missrocky

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I can't believe I actually had someone SAY these words to me. I'm floored to say the least...let's start from the beginning.

My ex-bf is a chubby chaser. He has always expressed his concern as to how much weight I could potentially lose. Now that I'm down almost 200 lbs., things are getting interesting. From the sweet city of Chicago, my ex is trying to control me. We have talked about getting back together again many times but sinces he's THERE and I'm HERE- nothing is really coming of it. WIth that said, the conversation I had today went along the lines of- (this is the Reader's Digest Version) "I don't like women smaller than an 18 (I'm bordering on a 16)," "I hope that you don't lose anymore or else we're finished (weren't we finished when you chose to bang someone else?),"" If you get plastic surgery, they'll cut off like- 20 lbs so if you hit your goal of 145(ish), you'll actually end up being 120 which is too small for me."

..are you kidding me? Seriously? Like- I understand that people have preferences but you know me! You supposedly love me. Doesn't my health AND happiness mean ANYTHING to you?

SO I told him- "Well- we'll see where my body wants to stay. If you don't get to keep your GF at least you'll have a healthy friend."

What I should have said was- "Fuck you Dude. Love me or leave me you SANCTIMONIOUS BASTARD!" After all the hard work and sacfice I've made trying to become "normal" you're trying to undo it?" You know what? Kiss my ass! Get your act together, get a job, get yourself healthy, stop hitting the bottle and maybe- just maybe we can talk about being together REGARDLESS of my size! WHAT AN ASSHOLE!

Carbs.
As soon as I started eating carbs, I was done. It would have been easier just to hire a firing squad and just get it over with.

I'm still stalled and I know it's because I've been eating too much. I started back exercising and went on 2 hikes this week and will probably go on a 3rd tomorrow if I don't go to the market.

I cant help thinking that Im back to the same old pattern again and even though Im aware of what Im doing to myself, I just cant seem to stop...and this is scaring me.

I know some of the eating has to do with how I feel about Eric and Robbie. I'm eating my frustration over both of them and I'm ruining myself in the whole process. The better I look, the more nervous both of them behave and it's not amusing anymore. I keep trying to figure out if I should run to 1 of them or run away from both. In my head I think it would be better to just really try to be by myself and work ON myself but the other part of me is an attention whore and I hate to be alone. Whew! Blogging makes me feel better- I should do this more often!

A Cold.
I've had a cold for closed to a fucking month and I was so warn out that I couldn't keep my eyes open half the time. I just had 3 days off (took a personal day and had my usual Mon/Tues off) and I feel so much better. I needed to get out and play and also just sit and be. If I would have done this 2 weeks ago, I would have recovered WAY faster- I'm sure.

Trying.
I've put it in the hands of the Universe but I don't think it wants to take charge of my failures so now I have to face up to them and you know what- it sucks. I wanted this surgery more than anything and now I'm fucking things up over bread and sugar. An occasional treat is fine, but I can't seem to stop at one...I get it, I really do and I don't like the way I am sometimes.

I let food and emotion become one and until I can seperate the 2, I'm going to be in a sorry state.

 July 2008                                                                         December 2008

I'm still out of control. Tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to try my hardest to get back on track. This is my daily goal...to get my head out of my ass, get back to the gym and stop eating crap.

I feel like I'm in failure mode and I have to get out of this mindset or else I'm going to be in a shit load of trouble mentally AND physically. I have to get into a routine and just stop all this fly by night eating. Dumb...so very dumb.

UPSET
New topic: I found out that one of Eric's girlfriends bought him a new computer. I'm hurt and upset. I know that we talked about the whole, "I'm here and you're there" thing BUT I'm still pissed and jealious. Xmas is a bad day for me because he left me 2 years ago Xmas Eve...I should just wash my hands of all this bullshit and move on. I just can't play these games anymore. I just want someone to love me as much as I love them...is that too much to ask? Maybe I should just get back together with Robbie or just be alone. Being with Robbie is like being alone anyway, but at least I'll have someone to hike with occasionally.

My Cat Romeo (see the picture captioned- "The Stupidest Cat on Earth" was eaten by coyotes on Friday. It had to have been more than one because he was a really fast cat...FYI- he really wasn't the stupidest cat on earth and I miss him terribly!

I'm kinda off track at the moment...

I keep screwing up my food plan and I'm so hungry when I get off of work that it's getting frustrating. I'm making an honest effort to get back on track. I haven't weighed myself lately because I don't want to become depressed if I find that I have gained any weight and I probably won't weigh until January 1st.

It's getting tougher and tougher to drop the pounds and I have to increase my exercise at this point but I'm STILL SO TIRED. The doctor has run A LOT of tests but can't seem to find the cause of my fatigue. I think I'm tired because I'm just BEAT!

Anyway...I'm going to try to keep blogging on a regular basis so I can get the stress out and try not to eat the forbidden foods. FYI- I don't dump and I wish I did. As a matter of fact- I had such bad constipation last night that I thought my bowels were going to rip open...but that's a whole other can of poop!

So this is the plan:
Protein 1st
no fruit until I get back track
Min. Carbs- oatmeal and sweet potatoes only or occasionally a whole wheat tortilla or pita ( I HAVE to have carbs or else I become ANGRY)
More veggies!

An increase in exercise!

They fired 4 people last night...I'm really nervous. I can't afford to get canned right now...

I hate this time of year. This is the 5th company I've worked for that picked Xmas to let people go! Sucks...

You know who you are...can I bum a cig?

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
( like my inability to forget about Eric and my cravings for buttered toast and Grape Jelly)
courage to change the things I can;
(like trying to make it to the gym when I feel like shit, not calling Eric when I need him so badly and eating protein instead of carbs)
and wisdom to know the difference.
(believe me- I know the difference between love, toast and the gym)

Living one day at a time;
(one SECOND at a time)
Enjoying one moment at a time;
(If anyone does, I do!)
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
(a piece of peace would be nice)
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
(I put it in your hands, just guide me please)
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
(I am happy with HIM. I just want to be happy with ME!)
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Trust me, I'm serious so please- no flaming notes of hate! Thank you.

SO I sent him an email telling him how I feel about him TRUTHFULLY. That was 2 days ago and I never heard back from him as of today.

Maybe I scared him away. Maybe I said too much. All I know is how I feel and I feel so strongly that I just can't hear about the FWB girlfriend or his ex's (Mary and Erin) anymore. I either have to completely let go or have him want to commit and be with me.

It's not fair to him to ask him to commit to me because I'm not there and he's no monk. I'm conflicted because I want to move to Chicago SO BAD and I want to be with him SO BAD...but I have the responsibilty of Bailey (my youngest daughter) to consider before I make any kind of move- even if it's across the street!

It's 2 weeks shy of 2 years since he left me...TWO FUCKING YEARS! I realize I have to move forward one way or the other but how can I when I love him so damn much. This sucks- it truly sucks. Most of the time I feel like it's one sided....like I long for him but he only thinks of me when Robin (the FWB chick) isn't around. In the email, I told him that maybe he needs to commit to her so he can have the support of a good woman. I think he needs that in the worst way and my trips to see him every 3 months or so really don't help him in any way. I have a feeling that Robin would be good for him. She doesn't seem as desperate as the rest of us (and yes, I am catagorizing myself in with the others).

In my heart of hearts, I think there will be a time where I will get to a weight where he is no longer turned on by me. Even though I've been sitting at the weight that I last saw him at- I feel that if I make my goal- he won't want me anymore. I already have a sexless life and I don't want to be commited to someone and then have to give him permission to seek someone outside of our relationship because my body is no longer a turn on (he likes fat chicks). Yes Ladies- they can love you in "their own way" but if they're not turned on by you, it's just a matter of time before the relationship is over...and you can take that to the bank.

BLOGGING does make me feel better- but not as much as I wish it would. I'd like to wake up one day just feeling 100% fine with my life, secure and happy with someone who loves me and makes me feel loved...I think that will be my New Years Wish.