Ms_Swoosh

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Yes I have them....dumbest things on the earth..complex partial maul seizures..... even the name is dumb.....  One minute I am doing whatever and then bam down I go...  Today I think I just want to curl up in a hole somewhere....  I am in water aerobics doing a bit of lesson planning and thinking about the gentleman that are calling me...I really like one of them. which is a bit scary for me...  but I am doing what the instructor is saying and then the room starts to idk, gets different...I feeling of YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE hits me...  its like a huge panic feeling and I have to find a quiet place where people cant stare at me and things will look very generic...very little stimulus....  I don't remember doing so...but somehow I got from the pool through the shallow pool where the kids play and some how up the ramp and into the women's locker room and into a changing area....  my friend Erin followed me... I knew someone was with me but had no idea who she was or why she wouldn't leave me.  The seizure got bad....I didn't know where I was or who I was or how I got there I could hear people talking but didn't know the voices and that made it worse....

....Erin kept holding my hand as I cried and tried to figure out who I was and where I was....  Once it passed she wouldn't let me go back to aerobics so I only got like 20mins in....  I am so embarrassed....I don't know what I'm gonna say when I go to work tomorrow (Oh I didn't mention....some co workers joined me for class today)  Let alone what I'm gonna say when I go back to the gym....

I AM SO SICK OF BEING DIFFERENT....would love to be just normal for a change.....  No workout for me today....and port is really hurting for some reason today.....like "bloated like"  idk.....  Erin says its stress but lets be honest....my life is always stress...I mean its what I do....body should be use to it by now.  Period.  One day I am gonna do something stupid like have a dumb seizure or something and people are gonna be just sick of it and wont be around me anymore...how could I blame them....  LOL...how would I explain it to a date...omg...I never even thought about that....  going outside.... maybe I can walk off a calorie or two.....stupid body....

Not sure what is going on with me....normally seizures only happen right before period or in second trimester of pregnancy.... neither is the case so idk.....wish I thought my class would be okay if I took some time...I would like to crawl under a rock somewhere....  why is it so much about me draws attention to self....first I'm fat as I can be....so I lose weight...still have a huge boobs that men stare at and smile...(no I don't like that attention),  I laugh like a cartoon character (Betty rubble), and tah dah seizures.... oh and I do have the band.... Oh to just be plain for a bit .....

Very odd day so far;

Did water aerobics this am (like every saturday) but nearly no one  there...

Then very unlike me, invited a gentleman to spend the afternoon together at a community event (bbq cookoff thing)

Best friend is posting all over facebook she has left her husband....but I dont get it...he is a great guy...seriously...

Best friends husband emailing me...begging me to talk to her to come home to her family....

Very odd day... Worried about friend..but cant get her to call me....

Friend really did do it...left everything to be with another man...and wont even call me...not sure I really want to talk to her at this point....her kids and husband are a mess.... I could scream at her for pulling another stunt....I think she has over done it this time... I dont like the idea of the family being torn apart...but thinking it might be better to keep her from hurting him anymore....Charlie doesnt deserve this....  I am so ticked at her...

Went to the gym today....like every day....

Got on the scale....like most every day...

And TODAY.... it got the numbers wrong....

It Started my weight with a ONE!!!! WOOOT :)

LOL I know the day will come that I will think that is a big number ...but right now I am tickled to see it :)

Things are going fairly well atm, the scale is being a smart tail  dropping like 4ozs a day.....get over it and drop the pounds plz.....  lol  Accomplished alot this weekend.  Wrote a 2k paper, 5 1500word lesson plans, wrote something about Flat Stanley and forwarded it along with the pics of him in science class, and meeting author Steven Kroll as well as his Field trip to Berry Plastics and trip to water aerobics :)    I then bought a new grill, and a new deck swing, oh and a belt for me.  Went on a nice date with someone that is.... well nicer the more I get to know him...  I even went to church today....  it was a new church and was a different format...but still the message was good and was of God :)  Had a nice day with my son AND even had a great talk on phone with my mom :)  AND my wonderful new computer is here and running great :)  I am sooo pleased with it :)  Its been a good day :)

Cant seem to get excited about losing weight... I mean I'm doing okay I guess but still feels like I should be doing more....did my measurements today hoping that would spar me on.... I'm down 85.75 inches since surgery....  so that's good, but still not good enough.... will keep going I expect.  So wish I could look at my stomach or thighs and not have negative thoughts... I will get there...back to the gym tomorrow.  Got to find my happy place again.  I wore a cute skirt today and took a pic of it in the locker room...was really hoping that I would see the photo and feel better about how I'm doing....not so much, all I notice are the big legs and that "lovely" bubble of a stomach. lol  Just keep swimming Just keep swimming...

wow... such a day. :)
My general mood has been a bit down... My youngest is with his father this weekend and the middle son is visiting my eldest and my daughter in law.... I have no dog sitter...so I'm here..  pouting a bit....  But its not been a bad day...

My friend Erin invited me over for Easter.  She called me this am and kept chatting and chatting...then she told me why... GUESS what:)  she is engaged :)  very cool huh?  she got her ring Easter egg hunting that Ken set up in the back yard for her. :)  She swore me to secrecy until they could tell the family...whew..glad they did that today.... :)  

I went over for dinner ( I was late because I had the time wrong... duh) but still it was nice. :) 

After dinner Erin had some cloths and bags she wanted us to go through...okay understand Lisa is a size 1.... I ...well I am not lol I am much bigger.....but it was sweet of Erin so I was trying to put forth a positive out look... I chose  a few things I might could squeeze into and a couple i would like to one day fit in....  we will see.....sigh (I'm not ungrateful, I just felt a bit like that fat girl during all that....)

We then colored eggs and had a hunt of our own. :) It was fun, I have got to  work on being less critical of self...the pic Erin took of me.. I instantly critiqued....mentally, but still I noted the stomach and legs...It gets discouraging to know i really worked to try to look nice...and still looked like a member of the Pillsbury family...(yes I still hate my abs and thighs)

We then helped Lisa (another friend) set up a profile on Eharmony dating site.... (whom I am upset with ...they let you get through the entire 2hrs of ?s then tell her she cant be a member because her divorce is not final yet....)  Not tickled they took 2hrs of my life for nothing.... 

We then tried to do a virtual makeover of me....but I am so not happy with even my face that it only made me feel badly...not their intent so I tried not to seem like it....idk...Im just tired of looking like I do...wishing I could order a new me. :)  It didn't help that  the site was giving us a hard way to go lol :)

It was getting late and Erin's cousin called to congratulate her so we hugged her goodbye and left...
I was a good daughter and called my mom to wish Happy Easter and chatted her a bit...that helped. I then decided to go ahead and look at the cloths I had brought home...would they fit ....ever?  I am slightly amazed but some actually fit for NOW.....  The cute black skirt is even a little (very little) but a little loose. :) 

After having a day where I have not been feeling super great and not super positive...I am really pleased that somethings did fit so I can feel a little better about me. :)  I am getting there. :)

Dating can be cumbersome.... I mean you seek to find someone that fits in with what is going on your world and that you can enrich by being in their world....at least that's how it works in fairy tales..  Deciding to start dating 2yrs ago has really taught me a lot..some good and some bad.... many things odd....  there are more bizarre people in the world than I ever drempt possible.  People that I thought only existed in movies because they were so strange...  Who knows by the time I finish writing this.. might decide I am the strange one... lol  it could happen....

I had a hard day yesterday...one of those days where nothing is wrong...just cant get the motivation to do anything...so I decided to get a haircut (working on that whole girl image).  Before I left I checked my mail... the same gentleman had emailed me several times that he was interesting in talking to me.....okay I thought.... so I started talking to him..he was really funny.... and quick witted too...  AND an accountant...so he has brain matter... (brains are important to me)  anyhow...we talked and talked...until I left to get hair done and then go to aerobics... Wanted to try something different with hair but chickened out..got same old long layers and slanted bangs...oh well...   AEROBICS time... I have really come to like this time...and some of my co workers are coming with me...which I love....anyhow...  it was not a good day.... a child got sick in the pool and they closed the pool.... sigh...no work out for swoosh :(  I told Erin how I had canceled a date to be here and now didn't even get my workout...she said I should call and go ahead and go out....but that's not my style... so I wanst gonna do it...

I get home and the guy had messaged me more, each note funnier then the previous....  we started talking and he mentioned this place he goes to on Thursdays for oysters and a beer after work.  Asked me if  I would join him.  (old me would have said no. just period.  NO.)  But I'm trying to be a bit more assertive and less timid so... I said sure I would be happy to...besides.... he had been so sweet all day AND he was funny...and assured me he would walk me to my car..(I have issues being alone in strange places at night sometimes)  Anyhow....I text Erin gave her the guys name and number and where I would be (safety net) 

I get there....and I tell the gent at the door I am here to meet John. (John had told me to tell him that)  The guy looked me up and down (u know how guys look at you) and said, You? YOU are here ....for....John?  Okay...witch mode.... And exactly what is wrong with me I asked him?  Nothings wrong with you he said smiling I just cant believe you are here for John... 

OH DEAR LORD....WHAT IS WRONG WITH JOHN.....  panic sets in.....

The gent takes me to John who is much older then he looks in his pics...but its just dinner....so lets give the guy a chance right?
I approach the table and he JUMPS up and full body hugs me..... u know like the uncle u haven't seen in a yr and your like 9.... after I managed to get free I sat down ...now the fun would begin....

Ever seen Andy Griff?  You know Barney?  How he pierces his lips together, pulls them to the side and and sniffles every time he is gonna say something he thinks is brilliant?.....  welcome to my date....

sniffle  ya I got a masters in accounting
yup I'm the smartest one in my firm
you know the thing with being a great accountant is knowing things that I know. i AM the man.

hmmm  okay....  but it gets much worse....I cant remember everything he said....almost every word was offensive in some way....or something I would disagree with....

Sitting down I notice his empty dinner plate,
OH ya he says, I know how you girls are and you don't eat much so I went ahead and had dinner so you wouldn't feel obligated to eat....want a beer?
Hmmm, okay I tell him (okay don't fuss...it was only one beer and it was light)

 

So the waitress leaves and he says, are you a big drinker?
No, I tell him and come to think about it I haven't eaten lately....
Oh good he says that will help my plan....
Plan? (I KNOW he doesn't think I'm gonna sleep with him...)
 

Oh yes he said, Tenn is only about 3hrs from here... IM gonna get you drunk drive you there, marry you and then BAM you have to let me live with you. IT will be perfect, i can sleep on couch until you figure out what a great guy I am and you have steady income so bills not a problem and then I can start back to school like I'm wanting. What is your credit score? Mines bad and I will need a new car for school and all. I only pay cash for everything so we will have to put it in your name, but I still get to pick it out. I am smart and have good taste after all...

I uhhh What? okay I laughed and assured him that would not be happening. First of all i wasn't marrying anyone anytime soon. secondly what was mine would be mine. period. (remember I haven't even KISSED this guy.)

He laughed and said well we will see after a few beers....

 

He keeps talking about money... and I mention to him that money is much more important to him than me and we talk some about how people value things differently.... I mention this book I am reading at the moment called Understanding Poverty (good book BTW) and as I am explaining it he has the NERVES to say...

wow you are smarter than I give you credit for, you seem to have a braincell unlike most girls in the world.. Good thing y'all have us men to take care of you....

 

I assure you I don't need a man for anything I built my own home, paid for my own car, getting my own career and I already have kids...so I don't NEED any man. (my blood was a bit warm at this point...)

 

** It was at this moment I received a text....it was from a gentleman that had asked me out and was a nice guy..... but I lied to my date.... (I am only a believable liar if I'm afraid or really mad) I told him it was my friend checking on me to see that I was okay. With the phone still in my hand I DID text my friend.... CODE RED..... call me in 15 min. She text back she would.... okay 15 min... I can do 15 min right....

So you are a teacher?
yes special ed?
So you only get the idiot kids?
No, not the idiots, they are in reg classes, I get the ones that need help.  (smile smile smile)

Sniffle, yep I'm the best there is. I'm so smart that I tell professors you should let me teach your class. I know more then you anyhow...
(smile) that's nice...
Ya see I got my masters in accounting and I'm gonna go get my RN degree then do that part time and finish law school
(okay I didn't even TRY to bring up the illogical in that....)
You went to law school?
well sure, remember, I AM brilliant...
Cool, how far did you get?
First year...well most of it...
(okay I'm thinking that is English and math classes...sigh)

So how does it feel knowing you disappointed your parents?
My parents aren't disappointed in me.
Your a teacher, u make a little bit of money and will never be rich
Money is only a  tool. I have what I need and if I want more... I can get it I assure him
Ahhh that's right...daddy will take care of his girl....I forgot how you poor little rich girls work....
(I didn't try to answer)

He says: my dad is a recovering alcoholic

Oh I'm sorry I say, I mean I'm glad he is recovering but sorry he had issues

ya its nice that your sorry but that didn't help me growing up did it

(ummmm)

And your dad is in the army?
Yes retired. Now is the Chaplin for the Christian Motorcycle association
Preachers girl huh?
Well I suppose.
Ahhh so you Like it FREAKY, I bet  i could take you in the back and you could teach me a thing or two
I leaned forward and in a firm whisper. let me assure you that there will be no going anywhere with me tonight, and if you took me to a back room the only thing you will learn is exactly how strong my knee is as I get you away from me.
He laughed.... and did the one thing he shouldn't have done after a date going so bad....he reached for my knee....

 

I stood up and said I need to go, (I'm not waiting on Erins call anymore) Where can I pay for my beer. Oh I got this one sweety. That beer is on me...cause I got it like that....

 

Good job I tell him, way to cover $2.58, thanks..... and I walk away.... the WRONG way lol in such a hurry to leave I was walking wrong way out....

 

my phone rings its Erin... I don't even say hello I just say you are too late I have already escaped...but talk to me till I get in the car.....

 

LOL was an AWEFUL night.... and what was nice was the guy that text me did so again on my way home....totally unaware of what had just happened and said.

 

...know that I think you are a great girl, I look forward to getting to know you, good night.....

 

Wish I could say APRILS FOOLS I made the whole thing up...but it happened ...and so much more that I have forgotten lol WOW.....

 

 

Birthday was Monday, was a good day.  I woke up and shampooed the carpets in the house. Did two loads of laundry.  Had a great workout with a friend at the gym.  Got 100 Happy Birthdays from friends and family via Facebook and phone texts.  Three gentlemen called to wish me Happy Birthday.

Went shopping and found the PERFECT new rug for my living room.   AND while I was shopping a woman looked at me (and no I was not dressed like miss America, I had just left the gym)  But she looks at me then pops her husband and says ... I want to look like her, and pointed at me....  okay...THAT one put me in shock lol  :) 

Went to movies with son and watched a good movie  (Blind Side)  AND the moon is full :) Great day huh? The scale and I didn't see eye to eye today...but due to the time of month... I'm okay with that :)

Yesterday was quiet, cleaned some in house, and then had great water aerobics, dragging more and more friends to gym. :)  Today more of same at house then to gym to workout :) Got on scale down about 2lbs tyvm :)  having a good day...struggling some because have several men wanting my attention but none can seem to get the concept down to simply ask me out lol :)  Its Wednesday and I have no idea whom i am going out with on Friday...but I am not sitting home :)

Would rather find one person and date them constantly but last few want to date once every other week or so...I'm not interested in sitting at home for two weeks waiting on the phone to ring....hmmm I hope that doesn't sound bad...  Today is agood day...if my worse problem is whom to go out with.....I will be okay :)

This year St Patrick's Day was pretty great :) Well not that it is bad other years... but this year :) ....  See my daughter in law came to stay with me and was very understanding that I had a date planned already...  So the plan was she came to my school to meet my kids (after all they are the greatest students in the world how could she resist...)  then she would go shopping for a swim suit because we were going to the pool after my date.. and while she was shopping I would be on another "first date".   

My students really liked Jodie and she loved them, I introduced her to my coworkers who were like ...no really your her daughter in law?  She actually has a child that is old enough to be in Navy and be married?  (they say I don't look 40, and I'm not gonna fight it!)   We had a good time then I was off for my date. :)

 It was sorta a blind date I mean I had seen his pic and had talked to him on the phone....he seemed like  a nice enough guy but his picture was well...very average... (but I mean.. some of the greatest men in the world look "average"  Look at Bill Gates....)   Anyhow he and I text back and forth as we were working to find each other for coffee and Starbucks (he doesn't drink coffee...but I sooo do)   And as I am sending a reply txt... a man comes up behind me and says ...Hi looking for me? I turn around wondering who this person is so confident to just randomly approach someone and say that....  and OMG....  this guy was soooooo HOT.... if he wasn't my date already.... I was really hoping he could be sometime soon... (yes I know... sad swoosh.... lol)   But it was him... It has been a very long time...well I don't know if ever.... I have felt that way about someone ( a datable someone) ....  he was shorter then I thought he is about 6'....  still tall enough :) he is a body builder but not one that has gone like insane doing so....  so is quite fit... he has eyes that are that bright blue and when you look at them you cant hardly look away and he has a great haircut...its like really short on the sides and a bit longer on top.... and in the front lol there is this one tiny clump that was insisting on curling :)  Oh but it gets worse.....

A.  He was very supportive without being shocked about the lapband...even to the point of asking where he could take me to eat!!!
B. He is logical....  THATS RIGHT GIRLS!!!! LOGICAL!!!!  Owns his home and his car. :) 
C. Raising his kids :)
D. Divorced for reasons that are acceptable (not a beater or a cheater)
E. Has things set up for what he wants in life
F. LOVES the same restaurant I do....
G. Manners with slightly rough on the edges


Its funny normally I go out and the guy says ...okay I will call you later... mostly they do and that's nice, I enjoy getting to know if it will work with someone....but I really actually  wanted to hear from this guy again... I mean to the point that I wonder if I am actually even good enough to keep him... very odd feeling.... haven't ever felt this way before....  Its funny because had I known he looks as good as he does... and acts and great as he does....I probably wouldn't have accepted his offer to go out.... :)   And I love the fact that he txts me every night to wish me a good nights rest and every am to wish me a good day. :)

LOL I am ready to toss all other dates for him....  Its sad but I think I have it bad for him....  really scary.... might not work out ....idk...but I'm certainly going to find out.   And if all else fails its very flattering to know that I am able to turn the head of someone that looks like him... oh I did mention he is 5 yrs younger then me too right? lol :)  But that happens alot I'm sure. 

So had an amazing time with him, then to the gym with DIL for a great workout and dinner at seafood place :)  Such a great day :)  Hoping for many more to follow...ready to cancel all other dates....

There is one problem.... he is from the same town as my ex....  a town I am still afraid of.....  but I try not to think about that...

Yesterday was a great day. I was asked to and was brave enough to share my poem with our staff at the school.  They all enjoyed it which really made me feel good.  Then at the gym while talking to one of the staff she said I had been nominated feature member.... pretty cool, they write an article about you and I think you get a months free membership... I'm excited about the membership as i have a friend that is waiting for tummy tuck surgery and had to freeze her acct at the gym in stead of paying for it and not being able to go. If they will let me I'm gonna give it to her so she can keep coming. :)

Then i get home and have four different guys all want to take me out for Friday night.  As it stands ATM... I have a busy weekend;

Friday  Gym then date
Sat :  water aerobics 830am 
home by 11 to write paper
2pm Date
Home and possible date that night
Sunday is finish writing paper, water aerobics at 1pm,  tea with a friend and then maybe a 5pm date...  (maybe)  Busy but good weekend :)