JennaKopanyi

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Well, our server is letting us down and I cannot get our inventory program to run, so I will update you guys instead.

Yesterday we went to Winchester to visit with some friends and attending a little one’s birthday party. I learned that I cannot eat any Popeye’s chicken, not even a small amount. I got the foamies for the first time in about 4 months. It was very distressing. My theory? I don’t think I can eat food that sits out, even (or especially) under heat lamps. I know I can eat fat, in fact, I can still eat wings, though that’s been a little while- and that is why I tried the chicken- so it’s not that. I blame leftovers in general.

Our kid had a lot of fun, he’s getting used to that house and the other three kids that live there. He stayed out of trouble until he got sleepy, then he kept trying to hurt himself (falling off of things). We are to take him back next Saturday to get his birthday hair cut, we’re pretty excited for that. I get tired of trying to pin him to cut his hair, he’s such a wriggle worm.

Honey took my pictures over the weekend and those are up. Six months has just flown by, and my fat has really melted off of me. YAY

I have met my surgeon’s goal as of this morning, but I know I can do better and I want my tummy to be flat. I won’t feel thin until it is, so I am keeping up with the six-week-six-pack video, I started week 3 this morning, and I’m feeling quite positive. I think when it’s done I’ll switch to Pilates for my extra work out.

I recently became addicted to Luna Protein Chocolate Cherry Almond Bars, and have added one a day to my diet. Amazingly, I’m losing weight faster even with those additional 180 calories. So yom! AND yay!

Tonight is support group in Frederick MD at Frederick Memorial Hospital. Seminar at 6pm, group at 7:30. If you are int eh area, you should come out!!! I really look forward to attending these and am very excited to go tonight. There is that shallow part of me that likes to go and say “Look at me! Look at me! Look how great I’m doing!” I freely admit that, but I also like talking to the newbies, sharing my progress and helping them see that it does work. When I first started going to group, there wasn’t a single thin person there, and it was discouraging. I mean, why do it, if the results are only…eh? I tend to be an all or nothing kind of girl, and I didn’t want to go through with this if I wasn’t going to get where I felt I deserved to be. I like to think of myself as a kind of inspiration to people. You get out what you put into this surgery. I work out like a fiend, twice a day (in fact I’m going to Zumba in the Curves circuit in a few). I made this work for me. It’s not easy, it’s still diet and exercise, but I’m lucky enough to say, “enough food, I am full” and I know that exercising works. I see results, I stay motivated. That’s is directly attributed to my RNY. I believe I will be one of those people who can maintain for life now that I’ve been given this head start.

Usually I go to Red Lobster between work and support group, but this month, I’m kinda poor. I’m hoping to go see my nephews and brother instead (he will have to let me know if the older son’s schedule will allow it). I get kinda irritated that they never have time for my family. I would like for my son to grow up with his cousins, but they are so busy with their hockey or other sport of the season. You’d think you would make a little time for your family, but whatever.

I haven’t seen my nephews since September (my brother or his wife either for that matter) so I hope I get a jaw drop at least when I see them (that was close to 40 pounds ago). More importantly, I’d really like to just hang out with my nephews for a couple hours.

I should probably check and see if my system is up and running and then tell my boss I have to run away. So I will stop rambling and ruin your lunch time entertainment read.

I hope all of you are doing well :)

For the first time since my RNY I have been able to tolerate a decent amount of salad! It had egg, green pepper, cucumber, cheese, chicken, and of course, lettuce. And I ate it! Tummy's kinda gurlgly, but I think it's just cuz it's so new and alien.
Yay.

End toddler-share moment :)

These last couple of nights my husband and I have been passing out early. We occassionally sleep on our futon in the living room, this started when he wanted to do online gaming with his friends, and wanted me nearby so that when he was ready for bed, there I was, or in general he could just turn around and look at me with adoration any time he wanted. It turns out that we sleeping out there more than in the bedroom. The last three nights, we've been zonked by 9:30, 10:00. I usually stay up until 11:30, 12 with him, but not this week. We're all getting over the same cold (my husband, our son, and I) and I bet this is a huge part of it.
It makes me a little sad because this is our day:
6am, I wake up, and do the 6 week 6 pack video
7am, I leave for work, protein shake in hand
8am, I arrive at work (officially) and get to my day
9am, Hubby wakes up, we talk online, he gets baby ready and drops him off at day care when he go to work (930 am)
1230, I go to Curves for my lunch break
430, I head home, pick up my son on the way
530, dinner with the monster followed by playing with him
830-900, Husband comes home

the only variation is if i work go to curves in teh morning instead, then i do the video an hour or so after dinner.

So as you can see, we don't get to spend a lot of time together... sleeping further robs us of quality time. sigh. he's been working 6 day weeks with only saturdays off, hopefully that will change soon, I miss him.
I know I'm pushing it too hard, trying to stay awake to spend time with him instead of getting in my 8 hours, on top of being sick, I'm really not surprised that we keep zonking so early, I just wish I didn't wake up so tired.

Tonight we have promised to sleep in the bed room, after finishing season one, disc 2 of Blood Ties (we only made it halfway through last night) and doing pictures (didn't get around to that either).

The last 2 mornings, the monster has kinda woken up with me, and followed me to the bathroom. The first day he came in, this morning he couldn't do much more than nudge the door. He's exhausted too. I gave him extra cuddles both mornings and he went right back to sleep.

This morning I am really feeling the 6w6p, my abs are so tight it's crazy! and I'm only a week and a half into it, i can't imagine how i will feel not only for staying with it for the duration, but also how my body will look and feel after.

:)

Hope everyone is well this morning

Wow, has it really been 6 months?
On July 19, 2010 I walked into the OR, and laid on their table. It was freezing in there. I didn't get scared or nervous until they started to strap me down. They took their sweet time before they remembered to put the Valium in my IV, since they took so long and my anxiety was so high, it knocked me out in moments. I remember thinking, "What am I doing?" and "Is this what I really want?" I was terrified that it was just going to be another failed weight loss attempt, and I'd screw up my insides as well as look like crap on the outside.
When I woke up, I wasn't nauseous! They had been warned and apparently took care of that. The last time I was put under for surgery I felt like I'd been dropped back onto this plane, I was nauseous, scared, panicked, and in tears. I was short tempered with the nurses when they brought me back to my room, and I couldn't stop crying even when my friend and my brother came to talk to me. THIS TIME, I woke up like I'd been hibernating, it was hard to come back to reality, I was apparently very, very drugged since I could barely hold myself upright without wanting to flop back. I was quiet and introspective, I didn't cry, and I only got a little gurgly over my ice chips. I wanted my husband with me once I realized it was 6:30 pm (surgery was at noon) and I was sure he was worried. Dr McKenna took out my gall bladder while he was in there since it looked like it would need to come out soon anyway, this added to the time and gave me a few more scars to remember him by.
Before I go on, I would like to explore the difference in waking up from surgery. I heard somewhere that a percentage of the population wakes up from surgery the way I did the first time (I don't remember the number, though I think it was high). I have 2 theories on this. #1 your subconscious remembers the trauma and pain of surgery even if you don't realize it and is crying as an outlet. But it doesn't happen to everyone, and it didn't happen to me the second time. My next theory is my favorite #2 when you are put under your mind is completely open, repressed memories come to the surface and play. They might be locked up safe again by the time you come out, but the damage is done, they got out and they brought back the pain of whatever you were trying to forget. I like this theory a lot, because when I had surgery #1, I hadn't dealt with my trauma, and it was bad. I had been sexually assaulted by 4 different men between the time I was 4 until the day before my 17th birthday. I never dealt with it. I thought I did, but I didn't. I know this because that's the trauma that landed me in the hospital 5 years ago. Apparently childhood trauma can manifest itself as a physical pain in the lower abdomen. Since I didn't know this at the time, and no test gave them any reason for the searing pain (that coincided with me TRYING to deal with the past) they did exploratory surgery, found my appendix to be slightly inflamed and took that and said that's that. It wasn't until I ended up in there AGAIN a few months later that the gastroenterologist asked me if I'd ever been raped. I almost denied it without thinking, my mother was sitting right there and she had never believed me (another level of psychosis I've since dealt with). It took another year (of pointless therapy, and less pointless talking it out with a friend, and a LOT of introspection) before I felt that I was in control of myself again. I had some other issues, poor life choices, but I had also resolved them. Once all that was dealt with and behind me, I decided to start dating, I was finally ready for a real relationship, with someone I could see forever with. In May 2008, I met my husband, who is very grateful that I'd put myself together and didn't come to him still broken.
I finally confronted my mother about my anger at her and her lack of belief in me when I needed her most (she was visiting with her best friend at my home and her friend and I got drunk together) later in a drunken rage, I told her every little thing about then that I didn't even know I was holding on to. My husband listened to the whole thing and that big chunk of the Jenna-puzzle finally clicked for him. He's promised to never ask me to confide in my mother ever again. The best part? The anger is gone. This was in March or April 2010.
So I was in the right mental place before surgery in July, I'd resolved the worst things in my life and I believe that as a result, I didn't have a traumatic unlocked repressed memory marathon tormenting me while I was out. YAY.

I probably should have weighed myself this morning since it's my half-a-surgiversary, but I didn't. I will post pictures tonight after my husband takes them. On this journey I've lost 80 pounds, countless inches, gone from size 20 to a size 8, and I'm not even done yet. I'm happier than I've been in a long time (these last two years haven't been unhappy per se, but I'm happier with myself). My diabetes is in remission, I'm reconnecting with old friends, and seeing them more often. I'm more active with my son, I exercise 2 times a day and seeing results. I take all of my vitamins and drink lots of water. I'm where I want to be (another 25 pounds lost wouldn't hurt, but for here, well, here is a great place to be), my life is pretty fabulous, and I'm in a place mentally where I can accept and embrace that, whereas I could not before.
I would like to thank my surgeon, for giving me my tool/weapon, my husband for his amazing support, my son for inspiring me to make my next pregnancy healthier and for helping put me into a qualifying weight (I know I did it to myself and he's not to blame), my wonderful friends in real life and on-line whom I've learned to make more time for because friends are so amazingly important and make life more entertaining. If you don't stay connected to people, then things stop mattering. And I want to thank ME, for deciding to do this for myself, for sticking with the changes, for taking charge, and becoming me again, I missed me.

I bet you didn't really read all of this, but its my surgiversary, I can be as long winded as I want :P If you DID read it all, then you are truly amazing. I love you all! Thanks for your continued support, it means the world.

So my hair is still coming out when i touch it, but it's thicker now, and it feels better, healthier. I started taking the super b-complex twice a day (although I tend to only remember it once) and my multi has a lot of biotin in it as well. The result? Not letting myself stress over it anymore, enjoying the new cut, and when I shower, I can feel how heavy the hair is becoming. Come on, you know you all do it, rinse your hair and let it flop? I can't be the only one... and so it feels heavier than it did when it was twice as long.
Sounds like a lot, I cut off half of my hair, but the spindly things I fed to the trash, darely as thick as a dime. tragic, really. Much happier with my hair now, though I will not be dying it any time soon.

I just posted on the July RNYer roll call and put pictures in the post, I have to share these pictures with you guys because it's freaking amazing....

Today I had two people soliciting girl scout cookies at work. The first one asked "Do you think your husband or son would like some girl scout cookies?" Instantly I felt "Sabotage!" but I know that wasn't her intent. A lot of people believe that the reason the surgery works is because it takes away your cravings and obssessive eating. For me? Not so much. If I have a box of cookies I will try to eat the box of cookies until I go into a carb coma. It's nice that she had such faith in me, but I don't have it in myself. My husband and I have a pact to not bring each others (and our own) trigger foods into the house unless it's kept far far away from the problem person. For example, I love chocolate, but not dark, he buys only dark and keeps it at his computer desk. Neither one of us can resist ice cream, so we don't buy it. I am the evil one who buys peanut butter and cheese, but I use both in a lot of recipes. As long as he doesn't realize it's around he's not tempted. I've been cooking ahead so that we only have to go in the fridge to grab our tupperware for the day or to fill Trevor's milk cup. I think it's been helping.
The second Girl Scout was our CEO's daughter, she was walking around with his assistant who knows I had WLS. I was very proud of her discretion, instead of saying "She can't have that" or "She had surgery" or "She's dieting" she said "She's diabetic" which I kinda no longer am, but it's a very socially acceptable disease and people know not to taunt the diabetics. Sadly they haven't learned to not taunt the fat people. I live my life like a diabetic, though without the medication, so I felt her explanation was appropriate.
A lot of people around my work care waaaaaaaaaay too much about what I put in my body. In fact there have been one or two occassions that I ate far far away from them when I was treating myself, because I didn't want to hear the comments. I know they are showing and interest and expressing concern, but seriously? I don't need a food NAZI, it just makes me angry and defensive and then want to do something bad.
And guess what, I said no to Girl Scout cookies all by myself! We even stood around talking about the best flavors and I didn't die craving them. But having them in my hand would be bad, I know that, and so I shall avoid it.
I'm pretty proud of me, and I just wanted to share :) No gateway drug, please :P

I did my friday weigh in and somehow managed to gain 2.9 pounds this week! How did this happen? I never clear even 1000 calories a day, let alone the 3500 it takes to gain a pound! I work out 1-2 a day 5-6 days a week, but my pants are tighter, so it's not new muscle, unless it's hidden UNDER my belly fat. I drink all day long, I get in my protein, take all my meds. What else can I do? What on earth am I doing wrong? I'm only 6 months out! I do not want to regain, especially not now. The only major change I did to my diet was subsitute Stevita Stevia crystals instead of my Crystal Light, could the sugar alcohol be doing it to me? The labels says no calories no carb, and 157 mg vitamin c. ingredients are stevita rebaudiana bertoni sweet crystals, erythritol (which is a sugar alcohol), natural flavors, ascorbic acid, and tartaric acid...
I don't know where this weight came from and it put me back in overweight, I'm severely distressed over this. Any advice would be welcome.

Today I look in the mirror and I see the fat girl with the pretty face. It's annoying. I hate the games my brain plays with me. I don't know if it's an unflattering cut of my sweater, or if I'm getting sick (my throat kinda burns, but I think that might be from too much Stevita), or maybe it's from some of the really depressing posts I'm reading on here (I know I should stop, but I need a break from staring at reports)? I think my son is sick, and that's a bit upsetting, my husband thinks he might be too and that's so unfair since his birthday is on Sunday.
I knew from experience that these little things have a way of affecting the bigger parts of your life, whether or not you are conscious of them. So today I am trying to be. I am not the fat girl, I'm at a healthy weight, no matter how the mirror mocks me.
I find it very strange that when I first gained all my weight, I never saw it happen, and now that the weight is coming off I can still lie to myself in the mirror. It took pictures to make me realize I was gaining... maybe I need to do new pictures to cheer me up? The last set had a belly roll visible in them that I found distressing, and so that's probably part of the problem in my head. Strangely enough, family and friends tell me how awesome I look in that set. I guess other people really don't focus on the same imperfections that you do.

Wow, this is so bizarre, let's blame it on the snow I'm about to go out into, but I can't wait for summer! I cannot wait to buy my first bikini in 13 years and tan up my belly and fade my scars. I can't wait to run and splash and play with my son in the water and teach him to swim. To wear shorts that fit!
My surgery was 07/19/2010, and already I'm looking forward to a bikini. I love my life! My gut is almost gone, and will definately be outta here by the end of May (if not sooner)
Yay!