ATL Diva 2009

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I went to the hospital Monday morning and was sent back home due to having a low grade fever and my white blood cells being elevated (meaning an infection. went to my PCP and no fever, so I'll have my wbc's checked Thursday with a new date for 4/14.

With three more days this is all I got......
Declaration This Is It

Check it out, ya'll
(There've been times in my life)
I'm tired and I wanna give up
(I've been wondering why)
Why is the world gettin' so crazy?
(Still, somehow I believe)
I've come too far to die now
(I always survive)
If you're a survivor, get up!
Let's get it!

Gonna cry now, go ahead and get it out of my system
I know I hurt now, but soon I gotta get back to livin'
Can't be here next year, givin' you these same tears
I hope you enjoyed it, 'cause it's the last time you will take a piece of me

I start right now, I don't know how I'm gonna get thru it
I know right now, I pray somehow 'cause I can't do it
I can't keep livin' like this, there's gotta be more than this
Jesus, I'm ready, I'm ready for what you have for me

Chorus
(Are you gonna wait for a sign?)
Are you ready for'you're miracle
God's people it's time to'(stand up and fight)
Let's get it, let's get it'This is it!!
You can't mess with my mind anymore'This is it!
I'm smarter, see I've been here before'This is it!
It's time today, I'm not afraid anymore'This is it!
Yes, I believe, if you believe, help me say'This is it!

I'm a child of the King baby, look at somebody and tell 'em'This is it!

I look back now, I look at how you tried to break me
To take my life, my peace of mind and drive me crazy
My self esteem, my dreams, my destiny
So, God allowed it, because He knew He had big plans for me (Hallelujah!)

[Declaration (This Is It!) lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

It's your grace, I know today it's how I made it (Thank You, Jesus)
When I thought that it was over' (Lord, have mercy)

Chorus

Everybody that's been holdin' you down, look at 'em and tell 'em'This is it!
I feel my help coming on right now, ya'all'

You think that maybe it's over'(You're life ain't over)
Not unless you want it to be

(Are you gonna wait for a sign?)'you're miracle
(stand up and fight)

Rap
This is it ya'll, this is it ya'all
You've been waitin' and debating , here it is, ya'll
All your stuff from your past, shake it off ya'll
Though they said you wouldn't last, but who is ya'll?
Want your dreams back? Let's get it!
Your peace of mind back? Let's get it!
Want your family back? Let's get it!
Are you ready? Let's get it! (This is it!)
I speak against everything that comes to destroy the purpose in your life'This is it!
Worrying about your finances, your future, when you can't even sleep at night'This is it!
I speak against depression and fear, every attack from the enemy'This is it!
This is your day, the Lord made it baby! God has set you free!'This is it!

You can't mess with my mind anymore'This is it!
I'm smarter, see I've been here before'This is it!
It's time today, I'm not afraid anymore'This is it!
I wanna hear ya'll sing this with your boy!
Every body say'This is it!

You can't mess with my mind anymore'This is it!
I'm smarter, see I've been here before'This is it!
It's time today, I'm not afraid anymore'This is it!
Yes, I believe, if you believe, help me say'This is it! 


Let It Go
I couldn't seem to fall asleep
There was so much on my mind
Searching for that peace
But the peace I could not find
So then I kneeled down to pray
Praying help me please
But then he said you don’t have to cry
Cause I’ll supply all your needs

HOOK:
As soon as I stop worrying,
Worrying how the story ends
When I let go and I let God
Let God have His way

That’s when things start happening
When I stopped looking at back then
I let go and I let God
Let God Have his way


LEAD:
There’s so much going on
Sometimes I can’t find my way
And often times I struggle
Struggle from day to day
I have to realize that it’s not my battle
Not my battle to fight
I have to know if I put it in your hands
Everything will be alright

HOOK:
As soon as I stop worrying,
Worrying how the story ends
I let go and I let God
Let God have His way

That’s when things start happening
When I stopped looking at back then
I let go and I let God Have his way
Let God Have his way

Lead
Let go, let God
Let go, and let God
let go, let God
Oh let go and let God
Let go, and let God
My brother let go and let God
My sister you can’t handle it,
Let God
Oh let go and Let God

Choir
Let go and Let God
Let go and Let God
Let go and Let God
He’s the only one with the answers just let God
Let go and Let God
He can handle it all, yes He can
Let go and Let God
With tears in your eyes just let God
Let go and Let God
He feels your pain
Let go and Let God
And he know your heart
Let go and Let God
He knows your issues
Let go and Let God
He knows your struggles
Let go and Let God
So let go and Let God

ALL SING:

Soon as
As soon as I stop worrying, soon as I stopped worrying
Worrying how the story ends Then and only then can I ,
I let go and I let God I can let go
Let God have His way I can let God, Let him have his way
That’s when, that’s when
That’s when things start happening everything will turn around yes it will
When I stopped looking at back then when I stopped looking at way back then, I can
I let go and I let God I can let go I can let God
Let God Have his way Oh, Soon as


As soon as I stop worrying, Oh~
Oh yeah~ That’s when things start happening
My body was healed and my worries were cast aside as soon as
Soon as I stopped worrying
When I threw up both of my hands and I gave it over to him
That’s when things
That’s when things start happening
When I let go and I let God

Work That

Work your thing out
Work your thing out
Work your thing out
Work your thing out

Theres so many-a girls
I hear you been running
From the beautiful queen
That you could be becoming
You can look at my palm
And see the storm coming
Read the book of my life
And see I've overcome it
Just because the length of your hair ain't long
And they often criticize you for your skin tone
Wanna hold your head high
Cause you're a pretty woman
Get your runway stride home
And keep going
Girl live ya life

I just wanna be myself
Don't sweat girl be yourself
Follow me
Follow me
Follow me
Girl be yourself
That's why I be myself
And I'm gonna love it

Let em get mad
They gonna hate anyway
Don't you get that?
Doesn't matter if you're going on with their plan
They'll never be happy
Cause they're not happy with themselves

Na na work what you got
I'm talking bout things that I know
Na na work what you got
It's okay show yourself some love
Na na work what you got
Don't worry bout who's saying what
It's gonna be fine
Work what you got

Feelin great because the light's on me
Celebrating the things that everyone told me
Would never happen but God has put his hands on me
And aint a man alive could ever take it from me
Working with what I got I gotta keep on
Taking care of myself I wanna live long
Aint never ashamed what life did to me
[Work That lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

Wasn't afraid to change cause it was good for me
I wanna...

I just wanna be myself
Don't sweat girl be yourself
Follow me
Follow me
Follow me
Girl be yourself
That's why I be myself
And I'm gonna love it

Let em get mad
They gonna hate anyway
Don't you get that?
Doesn't matter if you're going on with their plan
They'll never be happy
Cause they're not happy with themselves

Na na work what you got
I'm talking bout things that I know
Na na work what you got
It's okay show yourself some love
Na na work what you got
Don't worry bout who's saying what
It's gonna be fine
Work what you got

Work that
Work that
Work that
Girl don't hold back
You just be yourself

Na na work what you got
I'm talking bout things that I know
Na na work what you got
It's okay show yourself some love
Na na work what you got
Don't worry bout who's saying what
It's gonna be fine
Work what you got

Work that
Work that
Work that
Girl don't hold back
You just be yourself

Work that thing out
Work that thing out
Work what you got 



3 days....and counting

tomorrow is my last day of work until April 21st.  I'm trying to ge all my stuff done so that I'm not stressing while I'm out because I take pride in my work and my position.

I've eaten pretty decent this week and am SOOOOO ready for Monday.  I go in for my pre-op at the hospital on Friday. the vitamins, copays, and office visits have taken a toll on us financially  but I refuse to allow it to stress me out.  I'm so glad I'll be out an entire month so that I can get our bills and our spending under control.  We will spend less on the simple fact that I wo't be eating at all aand I'm really the bad eater between my hussband and myself.

I am so paranoid at work that I thought my supervisor was attempting to set me up and thought about it pretty much he past 6 hours and finall figred out tht i had nothing to do with her so I really need a break so that I'm not so distrustful of my coworkers.

these are just random thought to keep up the habit of daily blogging!!! This time next week I'll hopefully have came home and will be sitting on that banch(as us southern folks say, bench for you northerners lol)

don't have much to talk about got 6 days until surgery and three days until I'm off for 3 weeks. I've bought my vitsamins filled my pain script and bought some posicles, jello, and pudding to get used to the taste. Got my hair braided  FMLA paperwork is in the hR office.  I also pulled out my four boxes of two little clothing to start fixing the damage Ive caused to them (broken buttons, snaps, and zppers). Ifigure except for odds and ends I won't need clothes until possibly fall. Maybe even winter except for if I just want to buy things bu no need for them except fr undies.

I can't wait until I'm on the other side of this process. I think my biggest thing is the fact that i carry all my weight in my stomach I look like I'm about 6 months pregnant and some folks let me know this by their questios.  During my psych evalualtion the psych said to begin thinking of what I wanted from life because peoples prespective of me will change and I'll have more opportunities available to me.

Today is my birthday. Normally I LOVE birthdays! I'm the person that has birthday WEEK. This year I wasn't so into my birthday not because I'm turning 31 and feel that I'm getting old but I think its because I'm so focused on this surgery. I always look at my birthday like New Years Day. I take a look at the last year reflect on my accomplishments what I need to work on and all of that. Most years I think I've always felk that I'm "Behind".  I wasn't as far along in my life as I should have been, as society said I should, or that my God giving potential that I know is inside me. 
There are several things that over the years I've used to measure how successful I was the prior year.
I haven't finished my degree
I hadn't married
I was in debt
 didn't have a flashy ca,
better position at work
no kids
 truly self sufficent
 and still unhealthy which was a direct reflection on my self esteem and also  my discipline., If I couldn't  treat me better and give me what I deserved how in the hell was I suppose to demand it of others?

So, when I turned 30 I said ENOUGH! I'm going to look out for me and do what i need to do and the material things will follow OR I would no longer care about them or judge myself by what on my list I completed or how I measured up to someone else standards.
I am going to do me, stop focusing on what I don't have and focus on what I can change.

I started looking into WLS because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was tired of myeentire life revolving around my weight . "Wait until l the summer, wait until the fall, wait until I lose weight ' i will no longer have that as the focal point of my existence and wearing it on my chest like a scarlet letter.

I said all that to say this year is the first time that I'm happy to be me, I'm working towards m goal and I'm seeing them come to fruition.

Happy Birthday to me!

I stole this from a post made on BAF messageboard and was going to respond there and decided to use that as my daily blog.

1) To the director of my department for bringing in someone less qualified, less educated, and less knowledgeable than me to be my supervisor...kiss my grits!

2) To my supervisor that has to throw her title around in order to have any type of control over me....kiss my grits

3) To the folks that beleive that because I have told thema few things about myself that they have a PHD in me and know better than me what's good for me....kiss my girts

4) To the devil who thought that he would destroy me....kiss my grits

5) To folks who have a different opinion than me about WLS based on something they heard 3rd or 4th hand....yep, you can kiss my grits

6)To folks who are smiling in my face and are waiting for me to fail....KISS MY GRITS!

nine days and counting.....

Get my hair braided. Decided I'll get some corn rows since my hair is natural so I won't look like a sharecropper for the next few weeks. I kep saying I was going to do that a week out and here we are!!! I also need ot be a little overnight bag (since got married threw other away lol) and some slippers and travel size toothpaste....I feel like I'm preparing for birth as I've mentioned before but I guess I am the rebirth of me.

Theme song.....Can't tell me NOTHING
10 days and counting.....

Wow, 11 days until I begin a new chapter of my life.  I'm so excied and overwhelmed that I am really doing this.  but its ok, I haven't eaten how I should because I have this no more food thought and its not the food that I'll be missing but it is the association with food. Going out to lunch with my friends to the movies with my hsband and the snack bar. So evenothough food is not going away forever the way I look at food is because I can not fail with this. Failure is not an option....

Today was my "class" with the nut. I paid 50 for her to speak to  of us for 30 minutes!!!!! Hmmm 300 for 30 minutes (that's NOT covered by insurance0 is a good job!!!! She did confirm for me some things that i had read in my own research on OH and the BAF message board but it seemed different for some reason from me hearing what someone else does and what I need to do. 
I bought my vitamins this afternoon and will buy smaller cups, plate, and utensils on Friday.

My birthday is Sunday so fitting that my birthday this year falls on Resurrection Sunday and I too will "die" into myself but will rebirth a new creature hopefully better than the current.

12 days and counting.

As I was going through my mail from the past mave a control issue over my lonth I realize that I have a control issue over my life. The issue is I hide. when things begin to getting too much I make myself "feel better" by avoiding the real issue and do something else. I eat, I spend money on things I don' need and I get myself in bad debt which equals bad credit.  Its like when things go wrong or people treat me wrong I soothe mself by doing damage o myself by overeating or not being a good steward over my funds.

That's just one thing. But I've realized taht as of 4-1-08 I'm going to live the "good life" in all areas of my life. Also, if I don't get control over the bills, my marriage, my work,  and all of the things that make my life mine I will not use this tool as effectivley as i can and eventually I will not be as successful as I should be. My natural personality is an organizer I can not be sucessful in anything unless I provide myself something in writing and follow that to the "t".So, I am also giving myself 12-18 months to get myself together if I don't then i will forever by in this place that I am at.
So, here are my goals for the next 12-18 months in writing for all the wolrd to see and to hold me accountable. My reward to myself will be a brand new car! Yep, I've put it out there.....

1)Create a budget and follow it so that I pay off all my debt and loans and keep my bills current
2) Mov seven das aweek ( a walk, bike ride, gym) but some form of activity
3)Find the passion in my marriage again
4)Clean out my house and get it rented out
5)When I use something, drink something, eat something, wash something put it away or clean it up as soon as I'm done
6)Journal every day whether its in my own journal or on OH blog but I will not internalize anything nor will I hold in anyone's junk. I am not a garbage disposal not for food OR for other people's garbage.
7)I will recommit myself to becoming spiritiually centered
8) Continue to grow professionally

I can do ALL things through Christ
15 days and counting.....