ATL Diva 2009

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Well I really don't have much to type but attempitng to be consistent so many others they get to a certain point in their journey and all updates to their blogs stop so we'll see how well I do.

May is almost gone I've lost another pound (lol) and trying to eep my body to hold steady is a chore in and of itself. As you can see from my pics I'm not annorexic thin I just appear to be a tall thin gal but most aren't used to seeing that so you would swear I weighed 50 lbs  which when you're dealing with your own body image issues hearing other comments about you being too thin or questioning "when you'll stop" is sometimes a bit much. Through this entire process I was determined to let my body do what it wanted to do. I was a thin child and a slim teenager so I'm hoping my body has reached her "happy place" and will now begin to maintain.

I'm afraid to say that I'm "under my goal" because it seems that it gives me permission to eat what I want to get to where I want to be which will be hard to curb the bad habits if I do it to gain say 10-15 lbs which I was very happy and comfortable at but who's to say I'll stop at 10 what about 20 maybe 30? Naw, I believe I'm cool RIGHT here lol if I gain a few lbs I won't mind but I refuse to stop the weight loss by becoming my body's worst enemy for others comforts.

Home life is doing a little better we got our house rented and will stay with my brother for at least another year. DJ and I have our issues but I believe we're getting past them and he never seems to amaze me with how much he steps up when I've voiced my frustrations about our life. Professionally things are going well too! I dn't have the title and pay but I do have more responsibility and being groomed to begin my voyage into mgmt! I plan on finishing up my designation in the fall and going bac to get my 2 year in January so when God says move I'll be ready!

I still have not got my ass into the gym as I should and am not as toned or sculpted as i believe I should be but its  a process. I get my water in most days all my vitamins and my protein and I do get activity but still not at the level I want. But I'll continue to put it out there and eventually it will motivate me to do something...until next time peeps.

Your girl Ro

Spring is here and brings on the dilemma of shopping for spring and summer clothes! Last year I was a size16/18 during the summer this year I’ll be about an 8 maybe 6 (I had on a dress that was a size 8 yesterday that is now officially too big going to get it altered) and definitely small tops and dresses! I tried to buy my slacks this winter that I can wear all seasons but the shirts and my weekend wardrobes definitely need a boost. I’ve been trying to buy a few things at a time but the wardrobe is not building as quickly as I had hoped. So glad I’m going to moms house this month and maybe she’ll sorry and give me a jump start.   I can tell you for the first time in a log time I’m excited about buying a bathing suit!!! Now once I begin to try them on I may get disgusted but right now I’m really looking forward to it. What I have found is that once you get to a size 8 they really don’t make the clothes for the extra skin and so that has been disappointing a time or two because it just don’t “look” right although it fits.   I had been steady with my weight for about 5 weeks bouncing between 160-163 now I’m officially at 157 as of this morning. I would like to get down maybe 2 more lbs and stop. I’m going to buy some protein this weekend and resume my protein shakes. Maybe my NUT is right and I’m heading to 150 before this is all done YIKES   My relationship is good right now. I think I finally found the balance to make my marriage work and sustain me too. I’ll write more about that as time goes by don’t want to jinx it.

I contacted my surgeon's office a few weeks back to ask if there was anything I could do for their office (I could become very active in the hospitals support group but I much rather work with their office since I can provide testimony to their staff).  So Suzi from the office told me that I could come on the 21st to the new patient seminar. I was really nervous initially because I was afraid folks wouldn't  have questions or find me interesting lol.

Suzi introduced me and I spoke about the statisitics of my journey and the folks there had quite a few questions. 30 minutes later, I was finished! I think I provided some valuable information from a patient of Dr. Johnson's prespective and they got to see a real testament to his practice and staff. Afterwards, they told me I could come back and do it whenever I wanted! I was thrilled so we'll see where it goes!

I need a damn vacation…FIRST of all….  But these past two weeks has been WILD since I last blogged. Let me get the “medical stuff” out the way. I am officially1 year post op! Still holding strong between 160-163 lbs. I met with my NUT on the 14^th who told me that I was doing well and when I started talking about my weight she commented that she could see me very easily falling into 150-160 lbs and that’ where she would like me to “live”. I prefer to live between 160-170 or even 155-165 but we’ll see.

Currently my 10’s are a little too baggy and so are the one pair of 8’s I have. I don’t date attempt to try on 8’s or even 6’s!!! But next time I’m in a store I will just to see how things are going. I’m meeting with a plastic surgeon on Thursday about having my panni removed, a tummy tuck, and a breast lift. Not that I can even fathom getting this all done at once but just o see what I’m looking at cost wise and how long its going to take to save the money to have it done. My panni removal the insurance will cover if medically necessary and it is; and the others are on my own dime. We’ll see I also want kids and don’t know when that’s going to happen so don’t’ know in what order I’ll get this crap done.   I’m really feeling bad with life right now. I feel that as I’ve gained this confidence folks really don’t know how to take the “new” Ro…they were ok with the transforming but not sure if they are truly ready for what I’ve transformed into.  Hell, I don’t know what I’m turning into I feel like a teenager again trying to define myself in this world but with all the baggage of the “old” me with family and friends. Its like they encourage change as long as you don’t change with them. Imagine the hypocrisy in that!         So, I don’t know I’m still searching…..

I think I am one of a few that actually bought clothing items through this journey (which I highly advise even if its just a few pieces or at least make friends with a good tailor to help you alter pieces as you go) anyway...I am so glad I did it but what that meant was that every few months I was having to clean my closet of the old items to make run for the new-which I did faithfully and gratefully! Well today I was looking for an earring so I thought maybe it fell in my drawer which made me take on the task of cleaning out my underwear;sleepwear;and t-shirts sweat drawer. I figured that while I was doing this I coudl throw away raggedy or torn up items and purge before we move back to our house next month. Underwear drawer was east much to the pleasure of hubby I got rid of all the old shiny granny panties and bought some cute ones for him that were still comfortable for me. I had a couple of bras that were too big (I'm 34b I had a 42 D still in my drawer lol)  and a body shapper that I wore over 135 lbs ago. The sleep wear was pretty easy too because again threw out the mumu gowns and have bought some cute lounge wear/sleep wear.  My difficulty came with the last two drawers. I actually wasn't planning on going through these drawers at all. I was simply trying to put some tshirts that had gotten done in the wash away.

I couldn't get them in. No matter how I tried I could not get the drawer closed. I realized I have too much stuff in there! I couldn't believe it so I took some items out and much to my horror I still had 2x sweats and size 24 t-shirts. How did this happen? I realized that these were my favorite shorts and t's! Although they were WAAAY too big I could not stand to part with them. I wore them occassionally and looked a mess in them and promised to throw them out but after the wash they went back in the drawer. However now I'm in a dillemma because of these clothes that are too big and had no business in the drawer were now taking up room that I needed to put things that did fit. Either I had to part with my old favorite items or throw  away the new things? Suddenly an Oprah "Aha" moment came. I've been told that in order to make room you have to let things go and here was the illustration I needed.

Which made me come up with two questions:
  If you don't get rid of the old stuff where do you put the new things once received?

If you have a drawer full of things that don't fit how valuable is the things to you if you can't wear them  anyway?

Just random thoughts the journeys I have before me  
I wrote this LONG blog yesterday and my PC froze and lost everything which is good because I have just a few random thoughts that I want to get out of my head. I don't need validation which is why most of the time I put my thoughts in my blog as oppose to posting questions where you're asking for opinions. In my blogs I invite you in to my heart and mind but its for encouragement not for judgement.  Its also to say that if you don't have the strength to write your struggles you can see that you're not the only one and whether you're overweight or normal weight i comes with their own challenges on this journey of life.  

The fat girl is evil  

Yesterday I posted to a forum question regarding what boils down to as preference between a slim chick and a fat chick. We on the boards immediately got on the defensive (most that posted were preops or post ops that were still “thick”) defending “those with a little meat” last year I would have been right on that band wagon talking about the internal value over the external and how shallow people are. Nevertheless, with a BMI of 23.1 I’m actually one of those with NO meat on her bones except enough to cover my bones and I’m a thin chick. Imagine the HELL out of that! I actually felt attacked because in these types of arguments or discussions whether its about race, religion, skin color you always defend with your personal view (or preference) which then means you’re actually attacking or generalizing someone else based on your preference and stating it as fact. The sad part, is nothing gets accomplished no minds are changed but feelings get hurt. I then said that I refuse to defend fat because on a daily basis that fat heifah and me are tumbling to keep her out of my body and most importantly out of my head. I gave her 13 years of my life and I KNOW for me personally I was NOT at my best at 299. Yeah confidence, loving yourself, happy in the skin that you are in, and all that. I HATED how I looked; yep I said it. I was confident, I was intelligent, funny, and all that jazz the internal was great but the physical was a mess and I wanted all that God has for me, which included being happy when I looked in the mirror. Health was a factor but so was the physical change that I knew would happen and the fact that I wanted to enjoy my life. Did I imagine the transformation that was going to happen? Not at all, I look better now and when I was thin my head was so phucked up I didn’t have the confidence and esteem to really notice what I had. Over the past 13 years through therapy and self-love, I have gained confidence and rediscovered my self- esteem and I was ready for the world to see what I saw. So my internal self is a thin chick that fat one was evil. She came to steal my health and destroy my life. I’m glad the bytch gone and I’m going to fight with every ounce of my strength to not let her ass back in. She may be who I was but she’s not who I am.  This journey is about keeping her behind me and running as fast as I can from her….  

Men and physical attraction 

  I LOVES me some men! Yep, I’m married but I LOVE the attention I get. I’ve always been flirty and quick witted but somehow the words that came out of the 299 mouth and what comes out 160 is different. When I was heavy I know the physical wasn’t that hot so I entranced folks with my mind, my conversation, and my humor. Now, I still have those qualities but the wrapping is a lot different and men approach me differently. I have gotten so many advances on the freeway, grocery store, the cleaners, the movies in just sweats or jeans and a t-shirt that before I only got when I was showing ALL my assets (low cut shirt, short skirt) and TRYING to get it. I look better now on my worse day then I did on my best heavier.    True, that’s gone to my head some and I toe the infidelity line to its limit without crossing it (hey this is my blog and I’m going to keep it real). I know my husband “bought” me on discount because I wasn’t at my best physically or emotionally eight years ago and I’m a little pissed about that because I sold myself so short.  He and I have to figure out if its possible for him pay the “difference” between the sales price and the regular price and if so, how. My plan is to fight for my marriage until there is nothing left to fight for and I really don’t think we’ve gotten to that point yet.  We’re on a journey….  

Plastics 

  I think I want them now. I really don’t want a tummy tuck but I would like my panni removed. Its uncomfortable and when I run it flaps (I know yuck right) However, since I have not really invested the time into my body yet to tone and tighten I really can’t even seriously consider it for at least another year until I’ve done that work. Maybe if I focus on the gym I wouldn’t have all this idle time on my hand to get myself in trouble. The journey continues……  
Friends  
I know more people but have fewer friends now because this is such an internal and personal journey that even those that are on the journey sometimes can’t walk with you because the path that we took to get here is so different. When you start dealing with the issues of fat and reversing the decisions that were made and undoing the emotional and mental damage that the weight did things that I’m dealing with may not surface for you. I am real today yesterday and hopefully tomorrow. I have learned to speak my heart because I’ve learned that its better out than me internalizing and I know I’m a work in progress. Most people are not that in tune with themselves they still wear mask of what they want to be to others or themselves. I can’t deal with individuals like that because you’re going to be sorely disappointed in me because I am not perfect and don’t profess to be.  i have flaws and some habits that need to be corrected and am fully aware of them and what I ned to do to change the for the most part. Some people cant take the rawness of self awareness.  To be more connected is a constant journey….  

I think I’m done right now I have many things on my mind and as you can tell I need a point of release. Until next time.

Actually tomorrow should have been my "rebirth day" but surgery was postponed from 3/31 to 4/14  whta's a few days between friends?  

Lets see where I begin? WOW...let me take a minute. How can I describe the journey thus far?  The joy I feel is beyond words  the happiness immeasurable..  I like to think that I have evolved as a person since making the decision in October of 2007. When I went to Dr. Johnson's office I weighed in at a whopping 297 lbs (I had lost a couple of pounds probably didn't eat that morning) at 5'10 and 297 I was a definite candidate for WLS. I had a history of HBP, and was diabetic, infertile due to my weight, and couldn't wear a heel higher than a tennis shoe because my feet and back hurt. I was TIRED yall! I had enough of waiting for my life to start because I was waiting for the spring diet, summer diet, fall well you get the picture. When I graduated from high school, I was 185 and after graduation managed to balloon up to 299 lbs within 13 years! I tried alone and actually was upset when folks suggested that I needed to have this thing called surgery when I knew that all it took was determination, dedication, and motivation because I had lost 50-80 lbs before.  However, I said ENOUGH after reading an Ebony article and began looking into the surgery.
 
I went to the seminar at Dr. Johnson's office and knew this was it for me a tool to help me get the weight off so that I could maintain it on my own for life. I had little difficult getting it approved and on March 31st I went in to the hospital and got sent back home for a fever. Tried again on 4/14 and this time it was a success. My weight loss was amazing! I lost 25 lbs in two weeks and Dr. Johnson said that it wouldn't continue but guess what? At my 3 month post op I was down 60 lbs and by 6 months I had lost 120 lbs and as of today I weigh in at a slim 161 lbs. for a total weight lose of 138 lbs from my highest weight in less than a year!!!!!! I got my lab results back from my 1^st year post op and they were are normal and well within the limit of normal. This makes my surgeon happy because he has been so surprised by the way the weight melted off he wanted to make sure that I was eating and my body wasn’t in distress which it isn’t which means “keep doing what you doing boo”  

I stated in an email yesterday that I was always one of the best “gifts” a person could have in their life but my packaging was a little damaged. There were many people, both male and female that looked at the package and determined the worth of the gift inside --personally and professionally, I was undervalued. This resulted in my always trying to PROVE that I belong and that they made a good choice and to “show the others” that passed me by what they missed. The package has changed and so therefore, the value has gone up although nothing inside has changed.   Men treat me differently now which most times I’m oblivious of because I was always a fool, quick witted, and said what was on my mind---just one of the guys.  One thing that I am still trying to navigate is my relationship and friendships with men. Women treat me differently they are a little standoffish for the most part and seem genuinely surprised when I begin to speak and they find that I’m  a nice person.  

I’ll tell you I don’t regret a decision I’ve made through this journey…do I go to the gym the way I should? Not really, but I’m going to try to get better. Do I eat all my protein and watch my diet? Yep pretty much. Do I take all my vitamin? Yep Get all my water in? Most days.  Have I transferred my addiction? I think so I speak my mind a lot more. I refuse to spill my guts to a galloon of cookie and cream ice cream when I could just tell my husband he pissed me off for not taking the trash out and get it over with lol. Its never a finish line, there is always something else that you can improve on. Eventually I KNOW I gotta get my ass into a steady stream of physical activity but I’ve learned that its ok. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither was my life. It is OK not to have it all together out the gate what’s the fun of life if you have nothing to get up for to try to be better. I’m truly in awe and humbled   Just a bit of reflection:    

My stats as of 11/1/07
weight-299 BMI of 42.9
chest-52
waist 58
hips 52 Pant size: 26 Shirt size 22 Dress size 24 Bra size 44 D Panty size 10
 
Stats in the 09
weight-161 (as of 3/30/09)  and BMI 21.3   My measurements as of 2/1/09 chest 34
waist 36.5
hips 34 Pant size 8 Shirt size s/m Dress size-6 Bra size 34B Panty size 5    

I don't plan to write another blog for next three weeks until I can articulate my one year post op thought.

Well I can't believe I haven't blogged for a few weeks. I wanted to make sure I  blogged consistently my first year and as of yesterday I''m 11 months out. I think I may be at the same weight bouncing between 164-167 lbs I robably won't weigh again until my one year FU which will be sometime in the next coule of weeks.  I've been very tired the past  few weeks kinda how I felt the first couple months ost o. So I called the surgeon and spoke with a nurse who recommended I get my labs a little earlier to see what"s going on. I take my vitamins religiously and am faithful with my rotein and water so don't know what's happening but we will soon see.

Other than that everything else is going well and getting ready to buy my spring/summer clothes since last spring I was a22 and I finished the summer in a 14. These days I'm rocking 8's and 10's and robably could get into some 6 dresses. I'm looking at shoes with heels for every day wear which I've never done.

On a vain note I have to start practicing my smile I have as ?Tyra says one look I took pictures last night at a club at three differnet time periods and you would have thought they were at the same time. All doe eyed, wide smile... yuck lol so thats one of my goals for next year get comfortable in front of the camera. Another thing a fellow OH members and I discussed last night is what looked good on you at 299 don't always translate into cute at 160. My hair for example I believe is too big for my small face but I don't want to perm it to lay it down or cut it to thin the fro out and flat ironing it in GA during the summer is  a waste

But what a problem to have over HBP, diabetes, fatigue,infertility, and just plain disgust at myself, I'll take "bad hair  day" anytime

I beleive in Janauary I posted this ambitious post about the work out program I was going to incorpoarte to be ready for my birthday well I ain't did NADA! I have worked out more but it still isn't consistent I think my life has become more active I do more I move more but I still don't have a normal routine but I have lost an addiitionl 4 or 5 lbs since that post. 

I've finally decided that  I would reserve a few tables at a new "grown and sexy" spot in the "A" meet for dinner and/or drinks with my friends and then dance the night away.  I LOVE my birthday, always has but this year is the best birthday in a long time because I am truly happy with ME. There is nothing that I would change about this past year. Is my life where I want it to be? No. Is it where it should be? Def yes. I am learning how to seperate my time from God's time. I know that I am exactly where I'm suppose to be at this point in my life and I'm learning to enjoy the place I'm at without looking at all I haven't accomplished up the road. 

The one thing I regret is that I haven't been to church as much as I should have been through this journey and I'm working on that but not beating myself up about it and just improving it.