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Today is one year!  I have lost 123 lbs.  It has not been easy and continues to be a challenge.  I23 lbs lost.  That is not all.  I lost my high blood pressure; continous asthma attacks, breathless walks to my car, lack of energy, low self esteem, blood thinners.  I have lost so much more than 123lbs.  Dr. Chapman, OH friends, I love you all.  I have lost 123 lbs in one year.  I can live with that and much longer, too.

I can't believe it has been almost three weeks since visiting OH.  I remember in the beginning, I was on OH literally all day, every day.  It is what kept me going, kept me strong, focused, and hopeful.  I learned so much, addressed my fears, felt the love.  Everyone did not always agree. Some where even mean to others.  I can't imagine where I would be if OH had not been here for me.  So why have I strayed? It may have a lot to do with my mindset these days.  I have lost so much weight that my body is doing what it used to do, hold on to the pounds.  I slingshot back and forth so bad.  I lose, I gain, I lose and gain. I go to the gym religously.  Then I stop and don't go for weeks.  

 Sounds like the ole days before WLS.  So I fight against returning to the old mindsets, the fears, the doubts, giving in to old temptations.  I baked some oatmeal raisin cookies recently. I tried to resist the urge, but honest to God, the craving for them crept into my dreams.  I would wake up with the desire for warm baked oatmeal cookies.  So, I went out late into the night and bought them, baked them and enjoyed them.  Had to get it out of my system.  Be prepared for that.  Be prepared for years of habits creeping back. Be ever vigilante.  It is a struggle every day and will be for the rest of my life. 

Deb, I don't know what made you send me emails that were not even related to OH, but I thank you because it make me stop in and in doing so, realized I need to be here.

The weirdest thing has been happening to me.  When you start out at 330-340 and lose more than a hundred pounds, you see yourself as "skinny" when you look at pictures and weigh.  Recently, a whole new mindset is creeping in.  Twenty years ago, when I first creeped up to  and then over 200 pounds, I was devastated - depressed.  I was fat!  I went on all kinds of diets, jogged, even took the new pill of my time "redux".  (Oh man that stuff worked).  When I had to stop redux because they took it off the market -  I gained, gained gained.   Okay, Okay, I';m getting to it.  Lately when I look in the mirror, I see myself as fat.  Not the 330-340 fat.  But the 220 pounds fat.  I may not be saying this really well.  Lets say I had never had the surgery and I weighted 230 pounds, I would feel, I would say..  I am fat!  I look at my stomach, my thighs and I look fat.  No, I am not as fat as I was - but I am.  I even noticed that my shape is shifting.  Does this all makes sense?  

What makes it worse is that this is the period where you hit stalls so you don't lose as fast, so you feel this sense of desperation that you often feel when you start a diet and you are not losing.  October 7th, will be a year - it is also my 60th birthday.  I am excited and proud of the weight I have lost - of my successes, big and small.  My self esteem went from a minus 10 to a plus 7. I have been happier this past year than any time I can remember in recent years.  I remain committed to this WL journey.  But, if I am not honest about what I am thinking and feeling - if I don't face my truths, my fears - I will fail.  And, OH family, failure is not an option.

I have spent this morning reading the blogs and looking at the uploaded pictures of some of my OH friends and being amazed! I remember the changes I had to go through immediately after surgery - it kept me on my toes. What helps me now is reading about the experiences and seeing the progress of others.   I saw an OH members collar bone and ran to the mirror and realized, I am not there yet.  I saw another get down to the teens and I realized I have been trying to get out of the teens for a month.  I am so grateful to those who share!

As I was getting dressed to go to the gym, I realized that I still have a minimum of 40 pounds to go to get close to where I dream.  I don't want to be "skinny".  But, I am still overweight and having loss 123 pounds, I have to work not to be "satisfied".  Sure, it is a dramatic change, but I continue to be a work in progress.  There are members on OH who had surgery to get rid of the weight I am now!  I have to remember that today's weight was never acceptable... then or now!

I have to stay focused and committed. Its like birthing a baby. Even after its born, it has to learn to crawl, then walk. Funny, that babies go from liquids, to soft foods to solids.  Sort of like a gastric by pass patient, huh? Well, I am out the door to the gym.  

I am not sure what I would do if I did not have Obesity Help.com and my OH friends.  Yes, I do... I would be crying like a baby.     

I thought it was me.  I called my girlfriend in Texas who had WLS surgery a month after me.  It seemed like we were mirroring each other's behavior.  We both have been craving and fighting the urge to graze. I wanted a candy bar soooo bad.  She said her craving is for cookies and pastries.  I found out that Scoops (Fritos) does not have sugar.  But, I make myself not buy them.  She went out and bought a key lime pie and has been stealing spoonfuls.  We both had been craving Dairy Queen cones,  On the good side - we both have been eating a lot of watermelon!  

 Soooooo, do you think it has to do with not having sugar for nine months and the body is craving what it hasn't had? One of my doctors told me that she finds that people low in iron or anemic will crave peanuts; that sometimes the body craves what it needs.  Well, I don't think my body "needs" sugar products. I think it is a memory imprint - it wants what it used to get on a regular basis.  Maybe it is just my brain crazing - and telling me to graze.  Crazy huh?

One of my original goals was to lose at least 150 pounds. Seemed like such an impossibility when I wrote it.  Based on that goal, I would have only 30 more pounds to lose.  Reality check... I actually have 50 more pounds to get to my "dream" weight. All of a sudden, 50 pounds sounds like an impossibility.  I have lost 121 pounds, but I can not wrap my mind around losing another 50.  Deep.  Seems the more I lose,, the harder it gets to lose. Is that because we are dealing with less fat and more muscle?  Hmmm.  There are OH members who have reached a size 14 or a size 12 and I envy them.  Then I realize I was in a size 26/28; a size 48DD bra, and lets not even list the size of those panties.  I can now wear a size 18.  I had to put a belt on with a new pair of 18 jeans. I have two size 18 dresses that fit too snug to wear; but,  I could not resist the sale price - the bargain!  So they hang in my closet.  Unlike before, I know that one day soon I will be able to wear them.  Oh yeah! My doctor wants me to lose at least 20 - 30 more pounds by my one year anniversary.  Has he lost his mind... that is only two months away.  Thank God I don't have to weigh in until a month after my anniversary.  Guess I'd better get busy huh? 

Three months- only 9 pounds lost.  I had a dreaded Doctor's appointment two weeks ago.  I called and rescheduled.  I thought I would buy me a month. It bought me a week.  Sooo, off I went last Tuesday and sure enough, I saw the expected - dreaded - disapointment in my Doctor's eyes.  He was good about not "chastising" me.  But, I could tell he expected more weight loss and more discipline on my part.  He encouraged me and made suggestions, but he never lost that look in his eyes.  Maybe what I saw in his eyes was my dissapointment in myself.  For the past three months I could not get below 220.  I got to 223. 222.  221  Never to 220. This morning I weighed - 219.4.  I got off and on the scale.  219.4.  I went back two hours later. 219.4.  O.M.G.  what a relief.  I feel encouraged! Renewed.  210,  here I come.  Woo Hoo!

For the past two months, my weight has been up and down and up and down and up and down.  No matter what I can't seem to get below the 220 mark.  I get down to 223 and the next week I am up 3 or 4 pounds.  I scream because I say to myself, you have to lose that 3 or 4 pounds all over again....AGAIN!   It is taunting me.  Haunting me.  I even gave up the daily "boxes" of sugar free popsicles, my treat of beloved Wacky Pasta, and absolutely no more Cheese its.  I am so sick of Crystal light ... but what ya gonna do?  I love water, no problem.  So, this week, I am trying to eliminate all carbs - back to high protein. I am up early out in the garden, pulling weeds, hoeing.  I am back in the gym.   I think I am going to make an appointment with the nutritionist.  I dread going back to the doctor this month for my three month check up.   Dread is not even close to what I am feeling.  I read all the time about stalls.     You know what I mean, straying away from new - working behaviors - new eating patters, chewing, sipping, exercise.  I am so happy when I dump or get neauseated these days, because it means the pouch is still working the way it should.  You get dependent on these signals and when they stop working, you are back to depending on your own self discipline.  We all know how that works for us!!!  Stalls I can live with.... its the Fall I am worried about.

My butt hurts!  I am not complaining, but my butt hurts when I sit for a long time.  I have never ever ever ever had this problem and I find it very funny.  I have always had more than enough padding back there.  This is just toooo funny to me.  Just wanted to note this to myself.

This past weekend, I drove up to MD for a retirement  dinner.  A gentleman nodded, smiled and walked past me. I said, " Oh no you are not going to say hello.  He asked, "do I know you.?"  I said, I hope so, you stayed at my house for four days, ate my food and even fired my guns.  He asked, "Joanne?" .  I said yes, and he threw his head back and laughed, called to his wife, who, of course recognized me... and hugged me.   Now, this happens more often than I care to admit.  Sometimes I stare in the mirror, trying to understand what has changed so drastically that folk don't recognize me.   I don't see it.  Well, OK, I see more of my Mom now, rather than my Dad. Deep!   I think my dimples, a trademark from my youth, are trying to come back..  I try very hard not to act "hearty" Is that the word?  But, I want  to tell you what I am experiencing.  Although I am 223 pounds, (I am very very muscular), and wear a size 18, men are reacting to me. The difference is that when I was young I did not understand, did not see!  Now I do. I am still the same me. Or, am I?  No, truthfully, I am not. I am more confident, more self assured, and well some days,  I feel, well, I feel pretty!  So many changes! Who am I really? With physical changes, comes emotional and mental changes.  Who am I, really?