lilmiss6678

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

Hi everyone!
I have been soo busy being sick, trying to keep up, working, and living.  haha
I hope everyone is doing well.
I am still sitting at 146.6 but Im just saying my weight is fluctuating 8-10 lbs (up that is, a few weeks ago i was in the 150's again-NOT good!)Any how..

Isn't life crazy!?  One day everythings fine, and you have all of the faith in the world, your a light shining so brightly- and suddenly, that same old dark cloud takes you over, and before you know it your upside-down, trying to find your way back.
Well, I was doing good- I was sober mostly, and I had a run-in emotionally with the Ex, and 11am sunday, I had a drink, which then led to several drinks, before you know it, I have no ruined the new relationship I started with an amazing person, and look nothing but foolish. I dont know how, or why. I dont know how I let that ghost of my past get the best of me, yet again.  I feel so ashamed..

I put up some new pictures. I am not going to lie, I only want to drop another 10-15 lbs, I love my body thicker.  I'd hate to be too small. LMAO- doesnt look like thats a problem at this point!

I just really wonder- does anyone else fall off the wagon as often as I do?
I just know--If i keep taking the wrong path, im never going to find the right one, I'd just like to ask any of my friends to say a prayer for me. Please, help me ask God to show me the way, and to give me the strenght to make good decisions, and to live my life for him- as I want to- many of us know walking with God isn't the easiest task. but Its well worth it.  Id give anything to find my way. to find my soulful purpose and calling in life. I know who I am, and I know my heart, but I just ask that I have support in staying strong. that darkness is NOT going to continue getting the best of me.

I hope everyone had a great holiday..this christmas was the first time my family got along, everyone. My nephew made it all worth while for me, he is such a blessing.

I cant wait to start the rest of my life.  I am getting impatient.

=)

I am still praying, emailing prayers amongst everything else, just because I am struggling doesn't mean I cant keep pushing forward and trying to help raise others spiritually.

Please pray for permanent sobriety for me! It would mean the world to me, and the people who love me.

feel free to email me
[email protected]

all my love,
valerie.

Hi Everyone!
So, as I have been posting, I was struggling, badly.. But I have turned my life over to Christ, and have tried my hardest to walk as close to him as possible- which by the way- isn't easy. You are only as good as the company you keep, and well- my company isn't always the best, nor  do they make the best decisions.  I have found a new part of myself, it grew with more self respect than I ever thought was possible. I have found myself proud, and fighting more for things i believe in, because I no long fear anyone telling me hey shut up fat girl.  I have found myself unafraid to run at the gym- in the main workout rooms. I have found myself more willing to step out and help others. I have found myself reaching out and helping people more, because I can. I am not afraid.  Not that I was ashamed before, but I feared rejection more. 

I am not afraid to finish college anymore, Im not afraid to walk into a classroom late and to be the fat girl that has to squeeze between 70 seats all the way in the very front and sit in the smallest desk in the class.  I am just, finding motivation, finding myself.

I have learned truely- what goes around, comes around.
Karma happens, and people get what they deserve.

I am making my own way. ;-) finally.
I thank God everyday for keeping a handle on my life.
I thank God for never letting me get too far.
I thank God for my heart healing. Yes, I said it. emotionally, and physically.
For the first time in my life my cardiologist said 'you sound great,maybe you wont need that surgery after all'
I felt, so happy. I felt like I was on fire. I felt like I worship a God that heals, promises and delivers.
I felt like I prayed so long for God to touch my heart, and to wipe out the hurt and anger, and let me tell you- my God was strong enough to do so. I dont carry the hate and the hurt like I did before. I wont, ever again.
I love myself. I love my heart. I love my intentions. I love my expectations.  I am just, grateful everything came together in the time that it did.

My God's timing is literally impeccable.  

My family is upsidedown, and I have found the strength to love and repair the best I can, and contintue my life day to day with few hard feelings.  I had my heart broken by the love of my life (to date) and let me tell you, I have found it in myself to forgive him for all he has done, and support him through his trying times, strictly and merely as a loving supporting friend-and love of the past.
I met someone who is broken himself. Walks with a lot of grief in the world, and he found trust in me, something he hasnt seen in years. He is a 'hard-ass' as we'd like to say, but he has a heart of gold, and I believe in all of my heart that his trials will turn to triumphs.  =)

Life is hard. for everyone right now. Things we thought would always be there, aren't. Places we would always go- we can't. the things we turned to for comfort have left most of us now.  Growing up never seems to get easier.  I always thought people got places because of who they know, and let me tell u- I know a LOT of people, high and low. and the only reason I am going anywhere is because I am picking up my feet to do so. 

=) don't give up.

Forgiveness is scary.  But its purifying.  Hurting is inevitable. We will all experience it one time or another.  Let it go, it doesn't have to hurt forever. Be proud of who you are, and make a difference, because you can. And you should. =)

Forgiveness doesn’t make one weak, it is an attribute of the strong.  I am strong. 

Being angry is draining, being sad is draining.

 

 

 

If anyone is struggling that reads this, I’d like to pray for you, feel free to shoot me an email. Let me be encouraging.  I want to encourage everyone I can.   My surgery ‘didn’t bring me here’ but it DID in fact open up doors for me. It forced me to change my life. It forced me to change what comforted me. It forced me to see things for what they were, and to help me realize that big of small I am who I am. And I am not afraid to reach out anymore. I was 6 years old, and suspended from school weekly for being a ‘weird kid’ I laid hands upon so many people, to pray.  I am a warrior for Christ, and I know he puts words in me, to touch others.  I am so grateful for it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am no longer a ‘victim’ or a ‘broken little girl’. Yes, I have wounds. Yes, I have  a past that hurts, Yes, I did things I am not proud of.  But those things brought me here. Right here, and will continue to take me there, over there. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My calling right now in life is to be motivated. God has put a movement in me so strong, that I just cant get enough. I want to push so hard to keep going, and just think- a week ago…I thought I had nothing left to keep fighting.. I thought ‘FML’ 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah, ‘fml’ its funny. But I don’t feel that way, not one bit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anywho—im back up to 151 from a 144-146.  I’ll get it off though.

 

 

 

 

 

 

God bless, and don’t be afraid to contact me! 

[email protected]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘Trust in the Lord with all of your heart’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am just so grateful for today. tomorrow. and always.

I love the support I have recieved from this site, and would love ot be able to support just one person at the least going through the changes in life we have all made.

;) 

thank you soo much everyone!

I am 13lbs from goal.  and im excited.

Lately, Life has been more than I can handle. I have failed. repeatedly. But I have not given up.
I have walked away, but found myself right where I walked away from over and over again.
I am not ashamed of who I am. I am not ashamed of what I was, I am not ashamed of who I will be. 
I am not afraid of where I am going anymore. Today, I have decided that nothing else matters. Today I have decided that my life was given to me, given-its a gift. 
I am loving, unconditionally to a fault. I am the most NON judgementlal person I know, I am the most compassionate person I know. 
I work hard. 2 jobs, hard. and I spend 90 percent of my time and money caring for other people. I am tired.
But not that tired, I am tired now- but I am driven to rid the things and people that drain me, so I have more of myself to give.
I love my life. and I love what I do in life.
From today forward, I will be more focused.
More focused on work.
on my health.
on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
I have already chosen not to be lost, because I was found. Now I will help others be found.
I will give until I have nothing left to give.
I am strong because I have learned I can endure all things.
I have endured all things.

I refuse to allow myself to be a doormat anymore.
I refuse to ask myself 'why doesnt he love me, what did I do wrong, why was I never enough' because, I am enough. I am more than enough. and I see that, and I know that.
I refuse to go to the bar and walk out with the first stranger that buys me a drink, to fill that void, that emptiness.  I refuse to eat until I am sick, because my heart aches. I refuse to poison my mind with all of the coulda, woulda, shoulda's. I refuse to be 'hurt' anymore. I refuse.
I am strong. and I am overcoming this. I am overcoming addiction. all of it.
Addiction to my first love, my only love, addiction to the heartache of that first love, addiction to food, my addiction to alcohol, my addiction to sex.
I refuse to be addicted.

I am funny, and I intend to make other laugh with my joy and overactive imagination.
I am beautiful, because I have a giving heart.
and am graceful, because I have my Lords mercy within me.
I am forgiven, because I am a child of God.

Jesus forgave me, before I even made the mistakes I did.
His blood washed my hurt away, my shame, my guilt, my fears.
He washed it away. My burdens and aching aren't mine to carry anymore, and there is something freeing in that.
I am free.

I am free to grow as a woman, an adult, a patient.

I am no longer ashamed.

I will, and can get through this.

This surgery has taught me so much about who I am, because of all the emotions I have dealt with. its been a rollercoaster, and..thankfully I am strong enough for this ride.

Please keep me in your prayers.

Valerie

Hi Everyone!! ;)
I went to my Dr yesterday for my 6 month FUP, and he said I am doing great I am right where I need to be. I am teathering right around 155 lately. sucks, but basically everything is going well.
Sobered up a bit still have a few mis-haps here and there, and I am going back to church a litlte more often.  Battling the broken heart with the boy, the new gf moved into our house this weekend, yep. Im not even mad about it. haha (a little)
Umm, I love my jobs and business has really picked up!

Call me crazy but with just uner 60 percent o fmy excess body weight one i still dont see it!!  FML. im gonna be blind by fat forever!
I am moving back into my own place this weekend thank god!
life is coming back together. ;)

I have some great friends, and I am pretty sure I love OH. im so glad I can eat again! very little makes me sick, and if I try to be bad- i feel guilty. I got permission to have a protein supplement finally. so..hopefully things will start moving im like 26 lbs away from goal- thats juts crazy to me! ;)

 

I just ate soooo much ommggg.  ok maybe not a lot, but i totally am full. i HATE feeling full!  =)
hmm, so...lets see.  My life is going soo many different directions, all at once. 
I changed my number and cut off communication with the <3 of my life, and let me tell u that didnt last long, he got my cell somehow, emails me at work, and has 'accidently' run into me at the gym.  Although he acts totally 'over me'.  which feels kinda good.
I dont see him and long for him anymore. I see him and I tell myself I finally let it go.
I told myself I only lost the pieces of me that held me back, and I gained the strength to move forward. I gained the strength to take this next step of my life, and I am SOO thankful! =)
I have met some great people here on this site and I am SO glad to have them to talk to! I am just saying,
If Jacquie lived here in CA we could prob get into a bit of trouble! =) (girlfriend you make me lauuugh!)
and others who are just so friendly and honest to give an opinion. 

I got a slap on the wrist at work, and now I have a 'schedule' haha. I dont mind it though, I get to come in at 830 now.  (better than5,6,7am) =) i love sleeep! =) and morning workouts! 

I am cutting back my salon days again- but I am going ot more education, my passion to learn and develop in the industry has been set on fire again recently!  ;) because I feel good. and I can look good again too! 
I have tons of support from the people around me, and i am working hard to better myself!

hmm.  For lunch today I had chicken and peruano beans (boiled with salt) hello protein- can i have my hair back? jeez!

the hair loss, its slowed down (this week) but i have been sooo tired. I need to check my labs and see what the status is. haha.
I bet im anemic.

I am happy for the most part, and I am full of piss and vinegar.  Just, sometimes I get a little lonely. Not for the ex, but for comfort.  everyhting is changing sooo fast, and th epoeple around me are going their own ways in life..myself included. its just everyhting that ever comforted me before, isnt there anymore.
food, gone.
alcohol, mostly gone.
ex, mostly gone. (he was gone while he was still here- shit!) lmao.
friends, (married, kids, moving, graduating, drunk hot messes)
dogs (..sad to say are gone now too)

its so new to be just taking care of myself.  and its so much less stressful. I cut out a lot of 'drama' and being the scapegoat for people. i dont care anymore. if you dont like me. so be it. and luckily people are seeing who I really am..  does anyone ever feel like being fat made it easier to be a scapegoat? to tbe the person that always took the heat- and because u were already low on yuourself u just took it or tried ot fix the issue?  ok- so im totally rambling.  but whatev. 

hmm. i did pilates last night and fyi- my legs hurt soo bad, and! i have calf muscles! =) i can see the shape of them- FINALLY! =)  although the sad news is i sitll have cankles- prob always will.

I got  a new bible last week. I understand it, and with a lot of prayer (yah, im blunt and a little out there, but i believe in God, and his son Jesus Christ.)  I am starting to see things the way I should. Believe it or not, even a little jaded. my heart is pure! im just goofy. =)

the other sweet update- im 164lbs right now. i been fluctuating up and down 5-6 lbs the last week or so. weird. i started doing some weight training, but im pretty sure its NOT muscles! 

hmm, Lots of road trips lately. SF, Santa Cruz, Sac, Fresno, Yosemite, Lakes lakes lakes, beaches.  =)  I usually do this stuff though, and I went shopping with my skinny perfect little girlfriends- and I could buy clothes where they did- and it felt good. One friend handed me a pair of 11's at forever 21, and they fit- a little lose through the waist but NOT the thighs. damn saddle bags!. (they didnt clap in the dressing room that day either!)
Hooraayy!!

So- sorry I am so chatty! everyone fill me in on your lives! =) 

add me on the space or FB.
www.myspace.com/effinsnax
www.facebook.com/effinsnax

Soo... I am home, on a sat night- bored! i cleaned my room, emptied my closest of clothes that dont fit- i NO longer have much of a wardrobe! crraaapp=)  as of today, I am officially 64 lbs down.  which I guess isnt much when I compare to the other OH'rs but I will take what I can get! =)  I did have 3 beers last night- and yes- i was plenty drunk.  i dont intend to drink again anytime soon, either.  I am fairly happy- and slowly working to get over the love of my life!  Everyday I feel like I take a step forward-and a phone call or text message 20 minutes later,  I take 2 steps back.  but I can do this. healthy living, healthy lifestyle also means a healthy heart- and relationship.  thank god.    Everything is gonna be alright- I know it.  I have been working out like mad lately. I have been not scheduling clients and missing out on money- a lot of money to try and get my body right, and well- i haven't lost much, but like my ex told me- consistency will show results. just keep doing it. 
As a matter of fact I am going to a friends house right now to do her tae bo with her. pfft.  i hate billy blanks.  especially when im super tired.

anyways.  I just want to see results already. i will post a before and current very soon so we can compare. =)
 anyhow- i am 5.5 months out and i am at 174 lbs, 44 lbs from my doctors goal weight.

and im just wondering why doesnt my dr give me protein shakes? i mean really everyone else takes them?  i am supposed to eat my protein- and I am wondering why everyone else got drains and I didnt? dont get me wrong a drain would suck, but how was my procedure diff than one with a drain?

i guess...i am babbling.  hit me up on myspace or facebook and chat www.myspace.com/effinsnax
or www.facebook.com/effinsnax

i know- creative right?

well. thanks for all the support. =) all of your emials and comments are really sweet and really help me out- i love that i can emial anyone with a question and get an honest answer.

=0)

im here if ya need me
xo val

So-- Last night I was getting off work and some dude was chatting with me, whatever im just being friendly, he then tells me he wants my number he'd love to 'hook up' with me. i kindly said no thanks, im not interested, have a good night well dude starts going off about im a fat ass b----- and just all kinds o fmean things.  I am sooo irritated. i feel violated and angry.  what gives someone the right to a. approach me like im some whore on the street- mind you i was in my scrubs from work. totally appropriate, leaving my salon at night at the gas station. yes. putting some 3 dollar 87 unleaded in the spaceship.  but no. dude violated me, invaded my personal space. and then be littled me and my body. he was all 'i bet a fat bitch like you weighs some odd buck 60 or something,'  im all wow if he only knew i weigh more like 173 right now!  and he thinks a buck 60 is fat..yikes.  totally just made me mad and resentful. 
im naturally flirtatious but i turned it off when i saw him approach me at night at a gas station- so i wasn't flirty at all.  and when i rejected this complete stranger i thought he was going to lacey peterson me.  i thought i was going ot get tied up cemented blended and dropped off in the ocean.  minus the baby. im not pregnant.

kjdls;fj;lksjfs im so mad. 

stupid asshole.

So, Last night I went out-sober to see a friend who used to stay with my past love all the time, he was like 3rd wheel and a wonderful friend! =) So- I see him last night we catch up he looks amazing and hes just the sweetest young man, so chill.  and then dun dun dun J is there.  and I am pretty sure we starte the night off totally ignoring eachother cold shoulders and small bumping into eachother saying sorry blah blah blah whatever- end of the night hes toasted and his NEW gf is not there and I am pretty sure we are talking about everything from our dogs together to the first time we met to i still love you's and Hell- what happened to all the feelings i have had of being over it and frustration? wtf mate.  we texted some nonsense back and forth never made anything of it ofcourse. I just dont get it.  im soo confused..Some guy i knew from HS (they were in the same grad class) was groping all over me and naturally i turned away into his arms and im all hello STUPID. dude was really wasted, but def in my personal space bubble.  J got all protective like dude back off. she already told you no get out of here type of deal dude kept on and convo's got more intense for sure.  well. here i am this morning, feeling like the place i worked sooo hard to be to be over him is 10 steps back and i just barely took 2 steps forward. i honestly believe he did love me, and sadly believe he does love me now. i am afraid after i lose all my weight again and look 'normal' he'll be ready to be with me and only me- or maybe he'll never only be with me or maybe hes just yappin and trying to ruin all my new relationships or potential ones. 

someone talk some sense into me.  talk about relapse.. (and not the booze) (sooobbbeerrr only drank waaatteerr)

Soo. I know its not huge, but its huge, I was seriously drinking atleast 3-7 times a week, and I a month SOBER (well and a few days, but whatev)  I am soo happy not hungover, and not missing any of the fun- Im the DD all the time,  and I know im getting home safely and im saving moneeyyy =) getting more rest..  and turning down nights out with karaoke for an extra work out and sleep.

=) thanks for all of the support.  especially my friend Crissy- She saw my troubles coming quickly and did me a favor by telling my doctors, my family and friends.  =)   coulda been a long road of denial and trouble.

Thank God for sobriety! (at the bar i usually drink water with a splash of apple juice) so no one calls me out and tries to pressure me- or i carry a bottle of smart water! =)

I am down only 52 lbs, but hell- its 52 lbs, and I am happy with that so far, I'll work for more obviously- Thyroid is haywire! so hopefully things get a little easier--  I am finally over my ex too! YAY! i dont know what happened after 9 years off and on seeing eachother.. and an almost 10th year it hit me like a box of bricks, I fell out of love, then wondered how I could ever love somene who treated me that way. someone who put me through hell.  Its crazy the way my though process has changed..

I am just so grateful and grateful for all of you on here who have helped me along the way- I dont get a lot of time to browse through other poeples postings except occasionally at work or when i get home (i work a LOT of hours!!) between being a hair stylist at night and weekends, and working 7-4 durring the day...it gets crazy!  I am trying harder to be active in other peoples lives on here and there journey- and stay active in my own life here in this small town where I am the 'talk of the town' go to sleeeep! Saturday i met someone and he said people in the next town over call me 'the legend'  wtf is that! and wont tell me why???  im all whatever.


haha

so the legend is over and out.  gotta file like 1200 pages into diff patient charts then  order some tests and referals--THEN go do hair till about 8- THEN go to the gym- THEN to my friends bday at the bar- THEN home to shower and to bed BEFORE 1AM. soo  Pretty good.

Over and out!
xo Val Pal