onlysunnydaysahead

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Last week I thought I was doing really good. Checking in for class, pumped up! I hoped on the scale and gained. WTH? Well as I was walking away this girl said... that cant be right and got on the other scale. What do ya know there was a 3lb difference. ok so that means I lost 2lbs and was totally stoked. That was thursday. This weekend was fairly easy. I didn't eat like I usually do on the weekends. I was practicing making large dishes for my company and sticking to my own foods. Monday rolls around (as do I these days) and I have a physical scheduled to change my primary dr to a more supportive one for aftercare and such. Well I hoped on that scale and I wanted to cry. That would mean that the first scale was right last week and that I gained over the weekend. I went home and ate a whole tub of tortilla soup from vons then started in on the cheese in the house. I know what I did and why. And now I have to fix it. I really hope the scale was wrong and I know I shouldn't have done what I did after the fact. Tonight I am going for a walk and meditating after. I really need to get my head in the game. I just am having trouble with the pre percentage weight loss. It feels like every failed crash diet but 10x worse because I know it is a MUST and I am trying.  I have the, loose 3 gain 4 factor. This is tough. I will get through this. It is hard to tell myself not to eat. I feel crappy when I eat and I feel crappy when I tell myself I need to practically starve. I am having trouble finding a middle ground. Anyway, rough start to my week. Up and over and through. That's all I can do!

WOW. About 2 weeks ago a guest speaker came into my class. She said she went through food grieving and cried for like 3 days. I thought, this chick is crazy, what the hell is she talking about. That following week when I ate something I actually thought about it and the fact that I wouldn't be able to eat this after surgery. When explaining this in my class last week, my teacher said she thought I was going though the food grieving process. I still didn't get it. Well as of yesterday it really really hit me. I get it. 

Nice morning after trick or treating with my family, I decided that I would like to go out to Denny's for breakfast. I got sad when we got in the car. My husband asked me what was wrong and it dawned on me that I was sad because i felt guilty about going out to eat. I knew I shouldn't be eating out. I knew I was going to order food and food portions are crazy and I always eat it. I felt like I was setting myself up and I felt bad. OK, pushed out the bad thoughts and ordered. 

When my food got there it was wrong. My husband asked me "well what are you going to do?" That was like a brick to the face. I couldn't believe I was ready to eat this just because it was there. My feelings about my options were scary. A. I could just eat it. B. I could ask for them to replace it. A. would mean that I was settling to just eat whatever and I felt like that was wrong because I wouldn't be doing that if it were post surgery. B. felt wrong because it would mean that I was making a big deal over food. I was sad again. I decided to reorder and make them fix it because of point A. because I won't just eat anything after surgery. 

I was sitting and watching my family eat. I had two thoughts. One was that Denny's had just ruined my breakfast out with my family. the other was, what the hell was I thinking? Because the food was wrong, my time out with them was bad. What a dumb ass! It became clear to just sit and talk and be OK with the time there and not to care about the food.

When my food came out again, it was wrong again. Wholy wow. Seriously... as if I didn't have enough food issues right now!!!!

I made them fix it and put it in a to go box. I ate a couple of things off my daughters plate and I was happy just being there. It was a nice breakfast out after all. And my to go plate was picked at through the day. I honestly don't know why I would have sat and ate that much in a setting anyway. I am getting through this food thing. 

Next step is to go back to the beginning and start focusing on what I can have and exercising so I can lose my pre-weight. That hit a halt for a minute while I was going through this. Mainly because I had the mindset that I should get it all in now. That was good and bad. Good because I think if I didn't do that I wouldn't have had this process. And bad because I could have lost a couple of pounds already. Oh Well. Its a new week tmrw! 

Ok I am not sure how many of you have heard this. Today my husband came home and said he wanted me to check out this song. Said it was really catchy. At first I was thinking, whats this dorky junk he is bring me. The first lines of the song almost broke me. We had just had a discussion in class about being open and not being passive aggressive. Taking charge of our lives and not giving a rip about what people think. I care a lot about what other people think. It is one of my main struggles right now. This not giving a crap thing is a new concept to me and I am doing ok, the change is happening slowly but this really gave me a go to song to pump me up before I go out in public. I seriously stopped walking my dog because some chick slowed her car down and gave me a thumbs up. All the things that went through my head about what she may be thinking and that other people see my fat but walking down the street... I am sure you all can imagine. My brain gets the best of me most days. Any way I am so loving this and don't want to forget it! I like the idea of gaining confidence now because it can only get stronger after surgery as long as I do my part. 

I am so glad I have these classes. I am being more mindful of what I put in my mouth and I am trying to exercise more. The 6 pounds I lost actually don't matter. I gained that 6 pounds between orientation and my first class. I was disgusted with myself and was beating myself up when they said that 10% of our weight loss prior to WLS would be calculated from our weight at orientation. I should have known. But that is out of the way I can keep moving forward. I think about pounds as hamburger. Do you buy those huge 5lb hamburger tubes at the store? Well I lost a little more than that. If I was to look at that meat piled up on the counter, I could see what I have to be proud of.

I have made a couple of friends at my daughters school. I am trying to be that up beat poppy fun person that I envy so much. I have been negative for so long that I think I may have forgotten how to just be. People used to like me. I also used to be happy. I say that and realize that, that was prior to getting a job, a house, a car, a life, and having a child. It ain't high school friends anymore. Anyway. I am trying. These 2 moms really seam to like me. There is a 3rd but being judgmental me, I think she looks more classy and maybe she is judging me and fakes it in the mornings. But I am freaking crazy and bi-polar and weird sooo... It's probably in my head. :) 

I skipped out on being in the PTA and being room mom for my daughter's school because I thought she would be ashamed to have her fat mom around so much. Well one of the ladies I talk to in the morning is a little chubby and became the room mom. So I in turn get to help out with a ton of events and am feeling ok about it. I have started to say SCREW IT! I want to be there and this has to start now. I would rather not miss a day of stuff I can do with my daughter. I am making chili for the chili cook off, I am donating time and manning a both for the fall festival, I have donated prizes for the fall festival, I am making fun food for their Halloween party, I am really feeling good about this being involved stuff. I can only imagine how I will feel about all this once I am comfortable with myself on the outside. Right now I am working on the inside. 

Skipping back around to my classes. I do have to say that I feel like am am getting the minimal from them. Not as much as I thought I would. I get more out of this site. And well, common sense. And using that common sense without being crappy to myself, by either treating my body like a trash can or telling myself things that make me hate myself. I have to keep this can do attitude. I have to stay positive for me. I really liked class 4. We had a sub and she was AMAZING! I could feel the energy and comfort in the room. She was supportive and had opinions. My classmates were open and honest and getting answers on how to resolve their questions. It was just AMAZING! It's too bad I can't hire that lady on the sly, because I really felt energized and ready to rule the week when I left that class last week. I hate to sound bad, I hate to talk crap, (ok no I don't, let's try to be honest here) But our teacher just talks and is repetitive and we try that uncomfortable laugh at her harshness, and rude comments but I can cut the tension in the room with a knife. These poor people just want answers and support and kindness and tools for their future. And they (we) leave feeling ashamed and baffled and haven't learned a thing because she kinda likes to hear herself talk. Maybe that's just her. Sometimes I tune her out and look at her smile and think, well some people probably are attracted to her emotionally and attach themselves to her like a cult leader because she is so care free. Yeah I guess I break it down to her being care free. She probably don't know the effect of what she is saying until after it comes out. Some people are just like that. F-IT. She looks happy. 

Anyway, Long blogggggg! I am going to have a great week! I finally hit my starting weight. I got about 20lbs to go to get my 10%. I am averaging about a pound a week. I think I can do this. I got 19 Weeks left. Wow... 19 Weeks. I like the sound of that! 

It is with mixed emotions that I get ready for my first class Thursday. I am excited but also I find myself dwelling on... well myself. I am having trouble with eating and exercise on my own. It is tough for me because my husband only wants my tried and true meals of meatloaf, casseroles and steak. I on the other hand want to eat salad and fish. Also my 4yr old is food allergic. So I get lazy and do not want to cook 3 meals. Also, the more I think about it, the worse I feel about myself on a daily basis. I do have bi-polar issues and that plays a big part in emotion, especially when in public. I know I shouldn't feel this bad but it is tough to focus on the positive all of the time. I am hoping the classes will help my frame of mind and the way I think about myself. This weekend was great with out door activity and I am happy that Thursday is finally around the corner. Now if I could only get out of my own head and stop looking in the mirror for now. I do take the time to look at before and after pics of people on here and it is the smiling faces on the after pics and the happy posts I see about people years out of their own surgeries that keep me moving forward. Little by little I will get there! Oh, and I still have yet to take a before picture, I hate the camera, and right now it hates me too. 

Ok, So I got called for classes and they start September 18th. That's not as bad as it was looking. I am so excited to be starting the classes. It is the biggest part of my future. I think this alone is the biog deal! The surgery is the small part to the education of being healthy. Lately I have been pretty hungry. Dropped 2 pounds this week just from trying to eat different foods. And this is before my class. I want to be READY and showing progress before I set foot in the classroom. I am still having trouble with the smoking 1-3 ciggs a day. I should be all the way off by the time my classes start tho. So far I have cut out soda completely. Still having the morning coffee and do need to kick that as well. I have cut out red meat and am eating chicken, turkey, pork and lots of fish. I prefer salmon.

Also I made it out to the beach yesterday (got burnt) to have some play time out doors with the little one. It was a blast. I did have some trouble at the end of the day and was ready to go when some twigs in bikinis laid out right next to us. (Husband, avert your eyes or be killed with dirty looks!) This is something I have always struggled with and at least I made it to the beach and soaked up some Vit D!!!

I can't wait to get the healthcare package from  my little sister! Good healthy snacks and some vitamins! Being that she works in a health food store has been a great help.(HUGS)

My daughter got invited to a big convention in LA where she can win some awards for he lil performances! YAY We are attending in July of next year. By that time I will be a whole different person! I am looking forward to being her chaperon on her trip and meeting new people. Mingling with the parents! Wholy cow! I wont be ashamed to be in public by then! The biggest deal for me is that I wont be scared, emotionally beaten, drained. Being afraid to make friends has been a battle! I am working on me inside and now out! A better healthier me....

Kaiser San Diego - Called the options program (Wednesday) and went to 2 orientations on same day (Thursday.) I didn't notice until Monday that my labs were ordered on the past Friday. That's OK! Called and made apt for Tuesday morning. Picked up my specimen cup on Monday night to have ready with me Tuesday am. Got all my labs and EKG done. I called and they made an apt. for me with Dr. Ray because he was going out of town, usually it takes a week to get your labs back so they wait. I GOT APPROVED!!!!!!! IDK what the heck I was trippin for! Super stoked! Cant wait to start the 24 week journey to my pre op appointments! Husband and sister are happy for me and I have only told one other person! I am so excited and want to tell people I know but on the flip side I am kind of embarrassed to tell them. Anyway.. SCREW ALL THAT! IM ACCEPTED AND HAPPY!

Yesterday I went and bough a bunch of healthy foods. Kale to add to my morning smoothies. Fish, turkey, chicken, pork. I am lucky to have a sister in a health food store. I need to start eating right prior to surgery so that I can keep up the good work after. I am hungry today, working on the can of dry tuna I opened for lunch. I struggle with hunger. Wouldnt be here if I didnt right? I am optimistic but still worried that I wont get approved for class.