Sara R.

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Its getting closer! :) So excited. Last week i posted comments from my mom, grandma and coworker. Last night i mentioned how excited my son is that i will be medior after surgery and my dad just looked at me with so much fear in his eyes. I wanted to cry, but didnt because he hates that haha... men!  I admitted that yes i am scared, there is going to be fear in everything but with support and prayers i will come out a better, thinner person that will be more active in life and show my son how life is supposed to be embraced instead of sitting back and watching the days flash by. I also think my dad is gonna help care for my son a little bit after surgery, he looked interested but probably needs to talk to his girlfriend. I am so grateful for his help.

Practice, Practice, Practice! The special words come back again. I gained 6 pounds in the last 5 weeks since my last nutrition visit. :( too much beer! I am back in the tunnel headed straight for surgery with no exits :) Its hard, but i gave up fast food for good! I had withdrawals for the last 4 days but today i am much better. I feel stronger, lighter, less bloated. My mind is sharp and i dont feel like a prisoner of my emotions or tummy.

My meals the last two days have looked like this.

Fiber one bar for breakfast
Almonds for snack
Ham and cheese sandwich for lunch
Pear and pumpkin seeds for snack
Protein shake for dinner
72oz of water throughout the day

This is about 1200 calories and fills me up, yesterday i was not hungry until i went home because it was too long between meals. I see my nutritionist for my last visit on 12/2/11, i cant wait to see what the scale says. I really want insurance approval so i can finally have the best weight loss tool ever.

My next appointments are:
11/21/11 Download SD card from CPAP machine
12/1/11 Pulmonary Surgery Clearance
12/2/11 Last Nutrition Visit
12/7/11 Nutrition Preop Class

I have heard that a recliner is the best way to sleep after surgery so i am going to try to get one off craigslist or something but still have a few weeks to buy one. I am also trying to pay off and get current on all bills. I will only be getting one and a half paychecks while im out and missing one and a half checks for the remainder of my leave. I am taking the full 6 weeks off so i can take the proper time to heal, get my eating and energy back on track and deal with some of the other issues that arise after surgery. I pray there are no complications but just in case i will be prepared.

I want to write a list of things i cant wait to change after surgery. i think i will do a seperate list in a couple weeks. or maybe i will do that today???

I reflected back on my cruise to the bahamas in July yesterday. I remembered a time when i was trying to wave jump, the waves were the biggest things i have ever seen before, but im a seasoned swimmer i should be able to do it right... wrong! i was swept under 4 times and while i was been slammed into the coarse sand and swallowing warm salt water i didnt get the life flash before my eyes thing that most people talk about. I just saw my son. It was and still is amazing to me that nothing else in my life matters except for him. i didnt flash back to anything good or bad in my life. i wonder if this is because i have no value in my own life except for the care i can provide to my son. crazy! This has nothing to do with WLS but just something thats been on my mind.

cheers!!! here is to 6-10 pounds that needs to be lost in the next 2.5 weeks. Its gonna fly by! i read a great post about staying positive. Dont think about the 2.5 weeks just think about today. I am thinking about today and how great this practice now will help me later. Next week after i feel comfortable with my new habits i want to practice drinking water 1 hr before meals and then again 1hr after meals, but not during the actual meal. I will probably work up 10 mins, 20 mins, 30 mins and on and on until i can do it. I dont want all the stress just after surgery combined with learning new habits. thats a disaster waiting to happen. I will update ya'll next week about how the practice is going. I am staying strong and have secured some incredible support from my best friend ashley and coworker Vicky. Also a great resource in an old high school buddy who had the surgery this past summer.

I am a SUCCESS!!! I will succeed in all things i do!!!

Day by Day i am getting closer :) the nervousness has gone away a little bit, partly because i have not been on the forums everyday reading good and bad stories from past sleevers.

Now that i am getting closer i have been getting more and more comments instead of pure support. My grandma said 'its sad that it [you weight] has come to this'. My mom said 'are you sure you need surgery, why dont you diet and exercise'. A coworker said 'Sara, are you sure you want that halloween candy with your surgery coming up so soon?'. I know they are all coming from good places and care about me but really??? I am mostly frustrated with my mom for saying that, like i havent 'tried' for the last 25 years, and she has seen this first hand, more than anyone else! Unfortunately i can probably count her out as far as support goes. im pretty disappointed about that.

On a brighter note! I have winterized my house :) Weedwacking...check. Dump run... Check.  Outside Faucets Covered... Check. Flower beds weeded... Check. Eclipse curtains up... Check. I was so busy this weekend i had sore muscles for the last few days. it was the best feeling to have sore muscles from working so hard this weekend instead of from sitting on my butt being bored.

I found an amazing energy drink at Walmart the other day :) Its V8 VFusion + Energy :)
Nutrition Facts:
Calories 50
Total fat 0
Cholesterol 0
Sodium 90mg
Potassium 150mg
Total Carbs 13g
Sugars 10g
Protein 0

Now i know that this has quite a bit of sugar but its less than energy drinks, its non carbonated and a small 8oz can gives me more energy than i got by taking phentermine. and you get some fruits and veggies too!! :) ive heard that it can only be found at Walmart so hopefully you have one near you so you can try it also. Another blogger said that the Monster Recovery or Rockstar recovery lemonade was good but i didnt get much energy from it, found it a bit sweet and it was alot, i mean a lot to drink.

I have been working out an issue that i think was instilled in me as a child. my parents used to say, 'were broke so we are going to eat at home'.  or 'hey kids, i just got paid let go out to eat, do you want mexican?'. So now that i have a child i find myself saying those same things to him. I also find myself to feel more free the first few days after payday when i have money and i choose to eat out more freely without thinking. then of course when i cant pay a bill or gained a pound i am cursing myself. I was wondering if anyone else has had this thought process and maybe overcame it? This past week i have tried to pay more attention to this thought process and say to myself and my son, i have money but we should eat at home or i would really like to eat that hamburger helper or something like that instead of using money as an excuse. definitely another work in progress.

No appointments in the past week but there will be a few this month.
11/12 Nutrition (4/6)
11/16 Nutrition Preop Class
11/21 CPAP SD card download

11/24 Thanksgiving!!! :) I am very excited for Thanksgiving because this is the first year that i am cooking the entire dinner myself. i will need to stock up on these energy drinks for that day lol. Both my parents are spending the day with their significant other. I will be feeding all three of my roommates, my son and i and my younger brother and his girlfriend. i will probably want a nap instead of food by time dinner is actually done :) but still very excited to cook thanksgiving dinner in my new house!!! Its time to be an adult hahahaha

Wow! I am getting closer :) my nerves are still getting to me and it is literally the only thing on my mind. 2  months will go by so quickly. This week i am going to start weather proofing my house and getting everything organized, especially with the holidays approaching, i will have no time. My grandma has agreed to help watch my son and my dog! :) yay! 2 less things to worry about. one of my roommates will be out of town and my other roommate has agreed to take care of the cleaning, dishes, etc. for at least the first 2 weeks. :)

I have been reading posts on OH and Gastricsleeve.com to prepare myself for post op eating, pain and lifestyle. Its hard to take it all in. but i am doing my best to stay positive and to stay alert regarding my habits. I really hope that practicing healthy habits now will help me in the end. I am not doing the best at practicing healthy lifestyle skills but i am thinking about it more which i hope will help me eventually do it.

Upcoming appointments:
11/12 Nutrition (5/6)
11/16 Preop nutrition class
11/21 Cpap SD card download
12/1 Pulmonary Clearance
12/2 LAST Nutritiion :) :) :) (6/6)
12/5 Submit to Insurance for Prior Auth!!!
12/28 SURGERY!!!!!!! :):):)

Everything is getting wrapped up. The insurance specialist at my surgeons office feels confident that i will get approved. I have met every guideline and jumped through every hoop for my insurance and my surgeon. I am still nervous because i hear people still get denied. I am trying not to think about it and send those negative vibes out into the world. Positive thoughts!!

My son is very excited for mommy to become 'meteor', his cute word for medium. i try not to let my size interfere but sadly over the years i have not been as outgoing as i have in the past and he is feeling the brunt of it. once i get going with weight loss i plan and hope to be more outgoing and adventurous so i can show my son the world! He is only 5 and so curious. I am concerned about the 'mood changes' that i have heard happen after significant weight loss. I am very moody now because of the sugar withdrawals and frustration with being overweight. I dont want my son to see the grumpy, short temper, up and down moods that go along with post op hormone changes. Does anyone know how long this lasts?

I finally gave up my grave concern for hair loss and accepted it as part of the process. I did research and talked with other sleevers and decided it was a waste of time. there are to many factors, all of which i cannot control as to why hair loss occurs. I will however do what i can control, which is proper nutrition.

My coworkers and family are very supportive but i almost wish that i hadnt told anyone. I am still very worried that i will not succeed as well as others have. and to have to face them all after i fail is going to be unbearable. But when i do succeed i will feel great and powerful and confident. The reason i believe this is obviously because i have failed before, and obviously not had much of any success in this area of life. I need to continue to remind myself that i WILL succeed and i WILL  be a healthy weight for life.

I WILL SUCEED!!!

One of our fellow OH sleevers wrote a great post about will power and how it can be exhausted. This was very interesting to me. i have heard all my life to eat small meals throughout the day so you arent tempted but i never connected the dots that will power and eating small meals throughout the day were connected.  It makes sense of course but i just thought it was so you would feel full and not indulge or overeat but of course with me, it doesnt or didnt matter if i was full, if i needed food for soul or there was something offered or available i would eat it. I have been working incredibly hard since i decided on the surgery and a little bit before surgery to deal with this issue. Like listen to my body, am i hungry, tired, stressed, emotional about whatever, or am i truly hungry. i would rate myself 7/10 or about 75% better at distinguishing and following through with the proper reaction. of course there are bad days and good days but overall i am much improved. I am very proud of myself for this! :) It is a huge accomplishment. When my will power is exhausted when i have done other diets i have noticed physical and mental fatigue. Will power is such a huge player in this weight loss game. So, if i eat properly pre and post sleeve then i will have a means of recharging my will power. Its like putting my phone on the charger, each day i eat properly i recharge my will power. pretty cool analogy huh?! i think so :)

This last paragraph is for female adult eyes only. I have always had large amounts of vaginal discharge. Sometimes it smells and sometimes it doesnt. I was so annoyed for the last 5 months or so because it was really bad and the doctors kept telling me that i dont have an infection. I started drinking more water instead of soda or juice because i want to get better at that now, i also have more energy and it helps my headaches when i drink at least 48-72 ounces of water per day. I have noticed the last 2 weeks that the better i am at getting water in and not drinking soda or alot of sugar that the smell goes away! i can make it through a whole day and not have to change my clothes right when i get home because i cant stand the smell :) soooo excited i figured out the issue without meds or some crazy remedy. JUST WATER!! :)

Like the ripples from the smallest drop of water, the smallest of changes in our lives can grow to bring about the greatest rewards

I dont know if anyone else has this problem but i have a horrible weekend habit. Its like all the rules go out the window. I take naps, get take out or snacks all day. I do tend to get in a full workout but i have a feeling that does not make up for all the leniency i give myself. I spoke with my nutritionist about this and she said 'why?? why do you have to be wild and free on the weekends?' Good question? i dont know? I have never really had a tendency to structure my weekends, i dont make plans to go anywhere or visit with anyone. I dont plan dinners (not like i do now anyways), i even tell my son to sleep in because im not waking up early. This next weekend i am going to try to structure my days, im going to limit my snack intake and maybe even plan something. I need to get this under control before surgery. There is nothing different about the weekends, its just another day, but its a day i dont have to go to work.

I have officially gotten in all my favorite holiday treats. Eggnog and sparkling apple cider, lots of it. This week i am going to focus on eating dinners, probably protein packed with rice and veggies because i plan to work out each evening after work. I got my garage all set up with a treadmill, resistance bands, medicine ball and yoga mat for the torturous plank :)

I am trying very hard to stay positive. i have told more coworkers about the surgery, all of whom are incredibly supportive. i have not heard a single negative comment or question. I am very surprised.

3 weeks until my next nutrition visit. which means i will be so much closer to my surgery date.

Surgery date! this makes me anxious and frustrated all at the same time. I understand insurance approval is the most important aspect, but if they require X, Y, Z and i do all of the requirements then it will be approved. Right?! My insurance lady at Puget Sound Surgical is amazing. She has answered all of my questions and really advocated for me :) this makes me feel special. BUT... i am very annoyed at the same time, not with her of course, just the process. I cannot get my preop appointment until we get insurance approval which is supposed to come in mid december. My work requests 3 months in advance for time off requests. Yeah right! it was a struggle to get penciled in on the surgery schedule 2.5 months in advance. This is very frustrating to me. Frustrated that my work is so strict and frustrated that i cant get an absolute date for preop and surgery.

I have only requested 2 weeks off work post-op because thats what i thought it was, not sure why because my physician gives 4-6 weeks off for other laparoscopic procedures. i guess i wasnt really thinking. It all depends on how my surgeons medical assistant fills out my FMLA paperwork now.

This is another long and completely random, jump all over the place blog post. I tried to post over the weekend on my phone but apparently the formatting for messaging and blog posts is not droid friendly. :(

I had an amazing talk with my friend Ashley. we talked about the surgery, the befores and afters and everything in between. She is the first person i opened up to about my fears and not laugh or brush them off. She is so supportive its great! With her help i hope that i do not go crazy after i reach my goal weight. Go crazy as in party and date whoever and that kind of stuff. i went through all that when i was younger and dont want to do it again because i have this amazing body :) hopefully! I wonder if anyone else my age has gone this or had similar feelings? 

There are so many if's and wonder's and ideas up in the air. Waiting is the hardest game ever! i have never been a patient person, in fact, during my psych eval the psychologist suggested i see my regular counselor to help practice impulse control. Probably how i got here, impulsive emotional eating. I really hope the time flies :) i am ready to clean out my closet and go shopping! i am ready to learn to snowboard and hike Mt. Pilchuck or Mailbox Peak with ease. I am ready to ride a roller coaster with my son and run on the beach.

I AM READY!!!

I would love to hear from people who are post op, any length of time. What do you wish you would have practiced the most pre-op? I know everyone will be different based on our own weaknesses but i would still like to hear from you! :)

I am tentatively scheduled for surgery on December 28, 2011. I had to get my name on the books so i could apply for FMLA. I have all the preop testing done (psych, endoscopy, sleep study, fitness, 4/6 nutrition visits). I am very excited and already counting down.

I have been looking at alot of before and after pictures these past 2 days since i registered to OH. I am completely shocked how some people look completely different. There are also quite a few people who had tummy fat but its gone in the after photo and... their tummy is flat, not droopy. I am very concerned about the extra skin that will start to sag everywhere. I already know who i am going to after i reach my goal weight for skin removal, the trick will be insurance coverage and what i have in savings by then. A few of the pictures actually made me choke up and get a little wet in the eyes. I was not expecting that response. I thought a little bit about that yesterday and will continue to try to figure out why i nearly cried when i saw people meet their goal and look so good too. I think that i am scared that it wont work for me, that i will be uglier afterwards. I have been overweight my entire life and so far have pretty firm skin but i am entering the unknown. I wish i knew other people here who have had the same surgery who have been overweight their whole life. I do have one friend but for her she was only overweight as an adult.

On to a different subject.

I have been taking my vitamins regularly (vit d, b12, multi, iron and colace, sertraline and phentermine) i feel so great for the first half to 3/4 of the day, lots of energy but then just after lunch i am dragging on the floor. i am trying to kick the carbonated habit so energy drinks and sodas are out, and coffee gives me the runs. i heard of a monster rehab drink that is not carbonated. i cant wait to try that! i am tired now and will be tired for a few weeks to months after surgery and need need something that will help pick me up.

Practice, Practice, Practice!

I was very discouraged the last nutrition visit i had. i felt overwhelmed and scared. My nutritionist and personal trainer are awesome! they told me that these feelings are normal. I need to view it as practice. I already have proven that i am not perfect, thats why i am there. I will never have a perfect week every week of my life. I can be near perfect or perfect one week and not the next. Its not something to be completely discouraged over. They want to help me practice for post op. This made so much sense to me! Of course if i was able to follow a diet perfectly i wouldnt be 285lbs today and 300lbs at my heaviest. Life isnt about perfection or obsession or addiction. Life is about trying new things, working towards a goal to be a better person and being present right now! Since that last visit, now 2 weeks ago, i have been practicing. Some days are great and others are good but all in all i think i have done really well. I have practiced doing an entire exercise routine 3 days in the last two weeks and plan to do 10 more days before our next meeting. i started out slow and even though i was telling myself to practice i was procrastinating. another really bad habit i am aware that i need to quit. I have been getting in 48-72 oz water every day and eating smaller portions. I have not tried counting calories and protein yet because i wanted to keep practicing smaller portions before i move on to something more detailed.

I am doing really well with small portions and my body is doing good! no headaches! no more bm 3-5 times a day! more cash in my pocket! no more horrible hunger pains! more controlled emotions! decreased emotional eating/binging!

This first blog is really long, this is the first time i have started a blog. I have seen you tube videos and read others blogs but was not convinced i needed to do it myself. The reason i decided to start this blog is to be accountable to myself. I do not have a format for when and what but i promise myself that through this process i will update pictures, scale and non-scale victories. I will also reflect on what i perceive has changed (i.e. relationships, work, life!). I want to have something to look back on when i am at goal or on my way to goal that will remind me of where i was. what my mind was like, what my body felt like.

I have never been skinny, except when i was born (if that counts). When i was 10 years old i could not fit into a junior size 16. this was 15 years ago before they started to make plus size juniors clothes or anything that didnt resemble grandmas wardrobe. I will always remember that day. i was too resilient to let it get me down. i have the best family and friends. I grew up active in sports, church and always doing something with friends or my younger brother. I was not the girl who hid in her room or cried because of her weight. my mom would just take me store to store to find something that made me feel better. I still wore abercrombie and fitch in high school (only the shirts, my bottom was too big). I was not embarrased to wear a swim suit as long as it covered my tummy. i learned growing up that you have to flaunt what you have. and for me that is my booty, or wooty. you can check out the pictures i uploaded. I am so tired of doing that now though.

I am a single mother of a beautiful 5 year old boy. I have met lots of guys who looove my butt but in the end i push them away because i figure and have been trained (unfortunately) to think they are only interested in me because of my wooty. so of course, lots of jealous feelings arise and that is no way to live or to nurture the possibility of love. These are feelings that are not going to change overnight. The surgery is not going to fix this. I know that! This is something that i will continue to work on with my psychologist and probably write about here. I believe some of these feelings are innate in me and others are learned. i want to change the learned feelings and hope to revert the innate feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem.

One thing that i will say to wrap up a completely random blog post is that i cannot wait to wear normal scrubs! I dont want to have to worry about cellulite poking through, tummy or butt flopping out. I just want to comfortably wear scrubs that dont make me look worse than i already am.

Sara