Spazzing out - That's just me tho - Almost There

May 04, 2015

I am naturally a spazz when things don't go my way. Sounds bad, but I am actually a very good planner and that spazz in me is what keeps my life in order and makes it work. So I has my "last" class on 3/19/15. Actually, They day I had to meet with Dr. Ray (because I didn't lose my 10%, I also had the fittness test and met with the program director. She allowed me to be passed through without having to make up my final class. Very special circumstances. I got my referral and had my 3 appointments with Pacific Bariatric and met with Dr. Rumsey on 4/22. That was a big deal. But now, 5/4, I am freaking out because they haven't released my chart as approved. I know it will come soon. I just can't help to keep going into these crazy mood swings every day. I have never felt my Bi-Polar being so IN YOUR FACE out in the open before. This is very hard. Almost all of my class has either had surgery or has their date already. I was hoping to have my date for sometime this month. I am very discouraged. I know there are a lot of people whos charts got released to Pacific Bariatric when our class did. And I can't help but feel like mine got lost in the stack. I called again today and they said to call back tmrw. They are very nice and helpful. It's just that, given everything I am going through, I thought I would be pushed along a little better than I have been through them. I know they are busy, But I have been working for this for almost a year. In June, It will be my 1 year since I started this Journey. I know they told me it would be that long, I just do not understand why I am so emotional. It is so close, yet feel so far. I wonder if everyone feels this tipsy turvey when they are in limbo. I am going to sign up for Kaiser stress management group. I need to handle this better. Or maybe its all natural and normal. I wish me luck for tmrw. I need this. I deserve this. It's my time. I have been stuck in my head since December. My husband is getting better from the cancer treatments, and my daughter is bored of the house, I want us to both be feeling good so we can go back to being awesome fun energetic parents again. I miss feeling good about myself and my life. I am so sick of being stuffed in this fat suit and hiding from the world. I know there is a fun loving girl just erking to get out. All that was sparatic, welcome to the mind of a fat bi-polar girl.