kikislove2

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YAY! I made it out of the 300's.  I am actually beginning to feel like nothing is going to come along and sabotage my little victory and I wind up back at 324lbs.  My pain is gone so I can actually get out of bed without struggling.  I'm exciting about increasing my exercise regime, and already giving away clothes that are too big.  I refuse to keep any clothes that I outgrow, don't want anything lying around that I can grow into to.  It's a new dawn, a new day and I'm feeling good!!...LOL..Ok, I'm not going to spend all day writing today.  I'm going to get some more protein shake, come home and do my body blade!!

Well, since my surgery I have finally made it to 300lbs. OMG the anxiety is unbearable, because I have a very unhealthy experience with the pathway into the 2's. This is usually when the curse conjurs up it's spell and I never make it over the threshold, or I make it to 298 and then it's back up again. I have this horrible fear that when I wake up in the morning, I am still going to be 300lbs, and the next day, 300lbs, and the next and the next. It seem it is not for me to be under that weight. I really didn't know the emotions that came along with this whole thing. But I think overall I'm coming along ok. My arms seem to look a little saggy so I've started using my Shake Weight and dumb-bells. I even walked on the treadmill for 15 minutes. Not bad for only 6 days out, I guess..LOL..Well, I guess I'll see how it goes in the morning. No matter what, I'm about to cross over into a world I've wanted to be a part of for a long time. The world without the 3's. YAY!!

This is crazy..I've only been out of surgery 3 days and I'm going crazy with boredom.  I can barely roll out of bed but yet I want out of this house.  It's snowing like crazy, which is depressing because it's the end of March.  Why the hell is it snowing?  I want some fresh air, some sunshine, some anything but this bed..UGH!! I've slept all I can sleep.  Well, maybe not because I'm getting a little sleepy now..but still, I'm getting a little cabin fever.  I am actually looking forward to my follow up appointment Wednesday because I get to go somewhere.  Also dealing with thinking about stuff I know I can't have.  I'm not even close to being hungry, but I crave soda and beer.  But I'm not miserable about it, I'm just glad I stopped drinking the sodas early, before the surgery.  Well, I guess I'll just go to bed and see if the weather will let up a little tomorrow, and maybe I can open the door and step on the porch or something, I don't know.  I can probably talk my sister into taking me to Office Depot..Yeah, good luck with that one..LOL..Goodnight OH Fam..

Well OH Family, I'm home.  The surgery was a success, and I was able to come home the very next day.  I'm sore and tired, but overall, I'm feeling good about everything.  I don't remember anything past them wheeling me into the operating room.  I don't even remember sliding off of the gurney onto the operating table.  It took me a while to wake up, I attibute that to my love of sleep..LOL..so I was in recovery almost 3 hours more than I was supposed to be just because I didn't want to wake up.  The nurse said they made sure everything was ok, then went ahead and let me sleep.  I'm so glad I made this decision, but for anyone that is about to have surgery, let me let you know a couple of things now.  When it's over, it may take you a very long time to pee..Don't panic, it will come, and once it does, you won't be able to stop. Your bladder just has to "wake up". Also, you will probably have a big gas bubble on the top of your stomach under your breast.  Walk, walk, walk..that is what will help release that gas. Don't feel bad if you can't drink all of the liquids they say they require.  They wanted me to drink 4oz of protein per hour.  I was able to do 4 oz in 24 hours.  I couldn't even get half of a popcicle down and I felt like I had eaten an entire buffet.  So good luck and speedy recovery for those who are looking forward to their surgery.  It's wasn't as bad as I thought.  Didn't think I would be getting around as well as I am.  It was very worth it.  Going to take a nap now..see ya soon OH Fam...

Well OH fam..tomorrow is the big day.  I really haven't had any anxiety up until yesterday.  I don't even think I realized it was anxiety until a friend asked me what was wrong, and I had to think about it for a minute, and was able to respond, "I'm scared".  Why on earth do I feel like crying?  This isn't me, I've wanted this change in my life for 15 yrs.  So now that it's here, I'm afraid.  I think I've always feared change, but I feel wierd, like this is about to change ME..I have read others who have felt this way and thought they were crazy, but I apologize and understand.  They say don't judge until you've walked in that persons shoes.  Overall I am happy..happy about my decision and the changes to come.  But I guess something so major would make anyone nervous.  I've never had second thoughts, so I'm in for the long haul.  So tomorrow is the first day of my new life, and I'm glad about it.  I'll be posting my official before picture this evening.  Much love OH fam, thanks for your support and I love you..xoxoxo

So, here I am, 4 days before surgery, and my co-worker, whom is also a friend, asked me to make him a cheesecake..I must admit that I make a delicious cheesecake, and this was a true test of my endurance.  Well, I brought it to work today, it's killing me, but I'm not touching it.  I have to start some where..GEESH!..This is the beginning of the battles to come, but it's ok, because a size 14 is more important than that slice of cake.  But as of now, I'm not cooking anything for anyone else, they'll have to get that sugar and fat fix from someone else..COUNTDOWN!!

So, I'm really close to my surgery date, 11 days and counting! I decided to start trying to train myself to eat very small bites, and eat slowly. I cannot believe just how hard it is! I feel like such a pig. I asked myself, if this is so hard, then what did I look like before when eating? What did I look like when eating lunch at work. I can just imagine being this huge monstrous person scouffing down every morsel of my food in 2.2 seconds. I wanted to cry. Then, OMG, to take small sips of my liquids almost sent me into an anxiety attack, seriously. It just makes me wonder how on earth will I be able to do this after surgery if it's so hard now? Lord knows I don't want to lose control and burst my pouch because I'm such a greedy gut that I can't slow down to chew my food well enough. Ok, enough self loathing. I'm still very excited. I'll keep practicing and I won't give up. I guess this was just an eye opener for me, some self realization. I pray for strength to do this properly. It's odd that I don't fear over eating or sticking to the program, not now anyway. So far this is what consumes my thoughts. Oh well, practice makes perfect. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Well OH fam..my mom had an epiphany lastnight.  I wanted to start recording my measurements, and all of the other millions of diets I've started, my sister usually measures me.  She wasn't available so I did something I have never done.  I asked my mom.  I knew that this probably wasn't the best idea, because I was embarrased, and I knew that it would bother her to know what my numbers were because she has worried about me for so long. But she happily agreed.  So, the bust is measured first..she tries her best to keep a straight face (I know my mom..lol), and we are laughing the entire time..the arms, waist, stomach, then hips..the tape measure did not have enough numbers for the hips..NOW THAT'S AN ASS!  She wrote the numbers down, and I said "mom, you didn't know I was that big did you" and she said "no, I didn't, even though I see you everyday."  She went on to say "If it were not for the fact that you are having that surgery, I don't know what I would do, because you're dying baby."  She's right, I would surely die if I didn't do something.  We laughed about it later, her facial expressions and such.  But the ones you love can sometimes not see clearly because of their feelings for you. My mom is my bestfriend, and I'm not only doing this for me and my kids, but for her, because she loves me, and thinks I'm pretty, and has given me her all for my entire life.  I owe her a life of longevity..I LOVE YOU MOM!

Life that reflects in the mirror..showing the essence of who I am..made from pure perfection..I'm connected to The One therefore I am.  One to rise above all the ugliness..evolve into a world of selflessness.  I can see love and no love can be higher than this.

That's a verse from one of my favorite songs "Higher Than This"..It's so inspirational to me that I thought I would share that verse with yall..It speaks the truth as I want it to be..because I do want to evolve, to rise above all of the ugliness..Not necessarily with thoughts of myself.  But with the stares and cruelty of those who don't understand what this disease is, what this addiction is.  To them, we are less than human because of it, and people don't realize that we might be some of the best people you'll ever meet.  But it's ok, they missed their blessing..but I won't miss mine.

I know I must be a small stylish chick inside.  Because when I go shopping, I see clothes and shoes to DIE FOR!  Of course I can't wear any of them.  But most stores are nice enough to have a plus sized section in them.  Guess What?  The clothes are usually pretty hideous.  I guess plus sized  women are not supposed to be stylish, or clothing designers think we don't deserve the trendy styles that small people get.  I do love my specialty stores like Ashley Stewarts.  Really can't always afford them.  I went in Fashion Bug, and their plus sized clothing was pretty sad..didn't know they still made seersucker suites..LOL..and the more trendy stores that are more affordable, their plus sized section I have unfortunately outgrown..Wow!!..But that's ok..it gets better with time!!