ATL Diva 2009

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Well I guess I need to vent for a minute....I weigh every Friday with coworkers now just to make sure I'm staying on track. Normally my weight teeters between 155-158 with me hoping to eventually "settle" at around 165. I get on the scale yesterday and the scale said 153 now for you all that are not at goal that seems great but for me that is about 10 lbs under my personal ideal weight it was very disheartening! I am 5'10 and knocking 140's is not a good look for me. For the past month I've increased my caloric intake to about 1300-1400 up from 1000-1200 and drinking my water, taking vitamins,and not even doing a lot of exercise but still I lose. This is especially hard knowing in the next 4 months I'm going to be having plastics and probably will be a 4/6 over the 6/8 I am currently.

Its hard to find anyone that understand in WLS or non WLS because this is not a problem many face.  My body burns everything I take in and if I exert any energy I'm guranteed to lose at least 2 lbs. All blood work is normal so not missing anything my body evidently is just not ready to stop losing. The weird thing is everyone is commenting that it appears I'm putting on weight...guess to make me feel better.

ok venting over.

I apologize yet again for being so sporadic in my  blogging. Its very difficult since I've met goal to continue to post as frequently because the goal of weight loss has been achieved and maintaining that for the rest of my life is now the focus and goal.

I'm still around and check my inbox and post pictures every now and then but I'm among the land of the living now..not living my life through the PC but LIVING it to the fullest my life has had its share of ups and downs but I still sustained the blows and still I stand! I LOVE this creature  I'm evolving into and love the life I'm creating.


Good luck to all those pre-oper's and for those new on the journey keep making strieds towards your goal you'll get there!!!

Just a recap:

april 14, 2008:282, size 24 pants 3 x shirt

November 5, 2009- 150 size 6 pants small/med shirt

 

2008 was Wonderful
2009 is Great
but 2010 is going to BLOW my MIIIIIND and yours too ;-)
 

It's been over a MONTH since I've posted to my blog damn near TWO! I guess I've really had nothing new to report. My weight is pretty stable now between 155-157 on any given day. I'm still anticipating next year when I can have my plastics done. Other than that life is still life. The weight loss has not made all problems go away but the transformation within has given me a different outlook for everything else. I no longer beat myself up that if I had done xyz life would be different, I made bad choices, if I could just erase all of them things would be different. 

Now, I think that  each obstacle is a hand of cards and you're not out until you "fold" and I don't anticipate folding anytime soon.  Women still hate especially those that are intimidated by me whether it be because of my intelligence, my physicla looks, or the relationship I am slowly building with my husband and even the self love I have. I guess its the totoal package of feeling good about yourself and making no apologies for that EVEN if I am still flawed in some areas. I've come to realize that my positive outweigh my negatives and I will not nor will I allow anyone else to ever confuse those two again.

I think that keeps me healthy sane and steady pushing back!

I'm going for my plastic consult next month! I've finally decided to look into some surgeons. It isn't just cosmetic but now more about my health my belly button is gross I sweat under the "apron" and it flaps when I do any type of movement. Sex is getting a little uncomfortable and when I do wrk out i hate sooooo I embark on another leg of this journey.

I told hubby he got until January to get me knocked up otherwise we will wait for 2 years before we begin to try . I want to enjoy the work for a couple of years before I possibly stretch it out with pregnacy. This  will make us both 36 but I've wrestled with waiting for possibly 2 or 3 year to have the plastics while we go through the "ttc" process and STILL no babies..or go ahead and get what I want done and we'll see about the kids when God wants it to happen...plus I hate the way my stomach looks and because of the excess skin I really don't see the "thin" girl everyone else sees because to me my stomach looks the same at 155 as it did at 299

What happens now? I'm not losing weight anymore, my weight isn't really fluctuating for me to be concerned and 80% of the time I have this eating thing down pat. I don't get in the gym as I should and at this point has resolved myself that I probably won't be a "gym head" I attempt to stay active, I walk, I play with my nephews, I don't look for the enarest parking space, I take the stairs and I do a little yard work. Eventually I'll like to tone up some and of coruse get my plastics but honestly and truthlfully I am content right here! 

I am scared as hell to delve into this maintenance phase of the journey because i've always visited thinsville but that fat heifah always came to take me back home to fattown. I try to tell her she's not invited she can't just "drop in" with her bad habits, thoughts, and issues. I refuse to entertain those guest in my life anymore. 

Currently, this journey is ALL mental for me. I have to mentally keep myself in check and not unknowingly flirt with men because I'm genuinely being nice. I have to drop my guard a little when speaking to females because others don't see it as being reserved but being "stuck up/too good" so I  make sure that I am approachable. People think I'm being snotty when I say I didn't like the fat me and that I think I'm more attractive and simply "better" now.  But who are you to judge me because I can be truthful with myself and you? I know damn well, I'm a better wife, employee, friend, and self becvause of the changes I've made within myself.  I may have less people liking some of my ways but have more people respecting me than before.

As long as I'm lying down for you to walk on my back you're going to do it because that's easier for you and you like not having to work but you take me for granted. As soon as I stand up and you have to either walk around me or ask my permission to move its harder for you but you respect me and don't bring me no bull. I refuse to carry anyone else's drama I heard a friend say that she could not be her friends dumping ground today. I say that I will no longer be a food garbage disposal and eat what's given to me. I also will no longer be an emotional garbage disposal for anyone else's emotional access.

There are people who pretend to be excited for my accomplishment but then like a mirror try to reflect their insecurities onto me about the decision to have the surgery whether its my decision to have it or their own decision. I recognize what you're doing or have tried to do in my life, 300 lb Ro would have allowed your hating ass to stay in my life and literally drain my self esteem and confidence becaue I know you have "issues"  so I empathize and allow you to beat me up. The 155 lb Ro will  kick your ass to the curb so fast you won't even realize the car had stopped, I placed your baggage and YOU out of the ride of my life. 
Remember that.

I've been very quiet on OH for a while talking only when spoken to and things like that. But I've consistenly kept up with my blog cause it has been like therapy during these past 18 months since I began this process in Novemer of 2007. Although i find I have less and less to write or ponder about as I get acclamated to my new skin and life. I'm grateful for those that have found my page and have been inspired,motivated,comforted, or even shocked by the rawness which has been this journey of mine. It amazes me that as I look in retrospect at pictures and how at each stage I was so happy to get there and yet had I stopped I would never enjoy this place that I am right now and enjoy immensly.

I LOOOOOOVE ME right now not only because of the physical metamorphsis but because of the emotional and mental transformatio.n I've gone through. I'm finally happy with me job is still the same,finances still the same, marriage is a LOT better (hubby realizes men would love to be in his place and has begun to appreciate me more and I he). With the good and bad of it I love my life.

There are many dream crashers, stealers, or snatchers among you. You are aware of those that are open and direct. We can spot those from a mile away but there are those that are in your midst that are supporters in sheep clothing. Those are the ones that appear to be supporting you but back handedly making comments about your decision, or were happy for you but now that the weight is coming off they make comments that may sting. They may be folks on this board that are still preops and make comments like "I don't want to be as small as....(insert name even your own here) so why have the damn surgery? If you want to control not losing as much weight why not go nutrisystem or weight watcher if you don't want your body to find its "sweet spot" why go to this extreme because evidently you couldn't do it on your own.
"I'm glad you're losing the weight but don't get as small as... (insert name/even mine here)..."that may be a good size for you but I don't want to be "that" small"...just because I rock my shiot or display confidence in me (which I did as a pre-op as well) does that mean that I may not have weak moments where I have body image issues, or my confidence may be a lil shaky because I've gone from a size 24 to a 6/8 in 14 months...thats a bit of a mental trip!

Did removing the extra layer of weight somehow remove the manners you're suppose to have and the  respect for my privacy?
When I signed the HIPAA release forms at the surgeons and hospital did I also sign a release for you to comment on my weight or size?

I love my life right now and love the woman and person and eventhough I've made mistakes the wife I have become and yes I'm a little smaller than I wanted to be in the beginning but I much rather be a little smaller than I am comfortable with than being a little unhealthier and even a little bigger than I like just to be more liked or make YOU more comfortable to be around me. Yep, I got a big egooooooo such a big ego and I talk like this cause I can back it up!

So for all you insecure women and MEN both in my real life and the cyber world get a damn life and get out of mine!


Whew I feel much better

Well I'm on vacation in California at my moms and really am enjoying myself. I really am not as active here as I thought I would be nor am I as diligent aobout my dieting because I get tired of folks asking what can I eat.  So I just eat whatever and try to get my protein and water in. I did not like what I saw when I tried on the bathing suits so it appears that at least this year I will be shorts and tank topping because I do not care for my body in a bathing suit..

Being home I had a few people who had not seen me since earlier in my surgery or even preop that did not know who I was and I can almost always tell it because a blank look comes over them as they attempt to give me a polite hello until they realize who I am....its almost comical lol

but people who hadn't seen me since the weight gain said I hadn't changed a bit lmao!

I am so glad I made this decision!

I have found that I am not disciplined enough to eat out of a box of cheezits (my latest vice) or even a bag of chips unless it is a single serving size! I still have the eat it all to its gone mentality even if it takes me several hours or days  to finish.  I don't have that problem with sweets but something about hte "crunchies" peanuts, chips, pretzles I loose my damn mind! I have gained 2 lbs over the past couple of weeks (could be PMS bloat or could be attributed to the stress I've been under the past week with the issue with hubby but we'll see) 

I have to get my mind back into the game and focus on the end result is living a healthy life. My nephews will be back in town when I come back from vacation and I have made a commitment to myself that every morning and every evening I wll walk. I've stopped walking at work consistenly and have jsut become a slob.

Ok done pity partying now...back to work. 

I know I can keep real talk with my blog as I have in the past.

This has been one of the worst weekends  for me personally but in an odd way it has been one of the best for my marriage. My husband and I have been unhappy for a long time. I think I've been unhappy probably since the first 6 months we dated because I didn't feel he treated me the way I should have been and was honestly too weak to leave so stayed and tried harder to show him I was a great catch.
Anywho, I have been chatting with this man for the past couple of months  the things we shared were not appropriate to have outside of my marriage. Well hubby found copies of those conversations and he was devastated! I was on the fence about my marriage until this happened I don't want it to end and I don't want him to leave.

I have NEVER seen him as hurt and dejected and I will never inflict  that pain on him again.I was ashamed that I disappointed him.  He has hurt me in the past but the hurt I saw in his eyes erased all the hurt I had felt we were now even. We talked more these last  72 hour than we have  the last 72 months. I began to see him not as the immature boy I had begun to date but the man he had somehow changed into which surprisingly I had begged him to do but didn't recognize the change I asked for because it was easier to complain about the past than it was to forgive and move forward into the future.

Now, I have to ask him to do the same...I'm no better than he no more holier, I've made mistakes too and to as for forgiveness I must be willing to forgive. I have promised not to have conversations with this person and cut off any way he could communicate with me including mutual acquaintances. I must regain my husbands trust again.

How this relates to my wl journey? I have eaten HORRIBLY this wknd... not as bad as i could have but its not as well as normal. I was reminded that eating this destructively is what got me to 299 and I must find a way to let out my feelings but can't speak to friends or family without judgment. So glad vacation is in less than 2 wks need to run away for a while.  But the crazy shit is that  being the practical analytical person I am I always see the lesson. This indiscretion  was part of my growth part of the change within me and outwardly that I Rolonda can make a mistake. I don't have to be perfect and flawless.  I was always responsible,selfless and proper because THAT was part of my "fat girl" role of the past. This entire process has given me empathy to those that do make mistakes and to know they are not as one dimensional as that error. I am growing.

Although this is painful I know that you accomplish the most growth when it hurts the most.