sarah !.

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alright. so, it's almost 11pm. and the scale says i'm 161. so that's 94 pounds down. how is that possible? 

thankyou God!!!!!


so i remember at my first support group this very nice gentleman told me that this surgery will make you the person you've always wanted to be and give you the life you've always wanted.

alright.

i'm currently in size 8 levis.

i'm wearing heals and pencil skirts and cute little cardigans and my hair is oh so cute.

and, a very nice, very handsome rockabilly guy named mark tells me he's smitten with me.

and i think i've had the best week of my life.
i'm trying to be calm about it all. trying to let it all soak in. it's kind of hard though. 

anyway. i dont wanna get into a ton of details.
but i just wanted to say.

i think my life has just begun.

i was going to go on the june board and ask for all kinds of reassurance and complain about the nut. and explain how i felt attacked and treated unfairly but you know what?

Fuck it and fuck Her.

i've lost 81 pounds so far. did my fucking stomach alteration prevent my hand from picking up a donut and inserting it into my mouth? NO. does my gastric bypass surgery phsyically make me work out two hours a day at the gym? NO, as a matter of fact it fucking doesnt. 

yes i started out totally clueless and way overhwhelmed. and it has been just in the past two months where i've really gotten it together. so excuse the fuck out of me that my schedule doesnt meet up with her anal retentive ass.

i've been totally down on myself thinkingi'm not getting in enough protien, i'm not getting in enough fluids. and then wheni sat down , pen to paper and was totalling 80 some grams of protien and 90 some ounces of liquids a day.... uh, yeah, i'm doing a hell of a good god damn job, bitch!
not to mention i was waiting an HOUR before and after meals to drink. 

which, now, i will only wait a half. and get in MORE. no. i Wont eat breakfast, i will drink my protien drink because that is what gives ME energy and works for ME.  the nurse told me that my protien levels were great and then "if that makes any sense" Devora tells me my protien levels were on the low side? what the fuck ever. 

How fucking Dare her telling me she's seen this all before and that i'm going to fail. how fucking dare her. is it that i was honest and i wrote down that i ate candy on halloween? did that piss her off? was she mad that i do get in tons of protien and fluids? fuck her that it's spurratic and i dont keep a fuckign schedule. no, i dont keep a schedule. i'm BIPOLAR. and i have a 15 month old daughter. and we dont give a fuck what that nappy haired blotchy faced nutricionist thinks.

and each time i walk in there. i'm gonna be even skinnier. and each time i walk in there. my levels are going to be even better. and if she requests i write down what i eat and drink. it's gonna be the same. and u know what? fuck you. 

IF THAT MAKES ANY SENSE

well just this morning i was telling frank how sad and worried i was about my weight loss slowing down.. i'm 190 now. did some crying about it. then i went shopping! i'm buying a ton of stuff for the house we're moving into. we're doing some light remodeling of sorts. so, i'm having fun damn near maxing out my credit cards :) haaaahaha.

well i ended up at target and fell in love with another one of those short jackets that are out now. oh it's so adorable. you know, i bought a large at sears and i really should've tried on the medium! it's big!! the large at target fit me great and it's long sleeved, not three quarter inch.. and has a very high collar. sooo cute. it's shades of green. looks great with my red hair! and i decided to try on some jeans and grabbed a 13 and they fit! they arent even the stretchy fit kind!! they're a little snug in the waist cuz i've got a lotttt of fat and skin there. but they fit great in the legs and ass! they're ripped up some in the knees and back pocket. not whati' used to wearing. but the damn dark wash 501 lookin jeans fade so damn fast!

yeah, today was fun as hell. and dita let me shop! which, she hasnt in a while. i bought one of those electric cat litter boxes. i'm super excited about that. joey has two old ass cats and i have one. and i dont like to clean up after one let alone two more! so i got that. i hope it works!

well i've got 55 more pounds to go. to get to 135.  i'll be so tiny at 135! but, i wanna be tiny! i hope i'm able to get there. please keep me in your prayers. 

i've been so busy with worrying about moving into the house with frank and joey. it's either worrying about that or being pissed off at comments his geriatric mother makes, or that some body in general makes.
i wish i wasnt so seriously pissed the fuck off all the time. i wish i didnt worry and feel angry about everything.
my weight loss has slowed considerably. i am not looking forward to this blood work. for real. i'm going to the gym in the morning, damn it.
i need to lose more weight! i want to be thin and normal sized. 
the nasty fat pad on the back of my neck is diminishing. its still there but not as noticable i dont think. my friend emily stared at it quite a bit when we were at the bar. i found that extremely rude. but, oh well. she has her flaws too. 

well, i better get to bed. frank's gonna be here soon and i wanna sleep some before he gets outta work. love you all.

sooo. im down to 195 now.. i went up and down around 200 for three weeks, i was terrified! my 16's are definitely baggy on me. i could easily fit into 14's. but i dont have any 14's. just 12's that my sister sent me... so, i'm going to wait till i fit into those :) i'm still not a good patient. i dont take my vitamins and sometimes i dont get in all my water. i'm good with the protien most of the time. 
my hair's really starting to fall out. i dont notice it when i style it.. but i literally stop the shower drain with it when i wash my hair. eh, i was balding to begn with.. so, it's really not that shocking or heartbreaking to me.. i use my hair products and keep on smilin.
frank and i are back together. i dont even know how the hell it happened. it's good though. he's been so wonderful. we've been looking at rings. he even told me he's going to sell some of his guns so i can get the ring i really want. which is saying a LOT. he also said, that if i move in with him i can save my rent money that i would be paying here, in a seperate account, and he'd put in some money each month too, to pay for my plastics!!!! now THAT was the clincher right there. i wnat to move in with him. but he lives in his nephews house, with him. so that's what i'm nervous about.... but, it'll be worth it. arm lifts are only 3 grand! i'll have that done in no time.. and then it's tatties for sarah!
so i'm feeling pretty fortunate really. me and frank have been through hell. and it is hard to believe that he's changed. but he's making such serious efforts. and we're becoming a good team. we're both committed to being together no matter what. and it's nice to be with Dita's dad. it's nice to be a family... and frank's son likes me now so it's good. franks mom is another story.. ugh. 
:)

so yeah, 195. who woulda thought. i'm almost 4 months out and down 60 pounds. hopefully i can lose the other 60 in the next four.  i bought a new jeep so my finances are so tight right now.. but frank says he'll pay for my gym membership. so that's awesome. i just gotta go down there and reinstate it.

you know, it's really mean and not right. but i find myself looking way too long and super obese people. particularly women. i know not everyone can have the surgery. and i know i'm so Blessed and fortunate to have gotten it. but i just want to reach out to them and let them know they dont have to be fat anymore!

i want to do what's right and keep my weight off and get healthy. i hope i'm doing good so far. continue to keep me in your prayers if you would.

thankyou.

you know what? i took my damn prevacid this morning like i've been supposed to and i didnt throw up once today.
i'm getting on the ball with that. damn it.

i shopped allll day! all day! i bought this adorable little capelet/jacket from Sears. sears! i've never bought a clothing article from sears before. i tried on the XL hoping and praying it would fit because i loved it so much and it was too big! so i bought the large. 14/16! wow! its like a houndstooth but not quite. oh it's so lovely and classy.

then i bought a super cute purple top from deb. 2x! fit like a dream. its a really nice quality fabric which is super unusual for deb. usually they just sell polyester Crap. it's a button up with puffy cap sleeves and it ruffles out around the hemline. so adorable. and i picked up a size 16 black pant from there too.

i have an interview tomorrow! not sure if i posted about that yet. but i wanted to look really good for it. oh, i also bought a purse from the burlington coat factory, that was only 15 bucks! and it's the perfect size.

so tomorrow morning i have to hem up the pants because apparently if you're a size 16 you're also 7 feet tall. i hate that.

my back is killing me from leaning forward on my wedge heals to push the stroller for three consecutive hours at the mall! holy crap.

i thought i looked cute when i left the house, but after seeing myself so many times in the mirror i realized my pants were too big. the same thing happened yesterday and i threw them out when i got home!

my sister sent me a ton of size 12 jeans. i thought for a hoot i'd  try some on. i dont know how it was humanly possible. but one pair fit. i mean they fit int eh legs so nicely, and made my ass look devine!! usually my jeans completely sag on my ass and it's so not cute. they were snug in the waist. but damn! i wore them to go see frank on his l unch break.
:)

so, i'm losing weight, and, wearing smaller clothes! who woulda thought it huh. wheni told frank they were size 12's he was so happy for me.. and he said he didnt know why i was so suprised, i've been shrinking daily. awe.

i feel so much more normal. which is nice. i feel really classy in my new outfit. and when that coat gets too big for me, i'll get it tailored to be smaller!! hah.
i'm definitely more sociable and confident and things are very nice.. even if id ont get the job at michaels, i'm sure i'll find something.

so many changes. lost 53 pounds, died my hair red, bought a new jeep. i've been stagnant for so many years... i really feel that it was all a result of having my daughter. what if i would've actually aborted her like i had considered? my life would've continued to be meaningless. i'm so glad i listened to my heart and God and did the best thing for myself.

i guess i'm just now starting to live! i love it.

i'm only going to eat protien bars and shakes and refried beans. they're the only food that doesnt make me sick right now. i eat too fast. guitly. i need to slow the crap down.

i also have to get my prevacid refilled which i will do today.

i'm at 202!
i'm really starting to look different.

i have a job interview on thursday. everyone pray taht i get it! it's at michaels craft shop and i would absolutely love to work there.

i'm doing some serious cleaning. that's how i get my life under control... i clean. 

i have to go get a letter from dr. minasian saying that i can go back to working out.. then i can go reinstate my gym memership. i'm sooo looking forward to that. it's gonna feel so good! 

alright, just an update. things are good for the most part. i'm sick of throwing up.. which is good. now i'm ready to change. haha. a little late. but, damn it.

take care everyone.

crap, i'm exhausted. im sitting here slowly trying to take my vitamins and my mood pills.
i went to my six week check up and they told me i've lost as much weight as a person who is 3 months out does. 
my nut. told me if it continues at this rate she will start to worry. so, i need to eat more and get my goddamned protien in.

i already have extraordinarly thin hair. i've dealt with that for years. i use products to help conceal it, but.. it's bad! so, i really dont want it to get worse.. i dont want my damn vital organs to shut down! i'm so stuffed right now with some chicken breast it's hard as hell to get these pills down..

i've been meaning to ask my nut.... my vitamns say, "take with food." do i have to do that? i mean.... that goes against the rules.

i went out job hunting today. ugh, i'm really not looking forward to working. i know i Should do it. and i kind of need to... but, i know myself.  but i refuse to work full time. only part time for me thanks!

*takes another pill*

weird.. my friends husband who i never talked to just got online and told me that his work is hiring.. but, that's full time factory work, and uh, Fuck That.
no more full time factories for me!

two more pills
fuck i feel sick.

i got in a tiff with my ex yesterday. it was his birthday... just that morning he was complaining and making a big deal about the fact that i have "tattooed greasy sons of bitches" as an interest on my myspace.....
which is rediculous because we arent together anyway. 

so i go to his house and his computer is right in the living room by the couch so i start to play on line an dhe trhows a damn fit thati'm on his computer. he tells me he's got stuff on there he doesnt want to me to see.
and wouldnt let me on it!

so, i left.

he's talking to me about it now, online.
and i'm trying not to effin hurl.

vista vitamin and calcium.

He just signed off on me. what a fuckin fag.

at least if i get a job i'll have to potential to meet someone! (men!)

crap i dont think i can keep this down. then i just worked through all those pills for nothing!

to explain the title.
yesterday, i bought a 2003 Jeep Liberty Sport. yes. it's true. my beloved Lincoln, "betty" was beginning to be on her last leg and i had to let her go. it was a very traumatic experience for me. the whole buying a car and figuring out payments. rediculous.
i actually had to go into the dealership and hurl i felt so sick. 
but, i did it. it's a very nice vehicle. which, i discovered on the way home.. has deplorable gas mileage, much unlike what the dealership assured me of.
it isnt my dream car, by any means.. and what i ended up paying for it.. i probably could've had my dream car.

but, it's safe. higher than the low riders i adore. air bags, 4x4 for these michigan winters. and i really ended up buying it for Dita.
it's a sad day when i realize i had to override my love of stylish vehicles for the safety of my child. i know, that sounds bad.. i dont love the way the jeep looks. it is so plain jane and has no interesting qualities at all. i really dont even know what i could do to make it my own. i may call her "Jane."

but, the air conditioning is wonderful! it has a cd player! lol. i lived with a radio in betty for years.. i've always been terrified to drive in blizzards, and this will help me feel more safe. I really dont have people to call that could help me when i'm broken down , or in a ditch. so, in comes the Jeep. 

I had a hell of a time last night, picturing Betty at the dealership... abandoned. i cried so hard saying goodbye to her. i cant really even talk about it now without getting depressed.

i'm sure this car will grow on me. and i do hope i grow to love it. i did get a 24,000 mile or 2 year warranty on it. so that's a relief.

things are going to be very very tight around here and i worry. i'm going to make frank a key to the apartment today. he's been saying he was moving in... we'll see. i dont think he can really leave where he is because his roommate/nephew counts on him.

i'll start looking into getting a part time job. Dita's aunt said she'd watch her for free when i got a job.. so, i'll just get a little part timer in the flint area. that will help. 

anyway, my stress level rose considerably.

but, i'm down to 204. and i look so good. 5 more pounds to go and i'll be one fucking ninety-nine.

amazing.

well, everyone, please pray for me. things are going to be very different for me now.

thankyou
Sarah

my sister sent me four pairs of size 16 jeans. i was wearing them before i got pregnant. at 240. but they were skin tight. couldnt dry them and had to stretch them out for a few hours before they looked decent.

so i put on the cutest old navy pair that i remember, i got too fat for like a month after i bought them. and they are fucking perfect. like, in a couple of weeks, they will be too baggy.

i will be in a size 14!

i'm feeling really good. the last time i weighed myself i was 211. i'm not as addicted to the scale as i was fresh outta surgery. it would be nice to see the scale say 200 the next time i step on it. 

tuesday i'm goign to reinstate my gym membership. my arms are getting so saggy. they were to begin wtih. but.... it was only bound to get worse. but.. an arm lift if roughly 4 grand. i can save up for that.

i'm getting lots of compliments and it's very nice. dita's dad is in his in love with me stage so he's showing me lots of attention. but, i know i have real love in store for me down the road. and i'm really looking forward to that.

i'm pretty pleased with everything. i know if i didnt have this surgery i'd just be steadily gaining..a nd oh my god i'd be 300 pounds in no time...

i remember being about 15 or 16 and saying.. if i hit 200 i will simply kill myself! i was about 180 then.. and i was fat, but could've gotten away with some cute clothes, i was just too shy and awkward to wear anything but marlyn manson shirts. lol. gag.

i'm glad that my friends are happy for me and not upset with me for losing weight. i feel very fortunate to have kept the good ones and weeded out the negative ones.

i can not believe how great these jeans look! 
i ordered a super hot top from torrid. i got a 2x and a 3x because i wasnt srue what would fit . i'm excited to get it.

i feel a lot better.