ATL Diva 2009

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Well, I'm sending here at work waiting on my ride so I figured I may as well update my blog.
Things are going well. I went for my 6 month check up with Dr. Johnson on Tuesday and everything was PERFECT  I have lost 105 lbs since I started the process and 92 since surgery in SIX MONTHS!!! They were all amazed at the amount of weight I had lost, my lab numbers were great so I'm still on the same mulifitamin, B12, and calcium combo that I was on from the beginning. Dr. Johnson told me that most folks lose between 60-70% of their weight in 12-18 months and he was  proud of me for losing about 85% of mine in 6.  With that said the NUT still wants me to lose another 20 lbs because that will make my weight be "normal"  which is ok... but I'm fine right here. So when I met with Dr. Johnson he agreed that he was fine with me being here  but if I continued to eat right and work out it would be possible to lose an additional 20 lbs in the next 6-9 months because surely the weight loss has slowed down.

I am deathly afraid of losing these last 20 lbs in the next 3 months because I think currently I look perfect and don't want to begin to "look" like I had surgery.  After speaking to Dr. Johnson my fears were calmed a little bit. How about I get on the scale the next day and it says 188(well that was probably a truer number since I was on my cycle when I weighed at the doctors office) I have resigned myself that I may lose another 10 lbs over the next couple of months.   Its like my body has a mind of its own and it sees its own finish line and not stopping until it reaches it. But its been a hella of a journey and I'm along for the ride!

I went to a benefits fair today and the girl did my BMI turns out I am at 29% from a high 42% just 6 months ago!!! I can get a little better by turning about 6% into muscle and become "Athlectic" which is what my plan is.   I have to start working out better.  The weight is slipping off and I never had more than a 2 week stall.  I'm now at MY goal weight. I had a numbe rin my head of 180 but now at 193 I'm really cool.  I'm 5'10 so even though I'm in a sizze 14 it looks more like an 8 and if I can get more muscle I can slim into a 12 and be happy.  My fear now is that my body still won't stop until I get waaaaaay too skinny.  I've never been less than 180-185 when I was graduating high school so I'm thinking around there is where I will land. All my prayers are on the fact that I have been thin before so my body will naturally want to "stay" there once it hits its sweet spot.

I went to Talbots on Saturday and bought out the store.  It felt so liberating to go into a regular store and not worry about finding something that would be in my size but having a variety to pick through and found the best pieces for ME.  I purchased mainly 14's in both regular and plus and also got some 14 petites AND a size 10 dress.
I also purchased another wig.

A wow moment for  me today was that I was getting on the plan and a lady told me....you look good! I was like THANKS(pic in my photos of what I had on.)

My coworkers says I exude confidence now which puts the world in trouble because I always had it now I wear it better.
Til next time.

105 lbs gone

I refuse to dim my sparkle for those that are afraid to shine
I refuse to dim my sparkle who is intimidated by mine
I refuse to dim my sparkle because of your insecurity
I refuse to dim my sparkle because it brings you peace
I refuse to downplay my joy in front of those that are feeling beat down
I refuse to downpay my joy by turning my inner smile into a frown
I refuse to acknowledge my peace while you go through your storms
I refuse to settle for a piece when you're happy with the crumbs
I refuse to dim my sparkle  for those that are  too afriad to shine
I refuse to dim my sparkle for those intimidated by mine
By Ro Queen 323


I am so happy right now the funny thing is that my external world is going to shyt! I have a marraige that I don't know from day to day is going to survive despite mine and my husband's best attempt at salvaging.  I have a boss that is so threatened by me that she on a daily basis sets out to attempt to destroy and discredit me.  My finances are gone to hell but I'm still smiling!

Why? Because I finally found the answer to happiness and that is internal peace and happiness with oneself.  I LOVE me I lve where I am at in my WLS journey but I love what I do for work but I know that if I have to I can find somethign else and do that just as well, I love my husband but I know if that don't work ot there will be other men, and I may not have exactly the finances that I want but I manage to pay the bills, feed, and clothe myself.  But I am HAPPY I begin telling folks what I've gone through the past 6 months and they are like I would never have known, you got a smile on your face and walk with a spring in your step. Its not a facade or keeping the issues hidden. I am trully HAPPY with my and I know that all this other crap though I may vent about it I know that it will past and I'm now the best me I can be. Now I can begin focusing on other things.

I don't try to beat my husband up anymore about what he's not giving me because I give it to myself
 
I don't attempt to show my boss how smart I am hell I know it she know it and the whole company knows it I let it reflect in my work and my actions even giving her credit where she don't deserve

I know I have given WAMU more money in overdrafts than the law should allow but  I know I'll get it together soon

My relationship with God is still lacking in the traditional sense but I've grown closer to him in these past few months in a relationship sense that I don't do anything without His consult because I know He has my best interest in heart even when I don't.

But I couldn't get any of those things together until I stopped beating up on myself and punishing me for not being better. 

I walk with a swagger now, my makeup is done, my hair is done or a wig is plopped on it, the clothes are pulled together and I have an air of confidence that is mixed with humilty  so people can still stand me lol.

This has been a GREAT A journey and now almost 110 lbs lighter there is no stopping me. 

Well I don't know what is wrong with me latley, Its been almost a month and no post from me.  Well, I've lost the 4 lbs and am now offically well as of Saturday 199!!!! Which makes me part of the century club!!! Go Ro Go Ro.  I am finding that I've begun to get into a "normal" routine.  By normal I mean I walk, I eat pretty decent most of the time (98%) and I do my thing.  I have begun my travel schedule and my thought is that if I can lose or even stay the same through these 6 weeks then I can keep this weight off.

OK, I've gained 4 lbs since last week.  I'm TOO through.  I know i have been eating more latley and working out less.  Isn't this how I gained weight to begin with? I would like to lose at LEAST another 15 lbs and maintain.  I've lost so much weight the past few months that I figured I'd reach goal and then use the remainder of my "honeymoon" period to learn how to maintain it. I know I have to exercise more so I will do that beginning Tuesday. I have to learn balance. This has always been my downfall. I can always lose it but its the maintenance part I alwas fai.  On another note, I'm so glad that my friend has finall been approved and will have her surger in a couple of weeks. Way to go YJ!!!!

Well what a difference a week makes. Everything is truly on Gods time. Let me first say my that my marriage is still in the hospital ICU but no lomger on life support. So, we'll see how it recovers.

This week no gym AGAIN! since this is My blog I can be honest, I find myself getting caught up in the weight loss and look so cute that I don't want to go to the gym after work the way I've done in the past because  i like that attention i get. I need to get my ass out of that habit otherwise I'm going to be right back at 299! Or not reach my goal don't know which one is best. but I know neither is an option. So I have to figure out a plan and stick to it.  I'll be traveling an awful lot the next 6 weeks and I have to make sure that I keep myself focus on what is important to ME which is working my tool.  i get caught up in over acheiving in all areas of my life and put Me on the back porch until i'm a mess and look at everyone like "why are you treating me like this don't you know how much i've sacraficed for YOU?" and you know what? don't know one care. For example, i'm going on vacation home to cali on thursday-monday. monday evening i was going to fly to miami for work so I asked my boss if i needed to take that as a vaacation day or will the travel count?  I would get in to the airport at 2 and fly right out at 3:30. he said if i pay you you have to come in. i'm like wTH if I died in plan crash i would be officially on work time. So, instead of keeping the schedule as it was  and turing myself into the victim or martyr i called and changed my meeting. This way it is a true vacation day for me he's not taking advantage of  me and I'm not taking advantage of him. happy ending for all.

Same thing w/my husband, even though it is uncomfortable to say what I will accept and ask that he gives it to me, its much more empowering and I don't feel guilty for asking for what I want. Now, I have to get back on track  with holding myself accountable and not trasferring my addiction to self pity and negative rewarding. I don't have the finances to shop or splurge on meals out but I have begun to  "reward" myself by surfing the net and lying in bed wathing tv.

This game is 95% mental and I'm playing to win.

I am doing better on keeping up my blog even though I'm not meeting my goal of once a week but I have gone back to 'normal' life and so i just don't remember to post.  I think instead of a ramble on all things that have hapened in the past month i'll divide it up under sub headings.

Weight
I am now 90 lbs lighter!77 since surger April 14th and 90 from my highest weight. I began at 299 and I am now 209. That is my first goal my next goal is that 199.99999999 and be under 200 for the first time in about 12 years. that will also be my CENTURY mark and i'll get my card. So, i think i will have that in september

vitamins and eating
i do well with my vitamins and my food.  I did find this week i wasn't as diligent because I had a lot going on at work.  i know I have to be very organized when I have a lot planned either professionally or personally.  I need to make sure i have my pill holder and its full. Have protein shakes available so tahat i can at least get my protein in when i don't have a choice of meal items.

exercise
I did not exercise at al the past couple of weeks. I'm finding that i need to weight train moreso than cardio because the weight is going to come off its the toning of the fat and skin that i need to work on.  so next week i go Rocky on they ass.

Clothing
I'm in a size 17. You may say what but yeah i'm in between sizes.  I can not wear a size 16 but the 18's are too big. I know I am DEFINItlEY out of 20's. I just look ridiculous in them.  I am hoping to at least be in a size 14 by Christmas. I think i'm underestimating myself but I just can't even imagine saying I'll be in a size 12 by the end of the year. my mom is giving me money for Christmas. i think from this point i will get everything altered until i get to a size 12. i figure i will not get smaller than an 8 so if i buy a 12 it can be altered down.
my shoes are ALL too big. I use to wear a size 11w now i'm in a 10.5 or 10w. So I guesstimate that I will be about a 9 or 9.5 before its all done.

Work
my boss is still an idiot NOW since its not me pointing out the ignorance she's showing it herself and I'm looking like a rose. 

Home
Things are not looking good on the marriage front. I don't think that our marriage will survive, not that I don't love my husband but I realize that I don't respect or trust that he can really provide for our family and he may need time to get himself together first and be responsible for himself before we reconcile and he's responsible for a family. I know the statistics say that 50% of marriages end in divorce after the surgery i don't think its the surgery in itself but the fact that I made the decision to change my LIfE and this change affects every facet of that life.

Self esteem/confidence
through the roof.  i KNOW that i'm a good person, I know I'm smart, pretty, artriculate the difference now is that i CARRY myself that way.  The other difference is that I don't crave the validation of that from men while I down play my confidence or self esteem down for women to be my friend or to cover their own insecurities. I require more out of myself and I also require more of others. Which is why my marriage is almost finished.

 this is me, take me as i am. i've realized that as long as I LOVE me who cares who likes me.

until next time.
Ro
Hit me up on yahoo queenof_myworld or myspace rolondaj just mention OH

I don't know what this post would  look like when i'm done but realized its been 7 days since my last post.  i'm donw 80 lbs I feel good  and I look good.  Ysterday i had on a really cute outfit pencil skirt and blouse as I walked home from my bus stop I got SO many looks from men. It was actually strange to me because i dind't realize why they were looking. I thought that they  were looking at me in the past because I was fat but I realized they were looking at me because I was ATTRACTIVE! I had one guy turn his head as I walked around the back of his car.  I think that the challenge now is that although I think I look better it is hard for me to think that others see me as attractive especially because I thought I was cute when i was 299 and my personality has not changed at 219 and I did not get the same attention.

I was thin in my teens but i had low self esteem and so i still felt like I needed to prove to men that i was as cute as they thought and down play it to the girls because they were threatened. I have worked on my self esteem the last 8 years so my self confidence has gone way up and NOw that my outside is as healthy as my inside i'm becoming complete.

I am now oficially3 months post op (well actually 15 weeks) and 72 lbs lighter (remember the whole not seperating the 13 lbs I lost prior to surgery from the post op) I feel different and EVERYONE keeps telling me I lookdifferent.  I feel that I'm the incredible shrinking women sometimes and I'm losing the weight so fast that I can't adjust to the 10lbs before another 10 lbs is gone and size is gone.  I'm now in a solid 18 I can wear a few 16's but it depends on the cut of the clothing but I am totally out of teh 20's!!! I was in 18's before but I think I went into them prematuraly because clothes I have in 18's fit me muchbetter at 225 than they did at 256.

I'm trying my best to get my foods, waters, and vitamins in every day some days much more successful than others and I am concerned about that.  Its not that I intentionally don't take them or don't drink my water but by the end of teh day I realize I haven't eaten enough to get my protein in somedays, I haven't drank enough to get the 75 oz's of water in somedays, or I wake up at 1 AM and remember I forgot tot ake my evening mult-vitamin.  The worse is when I'm running errands, working on a project , or in a hurry and forget to eat like yesterday. 

The facial hair is NOT gone my periods are normal 28-30 day cycles so in a year I can def try to have a baby if I still have a marriage that is healthy and  my husband is in a place financially better than he is currently. 

I love the new me I can see my waist now, my breast are getting smaller, and I can also see some flabby skin that you just can't tone up as you lose the weight. I would advise anyoner ading this as a pre-op to start weight training now so that you can develope the muscles underneath so as the weight comes off you'll be ahead of the game.

I have gone from a size 24 (probably should ahve been 26 but I refused) to a solid 20 some things 18 and a dress that ycarroll sent me that is a 16!!! Well as I lose the weight I'm learning what fits best on MY body and attempting to find  things that flatter this new shape that is evolving.  I'm 5'10  and so I'm tall BUT I'm not leggy tall.  I'm finding that my height is in my torso (I'm long waisted). Which means things that sit on my hips are not flattering and create a saggy bottom or leg that is very unflattering. Where if I wear a pencil skirt, high waisted pants on straight dresses I look much better.  Also I have to wear very tailored shirts that accentuate my waist otherwise I get lost in shirts, 

Its great to know that I have a "fit" and not wear clothes that just "fit". Until next time.