ATL Diva 2009

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I have several different blogs that I attempt to update for my family, friends, and myself. In my Myspace blog I talked about Ecclestiasis (I know spelled dead wrong) 3 the for everything has its season scripture.  After thinking about it I want to add it to my blog here on OH as well Happy New Year

for everything there is a season

 

Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything

 1 There is a time for everything,
       and a season for every activity under heaven:

 2 a time to be born and a time to die,
       a time to plant and a time to uproot,

 3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
       a time to tear down and a time to build,

 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
       a time to mourn and a time to dance,

 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
       a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

 6 a time to search and a time to give up,
       a time to keep and a time to throw away,

 7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,

 8 a time to love and a time to hate,
       a time for war and a time for peace

 

I thought about this scripture as I looked in the rearview mirror of 2008 and glanced ahead in anticipation at 2009 while I ride safely in the present.  I truly beleive that there is a time for everthing and that thought has allowed me to endure pain that if I had thought it would be forever I may not have made it through.

I've come to the realization that every situation there is negative but there is also a positive element to that situation. What I forget during time of peril is that God says that there is a time for destruction but there is also time for building and I have to hold on to the fact that the tide will turn and that trouble doesn't last always. However, the caveat to that is I can choose to sit in the trouble longer than he intended to because the "up side" that I expected is not what He provided. There is a time for labor and a time for birth. If I choose I can labor  too long unnecessarily because the unknown of the birth is sometimes more painful  than the labor itself. I've seen many of friends and family in this situation that STAY in a situation whether its a relationship, a job, or within themselves because the comfort of the pain was better than the unknown of the joy of moving on. I personally have stayed stuck because I thought that was where I was SUPPOSE to be because of choices or decisions I've made that led me to that result and this was God's will for me so I when opportunities came to change I had put myself into a pergoatory.

I now am thankful that through meditation and my personal conversations with God that not only is  for everything there is a season  but also for everything there is a reason. The challenges that I have gone through was for my growth and my good....if I learn the lesson I'm suppose to learn from them. If I don't learn the lesson I'm destined to repeat the class.

There are a few people in my life that I can no longer  allow my attention to dwell because they seem to sadistically enjoy being the victim of this thing called life. I refuse to be a victim anymore through my God there is only one outcome which is my being the Victor. If I continue to indulge  in the lives of these permanent victims I will become dellusioned that I too am a victim and can not overcome my situations and I'll be back in my self imposed hell. I'm sorry I love me more than I love you so we shall have to part ways because I'm not strong enough to fight for both of us.

Some will say Shon/Ro has changed, she thinks she better because she lost the weight well you know what you're right and I refuse to apologize because unless I change and think I'm as good as God has called me to be I can not walk into the destiny that He has for me. Apologizing and "dimming my light" for others comfort is what got me in the place I was in up until 2007 and I refuse to live another day of my life less than I know I am just to make another person feel comfortable. how about yall  step up to my level now and we do this thing together? If not its been real but I gotta bounce I gotta fly with eagles I've been walking with penguins for too long.

Happy 2009

I normally blog and them create my title based on what I blogged about but today I decided the title was fitting since we are in the last days of 2008 and on the cusp of 2009.

2008 has been a great year for me by all accounts. Even the parts that I thought while going through would defeat me (dealing with an imcompetent supervisor, getting approval for the surgery, and the issues with my marriage) really did only make me stronger.  With the supervisor postion as soon as I had the surgery I begin to find this new found confidence. I did my thang and let her do hers. I didn't try to point out her flaws but I showed my growth. I didn't pick apart her weakness but thrived in my strengths. And you know what? I now have more authority and respect than she will ever have.

My marriage is a constant trip. But I've resolved myself to know that this is the essence of marriage. We will never get to the end of the journey, end of the good times, and bad, the highs and lows until death (either death of a partner or death of the marriage) I am learning that in every avenue of my life there is a season. My husband has stepped up in ways that I would never have imagined and you know why? Because I gave him standards that he had to meet to be in my life. I've always felt that to be "nice" meant I had to accept anything that anyone gave me because requiring anything mroe than that would be a "gold digger"  or a "bitch". Hoever, I've learned that to set standards for how you will be treated is not only fair but it is a necessity to get what you want from others but also yourself. I have to set standards that i will get moving physcially, that I will eat right, that I will be more spiritually aware and emotionally concious of what I do and say internally and to others. From others I will not allow you to treat me any less than I treat myself or you for that matter and if you don't want to play by my rules then I can walk away and know I will be ok with or without you in my life but I will not be fine without my peace in my life.

 I have always been confident but it was a "defensive confidence" I knew I was smart, attractive, funny and so on but I had to PROVE it to everyone so instead of it being assertive it came off sometimes as agressive and intimidating. Since the surgery the mental transformation has been that I don't need validation from anyone or prove myself to anyone.  I let my work, my actions, my character, and my soul speak for themselves. I always had inner beauty but now I have that outter thang glistening again I realize that its a gift. Not only a gift to me but a gift to anyone that steps in my presence.  I enhance or upgrade any relationship that I'm in simply by being me.  Is that cocky or what?  I'm sure people will be offended by the audacity of my confidence but oh well get over it. In 2009 I will not DEMAND respect but I will COMMAND it because that is what a true diva does.

I have this quote from the movie Mr. Carter and written by Marianne Willis in "Return to Love"

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

So in 2009 I give you permission through my light to shine as bright as physically possible!

I am at goal weight by everyone's standard (mine, surgeon, and NUT). Since I've hit that and been steady for 8 weeks or so I've begun to update my wardrobe.  Coming from a size 24/26 to a 10 my closet and dresser was emptied over the past 8 months and as you all know I've had to replace everything. My closet is now at capacity with all size 10's and i JUST bought another $1,00.00 worth of clothes this week (I spent about 300.00 but regular price I would have spent close to 1k) I just can't stop buying things! I don't shop when I'm angry, sad, or happy (transference of addiction) and I don't spend more than I bring in or my bill money.   Previously I shopped  exclusivley at Lane bryant and you know how expensive the clothes are there so now finding shirts and pants on a daily basis for 5,10, or 20 bucks is blowing my mind. 

Since the weight has come off I am more confident and want to be seen and when I'm seen I want to look very well put together. My question is is this a phase or something I should be concern about?

Well I'm in California for my last vacation fo 2008. Its going great enjoying my mom and my nephews and also just LOUNGING I have been here for 3 days and have shopped my ASS off! I was able to shop in my mom's closet a feat I have not done since 10th grade. I was able to pick up a couple of blazers 4 pairs of slacks, a pair of jeans, and about 7 shirts! i then went to a store that is closing its doors and bought 2 pair of shoes, a pair of jeans, 3 pair of slacks, 2 jackets,  2 dresses,  and about 10 shirts.  I think I'm good right nonw as far as clothing is concerned since I JUST bought another 7 pair of slacks and some shrits two weeks ago at home.  I would like to buy another pair of jeans and some sweats to work out in and some nice sleepwear. But now, I'm like everyone else and just adding to my wardrobe.

I think the reason I buy so much now is two fold. The first being I'm just excited to go in aand find things that I like, fit, and compliment my shape and assets. The second, is that I never have been able to buy clothes this inexpensive as plus size clothes i previously purchased.

My marriage has been great 4 weeks in a row and I thank God because it is only by his grace that we are not in divorce court. He and I both want to be here and make our marriage work and if it doesn't its not for a lack of trying on either of our parts.

Work, is going well. I was planning on applying for a position that I wasn't quite qualified for internally and shared it with my boss. After he and I spoke he shared with me that he could see me as a manager in the future (meaning if the dimwit that is ther enow leaves before our boss leaves i'm a shoe in for the position.  I had to let him know that I wanted that and wasn't satisifed in my current position even though in the grand scheme of things it is a great position and the possibilities are endless to what I can learn i want more and he agreed I was ready.

My focus for 2008 weight wise is to continue what I'm doing and maintaining  the progress I have made. i want to start working out with weights to begin to gain more muscle mass and hopefully will tone me that I will enjoy looking at myself out of clothes as I do in them.

Well I may blog again before Christmas but if not merry christmas and happy new year to anyone that reads this blog.

Well its not technically the end of 2008 but with less than four weeks left its damn near close.  This year has been AMAZING! When I started this year out I was 299 lbs I will be closing the year at 175(give or take a 3-5 lb weight fluctuation).  Last year I was planning to move from my home to my brother's in order to save some money now with NO money saved we are looking to move back hom the first part of 2009.  DJ and I have had our issues this year but I feel that this time we are ready to move in a better direction and grow as a couple and as a team.

I think the biggest change moreso than the physical which has been huge is my mental change.  I have seen more growth emotionally, mentally, and personally this year than i think I have  at any point in my life.  I can attribute it to the weight loss but I think it goes deeper than that. I think that the weight loss helped to shed this person I was hiding underneath because somewhere along the way I thought that I wasn't worthy to be happy, noticed, or recognized because of mistakes, or decisions I've made in the past and felt I was "getting what I deserved" in other areas of my life.  I don't accept anything less than the best for myself from me or anyone else. Not saying that I want perfection but I have to know you are trying and giving your best when it comes to me. In the past I always gave you 120% of myself and giving myself 30% but expecting you to give me 120% and get mad when you have the audacity to give yourself 120%.

What I've found now is that I give you 100% and I give myself 100% but I also expect you to give you 100% and give me 100%. This is an average some days I have to give our relationship 200% and give me 0 or vice versa but on average I don't give one anymore than I give the other. I FINALLY learned that is how to keep balance in your life. Now, it wasn't easy and it wasn't without pain for me or for people I had relationships with. What this did for my relationships is it caused a lot of them to "step up" becaue I was being cheated or it caused me to "step off" so that we are putting in the same amount of time, attention, and effort into our relationship. This works PERFECT for me. I don't feel taken advantage of nor do I feel like I'm giving ALL to someone else with nothing in return. Nor, do I resent the people that I'm giving too because I neglected myself and my needs for them.

Some folks call me cocky, self assured, confident, and even the dreaded selfish but so the hell what??? I'm happy and for the first time in 13 years (since I've been an adult) I'm living my life on my terms. I've made my own decisions in the past but it was usally to retaliate against a decision that was made for me, or to prove a point and that's not the case anymore.  I don't need anyone else's validation and it feels great! For the first time in my life weight is NOT on my resolution and neither is correcting mistakes from my past, or making decisions out of regret. My new years resolutions are as follows:

1) keep living my life for me and my happiness

2) Continue to work on my marriage

3) Begin to get our financial house in order

4) Enroll in a dance class and perform in front of people

5)Take a class in SOMETHING

6) Continue to explore and develope myself

7) Take a vacation with my husband

8)Buy a king size bed

Well, Thanksgiving was not THAT bad at all. I ate turkey, dressing and crandberry sauce,greens, and a roll. My mother in law even made me a tiny sweet potatoe pie using Splenda  ! It was great then a lil later I had some gumbo (with no rice) and mroe dressing. Now, mind you I only had a couple of table spoons of each item but I didn't over indulge I ENJOYED!  It was the first time I was at a holiday meal and I enjoyed and anticipatd the people more than I did the food.

Now, something else happened this weekend that could have destroyed my marriage.  I was two steps away from cheating on my husband. I don't kow what it was but I do look SO different now and more attractive physically that I get tons of compliments and normally I can accept them and move on. However, our marriage has been tettering on destruction for so long that I didn't realize that at my weakest I could make a horrible mistake.  I've always said that I would never cheat if it got to that point I would walk away. But over the weekend I had a couple of people grinning in my face and there was flirting and before i knew it I was over at a man's home talking to him like he was my husband! I quickly regained control of my senses when I realized that he wanted to have sex and I left. But I had to explain to my husband where I was and why I got home so late.
He and I chatted all day yesterday and we realized that I NEEDED attention from him, however, he was so afraid that loving, enjoying, and appreciating the woman I have become was denoucing the woman that I was. Which is the same thing that I do too. I am SO trying to show that I am the "same person" that I don't acknowledge and accept that I have cahnged and I've changed for the better.  And that is OK. My husband also is understanding that the person i used to be is gone and if he doesn't acknowledge that then it leads too much space for someone else to acknowledge me and opens me up for temptation so we'll see. 

We go through this journey in the beginning for the change but we can not fathom wrapping our head around how it will change our life. As of this morning I am 177 lbs!!!! There is a big change from Ro at 299 and me at 177!! I talk about the changes but I'm afraid to live the changes because I'm so afraid that  I'm admitting that  person was not as attractive as I am now.

Well I just did my Thanksgiving post but it wasn't what I trly wanted to write about. I can't beleive I can go back to my pictures and see how far I've come and the fact that if I would have stopped when i thought I was comfortable i would have stoped 45 lbs ago.  Not because I wanted to "trip" myself up its just that when I looked at the 299 I came from the 220 looked REAL good at that moment. Then when I got to 199 and was under 200 that was a major accomplishment and that looked REAL good. Even at 185-190 I was . like I've hit goal!!!!! But you know what? I'm 181 and I FEEL great and look even better.

I say that to say that I have had low expectations and not reach for the stars because the expectation was better than where I am currently so I should be happy with that. But you know what? I ain't doing that ANYMORE. I will no longer "sttle" on low expectations just so that I'm assured I meet them.  My goals are lofty they are high and unattainable without hard work and blessing from God who can perform miracles.  It is only when we dream for things out of our reach that we can truly enjoy His magic. I want to run my own company.  I don't know what I want to do but i know Ihave great analytical, logic, and people skills.  I also know I was born to lead. So why would i ask God to bless me with the mailroom when i'm suppose to be leading the meeting in the boardroom? I may begin in the mailroom but that is not my final destination but nor is being one step up from the boardroom. 

My goal as far as my weight is to be healthy but why just be "borderline" healthy? Why be happy with being only "overweight" instead of "morbidly obese" when God wants me to be "normal weight"? why settle for just being "good" instead of "at my worse" when God wants me to be "at my best"? I take my vitamins I drink my water and get my protein in my body will find its "sweet spot" and settle down and at that point I will be at my best.  So if I lose anyother 6 lbs to get to a "normal" weight will I look THAT much different? Probably not. I can resign myself that at 5'10 I will ping pong for the rest of my life between 170-180 and a size 8/10 is that REALLY a bad thang? frankly I don't give a DAMN what you think!
Until next time.

I can not believe that only a year has passed since I begun this journey. Last Thanksgiving Day I begun to share the news about deciding on having WLS. I was also saying goodbye to my 'last' thanksgiving dinners.  but today I'm very excited about having dinner but I have had a paradigm shift as I think about this year dinner and about the famil and friends I will see and will see me and the food I will taste and enjoy but not over indulge. I can have ANYThING on that table in moderation. the only things I don't eat is sweets unless it is a sugar free because I don't like the way it taste (too sweet). This morning as I sit here and reflect on my life I have SO many things that I am thankful for:
1) I'm thankful for my strength
the strength to be able to say "I need help" with this weight thing and I'm stronger because of that decision

2) I'm thankful for a supportive friend and family network
my husband, brother, and parents have been supportive of me since day ONE until this one.  But my extended family, my friends, coworkers, and strangers have amazed me with the support I have received.

3) I am thankful to have a job
With the economy the way it is and so many people without I am thankful

4) I am thankful to LOVE my job
I grip and complaain about the external factors but I love the true essence of my job and what I do I love and enjoy going to work every day

5) I am thankful for OH
I don't  know what I would do without the support of this site
                                        AND

6) i am thankful for God's grace and mercy
I haven't been perfect but He loves me anyway and sees my heart is pure and continues to bless me even with my mess.

I hope everyone has a great tthanksgiving

Well its been 7 months since surgery and if you read my other post then you know I have lost over 100 lbs in that time. Well now I'm cool with where I am at.  I'm 184-187 lbs and a size 10/12 and medium tops at 5'10 that's pretty small and I'm OK!  I now have the difficult job of shifting from losing to maintenance this is the most frightening part to me because we've all lost the weight the hard part was keeping it off.

I've gotten myself pretty settled in my routine but I've also started eating more calories meaning I need to kick up my workout so that I can maintain my current weight or even try to lose the last 15 lbs by April that the NUT would like me to lose to get my BMI to 24. This is where the rubber meets the road and the truly successful are seperated from the short term weight loss.

Wish me luck!

Well, I went to Lane Bryant’s on Saturday because I had tried on a pair of straight leg “skinny pants” that fit the weekend before however I didn’t get paid until Friday and didn’t want to write a “hot check” for something so frivolous. Well I tried on the pant and they fit perfect but I was also a little bloated from being premenstrual, ANYWHO…I go back on Saturday tried the jeans on and guess what? They didn’t fit!!! It was the smallest size they had and it became official I was no longer “plus”.   I have been going between a “regular” 14 and a “plus” 14 for the past 8 weeks. I’ve only lost 12 lbs in those eight weeks which I hadn’t really noticed as I’m not as obsessed with the scale as I was in the beginning. I continue to monitor my weight every morning but now it is more of a keeping myself in line than how much have I lost this week.

I know most of us say that we can’t wait to shop in normal stores which I loved but I always thought that I would be able to “live” in both worlds; the world in which I was comfortable and this new world that was so unchartered. Now, I discover that I am at a crossroads and must choose: do I stay where I am comfortable or do I go down this unchartered path.   

 I put my clothes on and said goodbye to my friend Lane Bryant forever. I went next door to NY&Co. and began to try on clothes it was strange to be in the store with “normal” size folks and I felt that they were staring at me as to say why is she here? Although, technically I was smaller than most of them. I began to try on clothes when I realized that I was no longer a 14!  I realized at that moment why I no longer belonged in Lane Bryant: because I no longer belonged there. I am currently in a size 10/12. Less than 7 months after my surgery I have lost 112 lbs and have gone from a size 24/26 to a size 10/12!!!!  

Pre-ops or newbies that may read my blog please know that as most say this process is 10% physical and 90% mental. I love the new me I have become and although I “think” I’m the same I must admit I’m not. I’m more disciplined, confident, sexy, sassy, and comfortable with myself than I ever was before even when I was smaller. I look at situations differently than I would have a year ago and I’m a better woman than I was before. April 14^th was truly my “birthday” and I have to recognize in order to take advantage of the gift of new life I must say goodbye to the old one and that’s HARD because I’ve known that woman for 31 years. I MOURN the passing of the old me and celebrate the entrance of the new me. She had 31 years now its time for me to give this other girl that was always in me her time in the spotlight.