sallyj

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I've been going up and down a lot these last few days, but I am back down again to 159.  I do think I'm going to aim for 152 to get into the normal BMI range.  That will be my goal for my 2 year mark in November.  

Yesterday I went window shopping as I had time I needed to kill and no money.  I've discovered that I can wear regular shoes from the department store.  For years now my feet have been so fat that I could never find shoes to fit at a regular store.  And any amount of heal was too much.  I will say, I do have wide feet and bad arches, so that will remaina part of the problem until death do us part!  But I can actually wear the 9 or 91/2 shoes that the stores carry.  I struggled so to find shoes that, while not cute, at least weren't ugly.  And now I have three pairs of cute sandels!  Purchased on sale at the department store instead of special ordered at $120 a pop.  Not that I wouldn't love some of the more expensive shoes, but just to have an option is wonderful.

Then I lied to a store owner.  I said I had a formal occasion this winter that I was shopping for so I could justify trying on some beautiful ball gowns!  There was one in an expresso colored taffeta that was just stunning.  I felt so special.  I almost would by the dress just to put on and go nowhere just for that feeling!  Man, I need to find a special occasion and an escort for just one night.  I love formal wear but don't have the life to match!  

I've walked around the lake here twice now in the last two weeks.  Once a week is about all my knees can take.  But I noticed this week that it was just a bit easier.  So my goal now is to walk it once a week until the weather gets too bad.  The only down side is that I take my dog with me.  (He has put on 6 pounds this year because of me feeding him leftovers!  So he needs the exercise as well.)  This time he bounded off into the woods after a deer and came back covered with grass burrs.  He's a sheltie so has lots of long hair to catch all of these.  He looked like a dog in woodland camo!  It took me about an hour to get them out once we got home.  He wasn't all that thrilled about my efforts either, ungrateful mutt! :)  I did leave the ones in the most tender areas for him to pull out--which he did--while on my bed.  So I had to clean out the bed before the cat got on it and covered with burrs.  And, of course, before I got into it.

It feels so good being able to make choices to walk around a lake, to not worry about fitting into the life you want, to try one fancy dresses even if just for make believe.  I hope regular sized people enjoy these small pleasures since they have never been deprived of them.  

Here's to more good times.

I was surprised this past Sunday to weigh 159.  So I've actually gone down more than I ever expected.  I guess the weight gain last week was PMS related.  I have to get my head wrapped around this new number and decide how important it is for me.  Do I want to work to maintain this or just see it as a bonus and keep 170 my goal, giving myself some wiggle room for "bounce back"?  I was putting the weight in my record chart that I keep and realized that if I get to 153 I will have a "Normal" BMI.  That is only six pounds!  Do I want to work for that?  Wouldn't it be a hoot to be normal weight after so many years of super morbid obesity.  

I'm not doing a lot to lose more weight.  I still eat some things I shouldn't.  I'm not exercising much yet since the tummy tuck.  But I did walk around the lake (3.7 miles)--without dying but still not fun--on Saturday.  Maybe if I can just to that twice a month, it will be enough to maintain with some swimming and biking weekly.

After all this time, I am just now starting to see myself as thin.  Not really "thin" but at a normal weight.  My legs are still the bane of my vain existence--droopy sausages--but otherwise, I'm not bad.  The tummy tuck has really helped with this.  

I know my two years is coming up soon, so I need to stay on top of things and not regain.  I'm working on being pickier about my food, paying attention to whether poor choices are really worth it (no to KFC--yes to too much watermelon), and throwing out (not feeding it to the dog) food that I buy impulsively and just eat a bite of.   My poor puppy is gaining weight.  I don't look forward to his vet visit this month.  Maybe we'll have to go around the lake before hand!

This surgery has been amazing.  I am continually caught off guard by just the little things.  Well, the fact that things are little and actually fit me!  Even my panties shock me by how small they look.  

Now if I could just top it all off by winning the lottery!

I've gone from 162 post tummy tuck to 166 without any real change in what I am doing.  I expect part of the orginial lose was due to the surgery, so I'm not surprised that some has come back.  Also, it is PMS-ish time and that might be part of it.  The surgery threw off my period, so I'm not sure when that will actually start.  I am starting to get my monthly pre-period pimples, so it should be in about a week.

I am still carrying a lot of fluid on the tummy, but don't really want to do the draining thing with the big needle.  I'm hoping my body will just absorb it all without intervention.  It is a bit uncomfortable--and strange looking--but okay in general.  I really look forward to all being healed and the surgeries over.

I found out yesterday that my surgeon was on Jay Leno last night--well, his ad was.  He has a weekly ad in the paper about his obesity/bariatric surgery seminars.  Leno made fun of the "space limited" line on the ad, linking it to the size of the patients and size of the room.  I wish I had seen it.  Fortunately, my surgeon took it in good humor.  Personally, I think it is kind of funny.

I am getting my energy back slowly and even did about 15 minutes on the stationary bike this morning.  I know that isn't much, but it's the first I've done since the TT.  I figure I will increase that a bit each day to get back up to my regular.  I so look forward to being able to go swimming again, but that will be determined by how well my skin heals.

Last evening I started really hurting--sharp pains--that I wasn't quite sure what they were.  I thought it might be gas or constipation.  They started around 4:30 and I didn't get home until about 7:30 at which time they were worse.  I ate some beans (yes, gassy by high fiber) and surprisingly that helped.  I don't know if the pain was from my guts being hungry or what the deal was. 

The next couple of weeks are going to be really busy, as the term will be starting soon.  I'm looking forward to things being normal and me getting through the rest of the year without another surgery.  My poor body has been so good to me after I have been so bad to it.  I ate it into massiveness, wacked on its guts, starved it, wacked on it somemore, and the wacked and pulled it all back together yet again.  It has done so well with healing--and tolerating me not babying it because I was bored and wanted to get back to work.  Ah, the blessing of coming from Irish peasant stock!

They were moving my office yesterday, so I took the day off to go shopping.  I was a bit disappointed in that I still wear the same size slacks after the tummy tuck.  I was hoping to go down at least a size.  Maybe I will a bit in the stomach, but my legs will always cause me to need wider pant legs.  I just hope I'll be able to fit the nice slacks I ordered for September.  I can do a size 8 top, so it is odd needing a 14 pant.  

I did discover I really do fit a petite cut better in most things.  They fit better along the back and upper arms.  So that doesn't leave me many places to shop.  I was able to find a couple of outfits at Talbots and soem really good deals at the department store here. 

In all the trying on, I really became aware of my new body shape.  I now have low hip/thigh curves like my sister had.  I don't have much of a rear--and now no tummy--so these curves just seem a bit low to me.  I don't have much waist at this point, but maybe a bit more will develop as time goes by and the swelling goes down.  Fortunately, most of the "love handles" of skin are gone, but there's still a bit.  I guess my greatest frustration is my chest.  I love being a size C, but I'm not sure that I really am.  I don't seem to have much shape at all there.  The size was reduced, but I don't think the ps did much, or any, shaping.  It's kind of like man boobs.  There's nothing femine about them.  And I can't find a bra that I fit right.  I don't fill out even most B cups because my shape is wrong.  So I am a bit disappointed in that outcome.

I keep reminding myself that the reality of what I started with impacts the results I wound up with.  I would probably need additional reconstructive surgery to get me looking "normal" naked.  I'm just not ready for that.  I am happy with how I look dressed, which is what I am most of the time.  Even as is, I am so much happier than I was.  So while I'm still a bit off in terms of my body, I am still so far ahead of the game that all is good.

I had the tummy tuck on the 11th and am doing well.  I still feel a bit like I've been kicked in the gut, but it is a managable discomfort.   The surgery went well; they took off 7 pounds of skin.  The incision looks great--very neat and thin.  The first night when I got up was not fun--very painful.  I don't know if it was as bad or worse than the RNY.  It was very slow moving, that's for sure.  I stayed in the recliner after that.  Much easier to get in and out of.  Each time I had to get up, it got easier.  

I did have a problem with the JP drains.  For some reason, the fluids wanted to run out of the hole rather than into the drains.  So it was a bloody mess.  Even after adding more stiches, they still drained down my legs.  I did swell a bit in the legs, so the surgeon had me go do an ultrasound of my legs.  I've always carried a lot of weight in my legs and they do swell, so I was actually kind of glad to have it done.  Everything turned out fine--no blood clots of DVT.  I was able to get the tubes out Thurs., just 8 days, so that was good.  Now I'm just keeping on eye out for any fluid retention or swelling.  I don't want to have to have anything drained if I can help it.  

One of the little "wow" moments in this process was discovering that I could feel comfortable about getting medical help.  In the past I felt so undeserving and judged because of my size.  Now I am just a normal human who has a medical need.  That is a cool thing.

The muscles are still sore and swollen, so I'm trying to take it easy.  I've come in to work for a few hours a couple of days now to build up my stamina.  I just need to be sure not to push myself.  

The center spot of skin is still pretty black and unhappy looking, so I'm using a lot of antibactirial cream on it and emu oil on the other skin.  It has blistered some, but nothing is flaking away or getting gross.  Maybe that will heal up without too much trouble.  

I am already really happy with the results.  I don't know what the tummy area itself will be like yet due to the swelling, but I love how I don't have that hanging bulge in the gut.  My pants actually hang down flat.  I haven't had a flat stomach ever that I know of!  And I know weigh less than I did in 10th grade.  I've not only meet my goal of 170, but am actually below it--down to 162.  That gives me a bit of wiggle room for bounce back. 

I now need to put more energy into maintaining the loss and not regaining.  I am so thrilled with the results of this whole process.  It may not be a magic pill, but it has given me the chance to have normal weight concerns rather than be completely hopeless about it all. 

398/162/170

I can't believe what I just did.  I ordered a pant suit and blouse for $1,200!  I've never spent that kind of money on one outfit.  I knew I shouldn't have gone to the trunk showing since it was for a brand I really like.  And the samples were in a size 8--which I fit.  It was so great to be able to try on such wonderful clothes (and the leather was, truly like butter).  The rep was there so I could order just what I wanted--that color blouse but in this style; pants instead of a skirt, the jacket without the pockets.  And when they come in, I'll get a free fitting and alterations (pant and sleeve lengths for sure).  I have always loved beautiful clothes and now I can actually wear them.  But this means I MUST keep the weight off.  Now I have to go through my budget and see how I can cut back.  No more major knitting projects for a while and time to eat the freezer empty.

There seems to be some confusion about what is and isn't covered with the tummy tuck.  I knew the belly button wouldn't be but now they are saying that the muscle tightening that went with the belly button isn't either.  So since I'm not having the belly button, they have to figure out what to charge for the muscle.  All rather frustrating.  I guess I'm the first who didn't want to pay for the belly button and to need the two processes parsed out.  So that means waiting while they figure out what they are going to charge me.  I've taken some out of my savings that should cover it, but I just wish I had known in advance.  

But life is good and I'm getting really excited about having this gut gone.  So, I'll pay it and be happy.

I need to win the lottery to finance my new life!  

I got back from a conference yesterday and was pleased that I hadn't gained any weight.  I am still losing very, very slowly, but at least it is coming off.  I can tell that I am retaining water as well.  But it is summer and I tend to eat more salt than I should.  

I had a couple of nice wow moments while away.  My friend and I went shopping one day.  At one store I found a top I wanted to try on.  The sales person picked up a medium.  I was flattered that by looking at me she guessed I was a medium and not a large.  Actually, in that top I needed a small because of the shoulders (it is stretchy fabric--no way am I a small).  And then at another store, a jacket I liked wasn't available in my size.  The largest they had was an 8.  I tried it on at the urging of my friend--at it fit!  Really fit and not a tight fit.  I know brands run differently, but it was great fun to be in an 8.  I've been aiming for a 12--with a 10 as my secret goal.  

I still haven't found anyone to take me to the surgery center for my tummy tuck--then again I haven't really asked anyone.  I've mentioned that I'm having the surgery and keep hoping someone will ask if I have everything taken care of and is there anything they can do to help?  I guess I'm just going to have to ask outright.  

I hope to lose a bit more before the surgery, but that only gives me two weeks.  And it is so hot that I'm not getting my exercise in.  I need to be more diligent about that.  

But otherwise, things are going well and life is good.  Oh, I did get a promotion/title change.  I really have to wonder if it would have happened if I had not lost the weight.  It is amazing how people's perception of your abilities and future abilities is linked to your appearance.  I guess that should make me mad, but it has been such a fact of life for me that it doesn't even phase me anymore.  I actually understand it, especially when you get beyond just "thick" and into super morbid obese.

I've decided I want to be down to my goal weight by the time I have my tummy tuck, so I've got about 7 more pounds to go.  The surgery is scheduled for the 11th, but I have my pre-op visit on the 9th.  So I'd like to be at goal for that (but I'll take the 11th to give me a little wiggle room!).  So I have about a month.  

Today I started with the "I won't eat anything I didn't plan for."  So far so good but I haven't hit the tough evening hours.  I do have some lovely salmon to fix for dinner, so if I go back to my habit of not eating until 7:00 I should be okay.  I've got my knitting project going to help me eat more slowly.  

And I have resolved to get in at least 30 min. of exercise each day.  I keep running into the pool being too busy for swimming, so I've got the bike at home--both regular and stationary.  My knee is giving me some grief--had a cortizone shot today--so I might have to do the stationary one.

I've got a conference coming up next week, so I'll have to be thoughtful about what I eat out.  Fortunately with everything costing so much I don't get that much food anyway.  

I still eat too much junk food but am working at remembering how horrible I felt afterwards and how much I've wound up throwing away.  And, after all, it is just for a month.  And how fun is it to just worry about 7 pounds instead of 70 or 200 plus!

Much to my surprise, the insurance approval for my tummy tuck was taken care of via phone and fax, so I am now approved under the right code and have a date set.  I'll have it done July 11th.  That puts it after all the work obligations for June and July but before the August ones.  So that turns out to be in the time frame I was wanting.  

I don't have to do all the bloodwork and test ahead of time for this one.  And I checked with HR to make sure how my insurance dates ran since I've already met my deductable and out of pocket expenses.  So I should get by on this one pretty cheaply.  Now I just need to make transportation arrangements.  That's the part I hate as it requires one very early morning trip and an afternoon trip.  But once I'm home, things are fine.  By the time I go back for the first follow-up, I should be able to drive myself.  

I'm surprised I am not more excited.  I know this will be the most painful of the surgeries I've had so far, but I am also so looking forward to having this gut gone.  I haven't ever had a flat tummy--not even the summer I lost 30 lbs.  Even at 15 my mom commented on me having a big stomach.  I can't believe that I have to go back to the age of 15 to reference the one time I was regular sized!  I think I will treat myself--when all the swelling is down--to a custom suit.  Then my only "problem area" will be my legs.  That's something I'll just live with.

Now I need to start paying closer attention to my eating and protein.  I want the best results and healing.  

Well, I was hoping to be posting my tummy tuck date, but it was approved under the wrong code, so everything has to be resubmitted to the insurance.  I'm confident that they will approve it--again--but I hate losing the time in the process.  I need to get it done between registrations, conferences, moving, and the summer program.  The timing is going to be tough if things don't move quickly.  

Otherwise things are doing okay.  I'm still snacking more than I should and eating way too much fruit instead of protein.  I love summer fruit and sometimes struggle to even want to eat protein.  I just don't want to put the "chew" effort in!   But in the past I didn't like eating right in summer.  I always overate fruit (and Ice cream!) and junk.  I need to get some better options.  I've thought about trying some protein drinks, but they are just so nasty to me.  The thick cut deli meats have helped--no cooking, easy to eat--but they are a bit salty.  Well, I'll just keep trying different options.

Maybe I'll have a date for the TT in a couple of weeks.