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Things are going awesome! I have lost a total of 33lbs:) it has been one month as of Nov. 13th. I am estatic, but learning how to eat all over again is difficult. Breakfast and lunch seem to go just fine-- but sometimes dinner is a little harder. I can't quite eat chicken, fish or beef very well... it depends on the day. People are noticing the weight loss-- but they are also are paying attention to my eating style...:" can you eat that? Are you okay with that? Are you alright?"    It is very difficult to answer ... if i am sick...lol

I hear all these comments and feel helpless. I don't mean to not apperciate concerns, but I  am still learning on my own. The comments seem to make it harder. I am now seeing my habits that I have not admitted to until now. I can not deny it that I grab bites of food while cooking. I rush through my meals.. this is all something that i have to work on all the time. The evenings are definintly a learning experience. I am working paying attention to my body more, and following thru with my goals!

I apperciate the people on here, that have given me support. Without the input of people on here and reading posts, I woulld be lost! GROUP HUG!

 I met with the doctor for my 3 week meeting- I have lost 20lbs YEAH!
I can see it in my clothes, I can feel it when I sit at the desk.. sit in the car!
I feel the energy!              YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!

I returned to work about 10 days after surgery. Other than being tired in the early evening,
I feel Great! Lunches are so easy now,but I do find it difficult to keep up on my water. Obviously I haven't had to go in to the hospital for dehydration-- but I know it isn't enough!
I go day to day not focusing on my positives. It is terrific to have a wonderful family that supports me. I get to hear my little girl tell me what is the healthy choice of food to eat.

Going out to eat is an adventure.... I don't mind ordering one cup of soup, or side of yogurt, or a yam. I never finish what I order, but it is a good feeling to save money! I am learning what types of soft healthy foods I can eat and still join the family with out loose out on the relationship. I look a meals differnlty now, it is not about the food but the fellowship. I have more time to talk to my family and listen to thier stories, rather than focusing on my hunger. Don't get me wrong-- I can get hungry... but it is differnt now, and easy to satisfiy. Head hungry is something else I am trying to get to over. I fix food for my family and I won't be hungry but thier food looks good as I cook. I find myself reaching out for a bite, and realize.. hey I am not hungry, why do I keep grabbing food. Habit... Addiction... whatever you want to call it - I am working thru it.
 
People that know about the surgery, notice my weightloss and it makes me feel great! But I am not sure if others really notice yet. Gee... that sound so arrogant, but yes.. I want people to notice me!

I went to a support meeting-- although I would call it more informational. It was full of resources for the holidays and ideas to survive the holiday stress. However, no one really mentioned individual questions or concerns. I thought that their would be more time to share or exchange experinences, but then again... I can do it on here! I am learning as I go, teaching my family as I learn, and finding ways to make my life as healthy as possible!

 I feel like a roller coaster of emotions. I feel GREAT... I don't feel hungry, but I have to learn to emotionally ignore food. I only have until
Thursday and I will have my post op appointment. I am hoping at that point I can at least to a full liquid diet. Just when I am focusing on my intake, protien, and doing well.... hmmmmmm I smell Pizza!! I could so easily just sit down and eat a piece! But I am not going to I have control... it is just the thought as I watch the family eat. I warm up my broth... and sit down at the table sticking to my limits.
I told my hubby that God must really want me to keep focused, because Tacos and Pizza are some of my favorites. Proudly I have done very well!
This morning the smell of coffee filled the house while the sound of the pot brewing, my tastebuds began to water. OH... I can have coffee, to get me going, just as I have before. The challange.... I can live without the milk, but how am I going to sweeten it? I pour a cup, add some splenda-- take a taste...  I despise the after taste... I pour the coffee out-- making a new cup, I start to grab some dry creamer thinking... hmmm maybe I can add just a little. I look at the ingredients...my daughters walk in and say..."Mom... you can't do that no milk products."
Caught, in the action, I retreat. I now try to sweeten the coffee with Stevia.... I take a taste--- hmmmm this might work. I take it into the living room take a few more sips and finally decide I will have to wait for my coffee...


MEETING SOME GOALS 
One of my goals was to get thru the surgery with no complications.....this goal is MET!
Another goal was to be a role model for my daughters and sons.... I believe this goal is occuring....
We sat down to dinner and my youngest daughter just finished her drink.  ( Caprisun) I told her that it is healthier to drink water and it will fill her up. I told her that sometimes our body feeels hungry, but really it is thirsty-- so drinking water might help her feel full. She finished her taco and then drank a glass of water... she then said.."Mom your right! The water made me full, I don't need to have another taco. The water helped- Mommy I want to be like you and drink lots of water."   

TAKING ON CHANGES FOR LIFE
 I've decided not to look at the scale, as I do not want to focus on my weight... but be more alert to my healthy lifestyle. It seems that when I look at the scale I only get depressed... Even when I lose weight, I don't really feel an inner excitment.... never have, so I will not focus on the " What if's or I should have's or I could be's of life.." I will be proud of my efforts to have an newlifestyle.
It took me so long to get to this point emotionally.... I am glad for the changes in my life... as I will learn from all of them!

 FAMILY OPINIONS
My greatest concerns about this surgery was the opinons... but all is going well. I cried today, when I recieved a card from my grandmother... something so simple... but meaningful. She is PROUD of me... brought tears to my eyes. How I love my family and I want nothing more than thier support.
Occasionally there are comments made or jokes that I take personally, but I realize this is NOT about them... IT IS ABOUT and FOR ME.

I made it home...Life is great:) A little gas pain, but overall, no difficulties. Dr.Higa, came in to see me before and after the procedure. His entire group was very helpful. I will write more about my experiences...but need to get to my broth

How can one be nervous and excited? I went to my pre-op yesterday.. it is set! it is hard to believe that next week this time it will be over and yet just beginning.  This week, I put myself on a full liquid diet just to mentally prepare and to get use to having a different meal then the family. It actually felt like more than I usually eat... but the emotional ties to food are prevalent. I think hey I am doing great.... then I realize  I am thinking about food only because I am pre-occupied with other concerns. Meal time.. is just another need. No longer is it the focus. I am struggling with who I tell and who I don't. Some people understand while others respond with "why would you do that to yourself." My natural response is... why wouldn't I do this! I have been dealing with this for years and I want to change!
 I finally got the nerve to tell my mother. I am almost 40 years old.. and still concerned about what my mother thinks... lol  I don't really understand why I worry about what others think, but it is always in the back of my mind. I guess it is because I need postive support to get through this and I feel that my some ofmy family and friends will see this as a cop out...or failure instead of a postive change for my life.
Therefore I feel limited as to who i inform. However, it almost seems easier to let strangers know, as i do not feel judged. But God has helped me prepare for this...I have recently learned that I do not have to always please others or do what they say. I do not have to..."Keep up with the Jones" God loves me and has given me his gift by grace...  nothing is attached to his gift... i don't have to earn it, i don't have to jump thru hoops... I only have to be ME!

As of tomorrow, I have a new insurance. I have called both the doctors and the insurance companies to hopefully get a head start on my pre-approval. Yes as I move forward, I step backwards. I finally get a date and UHG a new insurance. I am hoping Blue Shield  ( my new insurance) will accept my pre- approval from Blue cross. I already have my surgery date, pre-op date and the date for me to go to the hospital... SO CLOSE... I do not want to stop!

I decided for my own mental adjustment and emotional dependency, I should get use to liquids. I put myself on a Full Liquid diet for the last 3 days... WOW lost 9 lbs. I don't really seem hungry, i just keep making myself drink water when i feel the urge to eat. I have also been surprised at how good Sugar Free Jello can taste. It is like a reward to have that little bit of something. I know that I shouldn't use food as a reward, but my mouth definitely enjoys it! 

The hard part is cooking for my family and watching them eat. Last night I made the family tacos, while I ate my smoothie. Yes.. it was tempting to not sneak a bite of cooking taco meat. The avocados were calling my name as I sliced them for everyone else. WHAT AM I DOING TO MYSELF??? I DID IT! another Hurdle jumped...
Now, tonight we went out to dinner. Another hurdle--- I did splurge, I ate a soup and salad. i skipped my raspberry tea, in exchange for a tea. I know it isn't all liquids, but I feel I need to learn to eat proportionally and learn to eat with my family.
This will be my biggest problem, will be changing my families diet to be healthier... without them thinking I am trying to make them eat all liquids. This will change my life for a better future, but I want to break the cycle and teach my kids how to eat and be healthy. it would be nice to not have to cook to separate meals. I believe teaching my family will take being a role model, not just say hey kids, mom has to eat this way you eat whatever. I need to consider my kids future...This is the beginning of a new lifestyle for me and my family!

 I started back to work last week and have been busy getting things set up in the classroom. I found out our company will be switching insurances in Oct. This was devastating news to me. I talked to several representatives from Human resources, to Insurance carries, from the Doctors office to the intake nurse, I was informed that the new insurance may need me to have another pre-approval completed. UHG! What terrible timing. I turned down the first surgery date because I didn't want to miss work, I scheduled it for a later date when I had time off work. All this work to set up a later date seem to be poor planning when considering insurances. I have to admit, I was some-what depressed almost giving up on the idea that my surgery was a reality.
I finally talked to another person in our Human Resources department, whom is in charge of the setting up the new Insurance. I will have Blue Shield as of OCT. 1. Human resources seems to think that there will be no difficulty getting the surgery authorized in time I am hoping this is true! After speaking with her, I felt a tremendous wight lifted off my shoulders. I am once again looking forward to the new me.
I told myself I wouldn't inform people at work ahead of time, but I felt like the two people I work closes with would want/need to know. I am sure they would figure it out, but I was so glad that they are supportive. My supervisor is also very supportive. It really feels good to be open with people about my plans. I am realizing each day Oct. 13th  is getting closer ALMOST THERE!!!!

I have been anticipating this day. I have been waiting to hear for the doctor, and came to the reality that I will not be getting surgery anytime soon. I checked my voicemail tonight and there was a message from Dr. Higa's office stating my insurance approved-- call back for an appointment!
If they can't get me in by next week-- then I will have it scheduled for October, during my break. YEAH!!! I am excited and nervous at the same time! My mind is racing with all the things I need to do. I want to be prepared, I want to keep up on my water, I want to keep up with the vitamins... will I miss the food, should I start my a liquid diet UHG!!!! Okay, my mind is wandering.... but God has given me this opportunity -- so I can't wait to be ME!

A get away for me:
My husband and I had the opportunity to get away while taking our grandson back home (he lives in Las Vegas.) I decided to get a hotel room for some romance time and not stay with the kids. We rarely get to be alone, so this is a treat. My husband has friends here, whom I had not yet met. We arranged to meet his friends for dinner in addition to our exploring the city. This is where my anxiety and nervousness steps in. Eager to meet new people and excited to get to know my husband’s friends, I looked forward to our dinner.
Getting ready for dinner:
I brought causal and dressier clothing for the trip. It was difficult to choose my clothes because I have 'outgrown' the nicer clothing. In the hotel, I tried on 4 of my outfits. Every time I looked at myself in the mirror I didn't like what I saw. The top was too tight; my hips looked to wide... UHG you name it thoughts went thru my head. Bless my husband; he sat there watching me patiently. It was when he asked me why I was so self conscious about my appearance. I then realized that this is the routine that I go thru every morning. I pick out clothes. That technically fit and should look nice, but I am never happy with the way it looks on me. With a few tears and deep breaths, I decided on an outfit. It sounds so arrogant to even focus on appearance so much, but this is where my mind goes.
Window Shopping:
Vegas has all kinds of stores and outlets, we decided to walk around and enjoy the sites. As we passed by the windows of store, I found myself trying to picture myself in the outfits that were in the windows. Business suites, high heels, short skirts, size 2-6 clothing. UH!!!!! The negative thoughts began to flow; I become overwhelmed, not enjoying my casual stroll with my husband. As a people watcher, I try to change my thoughts by observing others in the mall. I then start to feel envious of the beautiful women in form fitting dresses and high heels. I have this desire to be looked at... to have heads turn ... but then I get a reality check...plus size jeans and and tank top was my choice of clothing. Why because it hides my hips, it sort of emphasize my attributes and it is safe. But honestly I really dream about looking different. Unfortunately my fear of failure begins to overtake my hopes! I set myself up, unconsciously keeping myself from enjoying the alone time! I feel like I am being unfair to my husband, my worrying controls my actions. My actions are to avoid anything that reminds me of my weight.
Alone Time:
How I love my husband! He has always been supportive and he always wants to have time with me. We did have a terrific evening with his friends and came to the hotel to enjoy the Jacuzzi tub together. This is the reason I enjoy having a hotel room, large showers and Jacuzzi tubs. This is where I feel sexy. I don't have to worry about hanging over the sides of the tub, and crossing my legs-- I fit in the tub... We fit in the tub  We can shower together and not have to take turns trying to figure out how to turn around without squishing each other. I look around the room and I build positive thoughts of what it is going to be like after my surgery.
Public Restrooms:
Well with a lot of walking and people, going to the restrooms becomes a feat. As I enter the stall and attempt to rearrange my bags, purse and turn around... i realize that this will not be as hard after my surgery. Public restrooms often have smaller stalls- making it claustrophobic and challenging for a larger person. For once, I would like to go in the stall and not have my hips rubbing the walls, I would like to stop having to suck in my gut to turn around and Lord forbid... i would like to be able to bendover and reach the toliet paper off the roll without feeling like I had to hold in my breath, to avoid passing out.   As ridiculous as these sounds, these are the little things I look forward to not having to worry about later. This surgery could not come sooner.
Reality Check:
It took me awhile to make the decision to do a WLS. I really didn't know if it would be the best decision for me. I had self doubt and I didn't want to let others know what I really thought about myself. I do a good job holding up the front and pretending that none of these things bother me. However, I know! I finally adjust my attitude and get use to the idea that YES... there will be a new me... Yes right now with this change of thought there is a new me.... but then... I call insurance--UHG!
Back to the waiting game:
So I knew I would have to wait for approval and it would take time to get through the process but I decided to check on the request with insurance. It had been a little over a week since the nurse called me and told me she had all the paper work and would be contacting the insurance company. I thought if I called it might speed up the process or at least relieve my concerns by giving me a time frame. As the insurance person looks up my account, my stomach tightens, waiting to hear the results. I had butterflies in my stomach and my heart began pounding. Then the news comes... “There is no request from your doctor for a WLS ." WHAT!!!!! HOW could this be? I talked to the nurse last week. Perhaps they are backed up...i left messages, with the nurse-- but she has yet to return it. I am typically a patient person, but this is difficult. I really want to get this going. Just when I build up my hopes... it gets shot down. I keep reminding myself that this is just a procedure...nothing personal. However, it takes a lot for me to look forward or even imagine the new me... so this set back is somewhat devastating at this time. Thank goodness I have other people's positive stories and support! I will keep my head high and not let this ruin my weekend. For everything there is a plan... God knows what he is doing-- even if it doesn't meet my expectations of an outcome :)

Here I am... On my way... no.. wait.. NOT YET ? I have been to the seminar, and I found more positives than negatives about WLS. I have been really focusing on losing weight, but it just hasn't 'happened' it takes work. I gave up on myself, sabotaging any progress. My doctor recommended I look into the nutritional aspect of WLS. By the time I went Thur the Upper GI, the psych eval and the nutritional class... I knew i was on my way. As of last Thursday, everything was turned in and i was just waiting on my insurance. I called the Dr. office, still waiting for a return call. i have built up this idea that I would get this done during the summer, so my anxiety is high as I anticipate a surgery date. I have all kinds of thoughts and questions going thru my head. My biggest concern was how my family particularly my mother would take it when i told her about my choice to have a gastric by pass. Surprisingly she was supportive, but concerned--- of course. My kids and husband are defiantly supportive! Support at home, Support at on here, now it is just the waiting game. God has lead me here and I put my faith in him to lead me to the right path.