ATL Diva 2009

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I didn't realize that with the site design change that i would no longer get messages when a comment was made to my blog. I have just been writing away and most of the time don't go back and review a blg for at least a couple of weeks. I was amazed I had so many comments especially on the last two blogs.  I made a vow that I would chronicle this journey and usethis site to help me make sense of the craziiness that has become my life and hopefully answer others questions or cosign their own feelings on this walk.

Thank you guys for viewing and for all the comments to encourage me and to know that I encourage you as well through my journey! I will make sure I go back and review my blgs more often

It has been so funny because for the past couple of months I have been existing in a "normal" body.  My BMI tells me I'm "normal" the looks I get on the street says that they are not looking at me because I am "abnormal" but a quick "normal" glance.

Its actually weird because on most days I see myself as "average" or "normal" and blend in to the crowd which is exactly what I wanted. I am a cute woman and if I'm dressed and have on makeup I clean up nice to become a beautiful woman. But now that the losing portion of this journey is over now what? Where do I go from here? Who am I? If not the funny fat friend chick? Where do I fall in my friendships now that I am not the coat holder, purse watcher or wing woman as they scope the hot guy at the club? Who am I if I'm not grateful that someone looked beyond my physical and saw me and I clung to out of what? desperation. If I'm not desperate any longer what am I in my marriage? Can it survive and honestly do I want it to in its present state?

My surgery day was truly a rebirth because I'm having to redefine every single relationship I have ever had because each one of those relationship had an impact on my ultimate relationship with food and cause me to gain the 140 lbs. I have to relearn how to deal with people since I am not "lucky" that they deal with me because of my size and insteaad of blending with the crowd I blended with the wall, or "hate on" the skinny bitches with my fat friends when I am now the "skinny bitch". I see people look at me--- women especially with contempt when I walk by not knowing the struggles that I had with my weight or the insecurity I have even now about my appearance.  The men give appreciating glances that I'm caught in a quandry because although I'm happy that they notice the physical that I'm so proud of but I get angry because  I

'm looked at or viewed differently because of the physcial. Just as people had preconceived notions when I was fat (lazy,undisciplined, unmotivated) they have them now that I'm thin (conceited, arrogant,cute). I realize now that is what got me fat in the first place I tried so hard to make everyone else comfortable with me and my looks that I downplayed them so much that I didn't care about them and STILL didn't get friends or I was so friendly that I was used or taken advantage of and they STILL didn't like me. So I hung out with food and before long the men stopped paying attention to me physically and was happy being my friend and the women began to like me  I thought it was because THEY had changed or grew when in actuality I had changed for teh men I wasn't attractive and for the women I wasn't a threat.  Will I repeat this cycle again? 

I don't know the answers to these questions and I will continue to search.

Since I know a lot of preops view my blog I wanted to see if there were somethings I could list that I've learned the past 9 months as a post op

1) Although the first 20-30 lbs seem magical ain't NOTHING like seeing 100 lost and looking like a totally different person. The 30 just make you appear less "swollen"

2) You will look TOTALLY different prepare for it, acknowledge it, and accept it

3) You will look TOTALLY different to most people before you even begin to recognize the change in yourself

4) Most people will tell you not to shop for clothes but my advice is to always try to keep your things fitted if you stay in a size 18 you'll feel like you're in an 18 but if you rocking a 14 you'll enjoy the 14. Trust me you can find a lot of cheap cute stuff on the other side of plus

5)You will become a clothes whore. We're so accustomed to buying what fits or look nice as a plus size that we lose our mind when EVERYTHING looks good

6)You will lose sizes in everything (hats, rings, shoes, clothes, underclothes, stockings, and socks) 

7) Make a decision about YOUR lifestlye yourself. There are a lot post ops that say they don't eat bread, rice, junk food, or liquor.  There are others that began eating all that junk within the first 3 months of surgery. The goal is to leave those items out until you've reached your goal (preferably under goal) and then if you like make the choice to add them at that point because your taste buds have changed the longer you live without those things the easier it is for you to control using them as they are truly meant to be an occassional treat and not a diet staple

8) There will be a little extra skin. It really ain't that bad and I'll tell you a secret the skin is already there its just filled with fat. So would you rathr be unhealthy and blown up or healthy and a little deflated?

9) Friends and family may hate. Don't take it personal I think the issue is when you take control of your life one of two things happen with haters 1) you show them a mirror of things they need to change and instead of doing something they try to tear you down and 2) they've made their life being the better in your relationship and now they feel threatened. Either way you don't need em whether its a parent, spouse or friend.

10)You will gain tons of self confidence. You feel better and you look better so enjoy your swagger just don't get too cocky with it

and the bonus is there are a lot of ups and downs with this journey but its been the best journey of my lfe.

Well, let me first say thank God for blessing me with this tool and the ability to pay for it through my insurance! There are so mny that want it and need it but due to issues beyond their control they can not have it OR are so determined they pay the amount themselves. So, who am I to abuse my gift? On Valentine's day it will be 10 months since this chapter of my life begun. For the past 4-6 weeks I have been weighin in between 168-172. I would like to lose a few more inches for my birthday and would like to definitley tone and sculpt my body for the summer.  I'm going to Cali for a week in June and can't wait to sit by the pool in my bathing suit.  I don't think pants will see my butt from  May-August lol. Skirts, sundresses, and shorts will be all I wear. 
 
I went to the gym twice this week! I know its not 3 or 5 but its two more than I've gone the past 6 months.  My goal next week is to go twice next week and throw in an additional day as well. I LOVED how I fel t whn I went but I guess since its not a habit yet its easy for me not to go and sit at home than it is to go. I've contemplated going tonight but the gym I have a membership in is far from my house so its not convient to go to on the weekend and I should have took my gym clothes and went while I was out today. However I think its important to share some information that I found last week about myself.
See my stats as of 11/1/07
weight-299
chest-52
waist 58
hips 52
for a BMI of 42.9

My measurements as of 2/1/09
weight-168
chest 34
waist 36.5
hips 34
for a BMI of 24.9

Although I have more miles to stil travel on this journey I can not and will not forget the miles that I have already gone.

OK, I am officially beginning  my first "challenge" I have seven weeks until my birthday (3/23) and eleven weeks until my surgiversary (4/14) and I plan on doing a BASH for my birthday this year.  I normally have a birthday week but I am planning on a birthday weekend extravaganza beginning with a girl's night Friday, a housewarming/birthday party on Saturday a "me day" on Sunday and a nice evening planned by my husband on Monday.

It isn't a "special year" ending with a "0" or "5" but its special to me being the FIRST that I have truly been happy with me and wanting to celebrate MY life and looking forward to more years of the same. Not thinking of all that I haven't accomplished over the years but enjoy what I have accomplished in the past 12 months and what I look forward to in the future is a liberating experience that I am enjoying for the first time in my life.

I don't want to lose any weight however I do want to look better in my clothes and without them. It will be spring and summer and I need to start toning up just a little bit so I can be fierce.

So beginning this afternoon:
I will get at least 45-60 mins of cardio in EVERY day
I will strength train 3 days a week
I will do ab work every day

There is no mention of food, water, or vitamins cause I got that part down. However I'm a little too flabby in some areas and I need to begin to address them. My goal is not to bench press 300 or leg press 500 but its to look beautiful in clothes and care about how I look. Let's let the challenge begin!

OK, the straigt hair is leaving tomorrow. Not only is it going to rain almost all next week which will waste my money but the hair has been an additional  excuse to NOT get my ass in the gym.  I am really good about my vitamins, my water, my protein, and my food in general its the exerecise that I am having issues with.   I have a gym membership at Bally's and access at work and I try to get my walking in(parking far way from the store, walking on my breaks) but I know I SHOULD be doing more and have a more consistent schedule. I did attend a couple of dance classes but didn't go yesterday truth be told because my hair is on its last leg and didn't know if I wanted to go and have it done this week or wear it natural. This is MY blog and I write to hold myself accountable and to track my journey for me as well as others and this is truly an issue so call it petty, superficial or vain but it is what it is.  I had posted about a week ago that I didn't want to start any new routines for a minute but I do need to start being active on the weekends I eat SO much when I'm at home and graze all 48 hours unless I'm sleep.

My NUT says that this is ok as long as I'm hungry and that's just the routine that my body and I have but sometimes I just eat because the Wheat Thins are there, or pudding, or popcorn....its always "healthy" snacks but I also don't want to stretch my pouch and mess up my tool. I guess that as long as my weight is consistent or I lose that's not really possible but still that's my biggest fear.... I have to go back to the basics on some things if I want to be successful
1) Not eating if I'm not hungry
2)Stopping eating when I'm satisified
3) Stop snacking in between my meals and drink water
I'm still holding on my weight between 168-172 but I have to be honest with myself when I know I'm slippng that's how I "slipped" to 299 and I don't want to see that anywhere but a price tag every again.

Went to the NUT this morning just to get a check up and weighed in at 172 20 lbs less than my October 28th appt. She told me everthing was great and my eating and excercise was on point. However, NOW she wants me to get between 160-165 and maybe even 150! Are you KIDDING me?
Edited to add:

After having almost a week to think about it I guess that my NUT's job is to place goals in front of me as I am able to attain them to get to where I really nee to be.and to account for any weight gain after the honeymoon period. Which if I would have lost the weight slowr (I know a sin to admit to WLS patients but this is MY dayum blog) may be that wouldn't have startled me as much or if it takes me another year to get to 155-160 IF my body wants to be there.  However, it seems like my body is racing to lose weight, is excited about reaching the finish line and getting to where IT wants to be regardless if I look like a skeleton or not. The NUT did not ask me to change my eating habit OR exercise routin toget to the 160 she stated that its possible if I continue to do what I'm doing that I COULD get to 160 and it would still be a healthy BMI.  

I wanted to make sure that I updated my blog with this informaitn so when I reread this in a year I'll have an account of   this.

I can not believe that its been 9 months since my life changed. I'm 5'10 and now fluctuate between 169-173 for the past couple of weeks.  I think that I may lose another 5 lbs and I will be officially done.  I began this journey on April 14, 2008 weighin in at 286 lbs(299 when I began the process) for a total weight loss of 130 lbs!!! I think I'm one of the few that nevre had a problem with my vitamins nor my protein and pretty consistently I hit my water goal. I don't excercise as I should but ya know what this is a journey and I think I'm happy right now being the thin  out of shape chick. At the beginning of this process I was a "list" person. I ewnt down everything on my list and checked it off not to be enjoyed and savored but a task completed.  I never enjoyed the place I was at because I was always looking at the next mountain to climb (I got that from my momma I've recently realized) and what I still have left in front of my to accomplish but you know what for the next few months I have NO weight related goals at all. I'm sick of my life revolving around my weight. I am HEALTHY that was goal number one. My a1c number is 5.1 my bp is 110/80 and my menstrual cycles run 30-33 days like clockwork and my BMI is 24.9 which means I am healthy!!!! I am really good right here. Can I enjoy this accomplishment for just a minute? Is it ok if I relish in this thing for just a while? Not that I want to go wild with my eaeting I still eat the same things and get my walking in, take my dance class, and maybe a couple of days a week lift weights. I'm taking a vacation from weight loss dominating my life for just a minute.......

I posted on the BAF board (Black American Forum) about not being about to find a reasonable priced dance calss in the area and one of the members found one for me. I went today and we began to learn the beyonce  "put a ring on it' video cherography. there was only two poeple in the class besides the instructor but I enjoyed that better than if there was a room full of trained thin dancers while I huffed and puffed all over the dance studio!

I love to dance. I used to be a cheerleader and always wanted to take dance lesson but my mom couldn't afford it so I said this year that I was going to enroll in a dance class and also perform in front of somebody (probalby not THIS routine lol) I feel like I accomplished so much! If you're in the ATL area and want to come one week let me know!

Its my time: KIndred the family stone
Oh, yeah yeah
Baby I'm ready,
Don't you know that I'm ready this time

After all of the hard work
And all of the things I sacrificed
Now I finally know my worth
The whole of me it has no price
I thought I'd never make it this far
I underestimated myself
And though my life has truly been hard
Now I know the greatness of my wealth

I'm rich in love (ooh yeah yes in love)
I'm rich in peace (i'm rich in peace)
I'm rich in hope yeah (hope yeah)
I'm rich indeed (ooh ooh ooh)

CHORUS:
I'm ready (I'm ready)
This is My Time (my time)
All that I'd hoped for is mine
It's mine, it's mine
(repeat)

See I can have anything
See I can do anything if I believe
I've learned what you want you have to start first
You can't just sit back and wait on anyone
You've got to put your best foot forward
Have faith and take action
�Cause you never know where that road may lead
You can't be afraid to take that chance
You've got to sow and plant your seed
Adapting to any circumstance

I'm rich in love (said i'm rich in love)
I'm rich in peace
I'm rich in hope yeah (so much hope)
I'm rich indeed

Repeat Chorus 2x

You'll know when that moment comes
And childish things are put aside
When you've learned to embrace your true self
And you really begin to live your life...
(When you begin to live your life you'll see...
Just how ready you are....)