missrocky

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My knees are just too weak and MAN they hurt! Maybe in another 20 lbs?

Hello, my name is Rocky and I'm a food-a-holic...
(Hi Rocky)

I need to confess that sometimes I binge. I do it when I'm stressed and I know it's wrong. TG I haven't gained any weight but it's just a matter of time and I know this.

I am lonely. Worried about money. Worried that Im going to have to move because I cant afford my rent. Hoping that when my car comes out of the shop that it wont need to be fixed again. Really dont like my job very much. Afraid that when I'm old, I won't have money to take care of myself.

I look like a deflated balloon and want plastic surgery but can't afford it. If I won the lottery- that's the first thing I'd spend my money on. Then I'd buy a house...but that's a whole other post.

Did I mention that I'm lonely? I dont need a man to define me...I just want the right man to share my life with- is that too much to ask?

I'm mega worried that I'm gonna reverse this thing. I don't want to fail. I'm afraid to fail and I ONLY (did I say only?) have 60 pounds to go. I want to get there. I really do!

SO now I have to make a game plan and stop this shit. I have SO much work to do mentally and I know I was told over and over that I would need to have my head examined but...who knew I'd need it THIS much!

I almost feel better now...almost. Cross your fingers or pray for me- whatever you think will work cuz I'm teetering on the fence my friends.

I think I might start training to do the 5k run/walk at the LA Marathon.

The reason why I'm saying I think I might start training is because I'm concerned about my knees and back-soooo...

I'm gonna start the training program on Monday and see how I feel. If I can make it through the first week, I will continue on and register for the race. If I can't make it, I won't.

I hope I CAN get through the first week. For some reason, I really want to run!

Happy Surgiversary to Me!  
I look back on this past year and all I have accomplished and I have to say that I've never been more proud of MYSELF. If you really think about it, have you ever really been proud of yourself? I never have and recognizing my own accomplishment is a stepping stone toward my new life mentally and physically.  

It took me 5 years to actually GET my surgery and I have to say that waiting that long was hard but worth it! I received quite an education regarding RNY and I was able to lose 115 lbs on my own before stepping foot into the operating room. Why did I still have WLS after losing 115 lbs. on my own? Because I knew I couldn't go any further on my own and I was aware that if I didn't get some kind of HELP, I'd gain it all back +.   Working the "tool" is not the easiest thing in the world to do. People are under the impression that it's a quick fix. If anything, it's even MORE difficult at times than your average DIET because you have to focus on what you eat and how you treat your body 24/7. It takes effort, understanding, support and commitment. My advice to newbies- Read, learn, prepare. Ask questions. Have a good support system and get ready to MENTALLY change...because you will!  

So, to wrap things up...I've lost 85 lbs. since 2/25/08 and my world has really opened up! I do wish I lost more but I am VERY happy to be where I am right now! I began hiking, biking, ocean kayaking and I LOVE weight training. I still HATE the dreadmill and exercise bike but ya gotta do what ya gotta do! My self-esteem is at an all time high and I actually feel "normal." I can walk into a room with confidence and energy and not feel like everyone is staring at me because I'm the biggest one there. Life is good!  

I would like to thank my surgeon- Dr. Yadager. I'd especially like to thank his Surgery Coordinator/Chief Cook and Bottle Washer LIZ. Without you my friend, I'd still be waiting! You have NO idea how much I appreciate you!   Good luck to all the pre-ops! Trust me my frineds, it's worth it!
                                               

 

Dear ________________ ,
Everytime I see you, my heart skips a beat. Maybe, MAYBE one day we can do lunch? Dinner? Have a hot and nasty affair? A one night stand? SOMETHING?!

I know we're good frineds BUT.... ugh! I wish I didnt have this school girl crush on you! If I had to describe you in one word, I'd use the word AMAZING. Sometime, I want to scream from the rooftops and tell everyone how much I absolutely LOVE you but I can't because it's a secret...and I barely know you...and things could get complicated...and I don't want you to reject me. SO- I'm asking the Universe..."Universe! Please let my crush disclose his true feelings for me soon...or I may just explode...oh, and Universe? If he doesn't feel the same way, please let us stay frineds...I'd hate to have him leave me life completely!"

Is this letter psycho enough for you? Trust me, this is tame compared to what's going on in my head!

Stalk you later!
Roc Star

Robbie chose to spend the day with his kids, not me.
Eric never even picked up a phone or made an effort to text me at all.

I am so done with being disappointed all the time. I don't really know what I was expecting anyway...I mean- who the hell am I? I'm not young, hot, sexy- not even close. Why should I expect ANY attention what-so-ever?

I always hear- "I love you. I need you. I miss you..." but what else is there? Is there a relationship with anybody right now? I mean- a real one? No.

I think the media has warped my mind and I expect some kind of storybook romance or something. I'm a realist. I know that doesn't really exist but maybe someone could actually look my one for once. Say they're gonna do something for me and follow through. Make a special effort for me JUST once.

I always go out of my way for everyone in my life...maybe ONE day I'll get someone in my life that will do the same for me.
...or maybe I'll give up and become a celebate hermit.

WEIGHT LOSS:
none in 3 months..This sucks

This evening was a typical, slow night off from my job at californiapsychics.com. Bored and poor, I ventured over to Borders Books to get a latte and read everything in the travel section I could get my hands on. Finishing my coffee, I strolled downstairs to shop in the bargain section when I came across two guys in their early 20's. I wasn't intentionally eavesdropping on the conversation but they were right behind me- so I couldn't miss it. Here's how it went...

Guy #1- "Are we looking around or what are we doing?"
Guy #2- "I think I'm gonna buy a book."
Guy #1- "A real one?"

That was it, I swear!

Those three lines were truly the most "LAish" type of conversation I've ever had the privileged to overhear. It took everything in my being to not burst out laughing in their faces but truthfully if I did- they would have understood why!

I just had to share...now back to your regularly, scheduled boredom.

My new workout program is going really well. I can see that I'm losing inches but the #'s aren't dropping quite yet weight wise. I was able to squeeze into this dress that someone sent me...I couldn't get it past my boobs (what's left of them) last month so this is encouraging!

The 3 days a weel weight training and the 3 days a week 20 minute intense cardio has boosted my energy BIG TIME! I have 10 more weeks to see if there is a big enough change in my body to continue. I may change my routine for a week or 2 after the 12 weeks are up and then go back to it again. I'm just trying to figure out what I'm gonna change it too!

PIZZA
I had my 1st piece of pizza in over a year today. It was the Pizza Hut Pizza with Whole Wheat Crust...yummers. I only had one piece- so I was good ! Now I have to do intense Cardio to work it off...ugh!

I- yes ME, have a 36 inch waist! I remember when the tape measure didn't fit around me and I needed to estimate my waist size...very cool.

Mistakes to learn by:
Last night, I have no idea what possessed me to drink a wine cooler but I did and threw up all over the place. DUH- loaded with sugar! Ummmm...wine coolers are NOT a good idea. Stupid Rocky!

I found the book "Body for Life" at the Salvation Army for $2. It was just what I needed to get myself back on track. Their diet is WL friend (same stuff we eat) and the weight lifting guide is awesome! I needed to mix up my weight lifting work out and I absolutely LOVE the step by step instructions. The book also works on your mental well being as well as the physical- which is outstanding!

So far, I haven't dropped any weight (only been doing it for 3 days) but my energy level is through the roof and I'm sleeping better too...

I highly recommend checking out this book if you need some motivation. It worked for me!

PS- My ass is killing me! I think I'm going to be assless in another 20 pounds or so!