Sara R.

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At lunch today i freaked out when i heard that sad christmas song where the boy just wants to buy his dying mother some christmas shoes but doesnt have enough money. i was in the parking lot of value village about to go try to find a new charger for my laptop. i was crying so hard it was ridiculous! i text my parents and told them i was so scared there would be complications and kalani (my 5 year old) would be without a mom. everyone in value village was looking at me so funny because the tears were just pouring out of my eyes. I just feel like im supposed to be strong all the time. when i break down i really go down hard. i hope to keep it together for awhile longer. i am so close. less than a week.

Anyways, I didnt find the charger at Value Village. but i did find the coolest baby silverware set! i am so excited about it. it comes in a little wood tray with spoon, forks, knife and desert spoons :) now i just need to find baby plates and bowls that dont make me look like a baby lol ;)

After i stopped crying i called my nutritionist. She assured me that the surgery will not get cancelled, it is good that i started a week early and for the next 5.5 days i need to be really good at making sure i am under 40 carbs. i am tempted to do a liquid only diet friday, sunday, monday and tuesday to make sure my liver shrinks quickly and enough so my surgeon isnt mad at me. i am so disappointed that i gave in and ate banned foods. :( i will hopefully find a charger that will not cost me an arm and a leg so i can keep blogging on my break otherwise tomorrow will be my last entry for 6 weeks :( i really hope i find one!

thats right! 1 week until surgery

Time is flying by. I have been trying to get more and more stuff done each day but i feel like my list is growing by the second. today i have a notepad on my desk so i can write down everything i need to do before surgery. it is causing me some stress and anxiety, sleepless nights and exhausting days. today i weighed in at 285.8lb. im not so sure im going to reach my goal of 175lb before surgery, but i will sure try.

What i plan to eat:
I unfortunately did not plan very well today but i packed cheese, meat, salad, cottage cheese and carbmaster yogurt to eat today. I will have enough good stuff to eat to be perfect this next week.

I am in a much better state of mind than i was yesterday. I have a positive attitude, a smile on my face and was active all day. besides sitting to blog lol. once i get my lists finished i am going to post the pertinent ones just in case a newbie needs it. and for a reminder to myself how important this is, with all the planning thats involved.

This is a rant!

Its a slippery slope. I made good choices that kept me within my carb limit for 9 days. During those 9 days i passed up pizza, movie theater popcorn, fast food, christmas trail mix and a box of chocolates the size of a 4 computer screens as well as my dads no bake cookies (my favorites). Saturday i ate movie theater popcorn after i passed it up once before. I did not eat any chips and dip at a holiday christmas party on saturday but then today at work i shoved my effing fat mouth with 4, yes 4 cookies! i was so distraught i went straight to the bathroom and vomitted. my stomach still hurts like i didnt get it all out. and then saturday was a total bust! I am sooo upset with myself for not following the rules its ridiculous. why is my will power diminished compared to last week. I just read a blog post of sleever who is 1 year post op. she said 'LISTEN TO YOUR SURGEON'. Yes, Sara! effing listen to your surgeon. He will see that i cheated when he looks at my liver. I wonder if i can do a liver cleanse? i need to do a bowel prep, not on surgeons advise just because i am worried about constipation, like really worried about constipation. What if my dad asks me if i did the right thing? i cant lie to him after all the support he is giving me but i sooo dont want him to be disappointed or not believe in me. :( tear. Its all an effing slippery slope. i made one poor choice, one slip of my will and several days are down the toilet. all this negative energy is not good for me, it decreases the will power. i need to smile, say happy things. be positive that the rest of the day will be great. that the rest of the week will be great. i need to lift myself up so i can renew my will power. but its so hard knowing that i made so many poor decisions this past weekend :(

now that i have that all off my chest, even though noone reads this, i feel like my duty is done. I will follow my surgeons and nutritionists directions on the low carb diet for the next 9 days and then after that, the post op diet instructions for the next 4 weeks. I hope i have a 4 week appt with my nutritionist so i can talk about proper diet for the rest of my life :)

WOW! OMG! 9 days until my new life starts. its kinda like starting a new diet that wont end. its not the 6 week body makeover or 6 week HCG diet. ITS THE REST OF MY LIFE!!! as i tell more and more people about my surgery everyone is making sure to tell me how hard its going to be and that i shouldnt forget its forever and some people who have been skinny their whole life are trying to give me advice! seriously!! that makes no sense. please just support me with a smile and a hug! thats all i want. all i want for christmas is support lol, to the melody of that song.

This weekend was a tough one but i did ok. Saturday i went to a holiday party, there was lots of food, most of it i wasnt interested in so that helped with the temptation. I was hungry though, i wasnt very prepared. I ate some shrimp, meatballs and goat cheese wrapped in eggplant. I splurged and drank 3 glasses of white zinfandel :) it is so yummy! later i went to see Breaking Dawn again, i ate too much popcorn. i figured i could have about 2 servings of popcorn and stay under my total carbs but i ended up eating too much. then sunday i had mcdonalds breakfast and broccoli beef. the broccoli beef was probably not the best but it was meat and veggies :) in the end i killed my low carb diet and pray to god that my liver is not too fatty when surgery comes in 9 days!!! I went from 282.8 to 285.4 this morning due to my popcorn sharades.

What i plan to eat today:
Breakfast: Carbmaster yogurt and fiber one cottage cheese
Snack: string cheese
Lunch: ceasar salad (no croutons)
snack: pepperoni and salami with cheese
      or   celery and hummus
Dinner: protein shake or ground beef, sour cream, salsa and cheese

I had my preop appt with my surgeon yesterday. It went well. He felt my belly and showed me where to expect the incisions. He goes in under the belly button instead of the left side to pull my stomach out. i hope that diminishes the surgical pain and the gas pain. I got to ask all my questions that i found online. Infection rate is unknown (because another doc follows that, and if it was an issue im sure he would know about it) but no cases of MRSA!!! Bougie size is 38. no drain unless there is complications with the staple line. I have to stay 1 night in the ambulatory surgery center because i have sleep apnea. Both my parents are going to be there for me. I still have to figure out the logistics on the cars and who will be driving me home and blah blah. my cold is almost gone but if it persists then i may be cancelled by the picky anesethiologists. so lets all send up the positive thoughts, cross fingers and toes, pray or meditate so this darn cold will be gone before i go in to surgery.

I mentioned in a post a couple days ago that a friend was going to bring me to my preop and to surgery. turns out, last minute, he lent his car to his sister and could not come. needless to say i was very angry (swear words replaced) and he is no longer involved in my life at all! i called my dad balling my eyes out and he rushed down to the surgical center and sat with me throughout the whole process. which ended up taking 2.5 hours! the doctor explained everything in detail for my dad and was extremely thorough. it was a fantastic experience.

As for my eating yesterday. i stayed on track. i did wonderful, despite the emotional rollercoaster. this morning i was exhausted, packed my lunch but forgot it at the door! who does that??? i guess i do on fridays lol. im not supposed to have coffee due to the acidic nature but i am sipping on an americano right now with non fat milk and equal. i probably wont finish the whole thing. i ate 2 string cheese for breakfast. and bought a sandwich. when its lunch time i will NOT be eating the sourdough bread! The surgeon of course stressed the need to stay on the low carb diet. i told him its a little difficult sometimes but in the end i am very scared of complications so i am doing everything possible to limit those. No complications, No complications, No complications. Thats my mantra and he liked that.

we discussed goal weight and 6 week post op goal. there is no specific goal that he has in mind. healthy, happy, stable are the three things he wants to see. My personal goal is 140lbs. he asked me when i was ever that weight. my dad instantly stopped twiddling his thumbs and started to think. could i have been born 140lbs because i remember when i was 10 i was almost 200 and stayed there throughout my schooling. he is not sure where i will end up but my moto is going to be 'im going all the way' that may change a little bit as i go through this process but to me it means that i am having surgery, a drastic measure, to lose weight, to be healthy. the most incredible tool ever. i will not waste it! i will get to a normal bmi, normal weight, i will wear normal clothes and fit in normal spaces. i will no longer be a victim to my damn genes, fat cells, and food. i am going all the way! no holding back. i need the rocky song on my phone lol

the surgeons scale is rigged i think because i was 284 in june around the time when i bought my house, think lots of beer, wine, pizza and fast food, yesterday i was 279. my scale at home however was 282, i have been the same for 3 days now. im ok with that, not freaking out. i think it has a little something to do with the healthy tacos ive been eating, maybe a little too much salt and fat from the sour cream.

by time my next blog shows up i will have just over 1 week left. 1 WEEK! 9 DAYS! HOLY COW! Its here, its finally here. now im officially scared, nervous, anxious, excited. how can one feel all those emotions at the same time??? no wonder im a little crazy right now. get ready to ride the roller coaster. hahahahaha

Yesterday was a good day,  i was mighty hungry. not sure if its that time of the month or the stress is getting to me. I went over my carbs last night by 2.5gms due to alot of sour cream, cheese, salsa and alot of ground beef. i had 4 servings of healthy tacos, basically taco fixxins without the shell. They are scrumptious. i love them and could eat it all day, every day. i got in about 48 ounces of water and did not get in any formal exercising. i did do alot of cleaning.

man was i grumpy last night. i tried not to take my stress out on anyone but i was rude or bitchy or whatever you want to call it. i accidentally caused my roommates to fight by telling one that i needed help with the dishes and that it annoys me that i need to do a full sink of dishes every night. she told the other girl and the fight was on. luckily they are sisters so it didnt last long. i am usually in bed by 830pm but last night i could not go to bed without making sure everything was clean and in its place, so in bed by 10pm was a stretch but i left this morning with a clean house and fairly alert. mostly from excitement about the apppointment i have today in 1 hour. My preop is today, so blood work, exam, ekg and questions answered. i made a list so i dont forget but im sure something will come up later. i will be asking about bougie size, when i can drive again, lifting requirements, drain?, what post op meds, what is my goal weight, expected pounds lost in the first 6 weeks, monitor ketones? and hopefully he will ask any questions that i have not thought about. When i called to confirm my appt i found out that i should check in at 6 am so i will be the first surgery of the day! fresh hands and eyes! i like that :)

What i plan to eat today:
Breakfast: Carbmaster strawberry yogurt
Lunch: Cottage Cheese
             Cheese with shredded chicken
Snack: protein shake
Dinner: more ground beef with sour cream, cheese and salsa.

Planned water 72 oz
no exercise planned

Exactly 2 weeks until surgery. i decided i was done with soda, it was a hard decision but i have to do it. so none today. lots of water flavoring crystals and liquids and so on. Stayed on track last night. i am pretty sick, runny nose, sinus pain type of sick. but instead of going to bed i had some type of anxiety attack and organized my garage. yes... again. i do this on a regular basis. i think last night it actually hit me that i am running out of time and i need to get organized. my roommate and family will be getting my christmas decorations put away and i dont want any questions. i just want it done right. my son has way too many presents for christmas coming and i know i will get annoyed with that very soon. especially if he leaves them out. luckily for the majority of the healing process he will be with family instead of at home. 12/2-12/5 i ate whatever i wanted in large quantities. i went from 282 to 289 and now im back to 282. thank goodness. i am hoping to be 275 by time i go into surgery. i think my body is in ketosis from the low carb diet. because i have lost a pound per day all week. we will see what happens.

What i plan to eat today:
Breakfast: carbmaster yogurt
snack: pork rinds
lunch: egg salad with pickles, cheese and olives
            cottage cheese
snack: pork rinds
dinner: ground turkey, salsa, sour cream and cheese ---- YUMMY!!!!!!!!
             or protein shake if i dont make it to the store

i have made quite a few friends on Obesityhelp.com, mostly sleeve sisters :) so happy to have other people i can talk to and support as well and get support back from them instead of the ominous forum where you get responses from random people.

Last night went well, i stayed within my approved carb level. for dinner i drank my protein shake and had another serving of egg salad. i dont want it to go bad and i needed something to chew. needless to say i ended up barely over 30 gms of carbs. i stayed up late watching the hurricane with denzel washington. yummy yummy! :) so today i was soo tired. i actually woke up when i was supposed to be at work. thank goodness my doc starts late today so i didnt get in trouble. I got in about 60 oz of water yesterday! :)

What i plan to eat today: (Even though i woke up late, i had food prepared to put in a lunch bag that will keep me under my carbs, without it i would be a mess)

Breakfast: Carbmaster Raspberry yogurt
Snack: FiberOne Cottage Cheese
Lunch: Egg Salad wrapped in lettuce with cheese
Snack: Celery and artichoke/spinach Hummus
Dinner: Protein shake and maybe more egg salad???
Planned Water: 72 oz

I brought a protein shake with me to work just in case i get hungry today i can sip on that. No exercise planned as i am nursing a sinus infection.

I called today to check on the status of my preauth from both of my insurances. i knew one was denied because it is a non covered service and to my surprise the insurance that i was hoping would approve the surgery DID!!! They apparently approved it on 12/8/11. Boy am i glad i called to check on the status and was annoying because the letter didnt make it to my insurance coordinator. or the insurance company forgot to fax it or mailed it instead. Either way, I am approved to have the LapSleeve as my Surgeon calls it and to have a hiatel hernia repair. I am waiting to hear back from the surgery scheduler with my preop appt date and lab work instructions. as you can tell from previous posts i have started my diet and have even more resolve to be the best :) no more worry! now i just need to focus on getting everything ready :)

SOOOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!

Just spoke with the surgery scheduler who confirmed the surgery date of 12/28/11. My preop appt is 12/15 at 145pm. I have a good friend/old boyfriend coming to be my support person (they suggested i have one come). so signing all the consents, lab work and ekg. they said plan on 2 hours or so. Did i mention i am SOOOOOO EXCITED!!!! lol I can hardly focus at work today.

It is weird. before when i was a free fat person i ate to celebrate. i would be chowing down on a twix and some doritos with a barqs rootbeer and planning the rest of my evening. maybe olive garden or dominos. but now i am not thinking of what i am going to have. i am excited of course but its hindered a little bit because now i am thinking of what i cant have and need to try and find something else to do to celebrate. maybe ill go get a movie or new book or my eyebrows waxed! i need that desperately. thats what ill do to celebrate! :) no more food celebration!! :) im ok with that