2 years, and 220 lbs later - ONDERLAND

Jul 05, 2012

I am trying to get my head around this. I, formerly 420 lbs, NOW weigh 199. It's a little unreal. Good thing I took a picture :)

It's been quite the journey up until this point. I've lost a shit load of weight. I've lost more than some of these people here getting surgery weighed to begin....Ive lost more than an adult person - ive lost an obese one at that !

Being closer to goal - this will hopefully push me a bit. Ive been struggling a lot - people don't realize that as much as ive changed physically, there is an equal, if not greater change psychologically. I often feel alone, burried in a deep hole because I feel isolated because of the mental struggles. People look at me like I should be happy all the time, in a permanent state of excitement and thrills because after all, ive accomplished such a huge feat. And while I am - I also have to deal with everything else- hating my now deflated body, feeling trapped in a body I dont want to be in, dealing with food/scale/coffee addiction (haha yes, I said coffee - its a problem now :-p), constantly worried about reaching some arbitrary goal, etc. People just dont understand and that just compounds the problem. Every time I try to talk about it and I get the "bitch, you are crazy" response, it just pushes me away more. Maybe I'm dealing with some anxiety/depression issues but ive just been down...down in the dumps for the last couple months. I'm attempting to get some help, but as much as I dont understand myself, neither do doctors.

But, I am strong. I'm a fighter and I'm not quitting. I will reach my goal, I will get my plastic surgery (date set, money in the bank, time off from work -done!) and I will be one hot skinny bitch next year. I'm going to spend the next few months hopefully getting some help for my head before I change my body once again so I can enjoy life to the fullest.

This should be a celebratory day - but I'm using it as a day of reflection, and planning. I need to get my head out of the sand, and get to work!

I am so grateful for all of my friends here, humbled by the inspiration ive been able to give to others, and optimistic for the months to come.

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