JennaKopanyi

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It's the weird things that you tend to notice as your appearance changes. Like my eyes seem huge in more current pictures, because my cheeks were so fat that they were hiding my eyes, making me appear to be squinting. I'm still getting used to seeing my eyes look so big and shifting my idea of personal beauty. What appears bug-eyed at first (to me) will eventually turn into , oh I have large, lovely eyes.
Even at my heaviest, I never saw myself as unattractive, I'm a Leo, I'm all ego, but now I look back at pictures I thought at the time I looked great in, and I have to ask myself who is that girl? Did I believe she was beautiful, because I don't now. I love the new external me. My internals are still under recontruction, will probably always be, but I love that new me too, I think because she's not changing, she's evolving. There are so many things I hated about me when I was thin, most of which was that I was superficial and mean. I don't want to go back to that, and the more secure I am in who I am, and how happy I am, the less chance I have to worry about her resurrection.
And I am, happy that is. My life is almost perfect, and it's perfect enough for now.
In the future, however...
I would like a house (we have a condo right now)
I would like a healthy pregancy resulting in a daughter (if I can't be specific on what would bring me most joy, why bother?)
I would like to get a new car (mine is almost 11 years old and dying)
I would like to write full time
and I would like to get my teeth straightened

That's a pretty short list to lead to perfect happiness, but it's all I need. I already have the worlds greatest husband, the most amazing little boy, exceptional friends, and my health.

Went in for the 6 month check up today, everything is good and on track. On their scale I weighed in at 150 (BMI is 25) so they are over the moon.

Doc is still flummoxed by my random dizzy spells, he has no clue what the problem is... blood sugar and blood pressure are fine, all nutrient levels are right where they should be, I drink more than enough... so we've decided I'm going to suck it up and hope that it will all even out over the next few months (my words, not his). He thinks my body is just changing so fast that it needs time to catch up with itself.

In the mean time, i go back in 3 months, I have a lab slip for all sorts of tests, and I'm going to try the isotonic vitamins when my chewies run out. The office is writing up my letter of medical necessity so I can get my vitamins with FSA funds (woot!)

Next support group is the 24th and they'll check on me then. In teh mean time, I do what I'm doing now, and enjoy this new life of mine :)

I probably should not have dyed my hair. It’s falling out more rapidly now. I am considering cutting it to just above my shoulders. I think that if there is less hair, then the nutrients that goes to my hair will be more effective. Anyone else run into this and cut their hair post-op for these reasons? I’m 6 months out, I’m going to start taking my B-50’s again, but I think I want to start over with my hair growth. All those long strands coming out any time I touch my hair makes me cry, and I’m experiencing split ends for the first time since I stopped using heat on my hair on a regular basis (oh the ‘80’s).

So here’s the dilemma, Todd hates it when I cut my hair. When I was in my mid-teens until mid-20’s, I used cutting my hair as a mild form of self-mutilation. I didn’t look good with short hair, but I would cut it very short anyway to punish myself for some reason or another (I had a lot of internal damage). Unfortunately my hubby knows about that, so he gets freaked out whenever I cut my hair, like he did something wrong and I’m unhappy with him or my life, which is the furthest thing from the truth.

I think my hair would look healthier shorter, appear thicker, and I think it would also look cute with my face now. I’m not talking like 2 inches from the scalp, just above the shoulders.

 

Opinions? Suggestions? Advice?

Obesity isn’t what is killing Americans, it’s a symptom of a bigger disease. What is killing us is not caring and/or giving up on our health.  You can’t make people care enough to take care of themselves, and a lot of people with serious health issues (including morbid obesity) just give up. They feel, this is what I’ve been dealt, I’ve tried to change and I failed, so I just need to accept this as my lot in life.

It’s crap.

I’m proud of each and every person on here, because by being here you all have proved that you don’t have to sit back and take what life has dealt you. You aren’t giving up, and you care about what happens to you.

But enough about you guys, you aren’t the problem, and you aren’t who is stressing me out.

My dad’s side of the family is not healthy. In fact they keep dying off. My grandma is the last of her siblings, my grandfather died when I was in high school, my uncle died when I was in middle school. My dad will be the last of his siblings by the end of the year because his sister has given up.

My aunt, has kidney failure, she has to go to dialysis 3 times a week, and still she eats things she shouldn’t because “they’ll clean it out anyway”, she has uncontrolled diabetes, she has heart issues, has had at least one heart attack, she’s had multiple strokes, she’s had blood poisoning more than once, her vision is failing (due in large part to the uncontrolled diabetes) and she’s had muscle removed from her leg to graft in other areas of her body. Why am I complaining about her, you might ask? She’s survived all of that, she’s still here, doesn’t that mean she’s not given up? She’s mean to my grandmother, who at 87, takes care of her every day. She doesn’t take care of herself. She got an infection in her foot and when she was sent a pump to use at home to drain the infection, she refused to use it because it wasn’t the one she wanted. She collapsed on the way to dialysis three days ago and was admitted to the hospital. Two days ago, they amputated her big toe, it couldn’t be saved. Yesterday they took her leg from below the knee. All because she didn’t like the pump she was sent.

This is why I believe she’s finally given up. She’s bounced back before when I was convinced she was done, but this is probably the final straw, I think she’s broken and tired of living in her body. And while I feel bad that she’s gone through all of this, she’s done most of it to herself by not seeking care. She wasn’t even taking anything for her diabetes or heart condition until she collapsed in church five years ago. I’m so frustrated because there is no way to reach her. And I’m angry because when she does die, it’s going to kill my Grandmother and my Dad. They have lost so many people in their lives already. In case you were paying attention, yes, this is the same Grandma who made the “beautiful under the blubber” comment, but those were words, and this is life and death. In some ways, I think Grandma’s life will be easier without Karen around and Dad would finally be able to convince her to move out to Albuquerque with them, but Grandma has been taking care of someone (first her kids, then her husband, then her daughter again) her entire adult life, will she know what to do with herself once that purpose is removed? Maybe this whole post is coming off as callous, but if she doesn’t care about living, then why do I need to sugar coat anything?

Like Teddi’s post about her father telling her not to end up like him, I look at Karen and am grateful I will never end up like her. I took charge of my health, my diabetes is in remission, and I have so much in my life that I’m not willing to give up on. It’s upsetting that she doesn’t have that, she never married, no children, her only reason for living seems to be to torment my grandmother, and that’s no reason at all. I don’t think I’m heartless, even though this post probably sounds like it, but I needed to get these feelings off my chest.  Thanks for listening.

I talked to my grandma last week... she told me she was proud of me and she knew i was "beautiful under all that blubber"

I know she must have thought she was saying something complimenary but she made me so angry it was all I coudl do to civilly finish the phone call.

Who says stuff like that?

I like time off of work as much as the next girl, but I think I really missed my structured days last week...
I was kinda a slacker on the working out bits of my life because I just wanted to relax. I cleaned a lot, and I went to the gym 5 out of 10 days (they were closed for 3 days, so not entirely on me), I did some exercise videos a couple nights until my legs got really tight, and I took a couple of long walks- one of which was 3 miles, and I didn't even get winded, I can't remember the last time I've been able to do that.
I forgot to weigh in this morning, so I don't know what the holiday damage is, if anything. I don't eat meals when I'm home alone, but I snack... and I know I shouldn't, but I just have no sense of time or anything, and I often don't get in all of my vitamins if I don't have alarms going off at me. I drank a lot though, fruit2O, crystal light, ocean spray SF drink, protein shakes, so I'm proud of myself on that.

Now I'm back to work, I've gotten in 1 multi, 2 calciums, my D3 and my omega 3's. I worked out this morning and the day is zipping by. My darling sweet husbnad bought me the exercise ball chair I'd set as my 149 # goal and I'm happily sitting on it at work, everyone wants it. I've already gotten in 24 ounces of clear liquids... I like going to work for the structure it offers my life. I could never be a stay-at-home mom.

Okay, I'm done babbling now. Happy New Year! I resolve to be better on my vitamins, liquids, and exercise. I resolve to never be overweight/obese/morbidly obese or on insulin again.

So I've been having these dizzy spells after I exercise or if I stand up too quickly. Theey were happening once every few days, and I would check my blood sugar, all was well. Today it happened at the gym, so I had them check my blood pressure, normal.
I worked in receiving this morning and had 3 spells, lasting about 30 seconds each. I called the doctor and they had me come in.
He has no idea what is causing them. So I get to visit the lab afterwork and feed the vampires and hope there is some logical reason for this.
One theory is too much or too little of a certain vitamin
He also told me to eat a little more frequently since my carb intake is on the low side (I can keep it low, just add more food)

Just thought I'd share my adventure for the day :) Hope yours is good!

this has been a slow month for my weight loss... in the past 30ish days, i've only lost 7.5 pounds, last month I lost 15. I'm not going to be not overweight by yule either (a goal of mine) seeing as how I've only lost a half a pound this week and have only 4 days left until the solstice. Sigh. it's almost enough to make me hate milestones and goals. i weigh 152.1, that is 2.2 pounds away from being "normal" or not overweight, so of course getting over that marker is going to take forever, but i want it.
I thought I was working hard, but it looks like I am going to have to work even harder for these last 27 pounds (to goal) and really really push myself for the next 2.2
I'll do my measurements this weekend, maybe that will cheer me up.

I! Have Made! Hot Chocolate!

I was reading about peoples attempts with hot chocolate and since it's snowy and cold and I was missing it, I decided to try my own experiment, and it worked! Not only that, it's super tasty.

I used 2-10oz cups (compliments of the workplace), poured about 6 oz of cold water into one of them, mixed up the protein powder with it, added some SF caramel syrup (one of my co-workers always has a bottle of DaVinci laying around), I realized I probably used too much sweetener, so that's when I got out the second cup... I divided my mixture between the cups and used the hot water button on our water cooler, Love that function, no microwave for my beverages!
MIxed well, tasted, added more water and I have now drank one down and still have one to go until my breakfast is done :)

Just wanted to share since it worked out so well.

The world is coming to an end.

Talked to my mom tonight. Little back story, my mom and I have had a complicated history. You'll get the worst of it here because I'm tired and want to be brief....
from a young age my mother told me I was fat (I wasn't) it wasn't until I was 17 when my pancreas said enough, helped me gain 100 pounds and welcomed diabetes that she stopped saying it. Not once since I got fat has she tried to make me feel bad about it.

My mom has struggled with her weight since she had kids, she's now larger than I was before my surgery. She often projects her insecurities on me. Older and further away as I am, I can see this now. I couldn't when I was younger. Coupled with untreated bi-polar disorder and some childhood trauma that she ignored, we haven't been able to be close. We fake it well enough and get along for the most part, but she's not the one I go to when something isn't right in my life, she's not the person I call for advice. She's 2 time zones away and that works well for me.
Dad, on the other hand, is one of my standards for what men should be like (my husband being the other). I just didn't know that (or that I was daddy's girl until I ran away err I mean moved away for college).

Oh right, the point... Dad called tonight to discuss some things and mom took the phone to tell me that she saw my newest picture on FB (it's also my picture here) AND SHE TOLD ME THAT I LOOK GREAT! This being the nicest thing she's probably ever said to me. She even asked if I could print a copy of the picture for her since she'd really like to have one. WOW. MY mother? Is she a pod person?

So go hug your loved ones and do all the things you want to do in your life before the world ends, cuz it just might!!

Hopefully she'll never join this site and read this (fortunately for me she's pretty computer illiterate, Dad signs her in to FB) even though I think she'd benefit from not only WLS but also this site. I'd recommend the sleeve for her... though she loves to be non-compliant on health issues, maybe she's a DS candidate? :P

Okay, I'm done, GOOD NIGHT NEVER LAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!