WannaBFit71
Hello :) Well, I guess this is how it goes: I was first called "fat" when I was in the first grade. I remember being very surprised because I had no idea that I was fat!
The first real diet I recall going on was NutraSystem when I was in jr. high school. I was at an age where I did not understand the importance of trying to diet. My best friend told me I was losing weight, but honestly, that was foreign to me. I just didn't understand why everyone else could get chocolate milk and chips in the lunchroom and I had to eat prepackaged food and salad. I didn't feel like I was fat but I knew I didn't like how I looked in clothes.
That is really where the dieting began. When I made my list on the forms I had to mail into the hospital, I had to really reflect on the diets I've tried. I have to tell you I was floored when I was finished. I have been just as brainwashed as the rest of society! I have been judging myself probably as badly as anyone who is a normal weight does when they see me! I did not even REALIZE how much dieting has been a part of my life.
The fact is I have dieted for, like, 2/3 of my life! That is 24 years! And it's true!! I gained it all back plus some!! I'm not someone who hasn't worked at trying to lose weight! I am someone who HAS!!!
So, while I have researched bariatric surgery on and off for 7 years, I told myself "I should try really hard to lose weight 'the right' way before rushing towards surgery. Well 7 years later I weigh just as much, give or take 5-10 pounds!
I still don't do all the things I have always wanted to do. I still don't wear the clothes that reflect who I am inside or MY fashion preferences! Not only that, a year and a half ago I hurt my back pretty badly. What was I doing? AEROBICS!! Trying to lose weight!! I was restricting my calories and exersizing when I herniated two disks in my lower back! (sigh)
That was a MAJOR set back...so now, at the age of 35, I have a LOT of belly fat (and everywhere else fat, too!) I wear the same huge, unstylish clothes, I still dread going in public, still can't clean my house in a day, shy away from the beach and amusement parks, still shy away from gatherings with my friends and family... The only real difference is that I am afraid for my life now. Losing strength and learning what chronic pain is has caused me to realize how hard it is to live as big as I am.
I also think that my obesity has caused other problems that I wish I didn't have. One is that my hair isn't as thick as it used to be. I am this wonderful sweet girlie girl that's trapped inside the body that no man will even look at.
When I go in public I am cringing inside, doing my best to be upbeat but very much aware of anybody who either stares or who refuses to make eye contact. This hurts.
My kids are getting to be at that age that I am dreading, because soon I am probably going to be an embarassment to them. They love me very much but I keep thinking about the movie "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" and I am praying that their lives will not parallel that movie. I don't want to be a liability to them. And I don't want to die. I don't want to continue 'living' the way that I am because there is so much more life to live and things I want to do.
When I read other people's stories I realize I am not alone and I hope to become a success story.
Feel free to write me if you have any questions or comments! I wish EVERYONE all the best with their journey to lighter living and fitness!
~Julie~
