anabeth413

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time is just going by too fast. january 5th was my 3 year anniv.

it was not a easy road by all means. ive had my ups and downs. i owe my success to my excellent surgeon dr. b. from long branch. he is an excellent surgeon and made this journey somewhat easy. ive lost 180 lbs and have been able to maintain it with no problems. my eating has increased significantly and i can pretty much eat whatever i want within reason. no problems with food getting stuck and i dont dump on sugar thank god cause my sweet tooth has never left me but a bite or two of desert and im satified. only certain foods give me  little problem but its nothing i have trouble stayin away from like eggs and whole milk. no big deal i can do without them. i keep up my protein as much as possible and take my vitamins faithfully. get my blood checked every six months and i feel overall my health is in decent shape. my only form of physical activity is running around with my very active yorkie. ive never been one for the gym. i hope everyone the best on their journey and im open for any questions anyone might have for me ..i will help in any way i can. happy new year to all my friends here.

well its summer time again here in the lovely state of new joisey. i actually have to update my weight tracker because ive lost a bit more weight. ive been staying steady at 160 for the last 2 months or so. i went to see my pcp today and she took all the blood i had asked if i have been having issues (none thank god) and sent  me on my way with a rx for ambien. ive been having issues sleeping so she gave me some of these to take and told me to get meltonin (over the counter) to see if that will help. i still make my hot protein tea everyday and i can practically eat anything i want without any issues except eggs..eggs are just not ever going to be my friends again and im done trying to re-establish my relationship with them. i dont dump and im very grateful for that because i do like to have a bite or two of dessert. i dont do it often and i literally take no more than two bites out of whatever sweet it is and leave the rest. i started this 1year and 1/2 ago thinking i had done the worst thing i could of ever done to myself and now i sit here grateful that so far ive had no major issues or complications, so very lucky that ive had a full blown support from my family and friends, happy that i have this place to read and learn from and proud of myself for the hard work i put into this journey because i dont care what anyone says this is NOT the easy way out.

where does the time go? anyway this time last year i was having my last thanksgiving dinner with the gang as a "normal" person. i made the whole dinner at my father in laws house. the turkey, gravy, mashed pot, sweet pot..etc etc etc. i loved making feasts like that and then digging in!! i also remember the feeling of complete and utter fullness to the point of not wanting to move too much after eating like that. uncomfortable and sick is what i felt every time i would over indulge like that and those feasts werent limited to special occasions either..oh no seemed like if there was a reason (which i always found one) to over eat then hell i would go for it..hmmm looking back now i can see how i got to almost 300lbs.
i dont miss over eating like that. i dont miss that uncomfortable and sick feeling.
this year i will be making the same feast at my house for the gang. the turkey, gravy, mashed pot etc etc etc will all be made including apple pie and pumkin pie and im looking forward to not only cooking all of it and having the gang together for the day but im looking forward to sitting at the table and having my usual quantity of food that is suitable for me now and when im full (and the hiccups start) i will be happy to put the fork down and be done with it. then when its time for dessert ill be happy with a bite or two of each and be done.

its been 7 months since surgery and this road has sure been with many ups and downs. iv havent written since feb and at that time i was struggling with finding protien that i could tolerate drinking. luckily i found the right stuff that worked for  me and since ive been working my way up with food. total trial and error with food ..some things i can tolerate others i cant. no matter what my intake ive continuously lost weight and im not unhappy with how ive progressed. so much so that i went from a size 24/26 to a size 16 and the first piece of clothing that was that 16 was my wedding dress..thrilled doesnt even come close to describing what i felt. we also went away for the first time since surgery and eating out was a challenge. mostly it went well but i defenitely over did it one night and ate way to much and paid a dear price for that one, however i have no one to blame for that one but myself..i knew exactly when i should of stopped eating and i did  not, but i lived thru it.
we are home now and its back to reality. doing dishes, cooking, working, laundry and taking care of my new husband!!
iv always loved my life..now im just loving my life in a smaller size! 

things have been going ok..no great but ok...im really sitting around waiting to feel ecstatic that i did this. however much to my disappointment that feeling is non existent as of yet for me but im plugging along well because i really have no other choice.
im taking little walks with zozo. he is my little boy yorki. he does a good job keeping up with me for such a little guy ...i have tried to take my little girl yorki but she quits after one block and well its just double the work for me to carry her.
today Daniel and I went up north to hang with my family. It my Jason's 14th birthday (nephew). The whole family gathered around for dinner and ice cream cake. i had a few spoon fulls of soup and i bite of roasted chicken. chewed the hell out of it swallowed. a little discomfort followed that but it went away fairly quickly...ahhh the good old days when i could just eat a chicken leg without any problems!!! a little later i had a spoon full of ice cream cake and was fine. i dont think i dump...but im wasnt going to push the issue with anymore that a spoonful to find out either.
most of the time while everyone was eating i was in the living room watching tv. it sucked. im not gonna lie..i was very upset for a few minutes and forced myself to hold back tears. i wanted to be at that table too but tried to keep reminding myself that it wouldnt be like this forever...yeah ok that didnt help much but i tried to convince myself as best as i could and soon enough everyone was done and joined me in the living room.
i did not get a decent amount of liquid protein in today because i forgot to bring the powder with me and quite honestly im glad i didnt bring it with me cause im sick to death of drinking this fucken crap. and im sick to death of not being able to eat like a normal human being and i cant for the love of god and all that is holy know why i did this to myself and i cant wait for my body to adapt to this change because im hating life so bad right now its sickening!!!!!! andddd im feeling extremely exhausted but tomorrow is going to be a better day cause im going to drink my protein and take my walk because that makes me feel better about this whole thing.
i didnt expect for this to be so hard. i didnt expect this to be sooo emotionally taxing. i have to find a way to make peace with myself and find a way to accept this is the way its going to be because of the decision i made. i must find a way to embrace this.

omg just what the doctor ordered...well not really but it was a much needed night of fun and laughter which is probably what i needed to boost my spirits. Daniel and I went out with friends last night and we had a great time. Best part of it is that my wls didnt impact my night in a negative way. I sipped on water, ordered onion soup w/o the cheese and bread and had a great time.
Today im going to take my yorki to the beach and walk a little and im also going over to the vitamine shoppe and get another tub of nectar.
Life is starting to look good again.

i havent been able to write in a few days...been kinda busy doing this and that, running around here and there and accomplished 2 house projects this weekend with my Daniel that we have been putting off.
my protein intake has been simply horrible these last couple of days. i start off in the morning strong and fizzle out by the afternoon because im not planning ahead and taking my protein drink with me. by the time i realize i need to put something into my body i feel dizzy and  light headed. not good. totally my own doing to myself so i know from now on i need to take my stuff on the road with me if we go out for the day so wilma stays happy and content and doesnt make me feel like shit.
This past friday night was a big fat no no for me. i should of opted to stay home. We went to Daniels fathers house for dinner. I didnt take my protein stuff with me and ended up having 3 tablespoons of soup out of a can while they ate steak and fries. Daniel finished the soup...first off i hate soup out of a can, 2nd mistake i made was not taking anything with me, i thought i would be fine just sitting there, 3rd mistake was sitting at the table with them....i must of been in the mood to torture myself that night without even realizing it because after a few minutes i was almost in tears because i couldnt eat with them and the desire to grab some home made fries and a piece of steak was overwhelming.
so after that little incident there was a note to self "no eating out for now" ...he can go over there by himself for a while unitl i find piece between me and wilma. ohhh wait andd check this out when we first got there they wanted to go to chili's for dinner...what the fuck...until pop said oh no we cant do that to her..we will eat here. oh fucken a..can you imagine..in the mind set i was in i would of gone thinking i would of been ok with that and well im sure i wouldnt of been and i would of been stuck there until they finished eating...holy hell thank god that didnt happen.
anyway that started out the weekend on the wrong foot and like i said before it was down hill from there but today im back on track.
im still having trouble mentally with what ive done..i know this isnt the easy way out and ive never thought of it as that...but i really wish i could fast forward life and take myself to 1 year from now where ive lost the weight and life is somewhat back to normal because this to me is not normal in the least bit. this weekend brought on yet another aspect of this that bummed me out. i cant go out without planning and taking with me what i need. my family doesnt live close by so if i go spend the day with them i have to take my stuff with me cause well they dont stock up on wls food as they shouldnt because well they are normal...its me thats not normal.
i cant go running around all day and just stop somewhere to get something to eat. its not that simple anymore for me and that pisses me off. i know this kinda behavior is what got me to this weight in the first place...but now that i know what i know if i could go back in time i wouldnt of had this surgery done and i would of made better eating out choices lol (yeah right lol) just typed that to see what bullshit would look like in red.
i know this is a great tool. i know it will work and i have to work with it. im just still not liking that wilma is now a part of me and she is the one that rules my life. i sound crazy yes..oh well maybe one of the side affects they should mention about this is mentally unstable thoughts! (im just kidding around).
well its time to go drink protein. im gonna get one of those hats you see at ball games that have both sides armed with beer instead mine will have protein drink in it! and yes i use a straw...if i dont i wouldnt be able to get this sucky ass stuff down.
im ending this on a positive note..i have lost another 4 lbs..so im down since surgery 16lbs.

sooo i just want to first and foremost give a big thanks to all my oh friends that gave me words of kindness and positive feedback that everything would start getting better ...because well it has!!! 
since getting this nectar ice tea stuff ive been doing alot better. getting in my protein thru the day. im thinking of going back and trying another flavor. if i remember correctly they had lemonade.
im still sore here and there but nothing to be complaining about. im sleeping well, moving around good, drinking my stuff, and today im going to try to venture outside the box ooooo and eat some yogurt.

mentally im doing alot better aswell thank goodness cause i was already starting to look up how one goes about making pot holders so i would have something to do at the nut house.
im coming to terms with my decision. i have to admit i thought mentally it was going to be a piece of cake (yumm cake) ok focus.....but it wasnt. im still not quite sure what went wrong upstairs but im interested to find out what the head doc thinks when i tell him. in the mean time im working on coming to gripps with it all. perhaps i thought i was ready to leave my relationship with food behind when in fact i wasnt and found myself being forced to. weird?  

i hope all of you have a happy weekend.

well im more than thrilled to announce that i actually feel a little (not alot lets not get crazy here) just a dash of happiness today since this surgery took place. 
i went to see my surgeon today..1 week post op app. i lost 12 lbs since surgery...yep thats great. well kinda..sorry i wasnt jumping up and down for joy...of course i lost 12 lbs...WHO WOULDNT.(oooo angry moment slipping out sorry), but seriously who wouldnt loose this kind of weight just drinking clear liquids and eating jello at 2 oz a pop..ok well anyway..everything looks good, the incisions are healing, the exhaustion is normal, the soreness is normal, im pooping normally, taking my multi vit, cal w/vit d, and iron pills...ok good girl ..see ya in 3 weeks. ok bye dr. Frankenstein(he is a very good surgeon this nick name is used completely as a term of endearment) ill see you in 3 weeks....
your wondering where the little tiny piece of happiness is here right..yah its coming ....
im driving home and i see a vitamin store..crossed over 3 lanes and cut off a couple of people (sorry yes i deserved the bird you gave me) BACK OFF I JUST HAD WLS AND IM A WOMAN ON THE EDGE.
i went into the store and found ahhhhhhhhhh
DENISE..his name was denise....
hi can i help you....me: no no just looking...(in my head) ..looking for another disgusting protein shake i might be able to choke down without gagging and eventually barfing up because it gets stuck in my throat and YES its no one elses fault but mine because i wanted to have wls and well here i am about as unhappy as ive ever felt in my whole life that i went through with this hell surgery and now i cant eat a fucking thing and im on the verge of dehydration/malnurtrition and will probably before too long end up back in the emergency room with iv's stuck in me because for the life of me i realllly thought i would be able to do this whole protein thing after surgery but NOPE i cant and well...
me: ummm yes can you actually help me with something....
denise: well you didnt need me before you sure you need me now...
me: yeahhhh (lol) i need you now ...(in my head)..just help me kid what the fuck you have no idea i might just eat you right here and now to get in my protein.
me: i just had wls and cant deal with the protein drinks blah blah blah...sniffle sniffle (trying to hold back tears here) and well im looking for something ohhh i dont know that i cant lets see TASTE AT ALL. !!! thats it im going for something that is tasteless..how about it denise can you help me.?
denise....listen try this stuff. its not thick, mixes well with water, and i get rave reviews from people about it. (chest puffs out) i even drink this stuff in the summer when im training and i love it. put it over ice and trust me you will like it better than the thick protein shakes....
me: hmmm do you have a smaller sampler thing i can try other than this drum of the stuff that i will need a wheel barrell to get it into the house hmmmm??
denise: no but look try it if you dont like it at all bring it back to me and we will find something you like (bright smile) ..
me: ok fine denise..(in my head) what a nice smile the kid has...good for sales im sure.  
......at home.... 1 scoop 23 grams of protein in water over ice mix mix mix.. and tried ..
the heavens opened up and i swear i heard angels singing!!! the shit is exactly how he said it was. mixes well, tastes exactly like ice tea and is not thick and gross.
i drank 24 oz of water with this stuff mixed in and at 23 grams of protein a scoop ..i have taken in 69 grams of protein already and i can keep sipping on this stuff for the rest of the night.
its called nectar...ice tea 
thank you denise! in my heart im sure god or my mother (rip mom love you) or both put you in my path today so you could help me for i was praying sooo very hard lately for the help.
and HERE is the bit of happiness for me today...
hope you all are having a happy day as well !!!!