasn't edema but didn't have much else to offer.  After hearing about the use of acupunture in surgery, I thought I might as well give it a try.  And its not something that will do harm even if it doesn't do any good.  Well, maybe some harm to my bank balance (but really the cost isn't too bad).

I was pleasantly surprised by the lack of any sense of the needles--there's just a small tap when they are applied but no pain like from getting a shot.  After they are applied (I had 17), I just laid there for about 10 minutes.  Then it's done.  I'm doing it twice a week at first and then it will go down to just once a week and then eventually just as needed.  I do hope this helps.  I know my legs are never going to be "pretty," but I would like to have them in a normal range.  I miss being able to wear dresses.  I am grateful that nothing actually hurts, but I am not convinced that something isn't working right.  So maybe this will help both the physical and the cosmetic problems.

I have started back exercising in the morning--which I hate to get up for--but it does make a difference.  Don't you just hate it when people are right about something you hate to do!  Even when I am tired, I still feel more energetic after exercising.  It's just dragging myself to the bike and doing it.  

But I need to start thinking about maintaining my overall health and doing this for that rather than just doing things in orde to lose weight.  All my life my real health concerns were wrapped up in losing weight.  I dieted--to lose weight; I exercised--to lose weight; every medical concern was linked to weight.  And now, the weight is gone.  I still need to be concerned about my weight but in a different way.  I need to keep the weight off, but that will happen as a result of living in a way that keeps me healthy.  So it is more the result than the goal.  Something new to get my head around. 

The old year is over and a new one begun.  For once my New Year's resolution isn't to lose more weight--just to maintain the loss.  I actually made it to my goal of 158 for the New Year, 157.6 to be exact.  But I can tell I'm going to need to keep up the exercise to stay there.

But my real resolution is to start challenging myself to get out of my "box."  So this year I am going to learn to ride a horse (I'm a bit scared of horses) and do the climbing wall at the recreation center (I'm a bit scared of heights).  And I want to try to establish some dating relationships, even if nothing comes of them.

I actually even have a date this week.  I've never really dated because of my size.  My mother drilled into me that no man would be interested in me because of my weight but if they were, that was proof they were a pervert.  No good man would want a fat woman.  Now I have known that is not true for many years (just look around), but I accepted it for myself.  so I just closed off that part of my life.  Now that I look "normal," I have decided to try and pursue that aspect of life.  Not that there's a lot out there who would be interested in me, but why not at least get into the fish pond!'

I think in some ways thinking about the changes I want to make in my own life with the weight no longer holding me back, I can see how scary this could be for couples.  As a single person I can make all sorts of changes, try out different things, and just affect me.  If I were married, all those desires would have to be moderated by concern for the one I love.  That would have to be a tough balancing act.  

But here's to a good new year and lots of new experiences and self discovery. 

I now have all my arm staples out.  I went to the doctor's office last Friday to have them removed, but my left arm was giving me a bit of trouble.  It looks like I might have had a bit of an infection starting.  So the nurse left a patch of the staples still in, gave me an refill on the antibiotics, and scheduled me for a return yesterday.  I could tell within 24 hours of starting the second round of antibiotics that there was improvement.  And my dog proved once again that he is a good dog--he could smell the infection.  He kept nosing at the part of my arm that was causing the problem the night before I went in.  Actually, he was wanting to lick it, but fortunately I had it wrapped.  For all their sense of smell, dogs must not have any taste buds considering all the icky stuff they want to lick or eat!  

But all is doing well now.  I do keep my arms wrapped during the day.  I just like the support it gives the skin.  It probably isn't necessary, but if it isn't doing any harm and it makes me more comfortable, whyever not.  I look forward to a summer without arm worries.  Now I can drive down the road in my Miata with the top down and my arm hanging out--and not cause major wind drag!  

I remember years ago driving in my car and seeing a woman on a bicycle.  She must have been wearing something sleeveless, because I remember thinking, "So that's what a normal woman's arm is supposed to look like."  I worked in women's plus size retail and was used to seeing plus sized bodies.  I don't know why it struck me so, but while my arms still have their  imperfections--and are in no way the model for all womanhood--it is interesting to think they now fit into some "normal' category.

Tonight is our support group Christmas party and "parade of pants."  I am ready for the holiday party season to be over!  I am not doing as well as I should in terms of the sweets.  In two weeks time, I will have ten parties!  But I am being better about not eating something if it really isn't worth eating.  Before, even if a cookie wasn't all that good, I'd still eat it.  Now, if I'm going to be getting the sugar and calories in, it's got to taste good.  (And yesterday I had a bite of the worst deviled eggs! How can you ruin deviled eggs?  I usually love them--but never make them--so it was a big disappointment.)

I won't be able to take a pair of pants to the party because it appears my one pair of saved "big pants" was stolen.  I had them in the trunk of my "winter car"--an old '89 Chevy Corsica.  The car was at the mechanics and someone took it from the lot.  Now, seeing how the transmission was going, the brakes were weak, there was a crack in the head gasket, and the anti-freeze was leaking into something it shouldn't, why would anyone chose to steal that car?!  How could the steal it?  The mechanic could barely get it to start and drive into the bay to check it out!  Plus it was full of junk in the back seat (a mini storage unit!) and just covered with dog hair.  Even the back window was bleary with Spenser's nose prints from when he barks at the passing cars.  The only other piece of big clothing I have is a jacket (also covered with dog hair but at least no nose prints!).  I'll take that, but I am a bit disappointed to lose the pants as the difference seems more dramatic with them.

I had my arm surgery revision on the 4th, and I think it went well.  This time I had it in his office surgery rather than in the hospital--this way it didn't cost me any extra.  Whatever he gave me to put me out worked fine--just a bit of nausea afterwards but there wasn't anything to throw up!  It was weird having dreams of space flight and ice flows; whatever was I watching on tv the night before?  The pain has been significantly less this time around.  I'm taking a darvocet at night still to help, but the bigger problem is itching.  I took a Benedril yesterday and that seemed to help.  But fortunately, no painkillers with codine.  That really plugged me up, big time.  

I think I'll be happy with the results.  The way the extra "glob" was above my elbows makes it difficult to get rid of.  But this looks like it will be an improvement.  And now I know this is about as good as it can get, so that's fine with me.  I go in Friday to have the staples removed--first surgery with staples.  They look a bit Frankenstein-ish.  I do hope it doesn't hurt.  I'm such a wimp!  I do remember hearing the staples being put in but not being able to feel it.  That was a bit weird, gradually becoming aware of things being said and done during surgery even without feeling them.  

I finally got a perscription for the B12 so the nurse here can give them to me.  It will cost me about $12 for 10 months versus the $20 a month the doctor charges.  I don't mind them charging the $20 as it takes time and provides a service, but I am glad I have access to a nurse to do it for me.  Helps with the budget woes.

This is potluck season--I have four this week and five next week to go to and a total of four I have to bring food to.  On one hand I have always been pretty picky at potlucks as I am not all that wild about a lot of people's cooking, but on the other hand, what I'm not as picky about is the sweet and snacking kinds of things!  I'm trying to bring healthier choices for my offering, but it is still a tough call to say no to fudge.  I did get down to 156.6 at my last weigh in, so my goal is to get to 155 by New Year's day.  Need to be smart about the potlucks and get back on the exercise bike!

It has now been two years since my surgery.  I kind of feel like I'm at the "closure" point on the first leg of this journey.  Now the rest will be ongoing maintanance.  I'm down to about 160 (give or take depending on the time of month) for a stable weight.  My original goal was 170, so I'm past that.  I now wear an 8-10 in tops and a 12-14 in pants.  My BMI is in the overweight category.  Blood pressure, cholesteral, etc. are all fine.  My B12 is a bit low, so I'll supplement my monthly shots with some sublingual pills to help that.  But in terms of health, I am doing great.  

My only "complications" have been constipation--fiber is my friend--and a reaction to the red dye #40 in the Flintstones.  I do throw up now and again if I eat too fast, don't chew well enough, or eat something too sweet (such as my beloved Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream  but I don't need that anyway.) 

It is strange to think of the physical changes over the last two years.  I have gone from hurting so much that I couldn't even go to the store for more than fifteen minutes to being able to take hour long walks.  My knees still give me grief, but I can sleep at night without the constant knee and back pain.  And when I get up, I don't start off the day dreading it and thinking of myself as monterous.  No more Jabba the Hut in the mirror.  I've never been a high energy person--no type A in me--but I can now go as long as I want rather than not even doing anything because of the pain.  I still may not do my dishes like I should, but it isn't because I hurt too much to stand at the sink!

It is such a pleasure to be able to feel like I quite literally fit into the world now.  I don't fret about chairs in public--I now fit--or on a bus or airplane.  I go to the symphany now because I don't have to worry about not fitting in the seats (now if they were only decent muscians!).  I can get through tight spaces--and some that just look tight--without feeling ashamed of my need for more space.   In some ways, I now feel like I have the right to the space I take.  That was a big childhood issue for me, so that is a big change.

It is diffifcult to put some of the emotional and psychological issues down clearly.  But I remember the first time I felt like I had a right to medical service.  Before there was always the obesity between me and any health care issue.  Clearly I wasn't taking care of myself, so what right did I have to medical care? Maybe it is more of the shame factor.  But now, while I still have my reservations about the medical profession, I at least feel like I have the right to get the care.  And until I change doctors, I won't have to be harped at about being overweight!  They know where I started.  

I suspect now the focus will be more on the emotional and psychological issues that I need to work on while I maintain the weight loss.  I have noticed lately the re-emergence of feelings and fears that I have had to deal with before, but now I have to address without the numbing of food.  I still have to deal with my desire for acknowledgement--so often I feel invisible--and purpose.  And of course loneliness.  But these are issues other people have to deal with as well.  And now that the weight is off, at least I can try to meet more people to build a better social network.  Now when people reject me though, it will becasue they reject me and not just my size--that's a bit scary!

I have found that I am able to see aspects of my personality that I really didn't think so much about before.  In the past I would do things that were a bit bold and just chalk it up to necessity.  But now I see that I really do have a daring streak in me.  I moved half way cross the country--alone and to a place I knew no one when I was 19--just to get a fresh start.  Now I can see how that willingness to take big steps and make major changes is really a part of who I am.  I need to find a way to recognize that as a good thing and use it to support my sense of self.  

So what have been some of the challenges:
Eating lukewarm food
Eating slowly--especially in the company of others
Finding suitable breakfast foods
The cost of replacing multiple wardrobes
Not going overboard talking to friends about wls
Eating when I don't feel like it but need to
Throwing away food
Eating protein in summer
Getting tired of chewing
Exercising--too boring, too sweaty, too early in the morning
Having my sleep habits change
Figuring out how to dress my new body shape
Still having cravings during PMS
Filling up the time I used to spend eating


But on to the cheerier things:  small things that mean a lot to me now--
I can cross my legs
I can paint my toenails
I can shop in regular stores
I don't feel guilty at the grocery store--let them see what I'm buying!
I can go braless (post reduction surgery)
I can be seen in a swimsuit with only a bit of trepidation because of my legs
I can sit in the middle seat of an airplane without "spill over"
I can wear sexy lingere
I can rake my own leaves (next summer it's mowing!)
I look good
I can turn over in bed without major effort
I can fit into my Miata
I can try new things that might even be embarrassing
I can be just me with all my flaws and virtues and go with it.

Now my goal is to maintain the loss and maybe get down to 158 so I can hit the 240 pound loss.  That just rolls off the tongue a bit easier than 238!  If I could ever afford it (lottery gods listening?!), I would have my legs done and my butt lifted.  And a nip and tuck in the neck area wouldn't be too bad either! 

I'm having the area above my elbows worked on a bit more in a couple of weeks.  I just had so much excess skin in the arms that it was tough for them to get it all and keep the right shape.  I also had a breast reduction--and while I am not 100 percent pleased with it, I think that the issue again goes back to my original shape and amount that needed removing.  I'm a tough smaller than I had planned--a B instead of a C--but in the long run that's okay.  I even had to buy a padded push up bra!  Me who was in a J cup.  What wonderful irony.  But now I get to buy the pretty bras instead of the old grandma bras built like architectural structures.  

But I think it was the tummy tuck that made the biggest impact on how I see my body.  Finally, I could actually see my body as a normal female.  I don't have to wear a panty girdle (not that I still couldn't use one to stop the jiggle in back); I don't have that roll that made me feel so self conscious, and I guess it just made me feel, well normal.  I can buy the cute panties instead of the briefs because now I don't hang out of the legs.

So what plans do I have for next year?  Well, first of course is to keep off the weight and maybe lose a bit more.  Just to get the pants more comfortable and in line with the top.  But I do also need to get myself out a bit more and meet new people and do new things.  So, I think I'll try taking a rock climbing lesson as we have the climbing wall in town.  And horseback riding.  I'm not all that comfortable around big animals, so maybe that will be a good way to get over that as well as a new activity.  And I am thinking of trying out a local singles dance that does line dancing.  I have next to no coordination, but I have always loved the idea of being able to dance.  Also, I need to start looking for a new job.  I don't want to stay here much longer, and this is the last year of the grant.  It's always good to go when things are up rather than down.

So that's my two year reflection.  Of course, no blog could really capture what it has been like fully, but it is good to have a summary.  It has been such a wonderful thing for me.  I do hope everyone else has such a great experience.

Next week is my two year anniversary, so I've been thinking about this process quite a bit.  There is a part of me that wishes I had done this years ago while I still had more lifetime ahead of me.  It can be frustrating to feel better than I have for years and be middle aged!  

But I was also thinking about how in some ways I used my weight to protect the "real" me.  I am a bit of an odd duck in that what I value and care about don't fit into the tidy categories of most people.  When I took the Myers-Briggs Personality Preference Inventory, I fell into the least common category!  And the  characteristics are ones that are valued in men but not in women--do that's a double wammy.  I learned early in life not to share the things that matter because, at best, they won't be appreciated or understood, or, at worst, will be used against me.  

So I'm thinking (a little self-analysis here), with my obesity, I was setting people up to reject me because of my size not because of who I was.  After all, how many would bother to get to know me--and not to love me?!  

But now, I have reached a point in life that I am stronger in my own sense of value and comfort with my personality.  So if people do reject me because of who I am, that's not as devastating.  Still not fun, but it doesn't send me into a depression.  I just don't expect most people to like the things I do or think the way or do.  

Not so say this is a good reason to be obese or that it wouldn't have been better to not be obese and learn how to deal with the emotional fear.  Who knows what might have been.  But at least now I have a bit more self-understanding to temper the regret.

On a completely different note, yesterday I was shopping and stopped at a Victoria's Secret.  I've tried a couple of their bras on but couldn't find a good fit.  I thought I'd try their new air bra.  Actually it fits quite well and gives me a better shape.  But I had to laugh as someone who skipped training bras and when straight into a C cup--I actually bought a padded bra!  This is so great. 

It was my birthday yesterday--and I'm not all that thrilled about it!  I never was much of one for getting older, and now that I am feeling good and can do stuff, I like it even less.  I wish I could have had this surgery years ago--I wonder what my life would have been like then.  But we can't turn back the clock (even with plastic surgery, so I might as well just deal with it.

I do think about what kind of old woman I want to be.  I don't want to be one of those who sit around and moan why am I still alive and just have no reason to get up.  Even if it is just sitting there listening to books on tape with the volume all the way up (blind and deaf!), I want to still use my brain.  Maybe I'll have a dog or cat to keep me up and moving.  It's a bit more complex without family to keep track of you.  I don't have money now, so I know I'll not have money then, so that will limit my choices.  But I do know I want to be a "nice" old lady instead of one who thinks that just because I'm old I can say hateful things.  I guess I should continue to work on my patience now!

But despite all that, life is still good.  It is very busy though and has been for over a month now.  I can't seem to get caught up with rest.  I'm tired too often.  I do wonder if my iron is low.  I had a bit of a spark when I got my B12 shot, but now I'm heading into PMS and that always slows me down.  But it just seems like I have more tired weeks than energized weeks.  I should probably track my protein again as well.  And I know that the stress is up as well as time demands.  I'm doing more, so it makes sense that I'm tired.  But I don't have the time to exercise--which helps with energy levels.  So there are a lot of things conspiring against me.  I haven't been able to fall asleep as quickly as I used to--often I'm awake for another hour or more.  So last night I decided to stay up until I was really tired and see if that helped me go to sleep faster.  Nope, just made me sleepier (and grumpier) this morning.  It's so bad that I even stopped and got a coffee!  Only the second coffee I've had in two years.  Well, it is only half coffee, half steamed milk (with a shot of sf syrup), so it isn't that much coffee.  The other coffee was decaf, but not this one.  And boy, is it good.  But I will not get into the coffee habit.  

I have my blood work done at the end of the month, so I'll ask my doctor about the tiredness.  I'm gathering a list of questions for him.  Poor guy, I only go once a year usually, so I have to ask him everything then, so he gets barraged with my laundry list of issues!

Well, on to a productive day.  And next week I get to go to Reno!

I didn't post any in September--it was pretty uneventful wls-wise but very busy at work.  I've even had some dreams about not getting everything done--a sure sign of stress for me.  I haven't had one of those dreams in a very long time.  I definately need to figure out what I can delegate.  

In terms of weight I am back to the range of 162 to 165.  I'm happy with that.  I'm still trying to get down a bit more but without any real fuss.  I don't need to lose any more on top, but I good stand to lose more in the legs and hips.  But they will always be squishy and with loose skin and flab.  But that's why there's pants!  Thank goodness I don't live in an age of skirts only.  

I'm still exercising but not as regularly.  And I'm trying to get myself to think of it as for long term health rather than for weight loss.  I do wonder if so much of my focus all these years has been on just weight to the detriment of health.  I know it is easy to say--and mean--that the weight loss is for health reasons, but then when the weight is off, the numbers--158 vs. 164--on the scale can take over.  

I've been so very tired these past few weeks due to the stress at work.  I'll have to chaeck my B12 shot due date.  I just hate spending the extra money right now.  But I do think I figured out the source of my skin reactions--the red dye #40 in the Flintstones.  I took them for just a couple of days and a new spot appeared on my stomach.  I stopped them, went to a dye free version, and the spot disappeared.  Of course, the new version tastes even worse, is bigger, and cost more!    But at least no more spots (new ones anyway).

I did go to a grand opening of a clinic that does lipodisolve to see if that is an option for my legs.  I didn't like the fact that the doctors don't do the procedures just the nurses.  And I don't think it would do anything for me.  You do have to have a normal BMI or they won't do it.  They have a diet program they want to sell you instead.  When I go for my checkup with the plastic surgen, I might ask about what there might be available for future reference.  Nothing will happen now unless I win the lottery!

It's my birthday this month, and I have to admit, I'm not very happy about it.  I wish I had done this ten/twenty years ago.  I'm a bit put out that I finally feel this good and I'm not young to take advantage of it!  Nothing I can do about it :(